March 31, 2013

Services

Professional pointer for hire

"Let me point at something for you"

* Over 25 years of experience
* Once pointed at a group of pigeons for six minutes, thirty-seven seconds (national record)
* Appeared as an extra on the 2011 TV infomercial Pointing at Produce With Paul


Call for prices and availability
Bryce  555-1881


** Coming May, 2013: pointing at falling rain/rain puddles **

March 30, 2013

For sale

Chicken bone

















$3
Hector  555-9334

** Hurry, Juan is interested **

March 29, 2013

Wanted

I'm looking to buy one bowling pin, new or used.

* Serious offers only *

Jarrett  555-3220

March 28, 2013

New products

Get your very own Bobby Classifieds-brand lettuce toupee™!























$10 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

March 27, 2013

Meetings

Friends of Rory Bainbridge
March meeting

On the agenda:

* Who is taking Rory's van for an oil change?
* Last month's accidental surprise party for Lori Bainbridge: Q&A
* The field trip to Rory's middle school cafeteria has been moved to April 25th


March 29, 4:30 p.m. at Candace's apartment

March 26, 2013

Missing

Leaf



* Brown
* Last seen Sunday on the front lawn
* Reward bird's nest offered


555-9118

March 25, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Bus Stop: Albany
* Lawnmowing With The Stars - Season 6
* Let's Glue Raw Spaghetti To That Old Man - Final season
* Adult Softball Umpire Wives - Season 2 w/extra disc of special features
* Microwave Swap - Seasons 4 & 5


$5 each
Fran  555-8808

March 24, 2013

For rent

Bagel


















* Slightly burnt
* Free plastic knife with some cream cheese free with rental agreement


$6/half hour
Darren  555-4997

** Ask about our napkin trade-in offer **

March 23, 2013

For hire

Graffiti artist for hire

* Specializing in upper case letters *



















Call for rates and availability
Yub  555-2007


"I'll tag my name on anything."

- Yub, 2/17/2012

March 22, 2013

For sale

Bill from some recent roof work

* $370 owed
* I'm at my house (8425 Pepano Circle in Kaynesport), a few feet away from the driveway. I'll be waving with one hand and pointing at the roof with the other
* One used gutter and one garbage bag of leaves free with purchase


$340 or best offer
Nathaniel  555-6637

March 21, 2013

For sale

Vinyl records


* Stairway to Unfinished Basement - The Rolsens
* (My Name Is) Sawdust Pants - Sawdust Pants
* The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley: Soundtrack - Various artists
* I Saw Mommy Sanding Santa Claus - Peggy Cliff
* Fire Ant Hills in the Outfield: Soundtrack - Various artists


$8 each
Mitch 555-7551

March 20, 2013

Religious visions























A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on my front lawn.

Viewings available now and until the end of June.


* $175 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Grass also available
* Ladies only


4400 Yaycheeze Avenue, Kaynesport

March 19, 2013

Services

Need help spelling a word?

A-through-R: $2 each
S-through-Z: $3 each


Joe Maglio  555-9995

March 18, 2013

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase a right-footed high-heeled shoe, preferably a size 12 women's.

Doesn't matter what color it is.

Will pay as much as $7 or the equivalent in cat food.


Rebecca  555-3664

March 17, 2013

For sale

Water


















* Brown w/four worms
* Wheelbarrow sold separately
* Water sold in small paper cups or poured into pants pockets


Looking to sell the whole lot, call for pricing list
Yaycheeze Construction Co.  555-3003

March 16, 2013

For sale

Ice cubes

* Six available
* Interesting trades for tap water considered


$1 each or all six for $5
Henrietta  555-7223

March 15, 2013

For sale

Couch

















* Cushions sold separately
* Four corn chips & cat hair (about one handful) free with purchase


$27
Keith  555-8817

March 14, 2013

For sale

Acorns



















$3 each or all six for $15
Linda  555-3402

March 13, 2013

Meetings

Competitive paper clip eating
Team Randall pre-regional finals meeting

On the agenda:

* Binder clips: Q&A
* Randall is in the hospital after a near-fatal paper clip overdose. What is going to be our new team name?
* For transportation to the finals we are not taking Hillary's car made of paper clips


March 15, 2:30 p.m. at Juwan & Erin's condo

March 12, 2013

For sale

Used play scripts

* Break Dancing Celery: The Musical
* The Phantom of the Youth Basketball Parent's Meeting
* How Much Change is in My Couch?!
* (Look, It's) Mayonnaise Face
* The Parking lot Attendant of the Opera


$9 each
Valerie  555-3994

March 11, 2013

For sale

House plant






















$6 or best offer
Claire  555-0112

March 10, 2013

Public Service Announcement



















Let's make 2013 the year the bagels get eaten.

Call 555-2857 to find out how you can make a difference.

March 9, 2013

Disconnections

I offered you half of my sandwich multiple times at the mall food court the other day and I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

What flavor soft drink did I spill on your shoe?


Dale  555-4330

March 8, 2013

For rent

Vacuum cleaner























* Appeared in the hit reality TV show Humans vs. Vacuums: Reunion
* Free instructional pamphlets with rental agreement:

- "Where Do You Plug This Thing In?"
- "Don't Bring A Vacuum Into The Shower"


$7/half hour
Walter  555-2440

March 7, 2013

Services

Need help with a crossword puzzle?

* Vertical: $.50 each
* Horizontal: $.55 each


Joe Maglio  555-9995

March 6, 2013

Missing

Banana peel



* Yellow
* Missing since Monday
* Reward $$ offered


Jessica 555-3883

March 5, 2013

Meetings

Arnie's Art Supplies
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not accept dollar amounts drawn in charcoal on a canvas as currency
* Cashiers Javy, Iris & Maureen: the "colored pencils are in my nose" joke at the register is no longer funny
* There is no such thing as a 'with child tax'


March 6, 9:00 a.m.

March 4, 2013

For sale

Croutons





















$.70 each or $4 for all six
Gail  555-3761

March 3, 2013

For sale

Money order

* Worth $36.50
* Made out to "Kaynesport Gas"
* Receipt free with purchase


$40
Kenneth  555-8007

March 2, 2013

Opportunities

You want to go to Mars?

I've built a spaceship and I'm flying to Mars sometime in April.

* One seat available (ladies only)
* Call in the next 30 minutes to book a seat and receive one free hug
* Pre-flight meet-and-greet at my house, March 27 at 11:00 p.m.


Jeremy  555-3049

March 1, 2013

Openings

Game Trough 2
Grand opening!


We have some of the year's hottest games, including:

* Chinese Buffet 2013
* Retirement Home: Square Dance
* The Legend of Ernie and Ernie's co-worker, Paul
* Harley and the Zipper Factory
* Pointing At Leaves With Steve: The Video Game


Game Trough 2 - 310 Windsor Way, West Plumptin