April 25, 2014

Obituaries

Bobby
June 1, 2008--April 25, 2014

April 24, 2014

Meetings




























Spring kickoff meeting
May 3, 7:00 p.m.

April 23, 2014

For rent

Sock

* White
* Other sock not available until May 9th


$2/half hour
Dante 555-8810

April 22, 2014

Announcements

Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the city's largest pollen pool.


















Two chances to witness this historic event: May 2-19 & June 7-24

Call the KHS at 555-4419 for tour schedules

April 21, 2014

Meetings

Left To Right book club
April meeting

Books to discuss:

* A Child Called 'Cantaloupe'
* Idiot's Guide to Mirrors
* Book of Goldfish Names: P-Z


April 26, 6:45 p.m. at Dwayne & Sharlene's condo

April 20, 2014

For sale

1/2 bagel


* Poppy


$2
Ben  555-0117

** Hurry, many interested **

April 19, 2014

Opportunities

I built a french bread boat and I'm going to sail around the world.

If interested in splitting sandwich meat/condiment costs, give me a call.


** Looking to sail away by June 22 **


Jeremy  555-3049

April 18, 2014

Wanted

I am need of one sock, preferably white.

Some holes are fine.

Willing to pay as much as $3 or the equivalent in muenster cheese.


Tanya  555-4110

April 17, 2014

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Spring, 2014 meeting

On the agenda:

* Andrea's new belt: Q&A
* Andrea doesn't like sweet potatoes anymore
* Copies of the new documentaries Andrea Eats A Pear and Andrea Brushes Her Teeth - 2/7/14 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Linda under stair 2


April 22, 6:00 p.m.

April 16, 2014

Services

Need cabinet doors opened/closed?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

April 15, 2014

For sale

Wheat squares





















* 11 full squares
* Display paper towel also available for purchase


$1 each or all 11 for $10
Erin  555-2299 

April 14, 2014

April 13, 2014

For sale

I've got drawings I did of my right ear for sale.

* Pencil (2) and blue ink pen (3) on paper
* Some spilled turkey gravy on two of the pieces


$35 each or all five for $150
Paul  555-6671

April 12, 2014

For sale

CDs


* When Harry Bought a Bootleg Copy of When Harry Met Sally soundtrack - various artists
* She Came In Through the Bathroom Mirror - Sheldon & Joyce


$1.25 each or both for $2
Kia  555-0014

Religious visions














An image of our lord and savior appeared on a potato chip the other day.

There is also a light-yellow holy mark near Jesus' chin that has been confirmed to be a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my linen closet.


* $300 per viewing
* Replica Jesus Chips also available


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

April 11, 2014

For sale

Used books

The Girl With the Water Fountain Tattoo - Niles Shane
The Paving of Lot 49 - Wendy Bly
Drive Thru for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing
The Lettuce in the Rye - Garrison Glaus


$5 each
David 555-0099

April 10, 2014

April 9, 2014

Missing

I'm missing some of my hair; last seen on my head Monday afternoon at the NoPay grocery store on Kerwin Street.

Here's an artist's rendering of the hair lying on the floor of the store:

















* Reward shampoo offered *

Any information, please call Arnett or Paula  555-3844

April 8, 2014

For sale






















* "Grandpa" - original crayon on construction paper
* Four-year old (male human) & 19-day old (hermit crab) free with purchase


Call for pricing list
Walt & Amanda  555-7444

April 7, 2014

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one brown, left-footed construction boot, preferably a size 12 men's.

Willing to pay as much as $8 or the equivalent in empty paint cans.


Gus  555-2291

April 6, 2014

For sale

Hot dog juice

* Fresh (late-March)
* Well-known aphrodisiac


$5/gallon or .50 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

April 5, 2014

Announcements

Kaynesport Community Center Announcement Board

* Public gravel eatings

Maria Mejito - April 30
Brendan Giles - May 4
James & Nadine Kershaw - May 15
Ernie Paulsen - May 28

* Vigils

- Carton of orange juice: April 8, 5:30 p.m. at Yockcheeze Baptist Church
- Rain puddle: April 12, 1:00 p.m. at the corner of Harman Blvd. & 9th Street
- Melted ice cube: April 19, 3:30 p.m. at Ruth & Bernard Jamison's condo (450 Wintworthe Street, East Kaynesport)

* Nationally-televised chewings (only on WDERTV)

Maurice Black's toes: May 24, 7:00 p.m.
Gwen Ventura's hair: June 2, 8:00 p.m.

* Semi-pro pointing

June 1 - Falling rain (weather permitting)
July 1 - Dan Burkhalter
August 1 - Stop lights/yield signs
September 1 - Leaves

* Other upcoming events:

- Laundry detergent drinking contest: semifinals & finals - May 17
- Laughing/lightly-shoving Patricia Vincent - May 19-20


Info: Kaynesport Community Center  555-1187

April 4, 2014

Help wanted

Looking to hire a personal intern to help with a number of things, including:

* Scratch my elbow(s)
* How many times have I looked at my watch? (need daily and weekly tallies)
* What time is it? (you look at my watch)
* Hold this tissue while I lick the tissue
* Did anything just howl/bark?
* Updates on how much lettuce I have left in the refrigerator (Thursdays)

** You also need to be OK with me lightly chewing on your fingers once a week, preferably Monday mornings, 8am-9:30am **


Let's work out a fair contract for both of us
Dwayne  555-2323

April 3, 2014

For sale

Sand


















* White
* Close proximity to some of the area's finest seaweed
* Appeared in the hit reality TV show Who Won't Eat Sand?!


$.2/grain
Jim & Nadine  555-4494

April 2, 2014

For sale

Slightly-used paper towel
















* Contains some honey mustard dressing
* Also available: one shirt button (inquire within)


$3
Kenneth  555-8817

April 1, 2014

Services

Need salt and/or pepper shaken onto anything?

* Will provide my own salt *


Joe Maglio  555-9995