June 30, 2010

Obituary

Alden Scofield
1911-2010

Alden, the former mayor of the flower bed in his backyard, died of an apparent envelope overdose late Tuesday. Our beloved mosquito whisperer was one of the founding members of the political activist group S.M.M. (Separation of Mouse and Milkshake), and had a starring role in the 1963 play Expired License Plate of a Salesman. Funeral services set for Friday at 3:00 p.m., then it's off to Dumpy's for $3 pitcher night.

June 29, 2010

Home for rent




1 BOXSPRING
1/16 BATH
7 THUMBS

* Within minutes of gravel road 11
* Used in the filming of the 2009 movie Unibrow Camp 6


Open house - July 3 from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
175 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport

June 28, 2010

For sale

Mustard water

* Fresh
* Well-known aphrodisiac


$7/gallon or $.25 for a drop on the tongue
Tommy 555-4669

June 27, 2010

For sale

Sideburns

* Brown
* Mustard clump in left sideburn free with purchase


$6 each or both for $10
Clem 555-1201


** Recently shaved **

"I won't sell you old sideburns, that's my guarantee."

- Clem

June 26, 2010

For sale

Napkin collection

* Over 500 napkins *


$175
Brent 555-2261

For sale

Rice



* Comes with plastic fork, used napkin
* Perfect for rice fights


$.75 per grain or $12 for the entire bowl
Jen 555-2719

June 25, 2010

For sale

T-shirts


- "Pillowcase Eating Contest Champion, 2004"
- Red w/soy sauce stain (*rare*)
- "Bologna Sandwich, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheatre"


$15 each
Maurice 555-4373

Openings

Uncle Morris Movie Theatre
Grand opening!


Summer films:

He's Actually Sam, I Am Dan
Desperately Seeking Breath Mints
Wasp Nests in the Outfield



Documentaries

Toenail Clipping: Interrupted
Renting Being John Malkovich



Uncle Morris - 400 Canifer Street, West Plumptin

June 24, 2010

For sale

Wendell Shay autographed tube of acne cream




$750
Ron 555-8998

June 23, 2010

For sale

Envelope


* White
* Used once (birthday card from Uncle Ivan, April, 2010)
* 1/2 mailbox flag free with purchase


$2
Troy 555-2122

TV Listings

Check out WDER'S new Wednesday lineup!

REALITY TV

So, You Think You Can Finish This Bowl Of Spaghetti? - 8:00 p.m.
Arnold is sent home after the judges catch him hiding spaghetti under his hat.

Hold Your Breath - 9:00 p.m.
The orange team holds their breath for nearly six minutes, breaking the record from season 3.

Bowling Wives - 10:00 p.m.
Cassandra spends all of Mike's Blast! Cola Open winnings on a new forehead, and a fist fight in lane six between the wives spills into lane seven, ruining Bruno's perfect game.


MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.

How Father Ernie Got His Pews Back



6:20 a.m. - Recovering from the loss of a pistachio

June 22, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #664
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* We do not soak the hamburger buns in lukewarm water
* Please stop accepting golf pencils as currency
* Our drive thru does not offer free toenail clipping


June 24, 3:00 p.m.

June 21, 2010

Openings

The Pet Place
Grand re-opening

"We finally got the crocodile to leave, ya'll!"

All-new:

* Penguin obedience classes begin July 1
* Free caterpillar adoption Thursdays
* "Poopy Parlor" open ("Peepee Palace" coming September, 2010)
* Bird seed guns now available


The Pet Place - 450 Kaynesport-Plumptin Interchange, off Highway Murray

June 20, 2010

For sale

June car payment

* $187
* Was due June 2
* $25 late fee free with purchase
* Interesting trades for animal crackers considered


$120
Jake 555-2200

June 19, 2010

For sale

Used video games

Shampoo Man
Apple Thief 2010
Flag Football: National Championship
Shampoo Man vs. Australia



$4 each
Kevin 555-4488

June 18, 2010

Home for rent



0 BR
6 BATH

* Within minutes of Dirt Road 7
* Half bottle of ketchup free with rental
* Used in the filming of the 2006 movie Armadillo Schoolhouse


7066 Berman Alley, Kaynesport

$85/month
Gary & Maureen 555-1616

June 17, 2010

Meetings

Pat's Pizza
June meeting


On the agenda:

* An olive is not a weapon
* Please stop accepting photographs of dollar bills as currency
* The pine cone pizza is no longer on the menu


June 19, 12:00 p.m.

June 16, 2010

For sale

Bumper stickers


"Penguin On Board"
"How's My Marble Throwing?"
"End Self-Pinching By 2040"
"My Child Left His Lunchbox at Huntington Elementary"


$3 each
Xavier 555-3425

For sale

Lettuce

* Greenish-brown with a lot of character
* Perfect for lettuce wars
* Comes with two used napkins


$6
Ron 555-8784

June 15, 2010

For sale

Old domain names


www.kaynesportpossumsbaseball.com
www.allaboutmyshinsplints.blogspot.com
www.isthatkittypee.com
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/nerdydancing
www.firesaxophonistgary.net
www.celebrityanklesprains.blogspot.com
www.namesigavemydandruff.com
www.derwoodcollege/intercollegiateathletics_salamitoss
www.tonysivemet.net/tonyniprio


$8 each
Bobby 555-2323

June 14, 2010

For sale

Paper towel

* Brand new
* Perfect for a paper towel hat
* Two corn niblets free with purchase


$2
Kirk  555-8223

Police report



Kenton Vance
Age: 32
Pants: No
Sandwich in pocket: Chopped slippers with mayo

June 13 - Mr. Vance was arrested for impersonating a globe. Beverly Khan, the alleged victim, called the authorities saying Mr. Vance had become violent after she refused to point out Australia.


Previous arrests:

January 2, 2007 - Taken into police custody for failure to remove his stirrups, salami belt and watermelon helmet in a government building.

August 24, 2001 - Felony hiccup-and-run

November 16, 1999 - Found in possession of more than 500 caterpillar legs with intent to distribute


VANCE, KENTON
Bail: $9

For sale

RufusBreath-brand dog food



* Recommended by 1 out of 5 men named Doug
* Perfect for dog food fights


5 for $1 or all 44 for $6
Doug 555-1221

June 13, 2010

For sale

Arnold

* Bad cough
* Comes with several barbecue sauce stains
* Former hiccup salesman (1997-2003)
* Starred in the 2008 documentary Finding Arnold's Sneakers


$150 or best offer
Darlene 555-6761

June 12, 2010

For sale

Toast

* Four pieces available
* Interesting trades for un-toasted bread considered


$.50 each or $1.75 for all four
Kenneth 555-9227

For sale

Murray "Paper Towel Man" Hadler autographed paper towel



* Hadler's sweatshirt & left pinky finger free with purchase *


$300
Carl 555-9010

June 11, 2010

For sale

Van

* 337,000 miles
* Brand-new windshield wipers made of celery
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Van Swap
* Dead mouse underneath passenger seat free with purchase


$750
Corey 555-8885

June 10, 2010

Services

Air vocal lessons available

* Professional air vocalist with over 20 years experience
* Free toupee-top concert at end of lessons
* Peanut shells accepted as currency


Call for rates
Clara 555-0091

Bobby Birthday T-Shirts Now Available™




DS, 2H, L, CSL, XCSL
$10


email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

June 9, 2010

For sale

VHS


No Country for Old Yogurt
The Phantom of the Piano Recital
Leave Bill Alone
The Men who Stare at Ceiling Fans



$4 each
Cassandra 555-4636

June 8, 2010

For sale

Costumes


* Lettuce Man (w/out ranch utility belt)
* Flying Potato
* Wendell (1970s version with edible bow tie)

$10 each


Also available: Colonel Hiccup nose warmers

25 for $1


Beth 555-1886

June 7, 2010

Bathroom items for sale



Q-tip

* Used
* Comes with wax/blood combo (rare)
* Perfect for Q-tip fights

$5


Toilet paper roll

$4

* Toilet paper sold separately *


Hurry, Frank is interested
Evan 555-8760

June 6, 2010

Meetings

Overpay Grocery Store
Staff Meeting


Items to discuss:

* The customers are not allowed to trade elderly family members for produce
* Please stop accepting goldfish food as currency
* We are no longer selling the following magazines: Emaciated Male, Hiccup Sports For Kids, Pinch & Flee


June 8, 10:00 a.m.

June 5, 2010

Openings

Braybush Bank
Grand re-opening

"We got the rancid mayonnaise smell out, ya'll!"

Now with:

* Direct toenail deposit
* Wheelbarrow equity loans
* Free Grabbing & Hoarding savings accounts


** Raccoon-friendly **


Braybush Bank - 400 Peesley Circle, Kaynesport

June 4, 2010

For sale

Turkey sandwich

* One-third already eaten
* Lipstick on crust (rare)
* Interesting trades for shoelaces considered


$8
Linda 555-4176

June 3, 2010

For sale

Used books


War and Applesauce - Brevin Gallagher
My Flying Potato Fantasies - Beth Wheatford
The Encyclopedia of Misshapen Ice Cubes - Chocolate House Publishing


$6 each
Charlie 555-3005

June 2, 2010

For sale

Ernie




He was the best butterfly a boy could want, but that was a long time ago. Now he just sits there all day and we barely speak to each other. It's time for him to get a fresh start on life, and I need to come clean with him about the caterpillar I've been seeing.


$27 or best offer
Vance 555-2111

Bobby Turns 2

June 1, 2010

Services

Quintin, Brazzby & Herera Law Offices

* Possession of canary feathers with intent to distribute
* Sneeze and Run
* Misappropriation of giraffe ears
* Receiving stolen foreheads
* Impersonating an artichoke


Call for rates and availability
555-5719

Goldfish for sale

Bernard

* Acquired in a trade for a salamander (Ernie): January, 2008
* Dead since 12:03 a.m.
* Perfect for a goldfish fights and/or goldfish sandwich


$1
Tory 555-8228