August 31, 2011

Public Service Announcement



Help prevent young apples from turning to a life on the streets.


C.O.R.E.
Call 555-4041 to find out how you can help

August 30, 2011

Opportunities

Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!


* Understanding Ice Cubes

- Naming your ice cubes
- Ice Cube War of 1983

* History of the Sneaker

- Pre-requisite: History of the Sock

* Survey: Guys Named Ernie

- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl

* Intro to Elevators & Escalators

* Where's the Bookstore?

- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?



Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391

August 29, 2011

For sale

Empty soda can

* Recently-emptied
* Tab sold separately 

$3
Marty  555-9223

For sale

Donnie Samples autographed paper plate




* Rare
* Comes with soy sauce stain


$250
Beverly 555-2987

August 28, 2011

For sale

Bulk bumper stickers

Hundreds in stock, including:

- "How's My Silverware Tossing? 555-7223"
- "Real Men Love Eggplant"
- "Guns Don't Kill People, Eating Too Many Brillo Pads Kills People"
- "My Child Left Her Mittens At Hawthorne Elementary"


Price list available upon request
555-4400

Services

Band aid removal service


$6/band aid
Ronald 555-9771

August 27, 2011

Meetings

PleasePay Groceries - Store #113
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* What's the code for parsley?
* The customers are not allowed to trade infant children for dairy products
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards


August 29, 9:00 a.m.

August 26, 2011

Home for rent



1/8 BR
1 WALL

* Front door installed May, 2011 *

- Bathroom just a two-minute drive
- Close proximity to mud pit 6
- Used in the filming of the 2008 reality TV show Who Wants to Marry a Raccoon?


$93/month
Ben & Nadine 555-6196

August 25, 2011

For sale

Mouthpiece



* Orange
* Used only four times by only two people
* Appeared on the hit reality TV show Laundry Detergent Drinking Contest: All Stars


$1 or best offer
Hank 555-7888

For sale

Napkin clearance

Everything must go!


* New and used
* Many colors available


Call for pricing list
Vincent 555-4515

August 24, 2011

For sale

Bulk egg shells



* Perfect for that special someone *


Call for pricing list
Mel's Shells 555-8177

August 23, 2011

Services

Need to coax an old woman down from a telephone poll?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

DVD movies


Catch Chicken Pox If You Can
The Return of the Mud People
My Best Friend's Shedding
Desperately Seeking Deodorant
Windshield Wipers of a Salesman



$5 each
Jill 555-9772

August 22, 2011

For hire

Hit man

"I can be very persuasive."


Now offering:

* Slaps
* Aggressive tickling
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Pinches
* Sunflower seed pummelings


Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371

August 21, 2011

Meetings

Taco Palace
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Put on your work pants after your belt
* At the end of the birthday song, we do not repeat the phrase "I hate you and your family"
* The front pocket of the a customer's pants is not a taco shell


August 22, 9:00 a.m.

August 20, 2011

For sale

Tap water clearance sale

Every drop must go!


Call for pricing list
Mary 555-7781

August 19, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* "The floor keeps pointing up at me and laughing"
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* Drainiaphobia (fear of dropping your phobia into an open sewer)
* "I make split pea soup and pour it in my wool hat"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City


Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791

August 18, 2011

Meetings

Piso Street bus station - Monday, August 22, 9:00 a.m. pick up
Passenger meeting


Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store


* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *

August 17, 2011

For rent

Green sandal



* Right
* Hole in heel (*RARE*)


$7/hour
Curt 555-7619

August 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2


$10 each
Paige 555-2199

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
Late-summer meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen


August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo

August 15, 2011

Casting call

The Derwood Theater Group is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Slippers for Josephine.


* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Olin the talking ice cube tray of hope


** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **


Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin

August 14, 2011

For sale

Lizard




Lyle
Age: 4

Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.

- Light-brown at night


$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119

August 13, 2011

Huge yearbook sale!

Everything must go!

Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover with Sally Timmons autograph)
- 1990-1991

Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)


$25 each
Gary 555-7606

August 12, 2011

Events

Upcoming events at the brand-new Plumptin Arena:

August 20 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 7 - Checkbook Keepers
September 19 - Shouting at Kevin Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K


Get your tickets today!

Box office: 555-8177

August 11, 2011

August 10, 2011

Announcements

The 6th annual Kaynesport Lettuce Toss will be held October 2-3 at the Feathers Fairgrounds.

Call 555-4291 to register.


Past Lettuce Toss champions:

2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing penguins)
2006 - Noodles Tiso

Services

Need a life-size sculpture of Joe Maglio?

* Dozens in stock
* Free piece of chewing gum with purchase


Lou Maglio  555-8885

August 9, 2011

Letter from the editor






- Derwood Morris

August 8, 2011

For sale

Strawberry pieces




* $2 each or $7 for all four
* Bowl sold separately


Connie
555-5747

Services

Handy man for hire


I can handle a wide variety of odd jobs, including:

* Directions to your mailbox
* Introducing crayons to other crayons
* Giving your toothbrush the right name
* "I can fit an an entire cantaloupe in my mouth"
* Leaf eating contest judge
* Gluing things to infants
* 50 other uses for mashed potatoes


Call for rates and availability
Steve 555-8818

August 7, 2011

Meetings

Plumptin Pythons semi pro football
Pre-season team meeting


On the agenda:

* A nose tackle does not tackle people and pick their noses, despite what former coach Ron Jackson may have said
* Why only in practice do we get three points for throwing the ball between the uprights
* Shoulder pads are not edible no matter how much honey mustard you put on them


August 8, 2:00 p.m. at the field house

August 6, 2011

For sale

$10 bill

* Received in change at Beefy's Fast Food Hut, Store #117 (August 4)
* According to legend, once belonged to Lyle Vernon lookalike Kyle Ferman
* Free ketchup packet with purchase


$20 or best offer
Zach 555-3491

August 5, 2011

Meetings

Jelsen's Used Cars
Sales staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The customers are not allowed to buy just the bumper
* Please stop accepting band aids with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The steering wheel is not optional


August 7, 11:00 a.m.

August 4, 2011

Announcements

Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to 2011 promotional calendar


August 21 - Toss Lettuce into the Bullpen Night
August 30 - Bring Your Ostrich to the Ballpark
September 12 - Stapler Day
September 13 - Pick on the Owner's Son
September 26 - Peanut Shell Night


Call 555-DRUN for tickets

August 3, 2011

Services

Furm, Ledner & Kappola
Law Offices

"Putting the 'aw' and 'fic' back in 'law offices since 1996."


Specializing in:

* Anthillnapping
* Felony hand shake-and-run
* Following too closely to a pigeon while juggling bars of soap
* Impersonating a police radar detector
* S.U.I. (Shlubbering under the influence)
* Receiving stolen eggplant
* Shouting profanity at a box of cereal while wearing a kangaroo costume
* Resisting a wrench


Call for rates and availability
555-0018

August 2, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Hippos 35-under fall baseball
Final roster is set


* Returning player

1. Solomon Beverly
2. Johnny Puddles*
3. Oscar Phillipe
4. Kenny Rico
5. Jesper Ku
6. Morris Felix*
7. Ernie Christmas*
8. Mookie Paddock Jr.
9. Jasper Ku
10. Dane Cornish*
11. Pastrami Reynolds*
12. Pinky Toe Pippin
13. Peanuts Martinez*
14. Noodles Corcoran


First practice: August 5, 1:00 p.m. at field 6

August 1, 2011

Services

Nick Bergeron
Psychiatrist for hire


* Embellishing janitorial work
* Fear of exploding arm pits
* Shampoo bottle tattoo regret
* Excessive air trumpeting
* Hoarding tape dispensers
* Fear of drawings of snakes


Call for hourly rates
555-1316