December 31, 2010

Services

Need to coax a mule down from a roof?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2010

Help wanted



My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).


Claire 555-8962


* Free snow also available *

December 29, 2010

For sale

Some of my oldest thoughts for sale at bargain prices.

Make me an offer.


- How long would it take to eat my way out of a yogurt pool? Would I even want to leave?
- Giant carpet samples invade Hardwood Floor City
- Patent lamb chop goggles before Mitch does
- What is that green thing on my forehead?
- I'm discovered as the only Glenn at Gary Fest; county-wide man hunt begins
- The rubber band-eating contest dream


Glenn
555-4317

Services

McCan the Advice Man
For hire


* What happens in the garbage disposal, stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884

December 28, 2010

For sale

2011 calendars

Wall:

* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes

Desk:

* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010

December 27, 2010

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting


Books to discuss:

What to Expect When You're Expecting Head Lice - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary


January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo

For sale

Sunflower seed shells

* Over 5,000 available
* Perfect for burying loved ones
* Interesting trades for wheat toast considered


Call for pricing list
Renee  555-7448

For sale

Puppy

- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish


$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)

December 26, 2010

For sale

Brand-new video games


Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab



$15 each
Tito  555-4007

December 25, 2010

Christmas Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.

Call me.

Ron box 81902


Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "most likely to marry an avocado" and "best limp" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).

Alan box 80444


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my grandpa Merle again.

Turn ons: real talk about envelopes.

Judy box 63436


OTHER


Tall, green tree. Fake.

Gary box 29910

Meetings

Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale


December 27, 10:00 a.m.

December 24, 2010

Services

Need a shoe walked in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Christmas tree

* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:

- Flying pepperoni tie
- Bowl of mashed potatoes
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper


$43
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919

** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **

December 23, 2010

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting


On the agenda:

* "(I Found A) Christmas Rash" has been scratched from the set list
* Whoever has been stealing all of the mailbox flags, please come clean
* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes


Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 22, 2010

For sale

Unleaded gas

- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)

I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.


$24
Terry 555-6119

For sale

Cd singles


Christmas singles:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy
- Peggy Cliff
The Nearly Bald Drummer Man - Carl Kringle

Other:

Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Shoulfish)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Beth Delaney


$4 each
Toby 555-4682

December 21, 2010

Meetings

The Men Under Rachel Orson's Dining Room Table
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Who is driving Rachel's aunt Bethany to her A.P.A. (Ankle Pincher's Anonymous) meeting, January 4?
* The green thing on Rachel's toe: Q&A


December 26, 1:00 p.m.

December 20, 2010

Services

Life coach for hire

Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)


* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital


Call for rates and availability
555-2877

December 19, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
Fingernail Digest (March, 2000; April, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

December 18, 2010

For sale

Domain names

mysneezediary.com
coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com
moviescripts.vmd/thegreatesttoweltoeverfold
celebritiescoughing.blogspot.com
blainecollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/mensshoutingatcanopeners
walletkeepers.com/1993northamericanarenatour
goldfisheatingcontests.com/pastchampions_lennypershack
duringtheblackout.wordpress.com/foodundercouch


$8 each
Nadine 555-1002

For sale

Carrots

* Three raw, two cooked available
* Ask about our payment options


Randy  555-8338

December 17, 2010

Events

Kaynesport Blue youth football
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom


Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards

- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off

9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage


Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin

December 16, 2010

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
Winter meeting


Books to discuss:

* War and Salami Breath - Fred Wesley
* My Time Under the Couch - Patricia Gregg
* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz


December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo

Services

Freelance high school guidance counselor for hire


* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119

December 15, 2010

For sale

Couch




- Seats 11 rabbits or 3 humans comfortably
- Half ham sandwich under middle cushion


$70
Pete 555-4558

December 14, 2010

Services

Big gong help the lady love your bedtub show. Urban handsomes boost drying and strengths for Melido.

Test dose free or your money back.


Qwenalikin
555-2010

Meetings

Chuck's Chicken
Staff Meeting


On the agenda:

* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"


December 15, 3:30 p.m.

December 13, 2010

For sale

Soap



* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3


$12
Byron 555-3663

Advertisements




Call 555-3314 to register/free eggplant

December 12, 2010

Services

Advice Man for hire

"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"

* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* Let people blow their own noses
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower/Don't pour apple sauce
into your socks before putting them on


Call for hourly rates
Maxwell 555-3818

December 11, 2010

New Bobby T-Shirts For Sale




$7 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Services

Need furniture sat in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 10, 2010

Obituary

Charles Pickford
1910-2010

The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.

December 9, 2010

For sale

Gas bill

* $73.46 due immediately
* Several envelopes to choose from


$60
Gwen  555-7291


** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **

Meetings

Friends of Matt Nopler
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Untying Nat Moppler and returning him safely to his wheelbarrow gang
* The debut of Nopler Diet has been pushed back to early-February: Q&A


December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2010

For sale

Magazines

Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)
Modern Sneezer (July, 1993; May, 1994; November, 1994)


$4 each
Daniel 555-6339

December 7, 2010

Openings

Nelly Deen's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!


New gourmet flavors:

* Roast Beef
* Sawdust Spectacular
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti


Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin

Meetings

Bumbo's Bar & Grill
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency


December 8, 11:00 a.m.

December 6, 2010

Openings

Noodle Paco's Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"

Winter, 2010 movies:

The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids



Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport

December 5, 2010

For sale

Bone



* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life


$22
Eric 555-6629

** Leaves sold separately **

December 4, 2010

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Are you looking at my forehead pimple?
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares


Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010

December 3, 2010

For sale

Used workout videos

Now We're Blubbersizing! - $7
Flat Abs in 500 Sneezes or Less - $6
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10


Sebastian 555-8175

December 2, 2010

Closings

Mejia's Mexican Restaurant is closing its doors after 15 years. Come help us celebrate our last night, December 7.




Final night schedule:

7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Vanover drunk
8:20 p.m. - Special musical performance by The Nostrils
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:

* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Rory Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot


December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

1/2 roll




$4
Ben 555-4781

December 1, 2010

Services

Rorinson Printing Company


* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Step-Father signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* Anti-sneeze protest signs
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays

And more!


Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County