May 31, 2012

For sale

Carrot sticks


$2 each or both for $3
Tevin  555-4911

** Hurry, many interested **

May 30, 2012

Announcements

Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to 2012 promotional calendar

June 25 - Extension Cord Night
July 9 - Celery stalk (first 10,000 fans)
August 2 - Bring Your Penguin To The Park
August 4 - Bus Seat Day
August 28 - Throw Pinecones At The Center Fielder


Call 555-DRUN for tickets

May 29, 2012

For sale

Water bottle cap collection




















* Over 50 available
* Interesting trades for empty water bottles considered


Call for pricing list
Hank  555-1127

May 28, 2012

Services

Ticket Kings
For this summer's hottest events at The Kaynesport Dome

June 30 - The Jewelry Keepers
July 22 - M.A.T.S. (Mothers Against Teenage Shrugging) annual conference
July 29 - Mud-eating contest national tournament
August 4 - Beth & Rory Sing the Real Estate Pages
August 16 - Napkins On Ice


Ticket Kings 555-2881

May 27, 2012

Services

Phil's Flooring Service

"If you had Phil's floor, you'd be standing on it by now"


* Mayo base
* Hardwood floor theft prevention
* Saying "Phil's floors" ten times fast practice
* Edible carpet
* Ceramic tile war historian on site
* Free turtle drawing with purchase


Phil's - 665 Bogley Lane, Shoshane Valley Unincorporated

May 26, 2012

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
June meeting

Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting A Sneeze - Janet Kremier
* Mayonnaise In The Rye - Morris Leonard
* Championship Prison Volleyball Teams - Chocolate House Publishing
* The Idiot's Guide To The Sidewalk - Editor: Jojo Vance


May 30, 4:00 p.m. at Tyanna's apartment

May 25, 2012

New Bobby mugs available




email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

May 24, 2012

For sale

Paper towels

* Eleven available (eight new, three used more than twice)
* Interesting trades for napkins considered


$1 each or all eleven for $10
Pete  555-3426

May 23, 2012

Missing

Corn cob


















* Last seen: Monday on the kitchen table
* He had the corn eaten off of him before going missing,
and he's probably cold and scared
* Reward corn kernels offered


Lawrence & Gail  555-7552

May 22, 2012

Meetings

Car pool to work
Pre-May 24 meeting


May 23 at 5:00 p.m., back seat of Linda's station wagon


Motivational poster: Daryl
Band aids: Patricia

May 21, 2012

Opportunities

I built a flour tortilla boat and I'm going to sail around the world, or down the Kaynesport River for a little while.

If interested, give me a call.

(Ladies ages 18-through-23 only)


Jeremy  555-3049

May 20, 2012

Events

The Kerwin Daniels House
Upcoming meeting/event schedule

May 23 - Women Named Linda, summer '12 kick off meeting. 7:00 p.m. in room 8
June 5 - F.L.A. (Fake Limper's Anonymous). 6:30 p.m. in room 5
June 9 - Record release party for the 25th anniversary release of Peggy Cliff's album I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone. Auxiliary auditorium, 9:00 p.m.
June 15 - What The Book? book club, summer meeting. Featuring discussion on several books, including A Child Called 'Pretzel' and The Idiot's Guide To Epilogues
June 21 - How to open a can of peas, part 3 of 3, with Dr. Ben Lawson. 5:00 p.m.
June 30 - July 1st Eve countdown, begins at 11:30 p.m. in the main auditorium


Kerwin Daniels House - 640 Derwood Lane, Kaynesport

May 19, 2012

For rent

Couch cushion

* White w/soy sauce stain
* Sitting or standing available
* Corn chip underneath free with rental agreement


$6/half hour
Paul  555-8102

May 18, 2012

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
May meeting

On the agenda:

* Our field trip to Andrea's second grade cubby hole has been moved to June 28
* Copies of the new documentary film Andrea Brushes Her Teeth: 2/7/12 are now available for $10; please see Raul under stair 4.
* Who is driving Andrea's father-in-law Dale to his L.E.A. (Leaf Eater's Anonymous) meeting next Wednesday?


May 20, 1:00 p.m.

May 17, 2012

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

Who Wants To Go On A Date With My Sister? - Season 7
Let's Glue Things To Ernie - First season
Bag Boys: Atlanta
Whose Nose Is Bleeding Now?! - Final season w/deleted scenes


$5 each
Keonte  555-0818

May 16, 2012

Meetings

Cal's Coffee Palace
May staff meeting

On the agenda:

* To-go coffee does not go into customer's baseball caps
* Please stop accepting index cards with dollar amounts on them as currency
* A piece of Styrofoam sprinkled with cinnamon is not a dessert menu item.


May 18, 11:00 a.m.

May 15, 2012

Services

Handy-man for hire

"Putting the 'handy-man' back in 'handy-man for hire' since 2007"

* Pointing at pine cones
* Shouting insults at sidewalk cracks
* Folding chairs 101
* "Let's run over to that lady and try to bite off some of her hair"
* Fake limp identification
* Highway on-ramp calisthenics: dos and don'ts
* Lipstick eating contest judge
* "I swallowed two ash trays to win a bar bet: what do I do now?"


Call for rates and availability
Chuck  555-6019

May 14, 2012

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #124
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* A customer's shirt pocket is not an acceptable place for to-go food
* There's no such thing as a "wearing brown shoes tax"
* Please stop allowing the customers to fill up duffel bags with our ice and sell it in the parking lot


May 17, 1:00 p.m.

May 13, 2012

For sale

Magazines

Salad Olympics Quarterly (January, 1997)
What Time Is It? (July, 2001 - 4:30 and 7:25 double issue)
Pointing At Mud (April, 1977)
Illustrated History of the Frown - Volume 2
Air Saxophonist (November, 2007; February, 2008)


$3 each
Paul  555-8102

May 12, 2012

Announcements

Spring, 2012 eating contest schedule at Derwood Fairgrounds

May 18 - Chinese food take out boxes
May 29 - Door bell
June 5 - Dishwashing detergent
June 16 - Napkin
June 22 - Myron Sanders
July 1 - Past eating contest judge's clipboards


Call 555-8338 for tickets

May 11, 2012

Meetings

Sarah's Salad Buffet
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* "Half-off oil change at Tire Guys" is not an accepted competitor's coupon
* There's no such thing as a three or more kids tax
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "fat idiot"


May 12, 10:00 a.m.

May 10, 2012

For sale

May rent payment

* $525
* Was due May 4
* Also available: June rent payment


Trent  555-4120

May 9, 2012

Meetings

Mel Langston for Governor
Emergency staff meeting


On the agenda:

* A bag of melted ice cream sandwiches is not a campaign contribution
* You don't need to make a concession speech after every unpleasant trip to the bathroom
* Despite what former assistant campaign manager Carl Henley may have said, a victory parade will not run through the girl's locker room at Kaynesport High School


May 10, 8:00 a.m.

May 8, 2012

Services

Advice Man for hire

* Taking a small awning in to the shower with you
* Don't pressure wash your driveway with milk
* Get down from that chandelier
* You can't take salad tongs to a gun fight
* Wearing a dress shirt and suspenders into the pool
* Where does he think he's going?
* Pointing practice: dos and don'ts
* Don't put french fries in your tea


Call for rates and availability
Kenneth 555-4029

May 7, 2012

For sale

Used car

* 261,000 miles
* Several onion slices melted to the hood
* 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich somewhere in the trunk free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show We're Living In The Above-Ground Pool!


$110
Brandon 555-9940

May 6, 2012

Meetings

Sandy's Salad Buffet
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The sneeze guard is not meant to spark up competitions between you and the customers
* We do not accept salad from other buffet restaurants as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase 'ugly moron'


May 7, 1:00 p.m.

May 5, 2012

For rent

Spoon
















* Has its own handle
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Watch Me Eat Gravel


$5/half hour
Randy  555-8118

May 4, 2012

Services

Need a pencil sharpened?


Joe Maglio Jr.  555-8885

May 3, 2012

Public Service Announcement


















Talk to your stuffed animals before they turn to a life in the trees.

Call 555-3546 to find out how you can make a difference.

May 2, 2012

For sale

Used play scripts


Little Shop Of Cold Medicine
Arm Pit Stains Of A Salesman
Get My Momma To Church! The Musical
(Here Comes) Peanutbutter Face


$4 each
Wendy  555-7588

May 1, 2012

For sale

Pretzel


$4
Darnell  555-4404