* How's My Sandal Tossing? 555-3425
* My Child Left Her Raincoat At Plumptin Elementary School
* Guns Don't Kill People, Holding Book Club Meetings In The Toll Plaza Express Lane Kills People
* My Child Spilled Her Apple Juice At Plumptin Elementary School
* No matter how many times they send us press releases and photographs, Dodgecantaloupe is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the hoagie roll
* Our new Smelliest Kid Of The Week page: Q&A
I've heard, through reliable sources, that my neighbors Roger & Mindy Callaway won't be giving out any Halloween candy this year.
That gives you a perfect opportunity to come to my house for all your Halloween needs.
* Guaranteed answer on first ring/knock
* Each trick-or-treater gets one free grab into The Box of Mystery & Applesauce
* Pre-Christmas sit on Santa's lap (minimum 10 seconds) available to first 25 kids to come to the door
433 Lavrondo Blvd.
* Please stop accepting sea shells with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Meet your new front-end manager in charge of rearranging tables and chairs, Maureen
* Making the customers get their own water from the hose behind the restaurant was not on the training video
* $75 owed
* I'm at the corner of Durly Lane & 9th Street in Kaynesport, standing next to a red car with some french fries underneath the right front tire. I'll be wearing brown pants and a blue t-shirt with CELERY written in white on the front.
* Come by and help pay my ticket in the next 30 minutes and receive one free handshake with the meter maid
* For our November field trip to the water fountain by Bart's elementary school classroom, we still need deposits from Keisha, Darnell & Becky
* July 18, 2010: the day we had a surprise birthday at the office of Burt Carter
* Bart doesn't like meat loaf anymore
* $2.50 owed
* I'm at the toll plaza on Highway 248, Kaynesport, fourth booth from the left in a blue car. I'm missing my driver's-side rear view mirror.
* First person to answer this ad gets 233 free pennies
The winners for this year's Film A Guy Singing To A Jar Of Mayonnaise contest have been selected and will receive their set of ice cubes by mail by the end of November. I'm also happy to announce that the search for the missing rain puddle has ended: the puddle simply evaporated the next day.
And finally, please stop mailing us gravel eating videos & model peanut shell skyscrapers as those contests both ended September 21.
I just bought a bunch of train cars and plenty of space is available.
Specialty cars also available, including:
* Sunflower seed/peanut shell "half & half cars" (cars 3, 9 & 15)
* The car with the wasp nests
* Dishwashing detergent (cars 5 & 6)
* The car of a thousand phone books
* Rusty lawn sprinklers (cars 2 & 7)
* The car containing my friend Greg
* Will Anyone Go With My Daughter To The Homecoming Dance? - season 8
* My Cat Threw Up What?! - seasons 1 & 2
* Bad Mayonnaise Club - season 4
* My Knees Hurt! - final season
* Is Your Mustache Worse Than A Tenth Grader's? - season 5
The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
On the agenda:
* Andrea's new scarf: Q&A
* Copies of the new documentary Andrea Looks Out The Window & Andrea Eats An Apple 8/10/13 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Hector under stair 3
* Andrea doesn't like asparagus anymore
I've been sent a number of ransom notes over the past few months and I'd like to move them for the right price. Great deals available.
"Bring me all your shampoo"
"I have the door to your mailbox"
"Don't even think about finishing that crossword puzzle"
"I have one of your front steps"
"I made this ransom note with your glue stick. Return the letter, unharmed, if you ever want to see your glue stick again"
"Bring me all your mayonnaise packets"
"We have your tissue. If you ever want to blow your nose again, meet me underneath the bridge at 7:30 a.m."