February 28, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


Bag Boys: Chicago
Chinese Buffet - Season 1
We're Living In An Oak Tree! - Season 3
Make Me A Quesadilla! - Complete Series



$10 each
Trent 555-3228

Meetings

The People on Amanda Klein's Roof
March meeting


On the agenda:

* The 2011 Gutter Games: what went wrong
* Somersaulting is not prohibited until Evan turns up
* Our field trip to Amanda's middle school bus seat has been moved to April 3


March 4, 1:00 p.m.

February 27, 2011

For sale

Domain names


www.whatsineddiesnavel.com
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/thingswelostinthebarbecuesauce
www.wheelbarrowcam.wordpress.com
www.paymont.edu/intercollegiateathletics/asparagusfencing
www.mashedpotatofights.org
www.isthatkittypoo.blogspot.com
www.realitytvhistory.blogspot.com/getmymommatochurch
www.firecustodianmarianne.com
www.jasonsivemet.com/jason_hartley


$6 each
Andrea   555-0044

February 26, 2011

Child for sale

Daniel
Age: 7

Favorite food: Salt packets and orange peels
Sleeps: about 45 minutes per night in a wheelbarrow in the garage
Pluses: Always has mashed potatoes in his pockets; burps at a fourth-grade level
Minuses: Has been caught on more than one occasion eating mud; terrible basketball player
What he wants to be when he grows up: A talking acorn

** Received "Worst Solo" and "Largest Mom" at 2010 elementary chorus awards banquet **


$300
Evan & Jenna 555-6115


* Interesting trades for kittens considered *

February 25, 2011

Services

Shampoo taste-tester for hire


Call for rates and availability
Stephen 555-3771

For sale

Vinyl record albums


There Used To Be A Bald Spot - Peggy Cliff
Stairway To The Attic - Forehead
Waiter, There's A Sneaker In My Soup - The Mossy People
Celery Fights - Ernie Clyde
Greatest Hits, Volume 6
- Dottie and the Uninterested
(Another) Penguin Overdose - Salami Daniels


$5 each
Bernie 555-9881

February 24, 2011

For sale

Leroys

* Just bused in *

- Hundreds available
- Perfect for stapling pieces of bread to


Call for pricing list 555-6624

For sale

Hot dog buns

* 42 available
* Interesting trades for peanut shells considered


$3 each
Gerald 555-4001


** Ask about our payment plans **

February 23, 2011

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #91
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Why the special sauce isn't as special if you drop it on the floor
* What not to do with the hamburger buns
* Put on your name tag after you put on your work shirt



February 24, 9:30 a.m.

February 22, 2011

For sale

Magazines

Banana Peel Wig Maker (May, 2000)
Dandruff (September, 1994; November, 1994; January, 1995 - w/special "Men of Considerable Dandruff" pull-out calendar)
Sandpaper Enthusiast (May, 1989; January, 1990)
What Time Is It? (April, 1999 - 3:15 and 7:40 double issue)


$2 each
Eddie 555-0100

Meetings

Kerwin Times
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage, competitive tickling is not a sport
* The same lost toupee can only show up on the police blotter once
* The obituary page is not for spoiled fruit


February 23, 12:00 p.m.

February 21, 2011

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

SWM, age 34. Looking for a woman who doesn't have a problem with a man who owns and has named over 400 salamanders.

Eric box 67709


Let's make a you and her sandwich. You bring her, I'll bring the giant tomatoes.

Brent box 88226


I need a ride to the worm store.

Elroy box 05598


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I've had several relationships end in Dollar Hut parking lots. Looking for a man who doesn't work at Dollar Hut.

Tamika box 40402


SBF, age 42. Let's get together and start a family (of chipmunks).

Brianna box 33757


I have my ex-husband's name tattooed on my body. His name is Vince.

Looking for a man named Vince or Vincent.

Beverly box 71222



OTHER

Single, white refrigerator. Empty.

Gary box 11708

February 20, 2011

For sale

Door




* White w/Anthony blood stains
* Perfect for:

- A house
- Door fights


$9
Heather 555-3871

Cat for sale

Willard




Age: 7

We used to be so close, but ever since he found that ant hill on the front lawn he acts like he's too good for me. It's time for both of us to move on with our lives.


* Starred in the made-for-TV movie Karate Cat
* Some thrown-up rubber bands free with purchase


$15
Brandon 555-3448

For sale

Beefy's Fast Food Hut bill


- $5.54 owed
- Comes with three napkins
- I'm at the Beefy's drive-thru window at store #67


Anthony 555-1121

February 19, 2011

Services

Need an envelope sealed?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Meetings

Laphonso's Burger Hut - Store #31
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* We're shutting down the onion ring frier until Samantha's pinkie turns up
* How long has the microwave been on fire?
* Please do not give free piercings at the drive thru window


February 20, 10:00 a.m.

February 18, 2011

For sale

Car

- Unknown make/model
- 205,000 miles
- Used in the filming of the 2006 movie Things We Lost In The Potato Salad
- Cream of broccoli soup underneath passenger seat free with purchase (bowl & spoon sold separately)


$130
Garrett 555-4640

February 17, 2011

For sale

Umbrella



* Black
* Perfect for blocking rain
* Comes with two clumps of grass


$7 or best offer
Jenny 555-2771

February 16, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Tell me where the crazy hurts"


* The voices underneath your eyebrows
* "I can't find a second use for toothpaste"
* Hot dog bun tattoo regret
* Giant spoons invade Soup City
* Fear of drawings of cockroaches
* "I make cheese dip and then I pour it into my backpack"


Call for rates and availability
Debbie 555-7007

February 15, 2011

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!


REALITY TV

Will Anyone Date My Father? - 8:00 p.m.

Mr. Peek's dinner date ends prematurely when his toupee falls into the cream of mushroom soup. Plus: Eric's dad shows up to his date with Claire wearing his socks over his boots.

America's Got Stomachaches - 9:00 p.m.
Bryson has a stomachache.

On The Market - 10:00 p.m.
In the season finale, Janessa has trouble selling Wayne's ride-on lawnmower with the raccoon head stuck in the blade, and the Buckleys can't find any takers for their son, Ronald.


LATE-NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Broken Arm Rest of the Opera



5:55 a.m. - Reading Potato Chip Ingredients With Kevin

February 14, 2011

Meetings

Friends of Ben Kentley
February meeting


On the agenda:

* Ben Land has been temporarily closed until all of the kangaroos are returned
* Last Thursday's surprise party aftermath: apologizing to Ken Bentley and his roommate at the nursing home
* Our field trip to Ben's middle school gym locker has been moved to March 3


February 15, 2:00 p.m.

February 13, 2011

For sale

Pet store bill

* $26.73 owed
* I'm at Pete's Pets on Claymore Street, register 6
* Goldfish free w/purchase


Joel 555-2219

February 12, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Buffaloes Baseball
Additions to promotional calendar


May 6: Scotch Tape Day
May 7: Throw Things at the General Manager's Son
June 11: Bring Your Rabbit to the Park
June 27: Burt Benton Autographed Sock Night
July 9: Cardboard Box Day


Call 555-7747 for tickets

February 11, 2011

Meetings

Ike's Ice Cream
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Top soil is not one of our toppings
* Spoon sword fights against the customers: no matter what assistant manager Bryan says, everybody loses
* Please stop accepting crayons as currency


February 12, 10:00 a.m.

February 10, 2011

For sale

Used perfumes/colognes


* Animosity by Dirk Callaway
* Sauerkraut
* Derwood Morris
* Spinach by Melvin Shane
* Verfaulen Rengenwurm


$10 each
Bob 555-2323

Services

Need windows looked out of?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

February 9, 2011

For sale

T-shirts

- "Check Book Keepers-Arena Tour 2006"
- "I Was Wheelbarrowed Out Of Callahans Bar & Grill"
- "Sand Eating Contest National Champion 1999"
- Blue w/Russian dressing stain
- "Shampoo! The Musical: Live at Plumptin Hall"
- "Hiccup Fest '83"


$6 each
Jeremy 555-6556

Obituary

Dorothy Baines
1908-2011

Well, the old nut finally died. Dorothy was one of the original members of the air guitar quartet Finger Lickin and formed the political activist group S.O.P. (Separation of Owl and Pasta). She died doing what she loved: shouting at a toll booth operator. Funeral services are set for February 10 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Holy Bowling! for league night.

February 8, 2011

For sale

Artichokes



* Burnt
* Used in the filming of Peggy Cliff's 2009 music video ArtichOK


$10 each or both for $15
Lunch! Records 555-4301

February 7, 2011

Meetings Posted

Meetings at Kaynesport Hall - Annex B


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
* Field trip to the boiler room moved to March 7

Fake Sneezer's Anonymous
* Meeting moved to February 9

Lettuce War Recreation Society
* February 10 rehearsal canceled

Other Uses for Cooked Lasagna Noodles
* Seminars to be rescheduled: check bulletin board for details

Wheelbarrow Basketball
* Team 6 practice moved to February 8 at 6:00 p.m.


To post a meeting call 555-4401

February 6, 2011

Services

Iguana for hire




Vince
Age: 3


* 22-inch tail
* Star of 2008 documentary Waiter, There's an Iguana in my Soup! - The Closing of Rosita's
* Great listener/biter


$25/hour
555-3531

February 5, 2011

For sale

Tree




$40
Greg 555-0017

For sale

Used protest signs

"Get down from my roof!"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking toilet bowl cleaner kills people"
"I need directions to the protest!
"Index card eating contests are inhumane"
"My pens always run out of"


$8 each
Bob 555-2323

February 4, 2011

Opportunities

All-you-can eat sawdust

* For a limited time *


Bryson 555-6100

Services

Need tables sat at?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

February 3, 2011

For sale

1/4 salami sandwich



* Comes with used yellow napkin (RARE!)


$3
Vin 555-7077

February 2, 2011

Services

Nedford, Sally & Polo
Attorneys at Law

* Felony pick-and-run
* Impersonating a police car
* Wrongful slipper massaging
* Shampoo custody
* I.C.I.U.I. (ice cube insulting under the influence)
* Resisting Ernest


Call for rates and availability
555-3019

Openings

Dennis Office Opening

"You've trialed the otters, now trial the breast!"


- Calvary filmings
- Winston teeths
- Bowlers


** Free fross **


48 Delwood Ave, Kaynesport

February 1, 2011

Meetings

Pete & Pete Pizza
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Rubber bands are not a topping
* 'Dough conditioner' has nothing to do with pouring things into a customer's hair and scrubbing
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "bunch of losers"


February 2, 1:00 p.m.