June 30, 2011


Make yourself muddy trading stonks and Bombs on Waldo Street. The lady will lovely to re-seating your airline as you climb the cornbread ladder.

Call for free blowtorch.


June 29, 2011

For sale


* Six available
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Salad Buffet

$1 each or all six for $5
Diane  555-3229


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #73
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The hamburger bun pummeling of cashier Don Lawrence
* We can no longer accept couch cushions as currency
* There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax

June 30, 1:00 p.m.

June 28, 2011


The Derweezo Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Brand-new freaks, including:

* The bearded man
* The goldfish with no eyebrows
* The pine cone that can't speak
* The right-handed girl
* The boy who delivers newspapers to squirrels
* The brown-haired woman
* The raccoon with no knees
* The man who every Tuesday bakes a lasagna for his living room couch
* The unused napkin

Derweezo Circus
555-3449 for tickets

June 27, 2011

For sale


* Orange
* Near-mint condition

Reggie 555-7363

June 26, 2011


Need cars sat in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Bulk fortune cookie messages

Top sellers:

"You have a low mein noodle in your hair"
"Your wife put one of the soy sauce dishes in her purse. We watched her do it"
"I hope you didn't order the shrimp fried rice"
"You will be approached by a hysterical armadillo"
"That guy at your table ate everything, didn't even realize there was a piece of paper in the cookie"
"A new fortune cookie awaits you. Next time, though"

Call for pricing list

June 25, 2011

For sale

 3/4 of a cucumber

* Green
* Perfect for the cucumber lover in your life

Valerie  555-6399


Valet for hire at Kaynesport Mall

"Whatever you arrived in/on, I'll park it."

* Wheelbarrow
* Pogo stick
* Roller blades
* Grandpa piggy-back
* Cardboard box suit
* Rhino
* Running sneakers

M-F 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
Mitch 555-2341

June 24, 2011

Birth announcement

Leroy Hanniger

We found Leroy in the produce section at 12:06 p.m., June 23. Our little bundle of joy was a ripe, seven ounces when he came tumbling out of the wooden crate, and friends and family agree: he's a beautiful light green.

His stem is short for his age and we understand he didn't fall far from the tree, but we still think our first-born could grow up to become part of a delicious pie sometime around the first of July.

- Trent and Louise, Jasper City

June 23, 2011

For sale

Corn chips

- Several dozen for sale
- Payment options available
- Interesting trades for drawings/photographs of corn chips considered

Open kitchen cabinet: June 25 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 430 Murdock Crossing, Kaynesport

June 22, 2011


The East Dylan 25+ baseball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut:

* Returning player

1. Burt Banneker
2. Walter Woo
3. Chipped Tooth Murphy
4. Ollie Stankiewicz*
5. Vic Pinkley
6. Lenny Noodles*
7. Paco Berroa*
8. Knuckles Machado
9. Otis Zucchini
10. Warren Woo
11. Qw'Shontay Arnold*
12. Humphrey Paddock*
13. Ewing Zebble*

** Please report to our first practice - June 25 at field 4 **

June 21, 2011

For sale


* Gray, but with plenty of character
* Interesting trades for parsley considered

Hank  555-9334

For sale

Domain names


$8 each
Edith 555-8008

June 20, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Taco shell tattoo regret
* Fear of talking couch cushions
* Randyphilliphobia (fear of Randy Phillips)
* Inadequacy in the stockroom
* "I make chicken noodle soup and pour it on my neighbor's front lawn"
* Fear of a clothed hippopotamus

Call for rates and availability
Janice 555-2091

June 19, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* How Much Change is in my Couch? - Final season (w/deleted scenes)
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish - Complete Series
* My Sweet 42 Party - Season 1
* Pimp My Wheelbarrow - Season 4 (w/outtakes)

$9 each
Trevon 555-6126

June 18, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Save the bananas: help us keep the peels on.

Call 555-PEEL to find out how you can help

June 17, 2011


Balloon Animal College is opening in downtown Kaynesport.

Classes start soon:

* Breath In, Breath In
MW 1:00 p.m.-2:15 p.m.

* Knot
TT 10:00 a.m.-11:15 a.m.

* Hippos 101
MWF 3:30 p.m.-4:45 p.m.

* Advanced Knot
W 9:45 a.m.-11:00 a.m.

* "That doesn't look like a giraffe"
SA 10:00 am-11:30 am

"That doesn't look like anything"
SA 12:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.

Registration begins June 24
BAC 555-0819

June 16, 2011

For sale

Used books

The Idiot's Guide to Epilogues - Ed. Phylis Berger
Portrait of the Box Wine as a Young Grape - Jarvis Jane
The Girl with the Toothbrush Tattoo - Elijah Tway
Windshield Wipers of a Salesman - Harold Zerner

$5 each
Terry 555-4849

June 15, 2011

For sale

Tennis ball


- Tennis Ball Price Guide editor Greg Glaus

Tina 555-3010


Flight 619
Row L meeting

June 17, 2:30 p.m. in the south parking lot by the escalator

June 14, 2011


The envelope-eating contest has been moved to June 28 at Kaynesport Hall.

All competitors must bring their own counter/timer, be sanctioned by the E.P.N. (Eating Paper Now).

- TBC staff

June 13, 2011

For sale


* Some mold *

Andy  555-4646

June 12, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #89
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please do not offer shampoo as a condiment
* There's no such thing as a "wearing a hat tax"
* Do not accept preschoolers as currency

June 13, 2:00 p.m.

June 11, 2011

For rent


$7/half hour

Reggie  555-7665

June 10, 2011


Ryles, Salvador & Crum Law Offices

"Give us money please."

* Receiving stolen dandruff
* Y.U.I. (yawning under the influence)
* Directions to the law office
* Beating-by-cucumber
* Gerbil custody
* Leaving the scene of an enchilada

Call for rates and availability

June 9, 2011


Handyman for hire

- Ice cubes 101
- Naming your breath mints
- Coleslaw pools dos and don'ts
- Introducing goldfish to other goldfish
- Shampoo drinking contest judge
- Shouting insults at moldy bread

Also available:

* I can fit an entire head of lettuce in mouth *

Jeremy 555-2880


Booboo's Hair Salon
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Meet our new stylist/valet, Courtney
* The only place you're permitted to shampoo someone is their head
* The customers are not allowed to pay with old hair

June 10, 11:00 a.m.

June 8, 2011

For sale

Facial hair

* Mustache, chin, sideburns, eyebrows, I've got it all
* Priced by the hair

Call for pricing list
Fred 555-3232

June 7, 2011

For sale


* White
* Perfect for that special someone

Kevin 555-9112


Need a photograph or drawing of Joe Maglio?

Donna Maglio 555-7732

June 6, 2011

Casting Call

The Dermorris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming play, Xavier!

- Coach Rory
- Les the Talking Postage Stamp
- Dream Bernice
- Fake Limp Fred
- Octopus Boy/Octopus Boy alter-ego Carl Sanders
- Tamika the Tap-Dancing Turnip
- Danny Asparagus
- Sawdust Sam and the Termites band manager Lonnie Craig

* We're also looking for someone who can talk an old lady down from a ladder *

Auditions are June 11 from 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Dermorris - 650 Schlameel Avenue, Plumptin

June 5, 2011


The Sandwich Hole
Emergency staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We don't make "any sandwich you want for whatever amount of change you have in your pocket"
* Envelopes are not an acceptable substitute for pita bread

June 7, 11:30 a.m.

June 4, 2011


* Envelope Plant tour/taste tests now available
555-6112 for tickets

* My spaceship has been built and I'm taking it out for the first time. Those interested in joining me, space is limited. (Ladies only). Carl 555-8109

* DVD for sale: Curtain Malfunction of the Opera
Boris 555-4100

* Linda, please bring back my towel. I need it to dry myself.
Marlene 555-2887

June 3, 2011

For sale

Lettuce core

* Rare *

Andy 555-2338

June 2, 2011

June 1, 2011


Need beds slept in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995


McElroy High School yearbook staff
June meeting

On the agenda:

* “Most likely to drink a container of antifreeze” is not a senior superlative
* No student is allowed to pose for their class picture with a zoo animal
* It doesn’t matter how many pictures they send, there is no such thing as the No Pants Club

June 2, 3:30 p.m. in room 283