December 31, 2011

Services

Need to knock on a door?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2011

For sale

VHS movies


The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera



$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

December 29, 2011

Meetings

Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting


Items to discuss:

* Penalty flags are not edible no matter how long you grill them
* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following were called in 2011 and are not penalties: "illegal nose on the face" and "too many blades of grass on the field"


December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

December 28, 2011

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!


$8
Chuck 555-7791


* Hurry, Trevor is interested

Events

Meet Barry!



January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7.

* Barry will be splashing water on children, kicking mud at the elderly and autographing 8 1/2-11 photographs *

December 26, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged.



Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages.


Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items

* Tree

- Bottom right corner currently on fire, but it should be out soon

* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVDs

Videos

- Do They Know It's Actually Almost Valentine's Day At All?
- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Lil' Pipsqueak


Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

December 25, 2011

Events

It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5


Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"


December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

December 24, 2011

For sale

Driveway

* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's


$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

December 23, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar


January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

December 22, 2011

For sale

Bag

* Once held celery
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary There's A Bag On Jerry's Head


$1.50
Claire & Jerry 555-6117

For sale

Documentaries on DVD


* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* Why is that Man Screaming at that Oak Tree?
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace


$6 each
Giovante 555-2000

December 21, 2011

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1
* Dishwashing Detergent Drinking Contest: All-Stars


$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

December 20, 2011

Item found

Snowman















We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.


* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


555-9188

December 19, 2011

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting


Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston


December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

December 18, 2011

For sale

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered


Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

December 17, 2011

For rent

Used protest signs


"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"


Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

December 16, 2011

For sale

Christmas lights




- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately


$25
Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread




$70
Dante 555-8810

December 15, 2011

Meetings

Soup Shack
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency


December 17, 10:00 a.m.

December 14, 2011

For sale

Green beans




$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182


** Hurry, Barry is interested **

December 13, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting


On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed


December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* America's Got Cold Sores - Final season
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1


$10 each
Vanessa 555-3425

December 12, 2011

Events

The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012

"byOs: bring your OWN socks."


Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* Pinching Christopher
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest

Food:

* Yes


For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673

December 11, 2011

Services

Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."


* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)


Pete 555-5733

December 10, 2011

For rent

Sock



* White
* One hole (right big toe)
* Starred in the award-winning, 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad


$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117

December 9, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting


On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- Whoever has been stealing door knobs, please come clean
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers


December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2011

Casting call

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof


* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini


** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **


Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

December 7, 2011

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029


Let's make a me sandwich. You bring a sorority sister or two, I'll bring the giant onions.

Moe box 72346


Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117


Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906


I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700


OTHER


Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

December 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement



Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

December 5, 2011

Apartment for rent



1/3 STUDIO
1 BATHROOM MIRROR
1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator


$105/month
Reggie 555-7363

December 4, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

December 3, 2011

Personal ad



SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs


Cliff box 10277

For sale

Sneaker

* White w/barbecue sauce stains
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives


$4
Bernie 555-9117

December 2, 2011

Services

Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 1, 2011

Meetings

Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley


December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house

Special offer

Volume 5 of the Idiot's Guide books are now available!

You'll get:

* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb

and more!


** Order now and receive Belt free **


Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391