June 30, 2012

For sale

Used books

* Idiot's Guide To The Stapler - Ed. Molly Orsen
* To Date A Mockingbird - Claire Burkhalter
* Championship Prison Swim Teams - Chocolate House Publishing
* Coffee Stain of a Salesman - Charles Wood

$3 each
Amanda  555-4488

June 29, 2012

For rent

Cat litter

* Priced by the half hour or by the ounce
* Free cat with rental agreement

Steven  555-2233

June 28, 2012


Friends of Bill Wilson
July meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is going to tell Bill he still has a potato chip in his mustache from Saturday's barbecue/fundraiser to raise awareness of mustard?
* How our accidental votes for Will Bilson swung last Tuesday's election
* Our field trip to Bill's 4th grade art room has been moved to August 26

July 1, 7:00 p.m. at Corinne's apartment

June 27, 2012

For rent


Kenneth  555-9334

June 26, 2012


Porter City Swim Club
Pre-summer meeting

Items to discuss:

* You only need to wear one pair of goggles
* Why the "wheelbarrow in the pool" prank is no longer funny
* Please take your jeans off before you put on your speedo

June 28, 3:00 p.m. - Len Shelton Aquatics Center

June 25, 2012

For sale

Used car

* 277,000 miles
* Green w/dried barbecue sauce racing stripes
* Missing rear-view mirrors, back passenger-side back tire, roof
* Two slices of white bread somewhere in back free with purchase

Jimmy  555-7702

"The time to buy this car is now."

- Jimmy

June 24, 2012

Item found


We found him Friday evening on the sidewalk. It's hard to lose a feather, and these must be difficult times for his owner.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Mary & Bruce  555-0334

June 23, 2012

For sale


* 37-years old
* Bald since 2002
* Appeared on the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!

$700 or best offer
Catherine  555-7300

June 22, 2012

Letter from the editor

Congratulations to the May winners of the Name That Eggplant contest. You will be notified by-mail and receive your envelope of grated cheese shortly after. Also, please stop sending us shampoo drinking videos, the contest ended March 30.

- Derwood Morris

June 21, 2012

Help wanted

I need to pay for my haircut.

I'm at Henry's Hair on 18th Street in Kaynesport, sitting in chair 3. I'll be pointing at my head.

* $12 + tip owed
* Free hair with purchase

$15 or best offer
Kurt 555-2323

June 20, 2012

For rent


* Dead mouse behind cushion free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Sitting Down With The Stars

$8/half hour
Dale  555-2919

June 19, 2012

Police report

Otis Lazlo
Age: 41

June 17: Mr. Lazlo was arrested for leaving the scene of an omelet and for two counts of yolk profiling.

Previous arrests:

January 18, 2008: Felony finger chewing-and-run.

November 26, 2002: Felony possession of more than 50 photographs of ant hills with intent to distribute.

March 2, 1996: Arrested for providing false information. Mr. Lazlo claimed he was a Puerto Rican monkey named Paco and that the only way to properly wash an automobile is with barbecue sauce.

Lazlo, Otis
Bail: $14

June 18, 2012

Husband for sale

Age: 48

Pluses: Once ate an entire box of crayons to win a bet; was minister in the first legalized goldfish marriage (August, 2009)

Minuses: During a 1993 job interview, drank a bottle of shampoo. Didn't get job.

Awards & honors:

* Fattest, 2001-2002 Plumptin adult softball league D
* 7th place, Build your own Chimney
* Outfield Fall Down Award, 2003-2004 Plumptin adult softball league D
* Worst Punt, 1977 Pittsfield Cougars middle school football

Acting history:

* 1994, played "Horace" in the off-Broadway musical Snowman on the Roof
* 1996, played fire hydrant #3 on a a Hefty Milk Bone commercial
* 2005-2007, stand-in for "Dr. Vanderells" on the daytime soap opera These Can't Be All My Children

$800 or best offer
Valerie 555-6981

** Hurry, many interested **

June 17, 2012


Drunville Blastos baseball
Additions to promotional calendar

July 6 - Door Knob Night (First 5,000 fans)
July 22 - Toss Buckets of Sawdust into the Bullpen
August 3 - Bring Your Salamander to the Ballpark
August 6 - Rabid Raccoon Day
August 15 - Throw Celery at the Center Fielder
September 29 - Mini Blastos Helmet of Coleslaw (First 1,000 fans under 14)

Call 555-DRUN for tickets

June 16, 2012


Need some dirt or mud eaten?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

June 15, 2012


NoPay Grocery Store - Store 345
Cashiers Town Hall Meeting

Items to discuss:

* What's the code for asparagus?
* Put on your work shirt before your vest
* Bathroom breaks: where not to sit

June 18, 8:00 a.m.

June 14, 2012


Bubbles & Suds Car Wash
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Why our Grandma Feet air fresheners were a bad idea
* From now on, please shower at home
* We do not offer wheelbarrow detailing

June 16, 3:00 p.m.

June 13, 2012

For sale


- Honey, I Microwaved The Kids
- Things we lost in the Cole Slaw
- I Sneezed on Miguel 2
- Dances with Wheelbarrows

$4 each or all three for $10
Wally 555-9155

June 12, 2012


The People In Mary Vincent's Bathtub
October meeting

On the agenda:

* Has anyone seen the bar soap?
* Our field trip to the sink has been moved to July 3
* Who is driving Mary's mother-in-law to her Grass Easters Anonymous meeting on Thursday?

June 14, 2:00 p.m.

June 11, 2012

For rent

Hot dog bun

* Light mold
* Free mustard water pamphlet with rental agreement

$4/half hour
Deondre  555-2181

June 10, 2012

New Bobby T-Shirts

"I sold my hair at the Bobby Classifieds"

$10 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

June 9, 2012


Flight 423 to Kaynesport
Row G meeting

On the agenda:

* Where is the overhead luggage compartment? Q&A
* Pointing out of the window 101
* What if I held some ice cubes and the stewardess poured my drink into my hands? Q&A

June 11, 3:30 p.m. in the north parking lot by the elevators

June 8, 2012


Need anything folded?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

June 7, 2012


Our beloved piece of lettuce has gone missing

* Green
* Last seen Monday on the counter
* Reward crouton offered

[Photograph aged one day]

Bianca & Chris 555-6515

June 6, 2012

For sale


"Legends of Lettuce Olympics"

* Dorothy Tuck - $15
* Murray Vernon (RARE) - $40

"Deadliest Possums - Series 4"

* Pointy - $5

"Leaves - 1993"

* Brown - $3
* Yellowish-brown - $8

All in mint condition
Carlton  555-3444

June 5, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Cut My Toenails! - Season 4
* So, You Think You Can Hitchhike? - Final season w/deleted scenes
* 6th Grader Swap - Season 1
* Watch Me Eat Sand - Seasons 2 & 3
* Who Wants To Glue Cereal To A Millionaire? - Season 5

$8 each
Sandy  555-3321

June 4, 2012

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared in my carpet cleaner.

Viewings available now and until the end of August.

$75/half hour
844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

June 3, 2012

For sale

Ice cubes

* Two available
* Hurry, they're melting

$.75 each or both for $1.25
Henry  555-7223

** Serious offers only **

June 2, 2012


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #401
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* There's no such thing as a "taking your wallet out of your pocket tax"
* Bring your Ferret to Work Day has been moved to June 27
* Please stop accepting rubber spiders as currency

June 2, 1:00 p.m.

June 1, 2012