December 31, 2011

Services

Need to knock on a door?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2011

For sale

VHS movies


The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera



$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

December 29, 2011

Meetings

Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting


Items to discuss:

* Penalty flags are not edible no matter how long you grill them
* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following were called in 2011 and are not penalties: "illegal nose on the face" and "too many blades of grass on the field"


December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

December 28, 2011

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!


$8
Chuck 555-7791


* Hurry, Trevor is interested

Events

Meet Barry!



January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7.

* Barry will be splashing water on children, kicking mud at the elderly and autographing 8 1/2-11 photographs *

December 26, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged.



Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages.


Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items

* Tree

- Bottom right corner currently on fire, but it should be out soon

* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVDs

Videos

- Do They Know It's Actually Almost Valentine's Day At All?
- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Lil' Pipsqueak


Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

December 25, 2011

Events

It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5


Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"


December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

December 24, 2011

For sale

Driveway

* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's


$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

December 23, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar


January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

December 22, 2011

For sale

Bag

* Once held celery
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary There's A Bag On Jerry's Head


$1.50
Claire & Jerry 555-6117

For sale

Documentaries on DVD


* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* Why is that Man Screaming at that Oak Tree?
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace


$6 each
Giovante 555-2000

December 21, 2011

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1
* Dishwashing Detergent Drinking Contest: All-Stars


$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

December 20, 2011

Item found

Snowman















We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.


* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


555-9188

December 19, 2011

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting


Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston


December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

December 18, 2011

For sale

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered


Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

December 17, 2011

For rent

Used protest signs


"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"


Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

December 16, 2011

For sale

Christmas lights




- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately


$25
Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread




$70
Dante 555-8810

December 15, 2011

Meetings

Soup Shack
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency


December 17, 10:00 a.m.

December 14, 2011

For sale

Green beans




$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182


** Hurry, Barry is interested **

December 13, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting


On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed


December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* America's Got Cold Sores - Final season
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1


$10 each
Vanessa 555-3425

December 12, 2011

Events

The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012

"byOs: bring your OWN socks."


Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* Pinching Christopher
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest

Food:

* Yes


For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673

December 11, 2011

Services

Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."


* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)


Pete 555-5733

December 10, 2011

For rent

Sock



* White
* One hole (right big toe)
* Starred in the award-winning, 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad


$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117

December 9, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting


On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- Whoever has been stealing door knobs, please come clean
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers


December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2011

Casting call

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof


* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini


** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **


Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

December 7, 2011

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029


Let's make a me sandwich. You bring a sorority sister or two, I'll bring the giant onions.

Moe box 72346


Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117


Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906


I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700


OTHER


Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

December 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement



Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

December 5, 2011

Apartment for rent



1/3 STUDIO
1 BATHROOM MIRROR
1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator


$105/month
Reggie 555-7363

December 4, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

December 3, 2011

Personal ad



SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs


Cliff box 10277

For sale

Sneaker

* White w/barbecue sauce stains
* Other sneaker sold separately
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager's Wives


$4
Bernie 555-9117

** Comes with one free sock **

December 2, 2011

Services

Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 1, 2011

Meetings

Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley


December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house

Special offer

Volume 5 of the Idiot's Guide books are now available!

You'll get:

* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb

and more!


** Order now and receive Belt free **


Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391

November 30, 2011

For sale

Thanksgiving turkey pieces



* Rare *


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8811

November 29, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Wants To Throw Slices of Cheese at a Millionaire? - Season 3
* Bus Boys: Detroit
* Worm Shop - Final season
* How Much Change is in Harold's Couch?! - Reunion special
* Grandpa Swap - Season 2 (w/deleted scenes)


$5 each
Raqwon  555-3966

Events

Winter 2011 additions to event calendar at Blast! Cola Arena

December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses
December 29 - Countdown to New Years

2012 Concert Series

January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Innocent Until Proven Funky
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Forehead


For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office

November 28, 2011

Services

Courier service

"I'll transport anything."

* Ant farms
* Elderly men named Lester
* Houseplants
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four at a time)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:

- Sneezes
- Air
- Sunflower seed shells


Steve 555-7174

November 27, 2011

Services

Need some turkey eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 26, 2011

For sale

Vinyl record singles


* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Five Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band
* I Want To Sand Your Hand - Behind the Refrigerator


$5 each
Buck 555-4393

November 25, 2011

For sale

Mustache

* Brown
* Perfect for the mustache collector in your life
* Free with purchase: coupon for $1 off mustache comb


$6
Ike 555-7334

November 24, 2011

Services

Need help naming your ice cubes?

Tired of the names Joe Maglio always gives them?


Vince Maglio  555-9995

November 23, 2011

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Winter '11 meeting


Items to discuss:

* The fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4


November 25, 4:00 p.m.

November 22, 2011

Missing

Hot dog


[Photo taken November 18]

* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered


Gail and Marty 555-7882

November 21, 2011

Events

Semi-pro competitive eating
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule

* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *

November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest


To register call 555-2291

November 20, 2011

For sale

Leftovers

Lots of items for sale:

* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* 1/2 apple (some browning, but still good)
* Tupperware of expired mayonnaise

Sunday specials available for a limited time:

- One slice of white bread
- Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)


(side view, taken November 18, 2011)


Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177

November 19, 2011

For sale

Toothbrush

* Used less than 25 times
* Free toothpaste with purchase
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Brush My Teeth! - All Stars


$8
Trevon  555-1922

* Hurry, Leon is interested *

For sale

Artichoke juice



* Just wheelbarrowed in from down the street
* Well-known aphrodisiac


$4/gallon or $.75 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

November 18, 2011

Services

Need a pencil sharpened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

** Must provide pencil sharpener **

Meetings

Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting


On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the cinnamon bun


November 21, 1:00 p.m.

November 17, 2011

November 16, 2011

Opportunities

I built a hot dog bun boat and I'm going to sail around the world. If interested, give me a call.

(Ladies only)


Jeremy  555-3049

For sale

Bottle of water

* About 2/3 full
* Used during November 15 elevator ride


$4
Jan 555-8186

November 15, 2011

Meetings

Clock Watcher's Society - Ernie County chapter
November meeting


Items to discuss:

* What we liked/didn't like about 10:15 a.m. last Friday
* The cartoon pilot for Daylight Savings Time did not get picked up
* When is it going to be 4:00 p.m. again?


November 16 at headquarters

For sale

Bulk acorns

* Brown
* Interesting trades for tree branches considered


$.20 each or 10 for $2
Ned 555-4499

November 14, 2011

Events

The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony is scheduled for November 19!

* 2011 HOF inductees

- Player's wing: Pete "Pinches" Jamison
- Mascot wing: Noodles
- Special contribution award: coleslaw vendor Boris Parks

* Season-in-review

- Special video presentation: "Together, We Can Move An Ant Hill - The Story of the 2011 Shimples Champion Kaynesport Ceilingsquirrels"
- Awards show:

* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Most irritating child
* Longest pinch
* Furthest parking space from door
* Largest forehead
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Not invited next year


Come join us Saturday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Plumptin Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Plumptin

Help wanted

Someone put the flag up on my mailbox. It could've happened any time between November 11th and November 13th, but I need to find out who did this.

* Mailbox flag is black
* Reward junk mail offered


Marcus 555-3221

November 13, 2011

Announcements

Vote Morris/Fanny '12
Campaign updates

Get on board with the candidate who:

- Voted to abolish all sidewalks
- Owns three goldfish
- Led the 2002 Klepitch County wheelbarrow boycotts
- Won 'best eyes' in his high school yearbook

January, 2012 debate schedule

* 1/6 - "The existence of eyebrows on dolphins"
* 1/13 - "Who said that?"
* 1/20 - "I shouldn't have agreed to this debate"

Our "throw things at the candidate" series is back!

* March 3, East Plumptin Hall - peanut shells
* March 25, Derwood Manor - kitchen appliances
* April 17, Kaynesport Amphitheater - elementary school children
* May 5, Piso Hall - cough drops
* June 10, Feathers Village - heads of lettuce

Get involved!

We still need volunteers to help with:

* Collecting socks door-to-door
* Soak the Umbrellaless (February 3-5, 2012)
* County-by-county help to sing the election night results next November


For more details, contact campaign manager Robert Merwood 555-2323

November 12, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"


* Fear of singing marshmallows
* Excessive murmuring
* "I make pounds of pasta and pour it into the bathtub"
* The voices inside your car's gas tank
* Fire extinguisher tattoo regret
* Dolphinpantsphobia (fear of a clothed dolphin)
* Over-nodding


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8118

For sale

Wristwatch

* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?


$15
Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2011

Job Board

Employment opportunities for November 12-18


- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Death of a Salesman's Camaro November 19 from 1:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m.

Piso PH - 230 Venton Blvd., East Kaynesport

- Brillo pad taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985

- Delivery boy needed
* Must own wheelbarrow *
555-4029

- The Chicken Hut - Store #44
Now hiring:

* Assistant manager in charge of disappointed head shakes

http://chickenhut.com/positions

- Toothpaste-eating contest judges needed
* Semipro competitive eating 555-4661

- Goldfish funeral director
* Start immediately * 555-1199

November 10, 2011

Openings

Big Barry's Buffet
Grand opening!



Exotic menu items:

* Beef knuckles of Jim Bradley
* Yellow stuff in yellow sauce
* Big pot of ears
* Boiled water cup/bowl (seasonal)


Specials deals available:

- New Barry's t-shirts (made of 100% penguin):

"I took a dip in the applesauce pool!"
"Someone pointed me to the restroom at Big Barry's Buffet"

- Hamburger bun free with purchase of hamburger
- Our brand-new Napkins of the World exhibit opens December 7


Big Barry's - 325 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

November 9, 2011

Services

Need a can of soda opened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995


* Now opening water bottles *

Events

The first annual Grandpa Games will be held at the Kaynesport Amphitheater, December 2-3.

Schedule of events:

10:30 a.m. - Coughing - preliminaries
11:45 p.m. - Gas (long program)
2:30 p.m. - Napping - preliminaries
4:45 p.m. - Grandkid 1600 meter carry - finals
5:50 p.m. - Coughing gold medal match
7:30 p.m. - Crossword puzzle "across" - finals
8:30 p.m. - Experimental event: Who has your nose?
9:15 p.m. - Napping - finals
December 3, 6:00 a.m. - Closing ceremonies


For tickets call 555-6772

November 8, 2011

Services

Dance lessons available

I provide instruction for dozens of dances, including:

* "The Barry"
* Cat chasing its tail
* The Ear Pull
* "Squirrel toss assembly line"
* Raking leaves
* The sassy goldfish
* "Did I put on deodorant?"
* The all-the-air-you-can-grab contest


Call for pricing list
Pierre 555-4422

November 7, 2011

For sale

Lamp shade novelty gifts

Get your shade filled with:

* Sunflower seeds and/or peanut shells
* Sawdust
* Photographs of water fountains
* Dandruff
* Paper clips
* Ice cubes
* Ants
* Smaller lamp shades


Call for pricing list
Shane's Shades 555-7742

November 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement



No one ever thinks about shopping cart suicide until it happens near your parking lot.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

November 5, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Animal Hospital
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

- When people board their cats, please do not allow them to sneak a toddler into the cage
- Please refrain from packaging and selling clipped dog nails
- We do not have a drive thru


November 7, 9:30 a.m.

For sale

VHS


A Child Called "Shampoo"
Six Sunflower Seeds of Separation
The Greatest Sesame Seed Bagel Ever Sold


Home movies:

* Grandma Josephine's "No Wig, No Pants, No Problem" song/dance (Christmas, 1992)
* Family Pine Cone Fight w/ambulance flat tire bonus footage (January, 1996)


$3 each
Gwen 555-6681

November 4, 2011

Announcements

Kaynesport Leopards semi-pro basketball
Additions to 2011-2012 promotional calendar

November 17: Car Door Night
November 28: Throw sunflower seeds at the referees during pre-game warm ups (1st 2,000 fans 10-under)
December 20: Pick on the assistant coach's son
January 8: Packing Tape Day
January 11: Stick of butter (1st 5,000 fans)


Call 555-LEOP for tickets

November 3, 2011

Letter from the editor



Just a reminder: the hot dog bun-eating contest has been rescheduled for December 7. If you have any interest in being a celebrity judge, please fill out an application indicating involvement in any national mud sculpture contests in the 1980s.

Also, please stop mailing leaves and old light bulbs; the contest ended in September.


- Derwood Morris

For sale

Post-Halloween clearance sale


* Pumpkin mush - $.50/ounce
* Pillow cases - 3 for $5
* Mailbox flag - $1
* "Captain Lettuce" costume (w/out acorn gun) - $10
* Elementary school children (prices may vary)


Lance & Maryanne 555-3321

November 2, 2011

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Fall meeting


Books to discuss:

* Championship Prison Flag Football Teams - Ed. Pauline Braswell
* Essays on Toast - Mark Benjamin
* An Illustrated History of Napkin-Eating Contests - Chocolate House Publishing


November 3, 4:00 p.m. at the Woodlin Trace Apt. complex gazebo #6

November 1, 2011

For sale

Used Halloween costumes


* The Ticker Taker of the Opera (w/replica rubber theater ticket)
* Peanut Butter Face
* Mailman-in-training Dale Levenstein
* Colonel Salami (w/rare 1970s hoagie roll forearm guards)
* The Pincher


$7 each
Iris 555-3227

October 31, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting


On the agenda:

* Why only in practice can we place a trampoline by our basket
* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris


November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center

October 30, 2011

Meetings

Pre-Halloween meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row


October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment

October 29, 2011

For sale

Workout videos on VHS

* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* No One Leaves Until I See A Push Up - Volume 5
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!


$5 each
Cody 555-4461

October 28, 2011

Openings

The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!

Summer specials:

* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Napkin on white

BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)


Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2011

For sale

Piece of sausage


















* Piece of sweatshirt fuzz included
* Rest of sausage sold separately
* Interesting trades for peanut shells considered

$1
Brent  555-3887

Services

Need to close a shower curtain?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 26, 2011

Religious visions























A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.

Viewings available now and until the end of December.


* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available
* Ladies 18-24 only


844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

October 25, 2011

Announcements

The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!


Final cut list

* Returning player

1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun


First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10

** Please bring your own glove **

October 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement


















Do these types of images make you uncomfortable? Time to do something about it.

This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.

Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 23, 2011

Services

Handy man for hire

"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"


* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Toothbrush-eating contest judge
* 25 other uses for sandpaper


Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019

October 22, 2011

For sale

Two goldfish

* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for live goldfish considered


$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818

October 21, 2011

Openings

The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening


Top-selling games:

* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Sunflower Seed Man
* Escape From The Dinner Table
* Driveway Thief
* Vacuuming '93
* Sunflower Seed Man vs. Canada



The Game Trough - 322 Morris Blvd., Kaynesport

October 20, 2011

Services

Need to open a shower curtain?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 19, 2011

Meetings

Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting


On the agenda:

* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally


October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center

October 18, 2011

For rent

Block of cheese




















$.75 per small cube or $4 for entire block
Trevor  555-9338

October 17, 2011

For sale

Domain names

www.grassclumpfights.wordpress.com/2010_etleyvschambers
www.filmscriptmania.rtf/breakfastwasspilledontiffany
www.ploopcollege.edu/oncampussearch_pigeonnests
www.whatsinmybellybutton.blogspot.com
www.firetollboothoperatorchris.com
www.plumptincountyeatingcontests.blogspot.com/1997/postagestamp
www.namesigavemyants.wordpress.com
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/3rdgradertoss
www.wheatbreadivesneezedon.blogspot.com


$10 each
Terry 555-8810

October 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Basketball Usher's Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3


$10 each
Sandra 555-4419

October 15, 2011

Item found

Grape



* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.


Eddie 555-3939

October 14, 2011

Meetings

Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Sam's Aunt Corinne to her Mailbox Whisperer's Anonymous meeting, November 2?
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9


October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Warren & Hillary's condo

October 13, 2011

For sale

Roof

* Grayish-black
* Perfect for the top of a building
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!
* Interesting trades for chimneys considered


$700
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724

October 12, 2011

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball

* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in


$12 or the equivalent in kidney beans
Hank 555-1819

October 11, 2011

For sale

Used books


* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing


$4 each
Linda 555-3401

October 10, 2011

Services

Need help replacing an ant in your ant farm?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Chair



* Black w/barbecue sauce stain on back right leg
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore


$8
Barry 555-3447


** Hurry, Tim is interested **

October 9, 2011

Missing

Pigeon





















* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt
* Reward playing cards offered


East Kaynesport Magicians LLC
555-7449

October 8, 2011

For sale

Bumper stickers


* Miss Eggplant-Runner-up '99
* Guns Don't Kill People, Entering a Windshield Wiper Fluid-Drinking Contest Kills People
* My Child Traded His Socks for a Cupcake at Griffin Elementary School
* Miss Eggplant-4th Place '03


$4 each
Brittany 555-2201

October 7, 2011

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge


October 10, 3:30 p.m.

October 6, 2011

For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered


$2
Paul  555-4002

Meetings

Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone


Friday at 10:30 a.m.

October 5, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Fear of a clothed jellyfish
* "I think someone stole my Ice Cube Man cape and is solving crimes throughout the city's freezers"
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of pasta, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering


Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

October 4, 2011

For sale

1/2 cucumber



* Green
* Perfect for cucumber fights


$2
Cal 555-7662


** Hurry, Darryl is interested **

For sale

Stuffed bear



* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered


$40
Ben & Felicity 555-3991

October 3, 2011

Services

Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)


Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990


** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

For rent

Egg




$2/half hour
Natalie 555-0111

October 2, 2011

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
October meeting


Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing


October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

October 1, 2011

For rent

Basketball goal



* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement


$25/hour
Randal & Beverly 555-3391

September 30, 2011

For sale

Bagel

* Slightly burnt
* Full of character


$4
Ben  555-0117

* Hurry, Calvin is interested *

September 29, 2011

For sale

Lemon slice


















* RARE *


$11
Boris  555-4662

Meetings

Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting


Items to discuss:

* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* For our field trip to Barry's mailbox, still need deposits from: K'eondrae, Vanessa and Paul



September 22, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church

September 28, 2011

Meetings

Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Why only in practice can we punt with a head of lettuce
* Please, no more water gun fights on the sidelines during games
* From league commissioner Dale Rudolph: the referees are not allowed to give piggy back rides down the field after completed passes
* Mid-season awards:

- Weakest arm
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off


September 30, 6:00 p.m. at field 7

September 27, 2011

Obituary

Emmit Larsen
1906-2011

Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night

September 26, 2011

For sale

Mud

* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud
* Interesting trades for sand considered


Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341

For sale

Bike seat



* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase
* Interesting trades for bike handlebars considered


$8
Lance 555-6886

September 25, 2011

For sale

DVD for sale
Reality TV


* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)


$5 each
Keonte 555-0818

September 24, 2011

Services

Need to insult a relative?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Recliner

* Green w/gravy stains
* 1/2 salami sandwich underneath cushion + extra piece of salami free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?


$32
Dale  555-0440


** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **

September 23, 2011

Pet personal ad

SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.

* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *


Mort box 76991

September 22, 2011

For sale

Car door

* Blue w/deer blood
* Free with purchase:

- six pennies, four nickels
- 1/2 doughnut

* Door handle sold separately


$11
Pete  555-7329

September 21, 2011

Services

Landscaper for hire


* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?

Tutorials:

- "What should I do with all this mud?"
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"


Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739

September 20, 2011

Meetings

Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Peters' huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:

- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award


September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza

September 19, 2011

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.




Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.

September 18, 2011

Meetings

The Clothing Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not selling it as a fur


September 19, 9:00 a.m.

September 17, 2011

For sale

1/3 cup of salsa

* Red
* Interesting trades for mustard considered


$6
Ronald  555-3348

** Ask about our payment options **

September 16, 2011

For sale

Bulk fortune cookie messages


"You will be approached by a hysterical pigeon"
"A mayonnaise hose a day keeps Mrs. Reynolds away"
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
"A chance encounter with a shampoo bottle will bring you luck"
"An unexpected unibrow will resurface"
"The 15-minute ice cube fight your children just had was caught on camera. You will be billed for any water damage"
"I hope you didn't order the chicken chow mein"
"Your husband put one of the rice bowls in his jacket pocket. We saw him do it"


Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911

September 15, 2011

For sale

Leaves


* Brown, yellow and green available
* $.25 each or 10 for $2
* Interesting trades for acorns considered


Hal 555-4022

September 14, 2011

For sale

VHS

Movies

* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?


Other

* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips


$3 each
Sandra 555-1886

September 13, 2011

Services

Need a shower or faucet turned off?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Band aid



* Yellow
* Edible
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Is Bleeding Now?!
* Interesting trades for gauze pads considered


$4
Gabe 555-3970

September 12, 2011

For sale

Used protest signs


"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking ear medicine kills people"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
"Stop the employment of illegal fire ant workers: close Roryland"


$5 each
Hillary 555-7761

September 11, 2011

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman


* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
* Ice cube eating contest judge Angela DeFrancesco


Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

September 10, 2011

Meetings

League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting


On the agenda:

* We can no longer accept hot dog buns or chicken bones as part of the league fees
* Randy McGee's real name is Randal McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
* New league rule: trades can no longer involve real-life family members


September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house

September 9, 2011

For rent

Glass of water

* Tap
* Free delivery


$2/minute
Glenn 555-0017

Public Service Announcement

Help us end wheelbarrow violence.




Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.

September 8, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist or hire


* Fear of clothed goldfish
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"


Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572

September 7, 2011

For sale

Drive-thru bill

* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase


$10
Daniel 555-6001

September 6, 2011

Meetings

The Tinkle Army
Band meeting


On the agenda:

* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20


September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space

For sale

I'm selling some of my old domain names.

Great prices available.


www.whatsunderbriansfingernails.com
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.horacesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com


$10 each
Hal 555-4991

September 5, 2011

Services

Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

September 4, 2011

For sale

Water

* Seven ounces available
* Comes in a convenient paper cup
* Perfect for that special someone


$4
Harvey 555-6846

For sale

Used books


- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums

- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys


$3 each
Beth 555-1132

September 3, 2011

For sale

I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.

Great deals available.


"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Wheelbarrow races make the heart grow fonder"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"A sneeze is a terrible thing to waste"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
"Don't bite the mailman who feeds your mailbox"


Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346

September 2, 2011

For sale

DVDs


Reality TV

* Softball Umpire Wives - Season 3
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes


$10 each
Carlos 555-3772

September 1, 2011

For sale

Celery stalk




$8 or best offer
Bernice 555-3311

Meetings

Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely


May 7, 2:00 p.m.

August 31, 2011

Public Service Announcement



Help prevent young apples from turning to a life on the streets.


C.O.R.E.
Call 555-4041 to find out how you can help

August 30, 2011

Opportunities

Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!


* Understanding Ice Cubes

- Naming your ice cubes
- Ice Cube War of 1983

* History of the Sneaker

- Pre-requisite: History of the Sock

* Survey: Guys Named Ernie

- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl

* Intro to Elevators & Escalators

* Where's the Bookstore?

- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?



Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391

August 29, 2011

For sale

Empty soda can

* Recently-emptied
* Tab sold separately 

$3
Marty  555-9223

For sale

Donnie Samples autographed paper plate




* Rare
* Comes with soy sauce stain


$250
Beverly 555-2987

August 28, 2011

For sale

Bulk bumper stickers

Hundreds in stock, including:

- "How's My Silverware Tossing? 555-7223"
- "Real Men Love Eggplant"
- "Guns Don't Kill People, Eating Too Many Brillo Pads Kills People"
- "My Child Left Her Mittens At Hawthorne Elementary"


Price list available upon request
555-4400

Services

Band aid removal service


$6/band aid
Ronald 555-9771

August 27, 2011

Meetings

PleasePay Groceries - Store #113
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* What's the code for parsley?
* The customers are not allowed to trade infant children for dairy products
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards


August 29, 9:00 a.m.

August 26, 2011

Home for rent



1/8 BR
1 WALL

* Front door installed May, 2011 *

- Bathroom just a two-minute drive
- Close proximity to mud pit 6
- Used in the filming of the 2008 reality TV show Who Wants to Marry a Raccoon?


$93/month
Ben & Nadine 555-6196

August 25, 2011

For sale

Mouthpiece



* Orange
* Used only four times by only two people
* Appeared on the hit reality TV show Laundry Detergent Drinking Contest: All Stars


$1 or best offer
Hank 555-7888

For sale

Napkin clearance

Everything must go!


* New and used
* Many colors available


Call for pricing list
Vincent 555-4515

August 24, 2011

For sale

Bulk egg shells



* Perfect for that special someone *


Call for pricing list
Mel's Shells 555-8177

August 23, 2011

Services

Need to coax an old woman down from a telephone poll?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

DVD movies


Catch Chicken Pox If You Can
The Return of the Mud People
My Best Friend's Shedding
Desperately Seeking Deodorant
Windshield Wipers of a Salesman



$5 each
Jill 555-9772

August 22, 2011

For hire

Hit man

"I can be very persuasive."


Now offering:

* Slaps
* Aggressive tickling
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Pinches
* Sunflower seed pummelings


Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371

August 21, 2011

Meetings

Taco Palace
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Put on your work pants after your belt
* At the end of the birthday song, we do not repeat the phrase "I hate you and your family"
* The front pocket of the a customer's pants is not a taco shell


August 22, 9:00 a.m.

August 20, 2011

For sale

Tap water clearance sale

Every drop must go!


Call for pricing list
Mary 555-7781

August 19, 2011

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* "The floor keeps pointing up at me and laughing"
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* Drainiaphobia (fear of dropping your phobia into an open sewer)
* "I make split pea soup and pour it in my wool hat"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City


Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791

August 18, 2011

Meetings

Piso Street bus station - Monday, August 22, 9:00 a.m. pick up
Passenger meeting


Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store


* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *

August 17, 2011

For rent

Green sandal



* Right
* Hole in heel (*RARE*)


$7/hour
Curt 555-7619

August 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2


$10 each
Paige 555-2199

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
Late-summer meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen


August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo

August 15, 2011

Casting call

The Derwood Theater Group is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Slippers for Josephine.


* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Olin the talking ice cube tray of hope


** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **


Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin

August 14, 2011

For sale

Lizard




Lyle
Age: 4

Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.

- Light-brown at night


$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119

August 13, 2011

Huge yearbook sale!

Everything must go!

Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover with Sally Timmons autograph)
- 1990-1991

Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)


$25 each
Gary 555-7606

August 12, 2011

Events

Upcoming events at the brand-new Plumptin Arena:

August 20 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 7 - Checkbook Keepers
September 19 - Shouting at Kevin Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K


Get your tickets today!

Box office: 555-8177

August 11, 2011