January 31, 2010

For sale

Bulk fortune cookies

Top sellers:

"You will be approached by a hysterical aardvark"
"An unexpected toe nail will resurface"
"A chance encounter with a taco will bring you luck"
"Be patient, one day your goldfish will speak"


Call for prices
Arnie 555-7997


* Cookie pieces (no messages) .15 each

January 30, 2010

Openings

Fern's Pawn Shop
Grand opening




We buy:

* Snowwalrus
* Vintage cantaloupe
* Rubber knees
* Wallys
* Used paper towels
* Ravioli earmuffs
* Armpit art


Fern's - 358 Olly Street, Velchy City

January 29, 2010

Events

Rosa! is coming to the Kaynesport Amphitheatre



Hear Rosa! sing all her hits:

Soakin' in Salsa (Without You)
Take Another Little Piece of my Thumb
Go kart wrecker
You Sneezed on Me
Under the Fridge
You Give Goldfish a Bad Name



Get your tickets now

* Reserved seating - $65
* Mashed potato pit - $40
* Inner tube rentals (general admission) - $5


February 20, 8:00 p.m.
Opening act: Paper Clipz

January 28, 2010

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SWM, 36. I haven't dated much since The Dressing Room Incident, but I'm ready to get back in that wheelbarrow. Call me, we can try to teach my turtle, Bradley how to dance and see where it goes from there.

Bryce box 25419


Let's make a me sandwich. You bring a girlfriend and the pastrami, I'll bring the giant lettuce.

Keyton box 77180


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I have my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on the small of my back. His name is Meat.

Looking for a man named Meat or Demeatri.

Tammy box 88355

January 27, 2010

Meetings

Nose Pickers Anonymous
February meeting


Items to discuss:

* That's not your nose
* If you're going to pick someone else's nose, ask first
* Only use your thumb if it's absolutely necessary


February 2, 3:30 p.m.

* Come early to help us say goodbye to our long-time mascot, Nostril Nick

Child for sale

Vance Jr.
Age: 7

Pluses: Gives wet willies at a 2nd grade level
Minuses: Left ear nearly twice as big as right
Favorite game: Wheelbarrow dives off the roof
Stuck in hair: fettuccine noodle, 1/2 glue stick
Favorite food: Sugar-covered ice cubes


$200 or best offer
Vance and Iris 555-6610

January 26, 2010

For sale

Used breakfast cereals

* More than 50% remaining in all boxes *

- Sugar Bricks
- Asparagus Flakes
- Unibrow Man Crunch (w/forehead treasure map)
- Staple O's
- Turnip Clusters


$2 each
Wally 555-5992

Home for sale



* A fixer-upper in the heart of the rabid squirrel district *

1 BR
1/8 BATH
1 WASP CAVE

- Wood door added October, 2009
- Comes with seven truck tires and a VHS copy of the 1994 film Make 'Em Eat Bandaids
- Pine straw roof includes several owl traps


Open house is January 31, 2:30 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.
9050 McErnwick Crossing, Untzletown

January 25, 2010

WANTED

Gern Aldrich
Age: 31

Wanted for kidnapping a doughnut and attempting to replace its jelly center with harmonica sheet music. Mr. Aldrich was seen exiting the 19th Street Dudley's with the doughnut, a grandfather (Wayne) on a leash and a copy of Marvin Chenkoff's novel The Idiot's Guide to the Salt Bagel. Mr. Aldrich is also wanted for selling counterfeit cat whiskers. He is considered suspendered and eyebrowless.

If you have any information, please call the Kaynesport Sheriff's department 555-1004



Aldrich (artist's rendering)

For sale

Worms




* Andy, Merle, Beatrice, Xavier, Little Paco & Evander

$1 each or $5 for all six
Margeret 555-4664

January 24, 2010

For sale

Domain names for sale

www.facialhaircollectables.com
www.eggsronhasdropped.blogspot.com
www.ploopcollege.edu/oncampussearch/waterfountains
www.nationalfederationofdoofus.com
www.firecashierbrenda.com
www.whatdidistepin.com
www.asparagusjewlery.blogspot.com
www.firedelimanagerbert.com
www.westkaynesporthobos/screamingpete
www.mustardwatertestimonials.com


$10 each
Ron 555-1301

Meetings

Ivan and the Inappropriate
Band meeting

On the agenda:

* We can't keep letting the audience decide when the songs should end
* Nothing rhymes with "spinach"
* Our performances at Poo Fest '09: which one went right, which one went wrong


January 25, 2:00 p.m. at our new rehearsal space

January 23, 2010

Events

Meetings

Remaining Spiders Together
Emergency meeting


On the agenda:

* Who ate Sam?


January 24, 8:00 a.m. on the McGregors' patio

January 22, 2010

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's kick the crazy out of you"


* Fear of Pauls
* The voices inside your sneakers
* I hate my landscaper's haircut
* Inadequacy in the laundry room
* My neck tie comes to life and strangles me to death
* Salt and pepper shaker tattoo regret
* Toll booth anxiety


Call for rates and availability
Lauren 555-3443

For sale



Gary Ungerdale autographed napkin


$500
Mindy 555-7111

Announcements

The Plumptin County 35+ travel softball team has been selected!




Players who made the final cut:

* Returning player

1. Yert Jimson*
2. Charlie Teeth
3. Preston Bosworth
4. Monty Paddock*
5. Nostril Dawson
6. Pete Schutz
7. Murray Paddock*
8. Fernando
9. Z'Ondrae Benson
10. Mookie Morris*
11. Eefis Pepperly*
12. Roberto Quinones*
13. Whiskers O'Shea
14. Noodles Tiso

First practice: February 4, 6:00 p.m.

January 21, 2010

Openings




Derwood's Diner - 23 Mertingly Street, South Kaynesport

Staff news

January 21

Hired - Candace Ross, advertising
Ross joins the staff after spending the last seven years as an advertising executive at Blind Salami Inc. The 37-year old was the creator of the I Drank the Whole Thing dishwashing detergent ads of the late-1990s, starring little Ronnie Mitchell, and the Ebeneezer's Tweezers Death of Unibrow Man ads during the 2004 Salad Olympics.

Fired - Julius Brewster
Brewster was let go after Classifieds' security confiscated from him two penguins and several sheets of college ruled notebook paper. Hired in October, 2008 as an intern, Brewster was promoted to staff writer in May, 2009 after his essay "Idealist on Raccoon Rights" won the Predmore Prize.

Deceased - Pepe
Staff goldfish died of accidental drowning.

Rorys for sale

* For limited time, all Rorys 75% off *

- Over 22,000 in stock
- Interesting trades for K'Ontays considered


$250 each
RoryCorp 555-0018

January 20, 2010

January 19, 2010

Meetings

Mayo King Fast Food - Store #77
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Friday's 2nd annual flag football game against the Ketchup Hut: this year, everyone must bring their own pants and shoes
* The firing and re-hiring of backdoor lookout, Marvin
* Bathroom breaks: whatever happens, do not take it with you
* A customer's jacket pocket is not an acceptable place for to-go food


January 20, 9:00 a.m. at downtown corporate office

Castle for sale



43 BR
22 BATH
1 "MY FIRST BUCKLER" BIB

* Used during the Battle on Wheelbarrow Hill (1991-1996)
* Pinch Torture room added December, 2009


Open house: January 23, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
1 Tower Street, Nostrilvania

January 18, 2010

Comic

For sale

Used books


The Six Turtles of Henry VIII - Colton Shouse
The Mort Leonard Bible (new version) - Mort Leonard
Devil Wears Knee Brace - Vanessa Franks
The Idiot's Guide to Guacamole Art - Brandon Yersley, editor
Build a Better You (with the discarded parts of others) - Jole Austeer


$10 each
Tina 555-7890

January 17, 2010

TV listings

Check out WDER's late-night Sunday lineup


REALITY TV

Bad Dairy Club
- 10:00 p.m.
The ricotta cries over spilled sour milk and during an intervention the gorgonzola gets up and walks out of the refrigerator.

I Want to Make Ditty-Bop's Sandwich - 10:30 p.m.
Ditty-Bop lectures the contestants on the dangers of mustard water.


Late Night Movie Double Feature

Glove Compartment of a Salesman - 11:00 p.m.
Cat Crap on a Cold Marble Floor - 12:30 a.m.



4:55 a.m. - Recovering from the loss of one or more eggplant

For sale

Rare tire



* Black with squirrel/Wayne blood
* Engaged to garden hose (June, 2009)
* Six worms free with purchase


$17
Paul 555-7661

January 16, 2010

Openings

Wilson's Grocery
Grand opening!



"Putting the 'stale' back in 'grocery store estaleblishment'"


January specials:

* Gary feet - 2 for $20
* Bag soups:

- Cream of Paul Carlson
- Raccoon Gumbo

* Ankle flakes
cup $2
bowl $4

* Leg of table - $7.99/pound
* Wilson - $40 or best offer

Plus:
Chew-off lottery tickets now available!


Wilson's - 901 Haynejernk Street, Kaynesport

January 15, 2010

For sale

Bandaid collection

* Over 5,000 *

- Used
- 25 Howdy Possum available (rare)
- Interesting trades for napkins considered


$450 for entire collection
Bridgette 555-5383

January 14, 2010

Children for sale

Jasmine
Age: 15
Favorite phrase: LEA RFMOL SPP!
Significant other: Qwayshon (9 days)
Special skills: none


D'Andre
Age: 5
Favorite game: Climb on roof, try to catch birds
Special skills: Pinches at a 1st grade level
Mortal enemy: The monster in the garbage disposal


$150 each or both for $275
Roderick & Cora 555-3346

Comic

Destinations

Visit Exit 90 in downtown Goober City!




Also check out:

* The childhood home of three-time Bernie Wheeler look-alike contest runner-up, Jed Barnhill
* The original International House of Shoelaces (19th Street)
* Modern Sneezer magazine corporate headquarters

January 13, 2010

Casting call

The Dertherwood Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Ernie Lives!


- Nostril Pete
- Nectarine Avenger/Nectarine Avenger alter ego Niles Wilson
- Giant Ernie
- Paper clip historian
- Mrs. Vanderells
- Dream Sebastian
- Voice of singing hedge trimmer
- Mashed potato art dealer, Quinn Dierdorff
- Evil Veronica


** We're also looking for someone who can talk a man down from a mountain of tires **


Auditions are from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. on January 22 at our new home (825 Rainbow Lane, West Plumptin)

January 12, 2010

Letter from the editor




Staff janitor Marty is recovering nicely from his recent acorn overdose. We appreciate all of the get-well eyelashes. The 6th annual "What's That Smell? Festival" was a huge success and here are this year's grand-prize winners: Cavonshay, Morris, Ruru and Ernie Jr.


- Derwood Morris

Services

Ready to start the countdown to 2011?

Begins January 25 at 1:00 p.m. at my place: 410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport.


Joe Maglio

January 11, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Licorice Wig Maker (July, 2005; November, 2005)
Fire Ant Collector (January, 1999)
Journal of Modern American Leg Cramps (Special 'Calves of Cole County' pull-out poster-October, 2002)
Baniqua (May, 1997; December, 1997; March, 1998)
Flashlight & Battery (February, 2008)


$2 each
Barry 555-8175

January 10, 2010

Services

Femp, Jannick and Featherman
Attorneys-at-law

"For the two-nostriled, not the nostriless"


* Egg roll custody
* Misappropriation of Marlenes
* Impersonating a police radio
* Stalking celery
* Possession of raccoon feet with intent to distribute
* Obstruction of Jud Stish
* Reckless humming
* Hiccup and Run


555-4404

Announcements




The city of Kaynesport is celebrating our Twicentennial
2008-2010

January 9, 2010

Missing




Bram Ferguson
Missing since: November 6, 2009
Last seen: on Ferguson/Feathers campaign trail
Traveling by: covered wheelbarrow
Fake: ears; limp

* May be in possession of a stolen goldfish (Walt) *


If found, please call Beverly 555-1319

January 8, 2010

Meetings

Marty's Bagels - Store #73
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Why our pinecone cream cheese isn't selling well
* Front-end manager Anthony's S.U.I. (schmearing under the influence) arrest: where do we go from here
* The "Sideburns of Eugene" sandwich has been taken off the menu


January 11, 11:00 a.m.

Announcements

17th annual Build Your Own Snowman Contest



Derwood Morris - 11th place

January 7, 2010

For sale




Corey
555-2278

January 6, 2010

Hideout for sale




I'd been hiding out here for more than 15 years, mostly running my body part mail order service (Fred's Heads, Etc). The police were tipped off by my mailman, who noticed one day that one of my packages was screaming and another package tore open and "several thousand thumbs came pouring out" (Kaynesport Observer, November 17, 2009). So I'm going away for a while, but my former hide out is perfect for an escaped convict or even a juvenile delinquent who wants to stash a few shopping carts or drink some lawnmower oil.

* Must like mold, possums and the musical group Moldy Possum *


Fred 555-3145
After January 8: Sherman-Kurksher Reality 555-1642

January 5, 2010

Services

Advice Man for hire

"Bossing people around since 2003"


* Soy sauce is not an acceptable substitute for unleaded gasoline
* Jean shorts with pictures of watermelon on the back pockets? No.
* Bringing a wool hat and scarf into the shower
* Not everyone likes having their coughs video taped and critiqued
* Don't put coleslaw in your root beer
* Only fall asleep on your own roof
* You smell it, you bought it


Call for rates and availability
Larry 555-8845

Meetings

Friends of Mitch Richardson
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* Mitch's new elbow implants
* Who is driving Mitch's grandfather, Sal to his Remaining Sals Together meeting, January 9?
* F.M.R. Flashback: July 10, 2004-the day we met Rich Mitcherson


Edible envelopes: Jill


January 7, 7:00 p.m. inside box car 9

January 4, 2010

Murrays for sale

* More than 500 available *

- January special: buy one cast member of the hit reality TV show Murray House, get a second free
- Interesting trades for Herberts considered
- Murray Cole's knee brace sold seperately


Call for prices
555-0919

For rent



0 BR
0 BATH
1 AUNT HARRIET

* Site of 1990 and 1994 Pinch Olympics
* Former home of serial staple remover Lawrence Clemons


Open house - January 8 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
355 Deki Way, Kaynesport

January 3, 2010

Comic

Announcements

Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

January entries:


"Love Affair"
by Iris Bernstein



"Mustard Shield with Leaves of Toothpick"
by Oscar Rainbow


* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter February's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

December, 2009 winner: "Hobo Nightmare"

Cat for sale

Gigi
Age: 4

Mortal enemy: ceiling fan shadows
Favorite food: cocktail sauce & paper clips
Breath smell: rotten slugs

* Shedding eight hairs/minute (No. 4 nationally among neutered)


$40
Valerie 555-7771

January 2, 2010

Obituaries

Klevin Washington (1919-2010)
Founding member of the political activist group S.O.T.T. (Separation of Toenail & Tea), Mr. Washington died doing what he loved: mowing his kitchen floor. In 1995, opened a dresser drawer for under-privileged chinos. Survived by his pet ant, Murray.


Sharon Appling (1920-2010)
Starred in the 1986 musical Eye Patches On Ice. Organized the 2002-2003 Appling Family Bath Tub Boycotts, helping coin the phrase "we won't bathe 'till the water's changed". Played saxophone in the musical group Mayonnaise Face. Funeral services set for January 5 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jo Jo's for $1 Wing Night.

TV listings

WDOO's Saturday lineup


REALITY TV

So, you think you can sneeze? - 7:00 p.m.
Rodney has trouble putting together consecutive sneezes and Penelope is caught with the pepper shaker and can't advance to the next round.

Lenny Island - 8:00 p.m.
The orange team is eliminated after judges find out Lenny Fedorov's real name is Yegor. Plus: the yellow team forgets where they buried Lenny Corcoran.

Will someone go on a date with my sister? - 9:00 p.m.
While celebrating a hole-in-one on her miniature golf date with D'Andre, Sara farts twice.


Movie Night Double Feature

Gravy Expectations - 9:30 p.m.
The Cruller Purple - 11:00 p.m.



6:10 a.m. - Garbage Disposal Historian's Society Hour with Jerome Ivey

January 1, 2010

Comic

For sale

New Year's resolutions

Having trouble coming up with a resolution for 2010? Buy one of mine. Special discounts available for guys named Brandon.


* Lose six ounces of ear fat
* Start giving wheelbarrow rides to less fortunate shopping carts
* Change my name to Cr'Phonso; one month later, stand on a table at a crowded Chinese restaurant and announce that I'm changing back to my original name
* Be a better waver
* Sleep one night in the washing machine
* Perfect my fake yawn
* Meet someone named Ernie
* Wear my rubber eyebrows once a month regardless of the weather
* Open my own grocery store, fill it with nothing but paintings of lettuce
* Convince a stranger to marry a four-pack of ankle socks


$25 each or three for $60
Brandon 555-8818