July 31, 2010

Services

Advice Man for Hire

* Don't eat cereal out of a catcher's mitt
* Pinch not lest ye be pinched
* You can't take a spatula to a gun fight
* An uncooked linguine noodle is not a weapon
* Don't pour grapefruit juice on your meatloaf
* Disassemble your mayonnaise hose
* Public transportation is not for reptiles


Call for rates
James 555-2318

July 30, 2010

For sale

CD singles

Asparagus Fight (Over You) - The Rolsens
I saw Mommy Mugging Santa Claus - Peggy Cliff
(Waitin' On) Armadillo Folk - Emmit and the Shadows
Rick the Hick He Quit - MC Pancakes


$2 each
Belinda 555-7002

July 29, 2010

Obituary

Morris Coughlin
1909-2010

Morris died doing what he loved: shouting insults at squirrels. Ran a successful mail-order Ernie business in the early-1970s and from 1982-1984 sold courage door-to-door. Morris was regional director of the political activist group S.O.S.C. (Separation of Sandpaper and Cake), and also was the owner of the world's largest mashed potato sculpture. Funeral services are set for August 1, then we're off to Puddles for $1 tequila shots.

For sale

Glove compartment sale

Everything must go -


* Tissue (used) - $.75
* 1/3 pastrami sandwich - $3
* Ankle sock autographed by my step-mother Gail (rare) - $40
* Pet mouse, Andy - $11
* Six quarters - $4


Erin 555-4401

July 28, 2010

For sale

Water

* 47 oz
* Dead spider free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2007 film Mouse Dunk Tank


$11
Brevin 555-7711

July 27, 2010

For rent

Stereo

- Missing STOP/EJECT button
- Cassette copy of Vito McNamara's hit single Tree (looks like it's shady) stuck inside
- Bag of Ernie hair free with rental


$7/hour
Nadine 555-3383

July 26, 2010

Meetings

Men in Boxes - Kaynesport Chapter
Summer meeting

On the agenda:

* Whose been sneezing on Ronald's box while he's asleep?
* Men Breaking Down Boxes: who do these guys think they are?
* Cardboard is not edible no matter how much hot sauce you put on it


July 27, 4:00 p.m.

July 25, 2010

For sale

Banana

* Buy half of banana, get other half free (through Tuesday, July 27)
* Extra peels available by request
* Interested trades for pine nuts considered


Make me an offer
Randal 555-2888

July 24, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Talk to your driers about gang violence before some other appliance does.


Call 555-3213 to find out how you can help

July 23, 2010

For sale

Autographed Bernie LaMont light bulb




$250
Greg 555-4419

July 22, 2010

Meetings

Highlighter Historian Society
August meeting

On the agenda:

* The brown highlighter experiment and what went wrong
* Highlighter overdoses since 2003
* The Highlighter War of 1988: remembering Sgt. Ross Sanderson


August 1, 1:00 p.m.

July 21, 2010

For sale

Magazines

Celery Sock Enthusiast
(April, 2006)
Goldfish Trader (June, 2004; November, 2004)
Carl Blakely's Slouching (January, 1998; May, 1998)
Popular Forehead (February, 2003; May, 2003)
Journal of Kaynesport Acorn Historian Society
(July, 2002)


$5 each
Rodney 555-3344

July 20, 2010

For sale

Captain Slippers halloween costume

* Missing pastrami helmet
* Comes with extra lime green robe


$11
Kendall 555-5219

July 19, 2010

Home for sale



1/2 BR
7 BATH
1 SHAMPOO BOTTLE CEMETERY

* Private balcony
* Wooden windows added June, 2010
* NO ASPARAGUS sign free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2006 reality TV show Bee Hive House


Open house - July 24 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
410 Kaywood Circle, West Kaynesport

July 18, 2010

For sale

Bee hives

* Perfect for that special someone *


$10 each or five for $40
Andy 555-9111

For rent

Hot tub

* Seats 13 raccoons comfortably
* Plenty of room for cello playing
* Must supply your own water


$80/hour
Eddie and Tamika 555-0102

July 17, 2010

For sale

Hot dog



* Burnt
* Used as an extra in the 2010 film Spicy Mustard
* Bun free with purchase


$6
Tim 555-4949

July 16, 2010

For sale

Pizza crust

Perfect for:

- Earrings
- Use as currency
- Pizza crust fights


$1 each or 10 for $7.50
Teresa 555-2111

July 15, 2010

For sale

Medical bill

* Over $700 owed
* Comes with envelope (white)
* For January, 2010 eyelid removal surgery
* Stamp sold separately


$400 or the equivalent in grated Parmesan cheese
Andy 555-6481

July 14, 2010

Services

Gowner, Ply & Kernsteen Law Offices


* Felony trip-and-run
* Possession of counterfeit cauliflower earrings with intent to distribute
* Pancake profiling
* Impersonating a police bicycle
* Leaving the scene of a bratwurst
* Misdemeanor failure to produce a valid fake limp license
* Cruelty to ice cubes


Call for rates and availability
555-9797

July 13, 2010

For rent



0 BR
1/8 BATH
1 CATERPILLAR TORTURE ROOM

* Soy sauce pool in backyard sold separately
* Used in the filming of the award-winning documentary What's Screaming in Glenn's Freezer?
* Priced to be bulldozed


$111/month
Glenn 555-8878

For sale

Camera

* Gray w/toothpaste stain
* Several pictures of Aunt Brenda's 4th place Sneeze Contest performance still on camera

$17
Greg 555-1423

July 12, 2010

For sale

Scratch-off lottery ticket



* Losing ticket, but prizes not scratched off
* Fun for the whole family


$9
Lorenzo 555-3413

July 11, 2010

Meetings

Derningwood Airlines
Flight attendant's meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not sell individual peanuts
* Meet our new mascot Tommy Turbulence
* The passengers are not allowed to take their seat with them


July 13, 1:00 p.m.

July 10, 2010

For sale

Selling my old domain names

www.prizewinningroadkill.com/1998honorablemention/giraffe
www.saltbagelsiveyettotoast/blogspot.com
www.whatflewoutofgarysear.net
www.paperclipfights.com/chesnervswilcox
www.filmscriptmania.rtf/roofleakattiffanys
www.isthatpuppytinkle.blogspot.com
www.celebritybacksurgeries.blogspot.com
www.rainbowcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_grandpatoss
www.flattireerotica.com


$8 each
Gary 555-4445

Services

Need bandaids applied or pulled off?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

July 9, 2010

Events

Ketchup Grape is coming to a venue near you!



2010 Tour:

July 16 - Vanderells Amphitheatre
July 23-25 - Chuz Festival
July 27 - Plumptin Technical College
July 29 - Feathers Playhouse
August 1-3 - Blast! Cola Arena
August 5 - Ternf Bible School
August 6-8 - Nostril Fest
August 11 - Celery Sock Benefit
August 13 - D'herwood Fairgrounds
August 18 - Antonio's Motel
August 22 - Kaynesport Amphitheatre
August 24 - Ernie College & Bait Shop


Call 555-7189 for tickets

July 8, 2010

For sale

Used books

Essays on Dishwashing Detergent - Hal Quaine
Greer's Law Books: Raccoon Possession - Greer Publishing
To Arrest a Mockingbird - Cam Leonard
Idiot's Guide to Finding the Right Book - Ed. Penny Cartwright


$9 each
Valerie 555-6485

July 7, 2010

Meetings

Dean's Ice Cream Shop
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* A waffle cone is not a weapon
* The sprinkle dunk tank in the break room is for employees only
* Please stop accepting cigarette butts as currency


July 9, 10:00 a.m.

For sale

Wood



* Dead pigeon (Ron) underneath sold separately
* House free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 movie Diaper War 3


$400 for the entire pile
Frank 555-9994


* Interesting trades for cabbage considered *

July 6, 2010

For sale

Old newspapers


Kaynesport Waffle (September 7, 2004; October 11, 2004)
Public Pinch Offenders (June, 2006; July, 2006; February, 2007)
Plumptin County Knuckle (May 29, 1993; January 22, 1994)
Wheelbarrow Rental Monthly (August, 1988)
The Bobby Classifieds-Print Edition (April 18, 2006)


$2 each
Glen 555-2330

July 5, 2010

For rent

Fingernail clippers




* 10 free fingernail pieces with rental *


$6/hour
Randall 555-4227

July 4, 2010

For sale

Vinyl record albums


Mashed Potatoes in the Mailbox (Again) - Ted and Murray
Stairway to the Parking Garage - Forehead
Air Whistling, Vol. 2 - Brant Coleman Trio
Spit Valve Confessions - Maxwell 13


$6 each
Brenda 555-3553

July 3, 2010

Services

Advice Man for hire


* Don't put swiss cheese on watermelon
* Wearing a letterman's jacket in the shower
* You can't bring a rabbit to a gun fight
* A dandelion is not a pet
* Outdoor blinking practice: dos and don'ts
* Don't make lasagna out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
Garth 555-1717

July 2, 2010

Closings

Squirmy's Bar & Dance Club is closing after 30 years
Come celebrate our final night - July 8


9:00 p.m. - Speech by owner Ernie Kellerman: "You can't have the address to my new bar"
9:15 p.m. - Ice Cube Wars: semi finals
11:15 p.m. - Squirmy's Memories, narrated by V94.7 DJ Ron Charles

* The Armadillo Be-Bop debuts on the dance floor
* New Years Eve, 1997: Stanley cries under a pool table
* August 11, 2001: Lil' Poppyseed's final concert
* Armadillo Be-Bop outlawed

12:00 a.m. - Ice Cube Wars: finals
2:00 a.m. - Police escort to walk-in freezer
2:05 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot


Squirmy's - 220 Alderson Circle, Kaynesport

For sale

Otto Feathers autographed tissue



* Unused
* Acquired at the 2008 Sneeze Fair
* Interesting trades for toe nail art considered


$45
Harry 555-9023

July 1, 2010

Meetings

Salad Dressing Enthusiasts
July meeting


Items to discuss:

* What happened after the hamster drowned in Jerry's thousand island pool
* We can no longer allow any club members to put the following items in their homemade dressings: loose skin, feathers, cuff links
* New Dressing Fest '10: congratulations to Eric and Diane for their 4th-place dressing "Sweat & Ranch"


July 5, 1:00 p.m. at Frank's house

Meetings

Laredo Mexican Restaurant
Staff meeting

Topics to discuss:

- Breaks: where not to sleep
- Looking at the video tape, assessing blame: the refried bean incident from last Friday
- The whereabouts of Hector Jiminez
- The Happy Birthday Song: who's lip syncing?

July 3, 7:30 p.m.

For sale

Trunk clearance sale

Everything must go

Blender - $4
Sweatshirts - 3 for $5
Cat food - $.10/bit
Celery Sock floor mat w/blood stains - $15
Books:
The Encyclopedia of Delayed Airline Flights (hard cover) - $10
The There And I - $8


Desmond 555-7057

Rodneys for sale

* Just wheelbarrowed in *

- Over 15,000 in stock
- Perfect for scotch taping things to
- Now with 18% more nincompoop


Call 555-4301 for pricing list