December 31, 2013

Help wanted

I need someone who can talk an old man out of a giant pile of leaves.

Must own either a broom or pool skimmer and have things of value to trade for leaves.


Hank  555-4014

December 30, 2013

Meetings

Car pool to work
Pre-2014 meeting

January 1, 8:30 a.m. in Corinne's driveway, next to her station wagon


Inspirational CD/portable CD player: Robert
Practice coffee: Hillary


* We'll also be filming several scenes for our new documentary 15 Minutes To Toll Plaza so please already be in makeup when you arrive.

December 29, 2013

For sale

Movies on VHS

* Orthopedic Back Pillow of a Salesman
* Counting Rain Drops with Hesop: The Movie
* My Best Friend's Welding
* 4:30, Part 2
* Towed Vehicle at the Opera


$5 each or all five for $20
Mandy  555-4887

December 28, 2013

Events

Countdown to 2014 begins tonight at 11:00 p.m. at my place - 380 Feathers Blvd., Kaynesport.

* Ladies only *


Call for directions, among other things
Pete  555-3991

December 27, 2013

Services

Need someone to hold your place in a book?

Two options: I can either put my finger inside and close the book, or turn the book over and supervise the situation


- Five minutes or less: $4/book
- More than five minutes: $6/book

Terrence Maglio  555-7885

December 26, 2013

Services

Wrapping paper disposal service

* All of your wrapping paper eaten in 10 minutes or less or it's free!


Call for rates and availability
Gus & Tracy  555-6635

December 25, 2013

For sale

Wood


















$7 each or all 27 pieces for $150
Roger  555-2110

** Ask about our payment plans **

December 24, 2013

December 23, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Buy Me Something! - season 7
* Foot Stool Swap - seasons 1 & 2 (three-disc set)
* Are You Missing More Teeth Than A Second-Grader? - season 5
* Bowling Alleys: Buffalo
* Watch Me Drink Windshield Washer Fluid - final season


$5 each
Kenneth & Melinda  555-3993

December 22, 2013

Item found

Work ID badge






















I recently found an ID badge in my mailbox.

I've been using it at work the last few days and asking everyone to call me John Cheatwood. It's been alright (I even appeared on a TV documentary being filmed at our office called Guys Named John), but this new guy in the office, Stewart Cheatwood, said he knows I'm a fake Cheatwood and if I keep it up he'll tell the boss.

I feel like maybe being a Danny for a while anyway.

If the badge is yours, give me a call. No reward money is necessary, but I wouldn't mind a trade for some cough drops.


555-8711

December 21, 2013

December 20, 2013

Openings

Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour
Grand re-opening!

* New exhibits featuring some of the oldest living ice cubes
* Tasting tours every 20 minutes: sample ice cubes from all over the world!
* History of Ice Cube Wars walking tour
* Ice cube tray photograph keepsakes: have your face superimposed on a set of cubes
* Glasses of iced tap water (complimentary)


And much more!
Call for museum hours and tickets: 555-7743

December 19, 2013

Obituary

Poog Cronin
1937-2013

Our beloved Poog, who presided over the first shampoo bottle-loofah sponge wedding in his bathroom, died doing what he loved: lying in a kiddie pool of grape juice. Mr. Cronin was a political activist and was one of the leading advocates of S.P.C.M.L. (Separation of Pillow Cases and Meat Loaf), P.C.T.N! (Paul, Cut Your Toe Nails!) and the 1960s radical group What Time Is It Going To Be In 10 Minutes?!

Played trumpet in the jazz quintet Peanut Butter Face and was part of the group's farewell show at a winter, 1993 benefit to raise awareness of snow.

Funeral services are set for Saturday at 5:00 p.m., then we're off to Tommy's Pub for movie trivia.

December 18, 2013

For rent

Are you looking for a place to stand?

Stand on some of my leaves.





















$11/half hour
Dwayne  555-0771


"You won't find a better deal anywhere."

- Dwayne

December 17, 2013

Services

If someone sitting in YOUR seat?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

December 16, 2013

Missing

Lettuce
















We've lost some more lettuce, missing since Saturday. He's never been away from the salad bowl and he's probably frightened and cold.

Reward salad dressing offered.


Bianca & Chris 555-6515

December 15, 2013

Featured works

This month's Bobby Classifieds Featured Works is graffiti artist UNTO


UNTO exhibition now through January 8 at Kaynesport Gallery - 310 Derwood Street, downtown

December 14, 2013

For hire

Freelance Santa Claus for hire

* Since 1992

- Stand-in mall Santa (1992-present)

As lead Santa:

- Furniture liquidation parking lot (1992-present)
- Museum Of Snowman Casualties (2003-2007)
- Cell Phone Emporium grand opening (December, 2008)
- Played "Santa Claus"/"Mike Harrison" in 2001 made-for-TV-movie Santa In The Attic

* I have my regular Santa beard/hat look as well as two other looks: Goatee & Wool Hat Santa & Clean-Shaven w/ Eye Patch Santa
* Along with regular fee, must provide bus fare reimbursement


Dale  555-2110

December 13, 2013

For sale

Shrimp shells


















$.20 each or $2.75 for all 15
Max  555-3999


"You can't pass up this deal."

- Max

December 12, 2013

December 11, 2013

Disconnections

We were both in line at the post office the other day and I was trying to see how many shipping labels I could fit into my mouth.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which of my ears was blood coming out of, right or left?


Jerry  555-7118

December 10, 2013

For sale

Doof Daniels' autographed ball




* Comes with a paper towel of authenticity


$400
Harold 555-6796

December 9, 2013

Services

Need walls stared at and/or pointed at?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

December 8, 2013

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of my carpet

















* Close proximity to my dresser
* Appeared in the reality TV show Where Are My Contact Lenses?!
* One human child (age 4) available for adoption as well


Call 555-0003 for more information

December 7, 2013

Religious visions



















A vision of our lord and savior Jesus Christ appeared in a rain puddle on my driveway.

There is also a brown, pebble-like substance beneath Jesus' nose that we believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.


* $300 per viewing
* Jesus puddles also available in jars or plastic bags
* Viewings available now through the end of December


615 Shalderon Avenue, Plumptin

December 6, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Bag Boys: Portland
* We're Living in the Bathtub! - season 2
* Countdown to 9:45 p.m.: Shreveport
* Let's Glue Things to That Old Man - final season


$5 each
Kenneth  555-0022

December 5, 2013

Item found

I found the exact location of the sewer.

Here's the first clue:

















If you'd like to receive the rest of the clues, come to a meeting at my house.

December 9, 7:00 p.m. - 410 Biagioni Street, Kaynesport

December 4, 2013

Meetings

Friends of Vanessa Lynch
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* Vanessa's new stick of deodorant: Q&A
* Vanessa doesn't like cherry soda anymore
* Where we can spend our Vanessa Bucks, where we can't
* Who's going to tell Vanessa she has some tuna fish in her hair?


December 7, 4:00 p.m. at Juan's condo

December 3, 2013

December 2, 2013

For sale

Christmas tree needles

















$.75 each or $100 for all 315
Jake  555-4409

December 1, 2013

Services

In a grocery store checkout line and need someone to collect your change and hand it to you? 


Joe Maglio  555-9995

November 30, 2013

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one left-footed roller skate, doesn't matter the color or size.

Willing to pay as much as $6 or the equivalent in cat litter.


Serious offers only.

Danny  555-0103

November 29, 2013

Meetings

The Rondos
Post-Thanksgiving meeting

On the agenda:

* VHS copies of Grandma Ruth dropping the turkey on the front lawn and angrily kicking it all the way to the front door are on sale now. See Grandpa Wayne at the washing machine for more details.
* Countdown to Thanksgiving, 2014 begins April 7 at midnight
* Aunt Carla is still hiding underneath the car in the driveway


Today, 3:30 p.m. on the front porch

November 28, 2013

For sale

Video footage of my mailman dropping off/picking up mail available for a limited time.

* VHS copies only
* Used envelopes also available


Hector
555-0022

November 27, 2013

For sale

Apricot




- Fresh
- Interesting trades for parsley considered


$3
Beth 555-5091


** Hurry, several dozen ants interested **

November 26, 2013

For hire

Off-season Easter Bunny for hire

* Available November through late-February
* Must provide ears


Tim  555-4007

November 25, 2013

November 24, 2013

Meetings

Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Forcing the customers to jog around the building three times to receive their change was not on the training video
* The "too many cigars in my nose" joke at the cash register is no longer funny
* We do not have a give a penny take a frozen pizza tray


Tomorrow morning, 9:30 a.m.

November 23, 2013

Announcements

21st annual Build Your Own Snowman Contest






















Derwood Morris: 19th place

November 22, 2013

For sale

Little league baseball trophy






















I'm trying to sell my son's baseball trophy. He won it for most-improved player (2012), but to be honest he regressed quite a bit this year.

I don't want him thinking a .253 average and 17 errors at shortstop is acceptable, so if interested, I'd also like to get a quick photograph of you holding the trophy for my son's stocking stuffer.

* Some sunflower seeds also available


$15
Hank  555-9923

November 21, 2013

Events

Evan & Rory Near The Movies
Friday show


Movies to discuss:

* The Water Fountain Of The Opera
* Things We Lost In The Salad Bar
* The Greatest T-Shirt To Ever Fold
* My Big Fat Greek Driving Instructor


November 22, 7:00 p.m. on WDERTV

November 20, 2013

For rent

Top of hamburger bun




* 100% bread
* Bottom of bun separate rental


$3/hour
Natalie 555-0111

November 19, 2013

For sale

2013 wall calendar

* 12 Months of Raisins
* Some of November & all of December still unwritten upon
* Previous months also available


$4
Dale  555-9114

November 18, 2013

Wanted

Looking to purchase several pounds of taco shells for a bed I want to make. I'm willing to pay upwards of $8/pound.

We can also discuss potential 1-for-1 trades for hamburger bun bottoms.


Lamar  555-1558

November 17, 2013

Services

Need some From The Desk Of Joe Maglio stationery?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

November 16, 2013

November 15, 2013

For sale

Tissues

* Seven available
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Who Won't Get Laryngitis?!
* Free unwrapped cough drop with purchase


$.50 each or $3 for all seven
Abbie  555-3441

November 14, 2013

For rent

Leaf crown






















$15/hour
Dwayne  555-6115

November 13, 2013

Help wanted

A fly got into my apartment recently and I need help getting it out.












[Last known photo. Taken Monday afternoon]



Patrice  555-0113

November 12, 2013

November 11, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* My Head Hurts! - final season
* Countdown To 8:30 p.m.: Seattle
* Does Grandma Have To Eat With Us? - season 5
* Watch Me Eat Pistachios - season 1 w/deleted scenes


$4 each
Dante  555-0788

November 10, 2013

For sale

Used car

* 210,000 miles, red
* Missing front passenger side seat, some of the roof
* About 1/2 of a sausage calzone somewhere in the back free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 1996 documentary When Harry Rented When Harry Met Sally


$275 or best offer
Harry  555-3244

November 9, 2013

Services

Need sunglasses looked out of?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

November 8, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Support interracial umbrella relationships






















November 12, vote "NO" on proposition 519


Other prop bills:

38: Ban the use of string instruments while showering
117: Legality of hair conditioner on bratwurst
56: Separate but equal: rain drops

November 7, 2013

Disconnections

We were both at the bank Tuesday morning and I was trying to see how many deposit slips I could fit in my mouth.

We made eye contact twice.

What color pen exploded and went all over my shirt?


Jacqueline  555-2281

November 6, 2013

For hire

Painters for hire





















* A combined 30 years of experience
* Specializing in dark paints on brick
* Must provide brushes, some paint


Pete's Paints
555-8872

November 5, 2013

Meetings

Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
November meeting


On the agenda:

* Vacation schedule for Friday, November 8:

- Andrea 8:00 a.m. - 9:30 a.m.
- Bruce 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
- D'Andre 2:35 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

* When is it going to be 6:15?


Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. at headquarters

November 4, 2013

Services

Need your grass cut?

Tired of the same, old lawnmowers?

Hire us, and we'll come and eat all of your grass.


Call for rates and availability
Vince & Son  555-6645


* Now also chewing up old driveway gravel *

November 3, 2013

November 2, 2013

Help wanted

I'm looking for someone who can teach my pet lizard sign language.












I've had him for three years and I don't think he's ever going to be able to speak. Willing to spend up to $15/hour for your services.

Please, serious offers only.


Trent  555-0114

November 1, 2013

Services

Professional pointer for hire

"Give me something to point at."

* Over 15 years experience
* Once pointed at a corn crop for seven minutes, 40 seconds, (national record)
* Appeared as an extra on the infomercial Pointing Out Of Windows With Wendy


Call for prices and availability
Olivia  555-4778

** Coming winter, 2013: pointing at falling snow **

October 31, 2013

For hire

Wood graffiti carver for hire










* Specializing in upper-case letters *


Call for rates and availability
Claire  555-9822


"I'll carve my name into anything."

- Claire, 9/30/13

October 30, 2013

October 29, 2013

For rent

Crab leg






















* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Who Won't Get Bit By A Jellyfish?!
* Comes with some free sand


$7/half hour
Randal  555-4009

October 28, 2013

For sale

Used bumper stickers

* How's My Sandal Tossing? 555-3425
* My Child Left Her Raincoat At Plumptin Elementary School
* Guns Don't Kill People, Holding Book Club Meetings In The Toll Plaza Express Lane Kills People
* My Child Spilled Her Apple Juice At Plumptin Elementary School


$4 each
Xavier  555-3425

October 27, 2013

Meetings

Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting


On the agenda:

* No matter how many times they send us press releases and photographs, Dodgecantaloupe is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the hoagie roll
* Our new Smelliest Kid Of The Week page: Q&A


October 31, 1:00 p.m.

October 26, 2013

Announcements

I've heard, through reliable sources, that my neighbors Roger & Mindy Callaway won't be giving out any Halloween candy this year.

That gives you a perfect opportunity to come to my house for all your Halloween needs.

* Guaranteed answer on first ring/knock
* Each trick-or-treater gets one free grab into The Box of Mystery & Applesauce
* Pre-Christmas sit on Santa's lap (minimum 10 seconds) available to first 25 kids to come to the door


Greg McAllister
433 Lavrondo Blvd.
West Kaynesport

October 25, 2013

Services

Need car doors opened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 24, 2013

Meetings

Sid's Seafood Palace
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting sea shells with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Meet your new front-end manager in charge of rearranging tables and chairs, Maureen
* Making the customers get their own water from the hose behind the restaurant was not on the training video


Saturday morning, 11:00 a.m.

October 23, 2013

For sale

Peanut shells

















$.75 each or all nine for $5
Renee  555-7448

October 22, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying a parking ticket.

* $75 owed
* I'm at the corner of Durly Lane & 9th Street in Kaynesport, standing next to a red car with some french fries underneath the right front tire. I'll be wearing brown pants and a blue t-shirt with CELERY written in white on the front.
* Come by and help pay my ticket in the next 30 minutes and receive one free handshake with the meter maid


Jerry  555-8815

October 21, 2013

Public Service Announcement

















Don't let this happen to your bread.

Call P.E.T.W.B. (People for the Ethical Treatment of White Bread) at 555-3928 for more information.

October 20, 2013

Services

Need your pool cleaned?

Had enough of Joe Maglio coming over, cleaning for a few minutes, then either taking a swim and falling asleep in a lawn chair and/or eating all of the leaves in the pool?

You have other options.


Annette Maglio  555-8003

October 19, 2013

Meetings

Friends of Bart Carver
October meeting

On the agenda:

* For our November field trip to the water fountain by Bart's elementary school classroom, we still need deposits from Keisha, Darnell & Becky
* July 18, 2010: the day we had a surprise birthday at the office of Burt Carter
* Bart doesn't like meat loaf anymore


October 26, 6:30 p.m. at Janet's condo

October 18, 2013

For sale

I'm looking to find a good home for one of my napkins.














It's the last napkin of a package of 50 and I just haven't found a good use for him. He could use a fresh start.

Please: only looking for responses from solid families who wipe up their spills, however large, with napkins. Not looking to deal with people who use paper towels or wet-dry vacuums.


Give me a call and we can discuss price
Jasper  555-8713

October 17, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying the toll

* $2.50 owed
* I'm at the toll plaza on Highway 248, Kaynesport, fourth booth from the left in a blue car. I'm missing my driver's-side rear view mirror.
* First person to answer this ad gets 233 free pennies


** Hurry, many behind me interested **

Charles
555-4006

October 16, 2013

Disconnections

We were both in the dentist office waiting room the other day and I was licking several of the magazines.

We made eye contact three times.

Which lens was missing from my sunglasses, the right or left?


Deandre  555-3957

October 15, 2013

Letter from the editor
















The winners for this year's Film A Guy Singing To A Jar Of Mayonnaise contest have been selected and will receive their set of ice cubes by mail by the end of November. I'm also happy to announce that the search for the missing rain puddle has ended: the puddle simply evaporated the next day.

And finally, please stop mailing us gravel eating videos & model peanut shell skyscrapers as those contests both ended September 21.


- Derwood Morris

October 14, 2013

For sale

CD singles

* I Saw Mommy Kissing Five Santa Clauses - The Peggy Cliff Singers
* Barney Davis Eyes - Durly
* Unhappy (Stapled) Together - The Squirrels
* Stairway To The Apartment Over The Garage - Forehead


$4 each
Montell  555-2005

October 13, 2013

Destinations

Need a vacation?













I just bought a bunch of train cars and plenty of space is available.

Specialty cars also available, including:

* Sunflower seed/peanut shell "half & half cars" (cars 3, 9 & 15)
* The car with the wasp nests
* Dishwashing detergent (cars 5 & 6)
* The car of a thousand phone books
* Rusty lawn sprinklers (cars 2 & 7)
* The car containing my friend Greg


And more!


Call for full pricing plans
Wayne  555-3351

October 12, 2013

For rent



















* Must provide own seat *


$11/half hour
Dwayne  555-6801

October 11, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Will Anyone Go With My Daughter To The Homecoming Dance? - season 8
* My Cat Threw Up What?! - seasons 1 & 2
* Bad Mayonnaise Club - season 4
* My Knees Hurt! - final season
* Is Your Mustache Worse Than A Tenth Grader's? - season 5


$5 each
Vinnie  555-8813

October 10, 2013

For rent

Water fountain


- Silver
- Band aid free with signed rental agreement
- Appeared on the reality TV special At The Water Fountain With The Stars: Season 7 Reunion


$2/minute


Call for location
Mr. Torkelson  555-0081

October 9, 2013

Services

Need a phone number dialed?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 8, 2013

Services

Not sure if your bread is stale or not? Have you been disappointed in the past and don't want to go through the heartache again?

Let me find out about the state of your bread for you.


$3 per taste
Melissa  555-7711

Also available:

* Butter, jam application
* Toastings:
6:00 a.m.-9:30 a.m. ($3 per piece)
After 9:30 a.m. ($1.25 per piece)
* Bread fight referee

October 7, 2013

October 6, 2013

For sale

I'm selling one blue pen cap, looking to get at least $4 for it.


* Slightly-chewed
* Serious offers only


Hakeem  555-1118

October 5, 2013

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
October meeting

On the agenda:

* Andrea's new scarf: Q&A
* Copies of the new documentary Andrea Looks Out The Window & Andrea Eats An Apple 8/10/13 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Hector under stair 3
* Andrea doesn't like asparagus anymore


October 9, 6:00 p.m.

October 4, 2013

For sale

I've been sent a number of ransom notes over the past few months and I'd like to move them for the right price. Great deals available.


"Bring me all your shampoo"
"I have the door to your mailbox"
"Don't even think about finishing that crossword puzzle"
"I have one of your front steps"
"I made this ransom note with your glue stick. Return the letter, unharmed, if you ever want to see your glue stick again"
"Bring me all your mayonnaise packets"
"We have your tissue. If you ever want to blow your nose again, meet me underneath the bridge at 7:30 a.m."


Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710

October 3, 2013

For sale



























Plenty of copies available

$4 or best offer
Harvey Cliff  555-7116

October 2, 2013

For hire

Leaf-eating contest champion for hire

* National title-winning seasons: 1981, 2004, 2012
* Must provide your own leaves
* Now also competitively eating soda bottle caps & newspaper crossword puzzles


Call for prices and availability
Ivan  555-4671

October 1, 2013

For rent

Freezer space

I've got a small corner in the back corner of my freezer available if you need to keep something frozen for a while.

* Freezer is in close proximity to wobbly light fixture 3
* Six frozen chicken fingers also available (inquire within)


Rental price: $6/half hour. Three ice cubes free with minimum two hour rental agreement.

Greg  555-2201

September 30, 2013

September 29, 2013

Disconnections

I fell off a riding lawnmower right in front of you as you were walking down the sidewalk the other day.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

What brand of chocolate bar was all over my hands?


Dale  555-4330

September 28, 2013

Events

The 1st annual Kaynesport Film Festival is almost here!

Films to be screened:

Things We Lost in the Sauerkraut
All the President's Hens
Throw Momma's Orthopedic Back Pillow from the Train
Garden Snakes of Wrath
The Greatest Scrambled Eggs To Ever Go Cold


Plus, the newest documentary film from director Claus Percy:

Lady at a Film Festival


October 19 at the Derwood Filmhouse - 4500 Poog Blvd., Kaynesport

September 27, 2013

Services

Need pools swam in?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 26, 2013

Vigils

Former rain puddle

We'll be convening at the corner of Delwood Lane & Piso Street in Kaynesport to honor the life of a once-great rain puddle.

Special events include:

* Eulogy by Reverend Donnie Craig: The next generation of rain puddles
* Peggy Cliff sings her new single "When's it going to rain again?"
* Worm adoptions





















Puddle in its prime, last Friday



Saturday, 4:00 p.m.
For more information call Greg at 555-4955

September 25, 2013

Missing

Some popcorn






















[age progression photo from a few minutes ago]


* Missing since this morning
* Last seen as un-popped kernels. We're very worried.
* Reward potato chips offered


Fred & Liza  555-0112

September 24, 2013

Wanted

I'd like to find a mirror to look into or at least someone to tell me if this top looks alright on me.

Willing to provide any of my dad's stupid tennis trophies in exchange for services.


Caitlyn  555-8772

September 23, 2013

Meetings

Friends of Lenny Baddamor
September meeting

On the agenda:

* We've added the following items to the winter auction: a sleeve from Lenny's leather jacket, some lettuce Lenny didn't eat in July
* January 16, 2009: the day we met Bennie Lattamore
* Our field trip to Lenny's little league dugout has been moved to November 4th
* Lenny doesn't like eggplant anymore


September 26, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's apartment complex gazebo

September 22, 2013

Services

Need the correct time?

* Any time before 3:15 p.m. - $3 for each time given
* 3:15 p.m.-9:59 p.m. - $4
* 10:00 p.m. or later - $1 + 15-second back rub


Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 21, 2013

TV listings

WDER's Saturday reality TV lineup

7:30 p.m. - Alarm Clock Swap
8:00 p.m. - My Feet Hurt! (season 5 reunion show)
8:30 p.m. - Who Won't Shower?!
9:00 p.m. - Is Your Breath Worse Than A Third Grader's?
10:00 p.m. - Baseball Groundskeeper Wives


WDER

Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56

September 20, 2013

For sale

My child's art work






















* "Mr.  Tomlinson" - original crayon on construction paper
* Three-year old (female human) & 17-day old (guinea pig) free with purchase


Call for pricing list
Andy & Paige  555-7444

September 19, 2013

September 18, 2013

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one right-footed bowling shoe, preferably blue and a men's size between 10-13.

Willing to pay as much as $9 or the equivalent in bird seed.


Jarrett  555-3220

September 17, 2013

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
September meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Photographic Encyclopedia of People Pointing at Rain Puddles - Chocolate House Publishing
* A Child Called 'Elbow' - Evelyn Stradmore
* The Idiot's Guide to Standing in Line - Lavellecronin Publishing


September 20, 5:30 p.m. at Janelle's condo

September 16, 2013

For sale

Photograph collection

Thousands of pictures, including:

* Glenn asleep with corn chips in his nose
* "Ant Hill III."
* 2009 Kaynesport Aztecs little league team photo (missing Zach Lacy, 2B)
* Unidentified blue thing
* Grape
* Martin's wedding toast (w/pants zipper down and two cocktail shrimp tails in hair)
* Carpet stain in shape of thin Santa Claus (RARE)
* "Bowl of milk: after the cereal"


Individual photos or entire collection available
Lisa 555-8337

September 15, 2013

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of my front lawn
















* Close proximity to sea shell road 6
* Appeared in the reality TV show Cutting The Grass With Scissors With The Stars
* One one cat (age 15) and one human child (age 7) available for adoption as well


Call 555-2871 for more information

September 14, 2013

For sale

Cat food




















More than 50 pieces available


.20 each or $8.50 for whole lot
Sandy  555-2271

** Free cat with purchase **

September 13, 2013

Announcements

Kaynesport Historical Society
Fall museum schedule


Now open:

* Museum of Many Staircases
* Snowmen of the World
* The Museum of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast
* History of the Spoken Worm
* Museum With One Restroom


Call 555-3341 for schedule and ticketing

September 12, 2013

September 11, 2013

For sale

Joe Maglio memorabilia


Top items available:

- Maglio Corn Chip Beard™ (11 available)
- Photograph of Joe pointing at a pile of leaves on the set of Pointing At Leaves With Steve
- Maglio Muffins™ (six available)
- Photograph of Joe & heavyweight boxer Moe Jaglio


* Everything MUST go *


Cynthia Maglio  555-9995

September 10, 2013

Public Service Announcement

















You can help prevent young produce from getting too close to the wall sockets.

September 24, vote "yes" on proposition 488.


Other prop bills to be voted on:

91: Separate but equal: ice cubes
513: Ban the use of percussion instruments underwater
107: The legality of nail polish remover on pizza

September 9, 2013

Item found

Work ID badge






















I found this badge last Friday outside my apartment building, next to a bunch of leaves.

I tried using it today at work, but everyone kept saying "Stewart? I thought your name was Paul." So, it's time to reunite the badge with its owner.

If it's yours, give me a call. I'm not looking for any reward money, but I've been trying to get my hands on some rubber bands for a while. Maybe we can work out a trade.


Paul  555-4002

* Also have several leaves available for purchase *