November 30, 2011

For sale

Thanksgiving turkey pieces



* Rare *


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8811

November 29, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Wants To Throw Slices of Cheese at a Millionaire? - Season 3
* Bus Boys: Detroit
* Worm Shop - Final season
* How Much Change is in Harold's Couch?! - Reunion special
* Grandpa Swap - Season 2 (w/deleted scenes)


$5 each
Raqwon  555-3966

Events

Winter 2011 additions to event calendar at Blast! Cola Arena

December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses
December 29 - Countdown to New Years

2012 Concert Series

January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Innocent Until Proven Funky
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Forehead


For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office

November 28, 2011

Services

Courier service

"I'll transport anything."

* Ant farms
* Goldfish bowls (with or without goldfish)
* Elderly men named Lester
* Houseplants
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four at a time)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:

- Sneezes
- Air
- Sunflower seed shells


Steve 555-7174

November 27, 2011

Services

Need some turkey eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 26, 2011

For sale

Vinyl record singles


* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Five Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band
* I Want To Sand Your Hand - Behind the Refrigerator


$5 each
Buck 555-4393

November 25, 2011

For sale

Mustache

* Brown
* Perfect for the mustache collector in your life
* Free with purchase: coupon for $1 off mustache comb


$6
Ike 555-7334

November 24, 2011

Services

Need help naming your ice cubes?

Tired of the names Joe Maglio always gives them?


Vince Maglio  555-9995

November 23, 2011

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Winter '11 meeting


Items to discuss:

* Our fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* The lost and found is not for chewed gun found under the stairs
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4


November 25, 4:00 p.m.

November 22, 2011

Missing

Hot dog


[Photo taken November 18]

* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered


Gail and Marty 555-7882

November 21, 2011

Events

Semi-pro competitive eating
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule

* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *

November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest


To register call 555-2291

November 20, 2011

For sale

Leftovers

Lots of items for sale:

* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* 1/2 apple (some browning, but still good)
* Tupperware of expired mayonnaise

Sunday specials available for a limited time:

- One slice of white bread
- Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)


(side view, taken November 18, 2011)


Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177

November 19, 2011

For sale

Toothbrush

* Used less than 25 times
* Free toothpaste with purchase
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Brush My Teeth! - All Stars


$8
Trevon  555-1922

* Hurry, Leon is interested *

For sale

Artichoke juice



* Just wheelbarrowed in from down the street
* Well-known aphrodisiac


$4/gallon or $.75 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

November 18, 2011

Services

Need a pencil sharpened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

** Must provide pencil sharpener **

Meetings

Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting


On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the cinnamon bun


November 21, 1:00 p.m.

November 17, 2011

November 16, 2011

Opportunities

I built a hot dog bun boat and I'm going to sail around the world. If interested, give me a call.

(Ladies only)


Jeremy  555-3049

For sale

Bottle of water

* About 2/3 full
* Used during November 15 elevator ride


$4
Jan 555-8186

November 15, 2011

Meetings

Clock Watcher's Society - Ernie County chapter
November meeting


Items to discuss:

* What we liked/didn't like about 10:15 a.m. last Friday
* The cartoon pilot for Daylight Savings Time did not get picked up
* When is it going to be 4:00 p.m. again?


November 16 at headquarters

For sale

Bulk acorns

* Brown
* Interesting trades for tree branches considered


$.20 each or 10 for $2
Ned 555-4499

November 14, 2011

Events

The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony is scheduled for November 19!

* 2011 HOF inductees

- Player's wing: Pete "Pinches" Jamison
- Mascot wing: Noodles
- Special contribution award: coleslaw vendor Boris Parks

* Season-in-review

- Special video presentation: "Together, We Can Move An Ant Hill - The Story of the 2011 Shimples Champion Kaynesport Ceilingsquirrels"
- Awards show:

* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Most irritating child
* Longest pinch
* Furthest parking space from door
* Largest forehead
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Not invited next year


Come join us Saturday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Plumptin Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE plumptin

Help wanted

Someone put the flag up on my mailbox. It could've happened any time between November 11th and November 13th, but I need to find out who did this.

* Mailbox flag is black
* Reward junk mail offered


Marcus 555-3221

November 13, 2011

Announcements

Vote Morris/Fanny '12
Campaign updates

Get on board with the candidate who:

- Voted to abolish all sidewalks
- Owns three goldfish
- Led the 2002 Klepitch County wheelbarrow boycotts
- Won 'best eyes' in his high school yearbook

January, 2012 debate schedule

* 1/6 - "The existence of eyebrows on dolphins"
* 1/13 - "Who said that?"
* 1/20 - "I shouldn't have agreed to this debate"

Our "throw things at the candidate" series is back!

* March 3, East Plumptin Hall - peanut shells
* March 25, Derwood Manor - kitchen appliances
* April 17, Kaynesport Amphitheater - elementary school children
* May 5, Piso Hall - cough drops
* June 10, Feathers Village - heads of lettuce

Get involved!

We still need volunteers to help with:

* Collecting socks door-to-door
* Soak the Umbrellaless (February 3-5, 2012)
* County-by-county help to sing the election night results next November


For more details, contact campaign manager Robert Merwood 555-2323

November 12, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"


* Fear of singing marshmallows
* Excessive murmuring
* "I make pounds of pasta and pour it into the bathtub"
* The voices inside your car's gas tank
* Fire extinguisher tattoo regret
* Dolphinpantsphobia (fear of a clothed dolphin)
* Over-nodding


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8118

For sale

Wristwatch

* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?


$15
Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2011

Job Board

Employment opportunities for November 12-18


- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Death of a Salesman's Camaro November 19 from 1:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m.

Piso PH - 230 Venton Blvd., East Kaynesport

- Brillo pad taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985

- Delivery boy needed
* Must own wheelbarrow *
555-4029

- The Chicken Hut - Store #44
Now hiring:

* Assistant manager in charge of disappointed head shakes

http://chickenhut.com/positions

- Toothpaste-eating contest judges needed
* Semipro competitive eating 555-4661

- Goldfish funeral director
* Start immediately * 555-1199

November 10, 2011

Openings

Big Barry's Buffet
Grand opening!



Exotic menu items:

* Beef knuckles of Jim Bradley
* Yellow stuff in yellow sauce
* Big pot of ears
* Boiled water cup/bowl (seasonal)


Specials deals available:

- New Barry's t-shirts (made of 100% penguin):

"I took a dip in the applesauce pool!"
"Someone pointed me to the restroom at Big Barry's Buffet"

- Hamburger bun free with purchase of hamburger
- Our brand-new Napkins of the World exhibit opens December 7


Big Barry's - 325 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

November 9, 2011

Services

Need a can of soda opened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995


* Now opening water bottles *

Events

The first annual Grandpa Games will be held at the Kaynesport Amphitheater, December 2-3.

Schedule of events:

10:30 a.m. - Coughing - preliminaries
11:45 p.m. - Gas (long program)
2:30 p.m. - Napping - preliminaries
4:45 p.m. - Grandkid 1600 meter carry - finals
5:50 p.m. - Coughing gold medal match
7:30 p.m. - Crossword puzzle "across" - finals
8:30 p.m. - Experimental event: Who has your nose?
9:15 p.m. - Napping - finals
December 3, 6:00 a.m. - Closing ceremonies


For tickets call 555-6772

November 8, 2011

Services

Dance lessons available

I provide instruction for dozens of dances, including:

* "The Barry"
* Cat chasing its tail
* The Ear Pull
* "Squirrel toss assembly line"
* Raking leaves
* The sassy goldfish
* "Did I put on deodorant?"
* The all-the-air-you-can-grab contest


Call for pricing list
Pierre 555-4422

November 7, 2011

For sale

Lamp shade novelty gifts

Get your shade filled with:

* Sunflower seeds and/or peanut shells
* Sawdust
* Photographs of water fountains
* Dandruff
* Paper clips
* Ice cubes
* Ants
* Smaller lamp shades


Call for pricing list
Shane's Shades 555-7742

November 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement



No one ever thinks about shopping cart suicide until it happens near your parking lot.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

November 5, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Animal Hospital
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

- When people board their cats, please do not allow them to sneak a toddler into the cage
- Please refrain from packaging and selling clipped dog nails
- We do not have a drive thru


November 7, 9:30 a.m.

For sale

VHS


A Child Called "Shampoo"
Six Sunflower Seeds of Separation
The Greatest Sesame Seed Bagel Ever Sold


Home movies:

* Grandma Josephine's "No Wig, No Pants, No Problem" song/dance (Christmas, 1992)
* Family Pine Cone Fight w/ambulance flat tire bonus footage (January, 1996)


$3 each
Gwen 555-6681

November 4, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Leopards semi-pro basketball
Additions to 2011-2012 promotional calendar

November 17: Car Door Night
November 28: Throw sunflower seeds at the referees during pre-game warm ups (1st 2,000 fans 10-under)
December 20: Pick on the assistant coach's son
January 8: Packing Tape Day
January 11: Stick of butter (1st 5,000 fans)


Call 555-LEOP for tickets

November 3, 2011

Letter from the editor



Just a reminder: the hot dog bun-eating contest has been rescheduled for December 7. If you have any interest in being a celebrity judge, please fill out an application indicating involvement in any national mud sculpture contests in the 1980s.

Also, please stop mailing leaves and old light bulbs; the contest ended in September.


- Derwood Morris

For sale

Post-Halloween clearance sale


* Pumpkin mush - $.50/ounce
* Pillow cases - 3 for $5
* Mailbox flag - $1
* "Captain Lettuce" costume (w/out acorn gun) - $10
* Elementary school children (prices may vary)


Lance & Maryanne 555-3321

November 2, 2011

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Fall meeting


Books to discuss:

* Championship Prison Flag Football Teams - Ed. Pauline Braswell
* Essays on Toast - Mark Benjamin
* An Illustrated History of Napkin-Eating Contests - Chocolate House Publishing


November 3, 4:00 p.m. at the Woodlin Trace Apt. complex gazebo #6

November 1, 2011

For sale

Used Halloween costumes


* The Ticker Taker of the Opera (w/replica rubber theater ticket)
* Peanut Butter Face
* Mailman-in-training Dale Levenstein
* Colonel Salami (w/rare 1970s hoagie roll forearm guards)
* The Pincher


$7 each
Iris 555-3227