June 30, 2011

Advertisements

Make yourself muddy trading stunks and Bobs on Waldo Street. The lady will lusts re-seeding your airline as you crime the cornbread ladder.

Call for free blowtorch.


555-3355

June 29, 2011

For sale

Carrots

* Six available
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Salad Buffet


$1 each or all six for $5
Diane  555-3229

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #73
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The hamburger bun pummeling of cashier Don Lawrence
* We can no longer accept couch cushions as currency
* There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax


June 30, 1:00 p.m.

June 28, 2011

Events

The Derweezo Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Brand-new freaks, including:

* The bearded man
* The goldfish with no eyebrows
* The pine cone that can't speak
* The right-handed girl
* The boy who delivers newspapers to squirrels
* The brown-haired woman
* The raccoon with no knees
* The man who every Tuesday bakes a lasagna for his living room couch
* The unused napkin


Derweezo Circus
555-3449 for tickets

June 27, 2011

For sale

Sandal



* Orange
* Near-mint condition


$6
Reggie 555-7363

June 26, 2011

Services

Need cars sat in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Bulk fortune cookie messages

Top sellers:

"You will find happiness with a new head of lettuce"
"Your wife put one of the soy sauce dishes in her purse. We watched her do it"
"I hope you didn't order the shrimp fried rice"
"____________________"
"You will be approached by a hysterical armadillo"
"That guy at your table ate everything, didn't even realize there was a piece of paper in the cookie"
"You have a low mein noodle in your hair"
"A new fortune cookie awaits you"


Call for pricing list
555-4102

June 25, 2011

For sale

 3/4 of a cucumber


















* Green
* Plenty of character and perfect for the cucumber lover in your life
* Interesting trades for salad forks considered


$3
Valerie  555-6399

Services

Valet for hire at Kaynesport Mall

"Whatever you arrived in/on, I'll park it."


* Wheelbarrow
* Pogo stick
* Roller blades
* Grandpa piggy-back
* Cardboard box suit
* Rhino
* Running sneakers


M-F 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
Mitch 555-2341

June 24, 2011

Birth announcement

Leroy Hanniger



We found Leroy in the produce section at 12:06 p.m., June 23. Our little bundle of joy was a ripe, seven ounces when he came tumbling out of the wooden crate, and friends and family agree: he's a beautiful light green.

His stem is short for his age and we understand he didn't fall far from the tree, but we still think our first-born could grow up to become part of a delicious pie sometime around the first of July.


- Trent and Louise, Jasper City

June 23, 2011

For sale

Corn chips

- Several dozen for sale
- Payment options available
- Interesting trades for drawings/photographs of corn chips considered


Open kitchen cabinet: June 25 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 430 Murdock Crossing, Kaynesport

Meetings

Pythons 13-under AAU basketball
Team meeting


Items to discuss:

* From now on, aunts and uncles are not allowed on the bench or to draw up plays
* Please wear your basketball shorts only below your waist



June 25, 1:00 p.m. at coach McGregor's condo

June 22, 2011

Announcements

The East Dylan 25+ baseball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut:

* Returning player

1. Burt Banneker
2. Walter Woo
3. Chipped Tooth Murphy
4. Ollie Stankiewicz*
5. Vic Pinkley
6. Lenny Noodles*
7. Paco Berroa*
8. Knuckles Machado
9. Otis Zucchini
10. Warren Woo
11. Qw'Shontay Arnold*
12. Humphrey Paddock*
13. Ewing Zebble*


** Please report to our first practice - June 25 at field 4 **

June 21, 2011

For sale

Basil
















* Gray, but with plenty of character
* Perfect for the basil lover in your life
* Interesting trades for parsley considered


$4
Hank  555-9334

For sale

Domain names


www.fireproducemanagerkelly.blogspot.com
www.ploopcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveacorneating
www.bagelfights.com/2004/abnervscorcoran
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/throwfurniturefromthetrain
www.applesiveyettofinish.wordpress.com
www.charliesivemet.com/charlieporter
www.collegesneezing.blogspot.com/fourtimenationalchampions_andreaflynn
www.thingsifindinsinks.com


$8 each
Edith 555-8008

June 20, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Taco shell tattoo regret
* Fear of talking couch cushions
* "I can't find a second use for deodorant"
* Randyphilliphobia (fear of Randy Phillips)
* Inadequacy in the stockroom
* "I make chicken noodle soup and pour it on my neighbor's front lawn"
* Fear of a clothed hippopotamus


Call for rates and availability
Janice 555-2091

June 19, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* How Much Change is in my Couch? - Final season (w/deleted scenes)
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish - Complete Series
* My Sweet 42 Party - Season 1
* Pimp My Wheelbarrow - Season 4 (w/outtakes)


$9 each
Trevon 555-6126

June 18, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Save the bananas: help us keep the peels on.




Call 555-PEEL to find out how you can help

June 17, 2011

Opportunities

Balloon Animal College is opening in downtown Kaynesport.

Classes start soon:

* Breath In, Breath In
MW 1:00 p.m.-2:15 p.m.

* Knot
TT 10:00 a.m.-11:15 a.m.

* Hippos 101
MWF 3:30 p.m.-4:45 p.m.

* Advanced Knot
W 9:45 a.m.-11:00 a.m.

* "That doesn't look like a giraffe"
SA 10:00 am-11:30 am

"That doesn't look like anything"
SA 12:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.


Registration begins June 24
BAC 555-0819

June 16, 2011

For sale

Used books


The Idiot's Guide to Epilogues - Ed. Phylis Berger
Portrait of the Box Wine as a Young Grape - Jarvis Jane
The Girl with the Toothbrush Tattoo - Elijah Tway
Windshield Wipers of a Salesman - Harold Zerner



$5 each
Terry 555-4849

June 15, 2011

For sale

Tennis ball



"Brand-new"

- Tennis Ball Price Guide editor Greg Glaus


$10
Tina 555-3010

Meetings

Flight 619
Row L meeting


June 17, 2:30 p.m. in the south parking lot by the escalator

June 14, 2011

Announcements

The envelope-eating contest has been moved to June 28 at Kaynesport Hall.

All competitors must bring their own counter/timer, be sanctioned by the E.P.N. (Eating Paper Now) and bring a drawing of a piece of lettuce.


- TBC staff

June 13, 2011

For sale

Fig
















* Some mold *


$3
Andy  555-4646

June 12, 2011

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #89
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please do not offer shampoo as a condiment
* There's no such thing as a "wearing a hat tax"
* Do not accept preschoolers as currency


June 13, 2:00 p.m.

June 11, 2011

Services

Handyman for hire


- Ice cubes 101
- Naming your breath mints
- Coleslaw pools dos and don'ts
- Introducing goldfish to other goldfish
- Shampoo drinking contest judge
- Shouting insults at moldy bread


Also available:

* I can fit an entire head of lettuce in mouth *


Jeremy 555-2880

June 10, 2011

For rent

Sunglasses
















$7/half hour

Reggie  555-7665

Services

Ryles, Salvador & Crum Law Offices

"Give us money please."


* Receiving stolen dandruff
* Y.U.I. (yawning under the influence)
* Directions to the law office
* Beating-by-cucumber
* Gerbil custody
* Leaving the scene of an enchilada


Call for rates and availability
555-4113

June 9, 2011

Meetings

Booboo's Hair Salon
Staff meeting




Items to discuss:

* Meet our new stylist/valet, Courtney
* The only place you're permitted to shampoo someone is their head
* The customers are not allowed to pay with old hair


June 10, 11:00 a.m.

June 8, 2011

For sale

Facial hair

* Mustache, chin, sideburns, eyebrows, I've got it all
* Priced by the hair


Call for pricing list
Fred 555-3232

June 7, 2011

For sale

Sock

* White
* Perfect for that special someone


$8
Kevin 555-9112

Services

Need a photograph or drawing of Joe Maglio?


Donna Maglio 555-7732

June 6, 2011

Casting Call

The Dermorris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming play, Xavier!


- Coach Rory
- Les the Talking Postage Stamp
- Dream Bernice
- Fake Limp Fred
- Octopus Boy/Octopus Boy alter-ego Carl Sanders
- Tamika the Tap-Dancing Turnip
- Danny Asparagus
- Sawdust Sam and the Termites band manager Lonnie Craig


* We're also looking for someone who can talk an old lady down from a ladder *


Auditions are June 11 from 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Dermorris - 650 Schlameel Avenue, Plumptin

June 5, 2011

Meetings

The Sandwich Hole
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting foreign exchange students as currency
* We don't make "any sandwich you want for whatever amount of change you have in your pocket"
* Envelopes are not an acceptable substitute for pita bread


June 7, 11:30 a.m.

June 4, 2011

Announcements

* Envelope Plant tour/taste tests now available
555-6112 for tickets

* My spaceship has been built and I'm flying to the roof. Those interested in joining me, space is limited. (Ladies only). Carl 555-8109

* DVD for sale: Curtain Malfunction of the Opera
Boris 555-4100

* Linda, please bring back my shampoo. I need it to wash my hair.
Marlene 555-2887

June 3, 2011

For sale

Lettuce core



* Rare *


$11
Andy 555-2338

June 2, 2011

June 1, 2011

Services

Need beds slept in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Meetings

McElroy High School yearbook staff
June meeting


On the agenda:

* “Most likely to drink a container of antifreeze” is not a senior superlative
* No student is allowed to pose for their class picture with a zoo animal
* It doesn’t matter how many pictures they send, there is no such thing as the No Pants Club


June 2, 3:30 p.m. in room 283