February 29, 2012

For sale

Two tickets to Celery Stalks On Ice

* Oatmeal pit
* Free wheelbarrow parking pass included
* Good for the March 1 matinee


$45 for the pair
Grant 555-8336

February 28, 2012

Home for rent



1/3 BR
0 BATH
1 OUTDOOR BATHTUB

* Rest of roof to be added April, 2012
* Grandpa Ned free with rental agreement
* Must provide own front door


$130/month
Chris & Amanda 555-4477

February 27, 2012

Meetings

Nudley's Laundromat
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home their drier
* We do not have a drive-thru
* The squirrel that ran into washing machine 7 with Mrs. Shelton's whites did not survive the spin cycle


February 29, 12:00 p.m.

February 26, 2012

Public Service Announcement



This spring, have your dumpsters chained up.

Help us make a difference.

February 25, 2012

Announcements

The 1st annual Lettuce Toss has been scheduled for March 17!

* BYOL
* Part of the documentary Lettuce


For more information: email derwoodmorris@gmail.com

For sale

Shards of glass

* Over 30 available
* Free pieces of glass to anyone who is willing to pick them out of an arm
* Interesting trades for chipped paint considered


Call for pricing list
Gwen  555-7665

February 24, 2012

Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


Voted "best car" in high school yearbook (June, 1997).

Rick box 44691


Let's make a Me sandwich. You bring a girlfriend or two, I'll bring the giant hoagie roll.

Darryl box 71792


I'm stuck in the drier again.

Need a woman to get me out and then go back in there and help me find a clean pair of underwear.

* Will provide shovel *

Bruce box 88112


WOMEN SEEKING MEN



Have had a lot of relationships end in Sudd's Car Wash parking lots.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Sudd's Car Wash.

Sandra box 73219


SBF, age 42. I'm told I chew in my sleep, but nothing has ever been proven.

Nadine box 20003


I have my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on my chest. His name is Eric.

Looking for a man named Eric or Derick.

Tina box 62727


OTHER

Single, clear ice cube. Melting.

Gus box 76609

February 23, 2012

For rent

Slice of bread




$1/hour
Ben 555-4501

February 22, 2012

Meetings

Forehead
Band meeting


On the agenda:

* Nothing rhymes with "zucchini"
* Please put on your guitar strap/guitar after your shirt
* Replacing the live miracle water infomercial as our opening act
* We have too many songs about engine coolant


February 24, 2:00 p.m.

February 21, 2012

For rent

Comb



* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Lice!
* Perfect for comb fights


$3/half hour
Betty 555-6001

February 20, 2012

For sale

Money clearance sale

* Plenty of $1 bills
* Just in: $10 bill
* Also available: dimes


Call for pricing list
Chip 555-1342

February 19, 2012

For sale

VHS movies

There Will Be Sneezing
Catch A Sinus Infection If You Can
Dances With Extension Cords
Honey, I Glued Egg Shells To The Kids


$4 each
Greg  555-6637

February 18, 2012

Public Service Announcement



Talk to your pickles about leaving the jar before some other vegetable does.


Call 555-0017 to learn more

February 17, 2012

Services

Advice lady for hire


* Don't pressure wash your driveway with nacho cheese
* Bringing sand bags into the bath tub
* Goldfish don't eat raisins
* Don't put onions in your chocolate milk
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your socks
* You can't take a ice cube shooter to a gun fight
* There's no reason to give names to each individual tissue in the box
* A carpet sample is not a pet
* I swallowed several pen caps: what do I do now?


Call for rates and availability
Sandra 555-8833

February 16, 2012

For hire

Off-season Santa Claus for hire

* Available January through October
* Must provide beard


Tim 555-4007

February 15, 2012

For sale

Cup of coffee

* About 1/2 full
* One sugar packet (opened) free with purchase
* Coffee available in a paper cup or, for a limited time, poured into your pants pocket


$2
Alex  555-8446

February 14, 2012

For sale

Two tires



* Used in the 2009 film Tire Sale On Mud Route 5
* Close proximity to the roof
* Uncle Elrod free with purchase


$23 each or $40 for the pair
Vincent 555-0717

February 13, 2012

For sale

Bacon


















* Two pieces available
* Interesting trades for uncooked bacon considered
* Ask about or layaway plans


$5 each or both for $9
Horace  555-8118

February 12, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Support Interracial Air Conditioning Units




Hotline: 555-3773

February 11, 2012

For sale

Lettuce




$2
Abe 555-2211

* Hurry, many interested *

February 10, 2012

For sale

Restaurant bill

* $43.67 + tip owed
* There are three of us at Donachella's Italian Restaurant, table 6. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing at the bill
* Half plate of fettuccine free with purchase


$40 or best offer

February 9, 2012

For sale

Digital camera

- Gray
- Polynesian sauce dried on bottom

Pictures still on camera:

* Wheelbarrow Fest '11 - Tomato Carry finals (6 photos)
* Uncle Wayne's thigh bruise
* The back of actor Ernie Hampton's head
* "Elbows of the East Coast" (16 photos)


$25
Janice 555-4301

February 8, 2012

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #52
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The drive-thru does not double as a tattoo parlor
* Please stop accepting cotton balls in exchange for french fries
* There is no such thing as a tying your shoelaces while on line tax


February 9, 9:30 a.m.

February 7, 2012

For sale

Grape



* Purple
* Stems sold separately


$4
Barry 555-3381

February 6, 2012

Openings

Gary's Pawn Shop
Grand opening!


Items for sale:

* Computer keyboard keys (A-through-E, J, S, V available)
* "Leaves from many states" collection
* Elementary school children's shoes
* Pants pockets
* Barrys
* Guitar string (last one left from the 2011 collection)
* Directions to other pawn shops


Gary's - 375 Tiso Blvd., Kaynesport

February 5, 2012

Services

Laundry detergent taste-tester for hire


Call for rates and availability
Stephen 555-3771

Meetings

Friends of Calvin Hernandez
February meeting

On the agenda:

* The roller hockey loss to the Friends of Harold Jamison and what a 3-9 season means
* Calvin's gym membership is expiring soon
* Who is taking Calvin's mother to her nail appointment February 22?
* Where we can spend our Calvin Bucks/where we can't


February 7, 7:30 p.m. at Gwen's house - 308 Jasper Street, Rondale

February 4, 2012

For sale

Used books


Love In The Time Of Wood Paneled Station Wagons - Morris Pueblo
Staircases For Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing
To Be Engaged To Be Married To A Mockingbird - Francis Winfield
An Arm Pit To Fall In Love With - Ulises Mandlin


$4 each
Beth 555-2918

February 3, 2012

For sale

Highway




We adopted a portion of Route 47 a few years ago and it just hasn't worked out like we had planned. Maybe all it needs is a fresh start with a new family.


Adoption price: $26


Debbie and Mel 555-9123


*Interesting trades considered*

February 2, 2012

For sale

Used video games


Retirement Home: Visitor's Day
Busboy
Paper Football 1992
Honey, I Mailed The Kids: The Video Game
Fireanthillbusters 2
Prison Cafeteria Live


$5 each
Greg 555-0081

February 1, 2012

For rent

Pillow



* Close proximity to mud road 7
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Pillow Fight: Final Challenge


$3/half hour
Ayanna 555-8711