July 31, 2011

For sale

VHS

Sports videos

* Basketball's Greatest Tip-Offs
* 1994 World Series of Pointing: Official Video
* The Oral History of Competitive Sneezing


Concerts

* Peggy Cliff: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like January (Live at Kaphauf Amphitheater, 12/18/97)
* Ernie & Julio Sing the Newspaper Police Blotter (Live at Freddy's Burger Shack, 4/5/1987)
* Mayonnaise Pool Live in Concert (date unknown)


Call for pricing list
Angela 555-2611

July 30, 2011

Meetings

A4 Cab Service
Driver's meeting


On the agenda:

* Customers are not allowed to pay in candy bar wrappers
* What not to sell out of the window at stoplights
* A dead goldfish is not an air freshener


August 1, 1:00 p.m.

July 29, 2011

Announcements

Glub County Wildcats youth baseball
Team banquet update

Awards to be given out:

- Worst swing
- Infield fall down award
- Most awkward older sister
- Worst breath

Items added to silent auction:

- Coach Martin's uneaten ham sandwich from rain delay April 16
- Baseball autographed by Ben's grandpa, Lewis
- Set of 25 sunflower seed shells


Banquet: July 30, 7:00 p.m. at Delwood Ballroom, Kaynesport

July 28, 2011

Meetings

Soup Palace - Store #39
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Customers are not allowed to pay by the noodle
* No matter how often it is requested, pigeon feet soup is not a menu item
* Having the customers do a certain number of push ups to receive a napkin wasn't on the training video


July 31, 1:00 p.m.

July 27, 2011

For sale

Tree branches

* Over 300 available in all shapes and sizes
* Buy five branches get one leaf free (limited time)


Call for pricing list
Dale  555-0440

July 26, 2011

Announcements

The Plumptin 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!

Final cut list:
* returning player

1. *Wilson Fu
2. Elijah Baines
3. *Peeps Rafeky
4. *Daylight Banneker
5. Niles Andujar
6. *Weston Fu
7. Ronaldo Salazar
8. Chin Charles
9. *Morris Rainbow
10. Rooster Zepp
11. *Peakis Fishbine
12. Doo Darlington
13. Little Toes McAllister
14. *Yoyo Salazar


First practice: September 5, 6:00 p.m. at field 9

July 25, 2011

For sale

Documentary films


* Waiter, There's a Chipmunk in my Soup! - The Closing of Gafreda's Lunch Stop
* Christmas, 2005: Uncle Horace's "I don't care (about my underwear)" song and dance and jog
* Venable Family Mashed Potato Fight 2 (includes extended scenes with police/mailman)
* Finding Brenda's Hair Clip


DVDs - $15 each
Alan 555-9970

Services

Need a pool swam in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

July 24, 2011

Meetings

Hipolito's Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The crayon-in-the-nose dance at the hostess stand was not a part of the training video
* Please stop accepting banana peels as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "first class jerk"


July 25, 9:00 a.m.

July 23, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

* The voices inside your soup
* "I make guacamole and pour it in my ski boots"
* Nunciaphobia (fear of mis-pronouncing your phobia)
* Over-winking
* Excessive air clarinet
* The couch is talking about me behind my back


Call for rates and availability
Nancy 555-0330

July 22, 2011

Sayings for sale

Some of my most-used sayings for sale at discounted prices.


"I'll butter my own helmet, thank you"
"You can't take a hippo to a gun fight"
"A pelican for your thoughts?"
"You going to eat that napkin?"
"Whatever happens in the tissue stays in the tissue"


Call for pricing list
Kent 555-3301

July 21, 2011

Meetings

Envelope Enthusiasts
July meeting


Items to discuss:

* Mashed potatoes don't travel well in envelopes
* Club president Mary McGuire: "I think we've run out of things to talk about" (11:30 a.m. -12:30 a.m., small cubes of bread served)


July 22, 10:30 a.m.

July 20, 2011

Public Service Announcement




Vote "Yes" on Prop 17 - February 1


Other prop bills

Prop 410 - End Steering Wheel Drumming

Prop 114 - Wearing a Rain Coat & Galoshes into the Shower

Prop 550 - Salamander Rights

Prop 89 Amendment - The Legality of Shampoo on Hot Dogs

July 19, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Who Won't Bathe?! - Season 1
* Rubber Band Eating Contest - All Stars
* Who Wants to Glue Things to a Millionaire? - Season 4
* Watch Me Drink Puddle Water - Season 2


$8 each
India 555-6781

July 18, 2011

Opportunities




You want to go to the moon?

I've built a spaceship and I'm going to the moon.

If you want to go with me to the moon, come to a pre-flight meeting at my house, October 24 at 8:00 p.m. (Ladies only)


Jeremy 555-3049

July 17, 2011

For sale

Candy wrapper collection


* Over 370 wrappers *


$175 or best offer
Sandra 555-2118

July 16, 2011

Police report



Ernie Gorn
Age: 24

July 15: Mr. Gorn was arrested at a Drunville Blastos baseball game for refusing to remove his hippopotamus costume during the national anthem.


Previous arrests:


June 11, 2004: Arrested for providing false information. Mr. Gorn claimed he was a Costa Rican iguana named Julio and that the only way to properly clean a carpet is with soy sauce.

November 5, 2000: Taken into police custody for attempting to eat a mailbox, which is a class-B felony in Plumptin County.

May 26, 1998
: Attempted Canary 1.



Gorn, Ernie
Bail: $11

July 15, 2011

For sale

Animal hair collection

* Cat, dog or bird feathers
* Also available: goldfish pieces, ants


Let's find the plan that's right for you.


Call for pricing list
Kerwin 555-4008

July 14, 2011

Comic

Services

Gravel/concrete taste-tester for hire


Call for rates and availability
Roger  555-0330

July 13, 2011

For sale

Yard signs


- "Beware of Driveway"
- "It's a Bo !"
- "More Signs Inside"
- "Daughter for Sale"
- "Yarn Sell Today"
- "Carlson-Wheatley Goldfish Wedding, Today, 2:00 p.m."


$4 each
Kent 555-4484

July 12, 2011

For sale

Sawdust-filled envelopes

* Perfect for that special someone *


Call for pricing list
Maurice 555-1291

July 11, 2011

Services

Need a can of cola finished?


Maurice Jahglio 555-9995

For sale

1/2 pancake

* Comes with about 3 ounces of syrup
* Used in the recent filming of the hit reality TV show Does Grandpa Have To Eat With Us?
* One paper towel free with purchase


$3
Dale  555-7781

July 10, 2011

For sale

Ice cube clearance sale

Everything must go!


$.03 each or 10 for $.25


Elroy 555-9921

July 9, 2011

For sale

Used books


Idiot's Guide to the Tissue
The Girl with the Toilet Brush Tattoo
Sidewalks for Dummies
A Child Called "Sandpaper"



$3 each
Samantha 555-4404

July 8, 2011

Services

Non-animal taxidermist for hire

Services available:

* Moldy bread loaves
* Dwayne foot
* Broken kitchen appliances
* Rotten fruit
* Barry ear
* Lamp shades
* Brown heads of lettuce
* Water bottles


Call for pricing list
Arthur 555-3339

Openings

Dogter's orifice opening!


* Feeber and dry mouse
* Forskid remove
* Skinhead failure
* Rug testing
* Pulled hamstering
* Pope's naval drift
* Deafs


Free cancellation or a muddy back.

555-3475

July 7, 2011

For sale

Envelope

* White
* Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary Something Died In The Mailbox
* Interesting trades for peanut shells considered


$6
Harold 555-8112

For sale

Potato




* Half-eaten *


$6
Whitney 555-0081

July 6, 2011

Job Board

Employment opportunities for the week of July 6-12


* Feathers Playhouse
- Auditions for Bathroom Attendant of the Opera are scheduled for July 9 1:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m.

* Typewriter keys-eating contest: judges needed
- Semipro competitive eating 555-4661

* Analyzing forehead perspiration futures
- Plumptin Stock Exchange 555-7191

Chad's Chickens - Store #46
Now hiring:

- Lettuce sympathizer
- VP, disappointed looks

555-2210


OTHER OPPORTUNITIES

* Donations needed:

- Blinks
- Tree bark/tree bark pieces
- One piece of notebook paper

Donation Center East - 467 Natiel Ave., Plumptin

July 5, 2011

For Sale

Corn husks




* Rare *


$1 each or $3 for all five
Keondre 555-8391

July 4, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Won't Suffocate?! - Season 2
* America's Got Nose Bleeds - Final season
* Goldfish Swap - Season 4 (with deleted scenes)
* Does Your Grandpa Have To Be Here? - Season 1


$6 each
Veronica 555-7661

July 3, 2011

For sale

Bandaid collection

* 270 total bandaids
* Ken Paddock autographed bandaid sold separately


$125 or best offer
Katrina Paddock 555-7725

New Bobby T-Shirts™




W, XW, CMS, XCMS, BUL, XBUL
$15 each

email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

July 2, 2011

Meetings

Julio's Mexican Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The tortilla face joke at the hostess stand is no longer funny
* Please stop accepting firewood as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "ugly, stupid loser"


July 3, 11:00 a.m.

July 1, 2011

For sale

Bag of noses

* Mostly human, but some mouse, dog available
* Interesting trades for ears considered
* Bag is yellow


Call for pricing list
Kenny 555-3919