October 31, 2012

For sale

Empty mayonnaise packet collection

* Over 250
* Comes with some free mayonnaise
* Interesting trades for unopened mustard packets considered

Entire collection or individual packets available
Dorothy  555-6117

October 30, 2012


Garrisonville Thunder
Additions to the 2012-2013 promotional calendar

November 20 - Desk Drawer Night
November 24 - Throw Raisins at the Head Referee (pre-game)
December 8 - Rabid Squirrel Night
December 22 - Merle The Twirl McGinley Autographed Paper Towel (1st 10,000 fans)
January 1 - Plastic Bag Day
January 16 - Bring Your Caterpillar to the Arena

Call 555-5009 for tickets

October 29, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to pile violence: prevent your leaves from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 28, 2012

Religious visions

An image of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on my grandpa Merle's t-shirt.

There is a brown holy mark in the middle of the shirt, above Jesus' left eye, that we believe is the sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my attic.

* $140 per viewing
* Holy Shirt! ™ -brand apparel also available
* Ladies 35-45 only

1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2012

For sale

Money clearance sale

* Several $1 bills
* Quarter w/some dried ketchup (RARE)
* Also available: nickels

Call for pricing list
Chip 555-1342

October 26, 2012

For sale


* Slightly cracked

Keonte  555-3844

October 25, 2012


Need sandpaper eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 24, 2012



Missing since Monday. He's never been away from the kitchen since we brought him home from the grocery store and we're very worried.

Reward grapes offered.

Lawrence & Gail  555-7552

October 23, 2012


Pete Kleinschmidt

Mr. Kleinschmidt died doing what he loved: throwing clumps of grass at neighborhood children. Was minister in the first legalized mouse marriage (January, 2009), and once spent a night in a bed of ketchup to win a bet. Founding member of the political activist groups S.O.C.C. (Separation of Caterpillar & Coffee) and E.R.G. (Equal Rights for Goldfish).

Funeral services are set for October 27 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jimmy Q's for movie trivia.

October 22, 2012

For sale

October car payment

* $300
* Was due October 18
* Half of an air freshener free with purchase

Trent  555-4120

October 21, 2012

Item found


We found him Thursday evening on the sidewalk near a rain puddle. It's hard to lose a leaf, and we know his owner must be worried.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Ivan & Farrah  555-9922

October 20, 2012

For rent

Plastic fork

* Clear
* Used once (mashed potatoes)
* Free plastic spoon with rental agreement

$5/half hour
Hakeem  555-8223

October 19, 2012

Help wanted

I need someone to help me get my balloons down from the power line.

One free balloon to whoever can get them down.

Randy  555-3776

October 18, 2012


Torpedos 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please return all uneaten sunflower seeds to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Humphries' worst players of the year list: #7, Martin Bainbridge.
* Awards to be given out:

- Wobbliest pitch
- Run home fall down award
- Worst breath (5'9 and under division)
- Most awkward significant other
- Worst slide

October 20, 7:30 p.m. at Derwood Ballroom

October 17, 2012


Need sawdust eaten?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 16, 2012

For sale

 Reality TV on DVD

* Bag Boys: Knoxville
* Yawning With The Stars - Season 2
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 6 (w/extended scenes)
* Does Your Uncle Have To Be Here? - Final season
* Who Can't Read?! - Season 1

$5 each
Nadine  555-5996

October 15, 2012


Papi-Papi's Cuban Restaurant
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* In the birthday song, the phrase "everyone here hates you" is not repeated over and over again at the end
* Putting to-go food in a customer's shoes was not on the training video

October 17, 9:30 a.m.

October 14, 2012

For rent

Stick of butter

$2/half hour
Samantha 555-1171

October 13, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to swing-on-swing set crime.

Call 555-4291 to find out how you can help.

October 12, 2012


Advice lady for hire

* Wearing a wool hat into the shower
* There's no reason to go shoe shopping for a ferret
* Don't pour motor oil on your pancakes
* Making a meatloaf out of a molehill
* What to do after you fall out of your mail truck
* You can't take a vegetable slicer to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with milk

Call for rates and availability
Carleen 555-7585

October 11, 2012

For sale

VHS movies

Pot Hole on 34th Street
Combover: Impossible
Honey, I Sauteed the Kids
All The President's Pens
Carpet Stain at Bernie's

$4 each
Bernard 555-1711

October 10, 2012

For rent

Cell phone

* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Is Anyone Going to Answer That?
* Dead ants (3) inside free with rental agreement

Priced by the call:

-  $.75/call or $3 for five calls


- $12/half hour

Bobby  555-2323

October 9, 2012


Friends of Bob Rinkman
February meeting

Items to discuss:

* Bob's middle school grades: Q&A
* FBR Flashback, September 22, 2005: the accidental surprise party for Rob Binkmen
* Our field trip to Bob's neighbor Calvin's front lawn has been moved to November  6
* Bob no longer likes spinach

February 22, 1:30 p.m. at Catherine's apartment

October 8, 2012

For sale

Movies on DVD

The Girl With The Wheelbarrow Tattoo
Flat Tire Of A Salesman
Karate Hippo 2
Dances With Lawnmowers
Things We Lost In The Gravy

$3 each
Samantha 555-4337

October 7, 2012

For sale


$3 or best offer
Ernie  555-8223

October 6, 2012


Meetings at Kaynesport Hall - Annex C

Fake Hiccuper's Anonymous
* Meeting moved to October 14

Salad Olympics Opening Ceremonies
* October 8 rehearsal canceled

The People In Mary Vincent's Bathtub
* Field trip to the spare bedroom: November 3

Wheelbarrow Basketball
* Team 4 practice moved to October 15 at 7:00 p.m.

To post a meeting call 555-4401

October 5, 2012


Need a toilet flushed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 4, 2012

For sale

Block of cheddar cheese

* Some mold
* Hundreds of uses

Ben  555-2338

October 3, 2012


The rubber band-eating contest has been moved to October 27 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

All competitors please bring your pastrami helmet and a drawing or photograph of a glass of milk.

- TBC staff

October 2, 2012

For sale

1/2 paper cup of wine

* White w/potato chip crumbs
* Paper cup sold separately

$4 or best offer
Dale  555-8459

October 1, 2012

For sale


* Rare *

$7 or best offer
Caroline 555-8171