August 31, 2010

Services

Advice Lady for hire

* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your pants
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower


Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767

August 30, 2010

For sale

Music albums on CD

Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Take Another Little Piece of My Thumb - Rosa
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists


$5 each
Hillary 555-3316

August 29, 2010

Meetings

La Quaranda Hotel
Early-fall staff meeting


On the agenda:

- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop - Q&A
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: where do we go from here?



September 1, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Hair

* Gray
* Interesting trades for hats considered


$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119


** Ask about our dandruff plan **

August 28, 2010

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Emergency meeting


* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?


August 29, 8:00 a.m.


Wheat bread cubes: Samantha

August 27, 2010

For sale

Dontavius Upshaw autographed hot dog bun




$14
Henry  555-8891

August 26, 2010

For sale

Directions for sale

- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building
- Bennie's Liquor & Lunchmeat to the Kaynesport Youth Baseball complex


* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *


$10 each
Mike 555-6614

For sale

1/3 bologna sandwich

* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Bob play set free with purchase
* Mustache hair (1) sold separately


$6
Beth 555-7007

August 25, 2010

Meetings

Fast Stop Convenience Store
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session IV: defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray


August 27, 1:00 p.m.

August 24, 2010

For sale

Used books


Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Ivan Blayshore
Encyclopedia of North American Roof Theft - Chocolate House Publishing
Sneezes of Summer - Ryan Conway
History of Pinecone Wars (1939-1959) - Editor: Charlie Freedman


$6 each
Mallory 555-2101

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.

Trent box 77293


Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).

Mitch box 53802


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.

Connie box 79974


Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).

Mary box 37665

August 23, 2010

For rent

Apartment for rent

1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)

* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Plunger Wars


$130/month
Tony 555-0100

For sale

Kitten ear collection

- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, kitten ear fights


$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491

** Hurry, Danny is interested **

August 22, 2010

Openings

Mort's Motel
Grand re-opening!

** Now rabbit-free **

- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Wheelbarrow Obituaries Weekly with check-in
- Free Barry with room rental


* Rooms starting at $13.99 *

Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport

August 21, 2010

For sale



1/2 cupcake

* Received as compensation for lost cashews (August 17)
* Bite taken by Marv Ledford
* Free with purchase: dead ant (James), used napkin

$4
Wally 555-6029

** Interesting trades for cashews considered **

August 20, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Help us end barbecue sauce spills by 2020.

Call 555-8718 for more information.

For sale

Trumpet



* Used by legendary Bam Baker during 1982 concert at Noodle Fest
* Piece of hamburger in spit valve free with purchase
* Horn chewed on by raccoon (May, 1993)


$125
Kurt 555-2341

August 19, 2010

Services

Save muddy on cabin fare and buy Carl insurance. With owl of a question, it's beanier than any otter's shackle in creeping up on the Joe Zinns.

Shiny Nostril free with raccoon pompom.


Call 555-6886

August 18, 2010

Meetings

Remaining Confident in the Bathroom
Kaynesport Chapter - August meeting

On the agenda:

* You can shave with a toothbrush and brush your teeth with shaving cream, but it's not recommended
* I'm done in the shower, where do I go next?

Plus: Toilet Tutorials with Thomas

- The dangers of the flush-and-flee
- My leg is caught in the toilet: what do I do now?


August 22, 6:00 p.m. at the Aldersons

August 17, 2010

For sale

Ear

* Pierced
* Once belonged to Gary Piersal
* Interesting trades for ankles considered


$8
Paula 555-8716

For sale

Bumper stickers

"My child had his crayons stolen at Olan Elementary"
"How's my sneaker tossing? 555-2669"
"I found Jesus. He was in my shampoo bottle"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking nail polish remover kills people"


$4 each
Everett 555-2669

August 16, 2010

For sale

Lunch meat

* Salami - 7 slices (Sergeant Salami action figure included)
* Roast beef - 3 slices
* Turkey - 1 slice (w/teeth piece & blood - RARE)


$1 each or all 11 for $8
Amanda 555-0106

August 15, 2010

Services

Crayshon, Bigsley & Appermeiher
Attorneys-at-law

* Felony pick-and-run (leaving the scene of a nostril)
* Misdemeanor possession of kangaroo feet
* Attempted lawnmower 1
* Toothbrush impersonation
* Erniewalking
* Illegal marshmallow trade
* S.U.I. (Splenguling under the influence)


Call for free quote
555-4461

August 14, 2010

Openings

Viv's Video Games
Grand opening!




This summer's hottest games now available:

Bologna Boy
Retirement Home: TV Room
Qwuhkick
Beef Stew Fight 2
Grandma Thief
Bologna Boy vs. Las Vegas



Viv's - 680 Wendell Lane, Plumptin

August 13, 2010

Letter from the editor



The finalists for the What's in my Ear? competition have been selected and will be notified by the Bobby's brand-new wheelbarrow courier service. Please stop sending entries. Also, the 4th annual Pinch Fest has been moved to September 3 and we still need judges for the envelope eating contest.

- Derwood

August 12, 2010

For sale

1/2 truck



* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie I, Refrigerator
* Over three pounds of stale yogurt included with purchase

$80
Gregg 555-2391

For sale

VHS


Lasagna Fight 3
Lost in Crustacean
Forget Bob, What About Rob?
Macaroni Pendelton Presents: Deodorant Eating Contest



$3 each
Reggie 555-8817

August 11, 2010

Meetings

Kaynesport Owls 12-year old travel baseball
Team meeting


On the agenda:

* Pet cats have been banned from the dugout
* Burying coach Eddie in sunflower seeds: where do we go from here?
* The following players are no longer allowed to pitch: Michael, Deontay & Tyler


August 13, 1:00 p.m. at field 6

August 10, 2010

For lease

Historic building in downtown Kaynesport for lease



Previous inhabitants:

* Ed's Retail Hair (August, 1999-May, 2010)
* Salad Olympics Training Facility (Winter-Spring, 1998)
* Museum of Ice Cube Trays (March, 1992-December, 1997)
* Ed's Barber Shop (January, 1983-November, 1991)
* M.A.R.N. (Mothers Against Roof Napping) headquarters (June, 1981-December, 1983)
* East Kaynesport chapter of S.O.M.P. (Separation of Motor Oil & Pizza) (January, 1973-April, 1981)


$107/month rent
Harold 555-5481

August 9, 2010

For sale

Gum

- Chewed
- Grape flavored
- Interesting trades for unchewed gum considered

$2
Jay 555-3229

August 8, 2010

Services

Need leftovers eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

$5 bill

* Received in change at Chubby's Bar & Grill (August 7)
* Sneezed on by my nephew, Tyler


$7 or best offer
Dwayne 555-6634

August 7, 2010

Meetings

Pal's Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not have a give a penny take a pack of batteries tray
* What happened after Ernie tried to microwave the bag of potato chips
* Last Wednesday's chimichanga fight with the customers: despite what cashier Louis says, no one won


August 10, 9:00 a.m.

August 6, 2010

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Saturday lineup!

REALITY TV

Drive-thru Manager - 8:00 p.m.

During his weekly state-of-the-onions address, Demarco falls out of the drive-thru window.

Who Wants to Staple Things to a Millionaire? - 9:00 p.m.
Ben staples below the belt and has to spend a night in the filing cabinet.

Breakfast Buffet - 10:00 p.m.
Tammy and Brenda get into another scrambled egg fight. Plus: After being found with pancakes in her purse, Madeline is the first to be sent home.


MOVIE NIGHT - 10:30 p.m.

How Toby got his Ice Cubes Back



5:40 a.m. - Perfecting your air handshake with Marty

August 5, 2010

For sale

Magazines

Mailbox Flag Enthusiast (January, 1999; March, 1999)
Raccoon Romance Writer's Society (Special convention newsletter - May, 2004)
Shopping Cart & Pusher (December, 2007)


$3 each
Tom 555-2917

Cat for sale

Edgar

* Breath smells like rotten cabbage
* Appeared in the 2007 documentary Somebody Empty my Litter Box
* Extra whiskers available by request


$21
Beth 555-9660

August 4, 2010

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
August meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Andrea's father-in-law, Eddie to his Scratchers Anonymous meeting next Monday?
* Andrea's new toe nail polish
* We need chaperones for our September 5 field trip to the spare bedroom


August 6, 7:00 p.m.

August 3, 2010

Home for sale



7 BR
1/2 BATH
1/2 GARAGE DOOR

* Piece of cooked asparagus free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2001 movie Karate Fish


Open house - August 7 from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.
332 Kerr Avenue, Kaynesport

August 2, 2010

Services

Door-to-door food service

Some of my most popular summer items:

* Wrists of Damian (new!)
* Napkin Casserole
* Monkey Knuckle Sampler Platter

Delicious soups:

* Sock
* Cream of Sawdust

Call for pricing list
Wendy 555-5441

August 1, 2010

For sale

Snake



* Eric
* Died July, 2010


$4
Harriet 555-6881