November 30, 2010

Services

Grem, Fonway & Chessleby Attorneys at Law

* Bologna taunting
* Tire swing foreclosure
* Mailing threatening envelopes
* Hamburger bun cruelty
* C.U.I. (clumbering under the influence)


Call for rates and availability
555-4481

November 29, 2010

Services

Need to name a goldfish?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 28, 2010

Meetings

McLain High School yearbook staff
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* Despite the package of photos that were sent to the office, there's no such thing as the Cigarette Club
* Page 36 update: the ransom letter to Principal Hargrove stays
* Why sophomore Arnold Gafreda is not allowed to pose for his picture with his mailman


November 30, 3:30 p.m.

November 27, 2010

For sale

Piece of salami




$3
Paul 555-8102

November 26, 2010

Meetings

Happy Food Mart - Store #917
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Assessing the damage: Tuesday's burrito fight
* What happened to all of the dental floss?
* What not to sell in the store


November 29, 11:00 a.m.

Meetings

Carlson Family
Post-Thanksgiving meeting


On the agenda:

* Grandpa's "my pants fell down" speech: Q&A
* The gravy bath tub turned out to be a bad idea
* Uncle Lester is still hiding underneath the dining room table


Today, 1:00 p.m. on the back porch

November 25, 2010

Announcements

The mailbox flag-eating contest has been moved to December 17 in the West Annex, Kaynesport.

All competitors please bring your asparagus helmet and a drawing of a cup of water.

- TBC staff

For sale

1/2 can of tuna fish



* Once belonged to my roommate Brendon
* Appeared in the 2010 documentary Tuna Fish Fight


$15 or best offer
Harold 555-5419

November 24, 2010

Closings

The Ernston Valley Times is closing its doors after 97 years

**Come help us celebrate our last night, December 3**


7:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Meatball Hoagie
8:00 p.m. - "EVT Memories" - narrated by copy editor Sandra Mitchell

- Coffee drinking Olympics (Fall, 1981)
- Ronald Bainbridge drops entire tray of potato salad at Christmas party (2001)
- Beth's mother visits the newsroom (February, 2005)

10:00 p.m. - Silent Auction

Some of the items up for bid:

* Publisher Don Corey's "My other fishing pole is a rifle" coffee mug
* Payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly's old nose
* October 7, 1979 issue

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to basement

12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot




Join us December 3 at the Plumptin downtown office - 400 Callaway Circle

November 23, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Mary Kirkland
Winter meeting


Items to discuss:

* Should Mary have played more on her junior varsity basketball team?
* Mary's new brother-in-law, Ernie
* The 2010 Marys: re-counting the vote for Largest Ears



November 27, 6:00 p.m. at Horace Landing apartment complex gazebo

November 22, 2010

For sale

Used protest signs

"Get Out From Underneath My Station Wagon!"
"We Came To The Wrong Protest"
"Guns Don't Kill People, Drinking Laundry Detergent Kills People"


$1 each
Harriet 555-4672

For sale

Cockroach



- Dead since Friday
- Perfect for gluing to people as a practical joke
- Appeared in the 2009 off-Broadway play Cockroach in Coach


$3
Lionel 555-0081

November 21, 2010

For sale

Old domain names

www.westkaynesporthobos.blogspot.com/rockingkurt
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_firewoodtoss
www.moveiscriptmadness.bcm/sixanchoviesofseparation
www.shaniquasiknow.org/shaniquabradley
www.raccoontailcollections.blogspot.com
www.celebrityforeheadrashes.blogspot.com
www.isthathamsterpoo.com


$8 each
Bobby 555-2323

Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Looking for a woman who can help me lure a chipmunk out of a laundry hamper. Must have a recognizable odor.

Chet box 70017



Let's make a Darryl sandwich. You bring the yellow mustard and a guy named Darryl, I'll bring the giant rye bread.

Darryl box 68882


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I need a ride to the nail salon.

Beth box 21121


SWF, age 36. I have my ex-boyfriend's name branded on my right shoulder. His name is Kevin.

Looking for a man named Kevin or Devin.

Samantha box 90606


OTHER

Single, white salt shaker. Empty.

Leroy box 79901

November 20, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Ernie Plink
Fall meeting


On the agenda:

* Ernie Meet & Greet '10 has been postponed due to the theft of more than two dozen lasagna helmets
* Last week's relay race against the Co-Workers of Ernie Plink: what went wrong
* Who is taking Ernie's caterpillar, Darren to his Insects Anonymous meeting, December 2?


November 24, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Cell phone bill

* $167.43 was due by October 7
* Pen (black) to write check free with purchase
* Interesting trades for brand-new cell phones considered


$140 or best offer
Wayne 555-1746

November 19, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #229
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The barbeque sauce drinking contest against the customers has been moved to December 3
* Please stop accepting carpet samples with dollar amounts on them as currency
* Raccoon Melt has been taken off the value menu


Novembber 21, 9:30 a.m.

November 18, 2010

Opportunities

The Leckburg Community Center has several night classes still available.



Pick one that's right for you-


Avoiding Large Trees - 5 seats available
December 3-10; 11-18

* Legendary professor Cole Burkhalter provides the lessons you'll need to stand clear of some of the world's most intimidating trees.


How to Make a Salad - 8 seats available
December 10-17

* Course includes a three-day crouton tutorial.


Reading the Dictionary
- 19 seats available
January 2-8, 2011

* This intensive, seven-day course, taught by Dr. Janice Hemphill, explores man's oldest foe. Breakout sessions include:

- When am I going to get to the W's?
- How come no one in the A's will tell me why the zebra did it?

Prerequisite: Opening the Dictionary


Throwing Things at People and Blaming Someone Else - 10 seats available
January 22-24; 27-29

* Part 2 of Professor Don Mitchell's world-renowned course, which includes:

- Throwing popcorn at the movies: they'll never know
- Your little sister did it



Leckburg Community Center - 805 Browning Circle, Plumptin

November 17, 2010

For sale

T-shirts

* Orange (missing left sleeve)
* Danny and the Uncomfortable-World Tour, 2002
* Flying sticks of butter
* Salad Olympics 1996 (autographed by bronze medalist Ralph Shelley)
* Shoelace Shop 1,000th Customer
* Red w/blue cheese dressing stain


$6 each
Mark 555-8070

November 16, 2010

For sale

VHS

* My husband Terry's Right Said Fred tribute concert in the bath tub (October, 1994)
* I recorded last Saturday's 6:00 p.m. news


Call for pricing list
Hank 555-4481

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!


REALITY TV


Are You Dumber Than Randy?
- 8:00 p.m.
Randy puts on his jacket underneath his dress shirt again.

Who Wants To Marry a Possum? - 9:00 p.m.
Andrea has cold feet because her fiance, Pointy, ate her shoes.

Watch Me Eat Thumb Tacks
- 10:00 p.m.
Team 6 is disqualified for trying to pass off toothpick pieces as thumb tacks, and after a three-hour session a delirious Jeffrey mistakenly puts a thumb tack in his nose and has to spend a night in the paper shredder.


LATE-NIGHT MOVIE

I'll Pray to my Bag of Mustard, Thank You Very Much: The Reverend Timothy Ryan Story - 11:00 p.m.



5:45 a.m. - Pointing at Leaves with Steve

November 15, 2010

Heads for sale

Freezer-wide clearance


1. Left ear bigger than right; mustache with piece of pepperoni stuck in top right corner
2. Tattoos on back of neck: BLESSSED (faded, but still visible); BLESSED
3. Squirrel
4. No eyebrows; bald

$50 each


**November special**

- Body only: 5-7, 137 pounds; brown jacket; no arm hair - $15


Barry 555-4374

November 14, 2010

House for sale



A fixer-upper to die for. Seriously, the last guy who owned the house died fixing it up. You won't die though.

* Caterpillar army free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 film Roof Leak at Tiffany's


$1,400 or best offer
Janice 555-3097


Open house: November 13, 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
410 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport

November 13, 2010

For sale

Softball glove



* Responsible for Plumptin County-record 7 errors in one inning (May, 2001)
* Chocolate syrup stains included with purchase
* Appeared in the 2006 film Field of Hakeems


$16
Eric 555-6833

November 12, 2010

For sale

1/2 bag of potato chips

* Penguin Chips-brand™
* Several finger nail pieces free with purchase
* Interesting trades for apple cores considered


$3
Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2010

For rent

Magazines

Paper Clip Historian's Monthly (June, 2001; July, 2001)
Cardboard Sandwich Maker (February, 1996)
Envelope Trader (September, 2009)
Brussel Sprout Sports For Kids (April, 1995; November, 1995)
Pointing At Lettuce (December, 1983)


$2/hour
Brevin 555-4414

November 10, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #46
November meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not offer psychiatric evaluations at the drive-thru
* We're turning off the milkshake machine until we find Melanie's tooth
* Please stop accepting fish food as currency


November 12, 1:00 p.m.

November 9, 2010

For sale

Electric bill

* $53.79 due, $36.44 due immediately
* Envelope sold separately


Trent 555-4120

November 8, 2010

Services

Amy the Advice Lady for hire

"I must advise you to pay up front."


* Don't put scrambled eggs in your apple juice
* Whatever you find in your belly button, keep it to yourself
* Please don't name your first-born child after a vegetable
* It's not a good idea to mail photographs of your atom's apple to your ex-girlfriends
* There's no reason to go underwear shopping for a hamster


Call for rates and availability
555-2591

November 7, 2010

Letter from the editor



I'm happy to announce the search for Ronald Wesley has ended: he was underneath the sink. Thank you to those who donated raccoons for the search. Just a reminder, the 2010 Celery Olympics has been moved to November 20, and we've just received a conformation that Ernie and the Unapproachable will be performing the national anthem.


- Derwood Morris

Help Wanted

WANTED: TROPHY VANDAL




I'm looking for the person(s) that ripped the golden salamander off of my trophy. All that's left is his sneakers.


If you have any information call Rory: 555-3108

November 6, 2010

Events

Are you a 'the pizza is half-eaten' type of person?



Sign up for the 1st annual We Can Do This! Festival


Check out one of our self-help seminars:


* This glass is half-dirty

* Q&A with Captain Positive


* I shouldn't have come to this festival



Plus: 2010 Smile Fair


"I'm not sure this is going to work."
- Mitch Hamlin, Kaynesport Post


November 20-21, 2010 - Norris County Fairgrounds

November 5, 2010

For sale

Peanut shells

* Over 60 available
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Garrison Family Peanut Fight


$15 for whole collection
Brendon 555-9918

November 4, 2010

Meetings

Car pool to work
Pre-November 7 meeting


November 6 at 3:00 p.m., back seat of Tom's station wagon

For sale

Office supplies for sale


Notepads
Yellow-lined - 5 for $10
Small, white-lined with unicorn stencils - $1 each
Used notepads - .25 each

Calendars
Three-year organizer (red; missing October, 2013) - $6
Baby Possums wall calendar - $25

Business cards
Blank - 100 for $5
Jim Stanicek, CEO, The Chili Shack - $2


Bobby 555-2323

November 3, 2010

Services

Bad Habits Boot Camp

Sign up for one of our weekend sessions
* Father/son special-50% off

November 5-7
*November 12-14
November 19-21
*December 3-5
December 10-12


We'll help you break these habits and more!

* Air/steering wheel drumming
* Armpit hair yanking
* Aggressive pant zippering
* Bug spray digestion
* Fake sneezing
* Uncle shoving
* Boot camp fleeing


$500 per session
Bad Habits Boot Camp 555-2100

Services

Need mirrors looked into?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 2, 2010

Meetings

Save the Water Fountains - Kaynesport Chapter
November meeting

Items to discuss:

* Pouring water bottles out on the customers as they were leaving the convenience store wasn't as effective of a protest as we had hoped
* It has been confirmed: Rodney was hiding under the Helin Morgan Elementary School Hall 7 water fountain
* Our sister organization, Save the Gum in the Water Fountains, has been disbanded


November 4, 9:30 a.m. at headquarters

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Bowling Wives-The Complete Series
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Final Season (w/deleted scenes)
*
Worm Shop - Season 1


$8 each
Angela 555-2611

November 1, 2010

For sale

Used books

Hopscotch Can't Happen Here - Louis Sidney
To Pocket a Mockingbird - Harriet Vance
Lord of the Sighs - Carter Lindon


$5 each
Danielle 555-7007

Free seat

Bus seat


* #17 bus, 14th row aisle seat
* Man next to you is named Seth and will try to sell you one of his socks

Trying to get off at this next stop, so, give me a call


Margaret 555-4911