May 31, 2011

Services

I still take pride in delivering milk door-to-door. Let me come by, you can take a look at my supply and see what milk is right for you.

Plenty of delivery options:

* By-the-carton
* In a sneaker
* Frozen milk cubes (NEW!)
* Already in a bowl with the cereal of your choice (spoon not included)

Also available:

- Video tutorial: How to make chocolate milk
- Milk hose for your child's birthday parties
- Tours of my van (ladies only)


Call for rates and availability
Brandon 555-3301

May 30, 2011

For sale

Reality TV series on DVD


* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Reunion show special
* Who Wants To Marry My Mom? - Season 3
* Make Me A Pick Pocket - Complete series
* Pimp My Linen Closet - Season 6


$8 each
Vanessa 555-3425

For sale

Grandpa Vernon's birthday cake



* Chocolate with plenty of melted candle wax available for a separate price
* Sat on by Grandpa Vernon


$5
Belinda 555-1181

May 29, 2011

For rent

Toothpaste

* about 1/3 of a tube left


$.75/minute
Heidi 555-7112

May 28, 2011

Bobby t-shirts




* 100% t-shirt *


$12
derwoodmorris@gmail.com

May 27, 2011

Meetings

Fishbine City Jaguars 18+ swim team
Pre-summer meeting

On the agenda:

* No jeans in the pool
* Why the wheelbarrow of mashed potatoes dumped into the pool joke is no longer funny
* Horse play should not be taken literally


May 28, 1:00 p.m.

May 26, 2011

For sale

Slice of pizza



* Sausage
* Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary What's In My Couch?
* Crust from two other pieces free with purchase


$3 or best offer
Ralph 555-5641

Job Board

Kaynesport West Annex job opportunities


- Analyzing puddle water futures

Kaynesport Stock Exchange 555-6112


- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Mister, Can You Spare A Penguin? June 4, 1:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
* Looking for volunteers to help us talk an old man out of an air vent

Piso Playhouse: 230 Venton Blvd., E. Kaynesport


- Need teachers for the following adult education courses

* Am I Enrolled In This Class? MON/WED 7:00 p.m.
* Spitting Sunflower Seeds WED 8:00 p.m.
* Napkins 101 SAT 4:00 p.m.


Murray College 555-2110

May 25, 2011

For sale

Vet bill

* $91.46 due
* I’m at register six at the 11th St. Pete’s Pets in a red jacket and brown pants. I’ll be waving.
* Receipt and coupon for dog biscuits free with purchase


$75
Edwin 555-6116

Car for sale

1992 Espinoza Merced

* 221,000 miles
* White w/raccoon blood racing stripes
* 2 1/2 doors

- Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary Renting Being John Malkovich
- Plenty of peanut shells under the driver's seat


$240 or best offer
Claire 555-8710


** Hurry, Joel is interested **

May 24, 2011

For sale

Christmas tree needles

* Over 5,000 available
* Perfect for tree needle beds


$200 for entire collection or $.10 per needle
Gus 555-7711

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Basketball Concession Workers Wives - Season 2
* Who Won’t Get Hit By A Van?! - Complete series
* Make Me A Bologna Sandwich! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes & commentary)


$10 each
Wallace 555-0081

May 23, 2011

Obituary

Daniel Lester
1914-2011

Mr. Lester died doing what he loved: sitting in a kiddie pool while throwing rotten fruit at squirrels. He was the founder of political activist groups S.P.C.S. (Separation of Paper Clips and Soup) and the Plumptin County chapter of Keeping Snowmen Cold. Refusing to accept the existence of toothbrushes, Mr. Lester chose instead to brush his teeth with a small boy named Benjamin. In 1973, married his podiatry school sweetheart, Rose, but the couple divorced in early-1974 after an argument over bone spurs. Mr. Lester is survived by a drawing of his son, Walter, and his son, Walter. Funeral services are set for May 27 at 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Paddock's for .50 wing night.

May 22, 2011

For sale

Applesauce




















* Comes with spoon, three dead fire ants
* Hurry, many interested


$10
Gus  555-3397

May 21, 2011

Services

Need a bowl of soup finished?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

May 20, 2011

For rent

Used protest signs

"Get out from underneath my minivan!"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking wood polish kills people"
"Rodney, cut your toenails!"
"Medlen High: give us back our water fountains!"


$3 each
Kathy 555-1081

May 19, 2011

Meetings

Onion Ring Bing's Fast Food Restaurant - Store #64
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Making the customers dance for extra condiments was not on the orientation video
* Please stop accepting wood carvings of dollar bills as currency
* We do not offer free legal advice at the drive thru window


May 20, 9:30 a.m.

May 18, 2011

For sale

Used books


Walk a Mile in my Hippopotamus Costume - Allen Gerald
The Girl With the Escalator Tattoo - Niles Leonard
Essays on Motor Oil - Feathers Publishing
Idiot's Guide to the Ice Cube - Ed. Fran Wheatley


$5 each
Tony 555-7007

May 17, 2011

Events

Ernest & Rory Near The Movies
Wednesday show


Movies to discuss:

* Honey, I Made a Sandwich Out of the Kids
* The Greatest Snowman Ever Cold
* Dances With Refrigerator Boxes
* Fire Ant Hills At Tiffany's


Wednesday, May 18 at 7:00 p.m. on WDERTV

May 16, 2011

Events

Vanderells City Penguins baseball
Additions to promotional calendar


June 8 - Throw Radishes at the Manager's Son
July 27 - Ernie Lowry Autographed Sandpaper (first 5,000 fans)August 2 - Sunflower Seed Shell Night
August 11 - Shout Insults at the Bat Boy
August 12 - Tissue Night


Call 555-6817 for tickets

For sale

Couch cushion



* Brand-new
* Once sat on by Ervin Fishbine lookalike Ben Peterson
* Three corn chips underneath cushion free with purchase


$7
Lenny 555-5142

May 15, 2011

Meetings

What the Book? Club meeting

Book to discuss:

Idiot's Guide to the Light Switch


May 17, 7:00 p.m. at Diane & Victor's condo

May 14, 2011

For sale

Used video games


* Prison Cafeteria 3
* The Legend of Murray and Murray's Friend Gary
* Snowman War 2010
* Retirement Home: Coat Room
* Snowman War 2008
* Rubber Band Boy vs. Australia


$9 each
Tessa 555-6646

May 13, 2011

For sale

Lawn signs


"It's a Bo !"
"Beware of Lawn"
"Sign for Rent"
"Grandparents for Sale"
"Beware of Dog Food Dish"


$2 each
Gary 555-4220

May 12, 2011

Meetings

Golden Dragon Chinese Restaurant
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The lobster shells are not reusable
* Why we had to remove the hot and sour soup dunk tank from the break room
* Pu Pu Plate should not be taken literally


May 14, 3:00 p.m.

May 11, 2011

Services

Advice Lady for hire


* Wearing a wool hat and sweatpants into the shower
* Don't make a turkey sandwich out of a molehill
* Where do you think you're going?
* What not to shout at an elementary school chorus concert
* Don't store leftover gravy in envelopes
* "I got a tattoo of an in-ground pool on my stomach, what should I do next?"
* The obituary page of a newspaper is not for anything that has been flushed down the toilet
* Don't wash your minivan with ranch dressing


Call for rates and availability
Cathy 555-2888

May 10, 2011

Home for sale



1/5 BR
0 BATH
3 ICE CUBE TRAYS

- Close proximity to the mailbox
- Used in the filming of the hit reality TV series Who Wants to Marry a Possum?

** Priced to be burglarized **


Open house: May 14 from 2:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. at 325 Delwood Blvd., Kaynesport

May 9, 2011

Announcements




BOBBY GIFT REGISTRY

For sale

Hot dog wrapper collection

* 200+  available, several vintage
* 1/2 hot dog free with purchase


$150
Sandra 555-2118

May 8, 2011

Meetings

Sandy's Soup & Salad
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The birthday song does not include pouring soda on the customers
* Please stop accepting envelopes with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The following items are not on the menu: lettuce soup, tissue salad, salad soup


May 9, 1:00 p.m.

May 7, 2011

Meetings

Friends of Vanessa Melvin
May meeting


Items to discuss:

* Video viewing of Vanessa fitting seven radishes in her mouth at last month's Salad Olympics
* Our field trip to Vanessa's driveway has been moved to June 25
* The new bathtub tattoo on Vanessa's back: Q&A


May 9, 3:30 p.m. at Bruce & Harriet's condo

May 6, 2011

For sale

Mayo King Fast Food bill

* $6.43 owed
* Comes with one napkin and one plastic knife
* I'm on the Mayo King Store #38 drive thru line, in a blue car. My son will be waving his arms out of the passenger side window.


Claire  555-1121

Services

Need to dial a number on a telephone?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

May 5, 2011

Meetings

Papi, Papi! Mexican Restaurant
Server's meeting


On the agenda:

* The "is that an enchilada in your pocket" joke we tell at the hostess stand is no longer funny
* Please stop accepting middle school students as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "stupid show off"


May 7, 11:00 a.m.

May 4, 2011

Openings

Herman Street Movie House
Grand opening!




May movies:

The Men Who Stare at Water Fountains
Honey, I Stapled Things to the Kids
A Farewell to Sneezes
Clogged Toilet at Tiffany's




Herman Street Movie House - 510 Xavier Lane, SE Kaynesport

May 3, 2011

For rent

Bathroom items

* Deodorant - .10/minute
* Shampoo - .25/ounce
* Toothbrush (used) - seasonal rates


Vance 555-4338

May 2, 2011

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #401
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to work the drive thru while you have a cigarette break
* There's no such thing as a "reading the menu tax"


May 7, 10:30 a.m.

Meetings

Posted meetings at Kaynesport Hall
Week of May 2


S.O.U.P. (Separation of Underwear & Soup)
* Meeting re-scheduled for May 5

Team 4 Adult Softball
* Coach Griffin: "What an 0-12 season means". May 4 at 7:00 p.m.

Friends of Lyle Beck
* Field trip to Lyle's elementary school desk has been canceled

Save The Peanuts - Plumptin Chapter
* April's Lost Shells: A Remembrance. May 7, 1:30 p.m.