September 30, 2010

Meetings

Sleepwalkers Anonymous
October meeting


Topics to discuss:

- Who's faking?
- Neighborhoods to stay away from
- Sleep running 101


October 5, 8:00 p.m.

For sale

Dental bill

- $227.43 due
- Napkin autographed by receptionist Diane free with purchase


$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303

** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **

September 29, 2010

Meetings

Men in Refrigerators
Fall meeting


On the agenda:

* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Last week's softball game against the Men Near Microwaves: where in the visitor's dugout did we bury Murray's wallet?


October 2, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Music albums on CD

Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists


$6 each
Harold 555-6891

September 28, 2010

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Toll Booth on the Roof.

- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown


** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **


Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

TV listings

Check out WDOO's new Tuesday lineup!

REALITY TV

America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit. Plus: the judges are impressed with Randall and Jessica's recreation of the play Bread Monsters Invade Salami City.

Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal again and is forced to take a leave of absence.



Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.

Movie of Scenes



6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool

September 27, 2010

For sale

Shampoo gun

* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff shield sold separately


$40
Trevor 555-1181

September 26, 2010

Meetings

Sanjai's Stationery
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath


September 28, 4:00 p.m.

September 25, 2010

For sale

Used books


Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons


$3 each
Jan 555-8100

September 24, 2010

Home for sale



1 BR
6 BATH
2 SALAMI CAPE

* Former headquarters for support groups:

- "Women Named Vanessa" (Kaynesport chapter)
- "Fake Limps Anonymous"

* Grandpa Rob/Grandpa Rob's peanut shell collection (approximately 11,000 shells as of September 22) come with house
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Are You Smellier Than a 3rd Grader?


Open house - October 2 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
4755 Scooner Crossing, East Kaynesport

September 23, 2010

Advertisments

A memo on Glug


Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.

Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.

** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **


Call 555-7881 for free insult

September 22, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Talk to your kids about hot dog ankles, before someone else does.

Call 555-4455 for more information.

Meetings

Plumptin High School 2010 Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting

On the agenda:

* Tuxedos are not allowed to be made out of lasagna sheets no matter what coach Tiso said
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme of this year's dance is not going to be "Plumptin's Plumpest"
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?


September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center

September 21, 2010

For sale

Grocery bill

- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6


$25
Bill 555-7991

** Please, only serious offers **

Openings

Bunky's Used Video Games
Grand opening!



Fall, 2010 top sellers:

Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist



Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin

House for rent



1/9 BR
1 BATH/NUDGING ROOM
1 STEAK SAUCE POOL

* Arm hair collection free with rental agreement (over 1,000 hairs)
* Used in the filming of the 1999 music video Banana in the Mirror


$117/month
Pete 555-3322

September 20, 2010

For sale

Couch



* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase


$40
Brandon 555-6993


* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *

For sale

T-shirts

* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)


$15 each
Brandy 555-8170

September 19, 2010

Services

Air saxophone lessons

* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson


$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617

September 18, 2010

Services

Janice McCullers
Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's punch the loony out of you"

* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room


Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment

September 17, 2010

For sale

VHS


My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid



$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008

September 16, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #117
Fall meeting

On the agenda:

- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
- You don't need to add hot water to the ketchup


September 17, 7:00 p.m.

Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m.

September 15, 2010

Missing pet



Geraldine

* Spider
* Missing since Monday
* Last seen on top of Grandpa Mel's head
* Mashed potatoes/plastic spoon reward if found


555-3301

September 14, 2010

Announcements

Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar

September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson


Call 555-DRUN for tickets

September 13, 2010

Religious visions

I discovered the image of our lord and savior, Rory Barfield, on my tube sock.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.



Artist's Rendering


* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

September 12, 2010

Events

Plumptin Centipedes Semi-pro baseball
Post-season meeting/banquet


Banquet schedule:

6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner

- Various dry noodles
- Water

9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards

* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year

and more!


September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location

September 11, 2010

Obituary

Reginald Callahan
1931-2010

Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.

September 10, 2010

For sale

Arm & hand



* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds


$4
Andy 555-4426

September 9, 2010

Meetings

Cheechio's Restaurant
Server's meeting

Items to discuss:

* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is no longer on the menu


September 12, 3:00 p.m.

September 8, 2010

Announcements

The Kaynesport Pythons 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!

2010 roster:

* returning player

1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*


First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6

* Please bring your own socks *

September 7, 2010

Destinations

Visit the Plunger County Prison & Museum




Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:


**Getaway Cars of the 1990s

Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)


**Solitary Peep Shows

See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:

- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter


Plus:

Lunch tray fights


Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin

September 6, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Randy Attley
September meeting

On the agenda:

- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18


September 9, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Change

- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)


$2
Jeremy 555-3329

* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *

September 5, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest
(July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)


$5 each
Charlene 555-8191

September 4, 2010

Services

Fernz, Gwendy & Capolo Attorneys at Law


* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building


Call 555-3319 for a free consultation

Services

** Morris' Now Available **

- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to


Call 555-5614 for pricing list

September 3, 2010

Openings

Jimmy's Restaurant
Grand re-opening

"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"

New menu items:

- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce


Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport

September 2, 2010

Meetings

Hepsen Valley Youth Football Bulldogs
Team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it


September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3

September 1, 2010

For sale

Domain names for sale

www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com


$20 each
Harry 555-4410

For sale

Stamps

"Pinch Olympics Champions"

* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45

"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"

* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10

"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"

* Rodney - $25


All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444