December 31, 2010

Services

Need to coax a mule down from a roof?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2010

Help wanted



My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).


Claire 555-8962


* Free snow also available *

December 29, 2010

For sale

Some of my oldest thoughts for sale at bargain prices.

Make me an offer.


- How long would it take to eat my way out of a yogurt pool? Would I even want to leave?
- Giant carpet samples invade Hardwood Floor City
- Patent lamb chop goggles before Mitch does
- What is that green thing on my forehead?
- I'm discovered as the only Glenn at Gary Fest; county-wide man hunt begins
- The rubber band-eating contest dream


Glenn
555-4317

Services

McCan the Advice Man
For hire


* What happens in the garbage disposal, stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884

December 28, 2010

For sale

2011 calendars

Wall:

* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes

Desk:

* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010

December 27, 2010

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting


Books to discuss:

What to Expect When You're Expecting Head Lice - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary


January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo

For sale

Sunflower seed shells

* Over 5,000 available
* Perfect for burying loved ones


Call for pricing list
Renee  555-7448

For sale

Puppy

- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish


$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)

December 26, 2010

For sale

Brand-new video games


Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab



$15 each
Tito  555-4007

December 25, 2010

Christmas Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.

Call me.

Ron box 81902


Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).

Alan box 80444


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my grandpa Merle again.

Turn ons: real talk about envelopes.

Judy box 63436


OTHER


Tall, green tree. Fake.

Gary box 29910

Meetings

Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale


December 27, 10:00 a.m.

December 24, 2010

Services

Need a shoe walked in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Christmas tree

* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:

- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper


$20
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919

** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **

December 23, 2010

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting


On the agenda:

* "(I Found A) Christmas Rash" has been scratched from the set list
* Whoever has been stealing all of the mailbox flags, please come clean
* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes


Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 22, 2010

For sale

Unleaded gas

- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)

I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.


$24
Terry 555-6119

For sale

Cd singles


Christmas singles:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy
- Peggy Cliff
The Nearly Bald Drummer Man - Carl Kringle

Other:

Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Shoulfish)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Beth Delaney


$4 each
Toby 555-4682

December 21, 2010

Meetings

The Men Under Rachel Orson's Dining Room Table
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Who is driving Rachel's aunt Bethany to her A.P.A. (Ankle Pincher's Anonymous) meeting, January 4?
* The green thing on Rachel's toe: Q&A


December 26, 1:00 p.m.

December 20, 2010

Services

Life coach for hire

Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)


* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital


Call for rates and availability
555-2877

December 19, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

December 18, 2010

For sale

Domain names

mysneezediary.com
coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com
moviescripts.vmd/thegreatesttoweltoeverfold
celebritiescoughing.blogspot.com
blainecollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/mensshoutingatcanopeners
walletkeepers.com/1993northamericanarenatour
goldfisheatingcontests.com/pastchampions_lennypershack
duringtheblackout.wordpress.com/foodundercouch


$8 each
Nadine 555-1002

For sale

Carrots

* Three raw, two cooked available
* Ask about our payment options


Randy  555-8338

December 17, 2010

Events

Kaynesport Blue youth football
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom


Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards

- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off

9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage


Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin

December 16, 2010

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
Winter meeting


Books to discuss:

* War and Salami Breath - Fred Wesley
* My Time Under the Couch - Patricia Gregg
* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz


December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo

Services

Freelance high school guidance counselor for hire


* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119

December 15, 2010

For sale

Couch




- Seats 11 rabbits or 3 humans comfortably
- Half ham sandwich under middle cushion


$70
Pete 555-4558

December 14, 2010

Services

Big gong help the lady love your bedtub show. Urban handsomes boost drying and strengths for Melido.

Test dose free or your money back.


Qwenalikin
555-2010

Meetings

Chuck's Chicken
Staff Meeting


On the agenda:

* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"


December 15, 3:30 p.m.

December 13, 2010

For sale

Soap



* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3


$12
Byron 555-3663

Advertisements




Call 555-3314 to register/free eggplant

December 12, 2010

Services

Advice Man for hire

"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"

* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* Let people blow their own noses
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower
* Don't pour apple sauce into your socks before putting them on


Call for hourly rates
Maxwell 555-3818

December 11, 2010

New Bobby T-Shirts For Sale




$7 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Services

Need furniture sat in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 10, 2010

Obituary

Charles Pickford
1910-2010

The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.

December 9, 2010

For sale

Gas bill

* $73.46 due immediately
* Several envelopes to choose from


$60
Gwen  555-7291


** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **

Meetings

Friends of Matt Nopler
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Untying Nat Moppler and returning him safely to his wheelbarrow gang
* The debut of Nopler Diet has been pushed back to early-February: Q&A


December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2010

For sale

Magazines

Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)


$4 each
Daniel 555-6339

December 7, 2010

Openings

Nelly Deen's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!


New gourmet flavors:

* Roast Beef
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti


Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin

Meetings

Bumbo's Bar & Grill
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency


December 8, 11:00 a.m.

December 6, 2010

Openings

Noodle Paco's Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"

Winter, 2010 movies:

The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids



Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport

December 5, 2010

For sale

Bone



* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life


$22
Eric 555-6629

** Leaves sold separately **

December 4, 2010

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Are you looking at my forehead pimple?
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares


Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010

December 3, 2010

For sale

Used workout videos

Time to Blubbersize! - $7
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10


Sebastian 555-8175

December 2, 2010

Closings

Mejia's Mexican Restaurant is closing its doors after 15 years. Come help us celebrate our last night, December 7.




Final night schedule:

7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Gallego drunk
8:20 p.m. - Special musical performance by Somebody's Nostrils
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:

* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Rory Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot


December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

1/2 roll




$4
Ben 555-4781

December 1, 2010

Services

Rorinson Printing Company


* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Step-Father signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays

And more!


Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County

November 30, 2010

Services

Grem, Fonway & Chessleby Attorneys at Law

* Bologna taunting
* Tire swing foreclosure
* Mailing threatening envelopes
* Hamburger bun cruelty
* C.U.I. (clumbering under the influence)


Call for rates and availability
555-4481

November 29, 2010

Services

Need to name a goldfish?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 28, 2010

Meetings

McLain High School yearbook staff
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* Despite the package of photos that were sent to the office, there's no such thing as the Cigarette Club
* Page 36 update: the ransom letter to Principal Hargrove stays
* Why sophomore Arnold Gafreda is not allowed to pose for his picture with his mailman


November 30, 3:30 p.m.

November 27, 2010

For sale

Piece of salami




$3
Paul 555-8102

November 26, 2010

Meetings

Happy Food Mart - Store #917
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Assessing the damage: Tuesday's burrito fight
* What happened to all of the dental floss?
* What not to sell in the store


November 29, 11:00 a.m.

Meetings

Carlson Family
Post-Thanksgiving meeting


On the agenda:

* Grandpa's "my pants fell down" speech: Q&A
* The gravy bath tub turned out to be a bad idea
* Uncle Lester is still hiding underneath the dining room table


Today, 1:00 p.m. on the back porch

November 25, 2010

Announcements

The mailbox flag-eating contest has been moved to December 17 in the West Annex, Kaynesport.

All competitors please bring your asparagus helmet and a drawing of a cup of water.

- TBC staff

For sale

1/2 can of tuna fish



* Once belonged to my roommate Brendon
* Appeared in the 2010 documentary Tuna Fish Fight


$15 or best offer
Harold 555-5419

November 24, 2010

Closings

The Ernston Valley Times is closing its doors after 97 years

**Come help us celebrate our last night, December 3**


7:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Meatball Hoagie
8:00 p.m. - "EVT Memories" - narrated by copy editor Sandra Mitchell

- Coffee drinking Olympics (Fall, 1981)
- Ronald Bainbridge drops entire tray of potato salad at Christmas party (2001)
- Beth's mother visits the newsroom (February, 2005)

10:00 p.m. - Silent Auction

Some of the items up for bid:

* Publisher Don Corey's "My other fishing pole is a rifle" coffee mug
* Payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly's old nose
* October 7, 1979 issue

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to basement

12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot




Join us December 3 at the Plumptin downtown office - 400 Callaway Circle

November 23, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Mary Kirkland
Winter meeting


Items to discuss:

* Should Mary have played more on her junior varsity basketball team?
* Mary's new brother-in-law, Ernie
* The 2010 Marys: re-counting the vote for Largest Ears



November 27, 6:00 p.m. at Horace Landing apartment complex gazebo

November 22, 2010

For sale

Used protest signs

"Get Out From Underneath My Station Wagon!"
"We Came To The Wrong Protest"
"Guns Don't Kill People, Drinking Laundry Detergent Kills People"


$1 each
Harriet 555-4672

For sale

Cockroach



- Dead since Friday
- Perfect for gluing to people as a practical joke
- Appeared in the 2009 off-Broadway play Cockroach in Coach


$3
Lionel 555-0081

November 21, 2010

For sale

Old domain names

www.westkaynesporthobos.blogspot.com/rockingkurt
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_firewoodtoss
www.moveiscriptmadness.bcm/sixanchoviesofseparation
www.shaniquasiknow.org/shaniquabradley
www.raccoontailcollections.blogspot.com
www.celebrityforeheadrashes.blogspot.com
www.isthathamsterpoo.com


$8 each
Bobby 555-2323

Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Looking for a woman who can help me lure a chipmunk out of a laundry hamper. Must have a recognizable odor.

Chet box 70017



Let's make a Darryl sandwich. You bring the yellow mustard and a guy named Darryl, I'll bring the giant rye bread.

Darryl box 68882


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I need a ride to the nail salon.

Beth box 21121


SWF, age 36. I have my ex-boyfriend's name branded on my right shoulder. His name is Kevin.

Looking for a man named Kevin or Devin.

Samantha box 90606


OTHER

Single, white salt shaker. Empty.

Leroy box 79901

November 20, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Ernie Plink
Fall meeting


On the agenda:

* Ernie Meet & Greet '10 has been postponed due to the theft of more than two dozen lasagna helmets
* Last week's relay race against the Co-Workers of Ernie Plink: what went wrong
* Who is taking Ernie's caterpillar, Darren to his Insects Anonymous meeting, December 2?


November 24, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Cell phone bill

* $167.43 was due by October 7
* Pen (black) to write check free with purchase
* Interesting trades for brand-new cell phones considered


$140 or best offer
Wayne 555-1746

November 19, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #229
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The barbeque sauce drinking contest against the customers has been moved to December 3
* Please stop accepting carpet samples with dollar amounts on them as currency
* Raccoon Melt has been taken off the value menu


Novembber 21, 9:30 a.m.

November 18, 2010

Opportunities

The Leckburg Community Center has several night classes still available.



Pick one that's right for you-


Avoiding Large Trees - 5 seats available
December 3-10; 11-18

* Legendary professor Cole Burkhalter provides the lessons you'll need to stand clear of some of the world's most intimidating trees.


How to Make a Salad - 8 seats available
December 10-17

* Course includes a three-day crouton tutorial.


Reading the Dictionary
- 19 seats available
January 2-8, 2011

* This intensive, seven-day course, taught by Dr. Janice Hemphill, explores man's oldest foe. Breakout sessions include:

- When am I going to get to the W's?
- How come no one in the A's will tell me why the zebra did it?

Prerequisite: Opening the Dictionary


Throwing Things at People and Blaming Someone Else - 10 seats available
January 22-24; 27-29

* Part 2 of Professor Don Mitchell's world-renowned course, which includes:

- Throwing popcorn at the movies: they'll never know
- Your little sister did it



Leckburg Community Center - 805 Browning Circle, Plumptin

November 17, 2010

For sale

T-shirts

* Orange (missing left sleeve)
* Danny and the Uncomfortable-World Tour, 2002
* Flying sticks of butter
* Salad Olympics 1996 (autographed by bronze medalist Ralph Shelley)
* Shoelace Shop 1,000th Customer
* Red w/blue cheese dressing stain


$6 each
Mark 555-8070

November 16, 2010

For sale

VHS

* My husband Terry's Right Said Fred tribute concert in the bath tub (October, 1994)
* I recorded last Saturday's 6:00 p.m. news


Call for pricing list
Hank 555-4481

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!


REALITY TV


Are You Dumber Than Randy?
- 8:00 p.m.
Randy puts on his jacket underneath his dress shirt again.

Who Wants To Marry a Possum? - 9:00 p.m.
Andrea has cold feet because her fiance, Pointy, ate her shoes.

Watch Me Eat Thumb Tacks
- 10:00 p.m.
Team 6 is disqualified for trying to pass off toothpick pieces as thumb tacks, and after a three-hour session a delirious Jeffrey mistakenly puts a thumb tack in his nose and has to spend a night in the paper shredder.


LATE-NIGHT MOVIE

I'll Pray to my Bag of Mustard, Thank You Very Much: The Reverend Timothy Ryan Story - 11:00 p.m.



5:45 a.m. - Pointing at Leaves with Steve

November 15, 2010

Heads for sale

Freezer-wide clearance


1. Left ear bigger than right; mustache with piece of pepperoni stuck in top right corner
2. Tattoos on back of neck: BLESSSED (faded, but still visible); BLESSED
3. Squirrel
4. No eyebrows; bald

$50 each


**November special**

- Body only: 5-7, 137 pounds; brown jacket; no arm hair - $15


Barry 555-4374

November 14, 2010

House for sale



A fixer-upper to die for. Seriously, the last guy who owned the house died fixing it up. You won't die though.

* Caterpillar army free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 film Roof Leak at Tiffany's


$1,400 or best offer
Janice 555-3097


Open house: November 13, 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
410 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport

November 13, 2010

For sale

Softball glove



* Responsible for Plumptin County-record 7 errors in one inning (May, 2001)
* Chocolate syrup stains included with purchase
* Appeared in the 2006 film Field of Hakeems


$16
Eric 555-6833

November 12, 2010

For sale

1/2 bag of potato chips

* Penguin Chips-brand™
* Several finger nail pieces free with purchase
* Interesting trades for apple cores considered


$3
Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2010

For rent

Magazines

Paper Clip Historian's Monthly (June, 2001; July, 2001)
Cardboard Sandwich Maker (February, 1996)
Envelope Trader (September, 2009)
Brussel Sprout Sports For Kids (April, 1995; November, 1995)
Pointing At Lettuce (December, 1983)


$2/hour
Brevin 555-4414

November 10, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #46
November meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not offer psychiatric evaluations at the drive-thru
* We're turning off the milkshake machine until we find Melanie's tooth
* Please stop accepting fish food as currency


November 12, 1:00 p.m.

November 9, 2010

For sale

Electric bill

* $53.79 due, $36.44 due immediately
* Envelope sold separately


Trent 555-4120

November 8, 2010

Services

Amy the Advice Lady for hire

"I must advise you to pay up front."


* Don't put scrambled eggs in your apple juice
* Whatever you find in your belly button, keep it to yourself
* Please don't name your first-born child after a vegetable
* It's not a good idea to mail photographs of your atom's apple to your ex-girlfriends
* There's no reason to go underwear shopping for a hamster


Call for rates and availability
555-2591

November 7, 2010

Letter from the editor



I'm happy to announce the search for Ronald Wesley has ended: he was underneath the sink. Thank you to those who donated raccoons for the search. Just a reminder, the 2010 Celery Olympics has been moved to November 20, and we've just received a conformation that Ernie and the Unapproachable will be performing the national anthem.


- Derwood Morris

Help Wanted

WANTED: TROPHY VANDAL




I'm looking for the person(s) that ripped the golden salamander off of my trophy. All that's left is his sneakers.


If you have any information call Rory: 555-3108

November 6, 2010

Events

Are you a 'the pizza is half-eaten' type of person?



Sign up for the 1st annual We Can Do This! Festival


Check out one of our self-help seminars:


* This glass is half-dirty

* Q&A with Captain Positive


* I shouldn't have come to this festival



Plus: 2010 Smile Fair


"I'm not sure this is going to work."
- Mitch Hamlin, Kaynesport Post


November 20-21, 2010 - Norris County Fairgrounds

November 5, 2010

For sale

Peanut shells

* Over 60 available
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Garrison Family Peanut Fight


$15 for whole collection
Brendon 555-9918

November 4, 2010

Meetings

Car pool to work
Pre-November 7 meeting


November 6 at 3:00 p.m., back seat of Tom's station wagon

For sale

Office supplies for sale


Notepads
Yellow-lined - 5 for $10
Small, white-lined with unicorn stencils - $1 each
Used notepads - .25 each

Calendars
Three-year organizer (red; missing October, 2013) - $6
Baby Possums wall calendar - $25

Business cards
Blank - 100 for $5
Jim Stanicek, CEO, The Chili Shack - $2


Bobby 555-2323

November 3, 2010

Services

Bad Habits Boot Camp

Sign up for one of our weekend sessions
* Father/son special-50% off

November 5-7
*November 12-14
November 19-21
*December 3-5
December 10-12


We'll help you break these habits and more!

* Air/steering wheel drumming
* Armpit hair yanking
* Aggressive pant zippering
* Bug spray digestion
* Fake sneezing
* Uncle shoving
* Boot camp fleeing


$500 per session
Bad Habits Boot Camp 555-2100

Services

Need mirrors looked into?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 2, 2010

Meetings

Save the Water Fountains - Kaynesport Chapter
November meeting

Items to discuss:

* Pouring water bottles out on the customers as they were leaving the convenience store wasn't as effective of a protest as we had hoped
* It has been confirmed: Rodney was hiding under the Helin Morgan Elementary School Hall 7 water fountain
* Our sister organization, Save the Gum in the Water Fountains, has been disbanded


November 4, 9:30 a.m. at headquarters

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Bowling Wives-The Complete Series
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Final Season (w/deleted scenes)
*
Worm Shop - Season 1


$8 each
Angela 555-2611

November 1, 2010

For sale

Used books

Hopscotch Can't Happen Here - Louis Sidney
To Pocket a Mockingbird - Harriet Vance
Lord of the Sighs - Carter Lindon


$5 each
Danielle 555-7007

Free seat

Bus seat


* #17 bus, 14th row aisle seat
* Man next to you is named Seth and will try to sell you one of his socks

Trying to get off at this next stop, so, give me a call


Margaret 555-4911

October 31, 2010

Meetings

Sam's Salad Buffet
Full staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not offer chiropractic care at the drive thru
* Why the Russian dressing-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* The customers are not allowed to take home the sneeze guards


Tuesday, 1:00 p.m.

October 30, 2010

For sale

Magazines

Toothpaste Collector (February, 2005; May, 2005)
Air Whistler (November, 1994)
Bologna Monthly (June, 2003)
The Journal of Modern American Waving (March, 2009; October 2009)
Ravioli Goggles Maker (January, 2003; May, 2003; August, 2003)


$4 each
Paul 555-8102

October 29, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Let's put an end to pumpkin-on-pumpkin crime.

Call 555-6617 to find out how you can help.

October 28, 2010

For sale

VHS


Honey, I Glued a lot of Paper Clips to the Kids
Dances With Seashells



$3 each or both for $5
Aaron 555-5007

October 27, 2010

For sale

Used car for sale

1990 Hixon Raccoon SZ

* 296,000 miles
* Red w/dried horseradish racing stripes
* Missing gas pedal, roof
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday video Whose Baby Daddy Is This?


$68 or best offer
Antonio 555-2122

October 26, 2010

For sale

1/2 ham sandwich


$3 or best offer
Sandy 555-3321

For sale

Otis Peakaboo autographed apple




$220
Sal 555-9931

October 25, 2010

Advertisement

Plumptin City College
"What it was isn't anymore"




Classes forming now for winter semester

* Survey: Guys named Tony
* Giraffes in the Theater
* History of Mustard, 1950-1980

And many more - pick the schedule that's right for you!


Intercollegiate athletics
Go Aardvarks!

* Men's and Women's Lettuce Toss
Co-coaches Tamara Blakeley and John Simpson
* Women's Ear Pulling
Hall of fame coach Wendy Arnold
* Men's Wheelbarrow
Coach Hal Winfield
* Men's Elevator Riding
Coach Pete Hannington


For application/advisement information, call 555-5663

October 24, 2010

Openings

Paco's Movie House
Grand opening!




November movies:

Karate Frog 2
The Drew Sisters in Forehead Soup
The Devil Wears Reading Glasses
Mustache: Impossible


Documentary films:

Watch Darren Go Bald
Salami Murphy-Live in Kenton City



Paco's - 502 Vanderells Lane, Kaynesport

October 23, 2010

For sale

Rice pool

* Uncooked
* Gravy slide sold separately


$300
Greg and Linda 555-3401


** Interesting trades for pasta bath tubs considered **

October 22, 2010

For sale

Bologna wallets

* Hand-crafted
* Now available with bread-crust-Velcro


- $15 each
- 10 or more: $12 each
- 50 or more: $9 each


Vinnie 555-5459

October 21, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Ken Laurie
Fall meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is taking Ken's father to his Arm Pit Pinchers Anonymous meeting, November 6?
* Ken's 7th grade report card: Q&A
* FKL Flashback: May 6, 2001, the day we accidentally kidnapped Len Korie's canary
* Ken Camp 4: what went wrong


October 23, 2:00 p.m.

October 20, 2010

Services

Freelance critic for hire

Whatever you need criticized, I'm your man.

* jailhouse cafeteria food
* home movies
* how a person really looks in shorts
* in-laws
* your goldfish's intelligence
* socks


$9/hour weekdays
$12/hour weekends
Benson 555-2310

Meetings

Goober City Muskrats semi-pro basketball
Pre-season meeting


On the agenda:

- Why we can only play on eight-foot rims in practice
- Q&A: the whereabouts of Coach Jensen's clipboard
- Your socks go on before your shoes


January 4, 7:30 p.m. at Coach Sanderson's house

October 19, 2010

Meetings

Cover to Cover book club
Fall meeting


Books to discuss:

Kevin Stevenson Bible (New Testament)
- Stevenson Publishing
The Idiot's Guide to Barbecue Sauce - Valerie Persons
The Encyclopedia of Empty Soda Cans - Chocolate House Publishing


October 22 at Rhonda's town house - 555 Erlinder Street

October 18, 2010

Meetings

Vance's Chicken Shack
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* We can no longer honor customer's requests to run the grilled chicken sandwiches through the dishwasher before serving
* Please do not accept any more blueberries as currency
* Why the mashed potato pants joke is no longer funny


October 20, 1:00 p.m.

October 17, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Bar Brawler (June, 2005; August, 2005)
Mailbox Flag Insults for Kids (January, 1999; May, 1999)
Salamander Fancy (November, 1994)
Plant Watcher's Digest (July, 2000)


$6 each
Hannah 555-8105

For sale

Used Halloween costumes

* Squash Girl (missing paper clip goggles)
* Ernie Cole the Orthodontist
* Rubber wheelbarrow
* Barbecue grill cover
* Belly Button Boy (w/rare 1970s ravioli helmet)


Call for pricing list
Will 555-7001

October 16, 2010

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
October meeting

On the agenda:

- Splinter Seminar, Part 5.
- Andrea's new boyfriend, Allen
- Taking responsibility: October 9th's enchilada fight
- What was that noise?


October 18, 7:00 p.m.

October 15, 2010

Clearance sale

Cat litter box liner autographed by my mother, Betty



$200
Tim 555-6617

October 14, 2010

Services

Need someone in front of you in a line removed?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Used car


* 247,000 miles
* Blue w/dried soy sauce racing stripes
* Slice of sausage pizza somewhere in back free with purchase


$125
Brandon 555-9940

October 13, 2010

Meetings

Sprinkles Ice Cream Shop
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Bathing in the sherbet: the firing of Donald Belcher and Harriet Jensen
* The soy sauce & vanilla flavor has been taken off the menu
* Vanilla-chocolate swirl has nothing to do with bathroom breaks


October 15, 3:00 p.m.

For rent

Protest signs

"Get Down From My Dining Room Table!"
"Support Local Potatoes: Help Us Keep The Skins On"
"Rodney, Get A Haircut!"
"End Waffle Beatings By 2030"
"Stop The Employment Of Illegal Raccoon Workers: Close Ernieland"


Call for rental prices
Kathy 555-1081

October 12, 2010

Meetings

11th Street Farmer's Market
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The cantaloupe soccer game against the customers has been moved to November 7
* Please stop accepting expired oil change coupons as currency
* We do not have a drive thru
* The coconut juice dunk tank has been removed from the break room


October 15, 10:30 a.m.

Services

Are you curious as to how you or others look in a mirror?

Call me, I've got a mirror you can use.


$9/hour
Harriet  555-6617

October 11, 2010

Public Service Announcement



End ear wax discrimination in local Q-Tips by 2020.


Call 555-4871 to find out how you can help

For sale

Toothpick collection

* Over 1,000
* 173 used (several w/roast beef pieces)
* Part of the cast of the 2003 made-for-TV movie Toothpick Soup: The Choking of Andrew Berchfield


Make me an offer
Greg 555-6816

October 10, 2010

Meetings

Hamburger Hut
Employee meeting


Items to discuss:

* Sandpaper is not a condiment
* The pinching of cashier Rory Lecksford: Q&A
* Please stop accepting pumpkin seeds as currency


October 11, 1:00 p.m.

October 9, 2010

For sale

Glove compartment clearance sale


* Road map (Plumptin County) - $7
* Old vehicle registration cards:
- 1994 Murray's Insurance Co. (rare) - $15
- All others - $1 each
* Half bologna sandwich - $3
* Mystery goo on napkin - $6
* Piece of a pinky (glove compartment accident) - $5


Darryl 555-7057

October 8, 2010

For sale

Football


















* Pile of ants underneath free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show So You Think You Can Eat This Football?


$7
Andy  555-0223

** Hurry, Meghan is interested **

Services

Kelli the Advice Lady
For hire

* Wearing a belt into the shower
* Don't pour sweet and sour sauce into your dress shoes
* No matter how many swamps you visit, you're never going to find "the perfect alligator"
* Fitting into a conversation stories of mustard packet cruelty
* Facial hair pizza: dos and donts
* Spending too much time underneath the couch


Call for rates and availability
555-3610

October 7, 2010

For sale

Cat tail

- Fresh
- 14 inches

$30
Darren  555-7734

For rent

Toilet paper



- Estimated 74 squares remaining
- Rent by length or by the minute
- Ask about our layaway plans

Call 555-1771 for rates

October 6, 2010

For sale

Match book




* Autographed by world-famous air triangle player Bobby Feathers
* Used in the filming of the 2010 made-for-TV movie They Came to Burn our Shoelaces
* Matches sold separately


$40
Ira 555-8010

For rent

Well



* Located at 1820 Wuxley Crossing, East Kaynesport
* Fits 1/18 of a person comfortably
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Someone Take My Daughter on a Date at the Well? and the 2007 film A Bloody Nose at the Opera


$14/week
Daniel 555-2457

For sale

Grinning Wok Chinese Restaurant
Bulk fortune cookie messages for sale

Top sellers:

* "You will find happiness with a new pancake"
* "A wasp nest is a terrible thing to waste"
* "Pay your bill, get your kid out from behind the register and leave, we closed 25 minutes ago"
* "An ankle sock in the fish tank a day keeps the orthodontist away"
* "Mrs. Alderson, apologize to Gary Paddock"
* "One of your buttons fell into your soup"


Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok - 555-8911

October 5, 2010

Help wanted

I'm looking for someone who can talk a woman off the roof of a bus.

* Must know how to operate a fishing pole


Darlene 555-7818

Services

Corak, Lundy & Hitz
Attorneys-at-law

* Walrus 1
* Impersonating a police whistle
* Harassing bird calls
* Leaving the scene of a level 3 accordion riot
* Powers of receptionist
* Felony water fountain sip-and-run
* Wheelbarrow-chicken rings


Call for rates and availability
555-6106

For sale

Garage sale

* 1/2 door (with 1/2 blue jay) - $25
* Oil stain photos - 5 for $10
* Uncle Frank - $42
* Uncle Frank's spaghetti eyebrow art collection - $150 or $3 per eyebrow
* Mystery bag - $.75

And many more!


Eric & Lydia 555-2299

October 4, 2010

Openings

Limping Fred's Drive-In Movie Theatre
Grand opening!



Fall movies

Chasing Momma Out of the Train
Sockless Man Walking
Karate Raccoon 2
Six Anchovies of Separation


Brand-new documentaries, by TBC Films:

* The People Next Door Don't Have a Roof
* Mouseburgers: The Closing of Beefy's Fast Food Hut Store #118


Limping Fred's - 725 Fingo Street, South Plumptin

Elroys for sale

** Over 300 in stock **

- Just bulldozed in
- Perfect for gluing hot dog buns to

Sold out:

* Brown hair
* Fake limps (patented pre-2006 only)


Call for pricing list - 555-4101

For Sale

Rest area bathroom items




Razor

- Orange/white
- Several rust spots

Soap

- Weighs .1 ounce
- Mystery hair sold separately

Razor cover

- Perfect if bought with razor


Make me an offer
Jalen 555-5911


** Hurry, Eddie is interested **

October 3, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #42
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Instead of the ketchup dispenser, please start using the sink to wash your hands
* The jumping out from behind the counter and scaring the customers with bacon face joke is no longer funny
* You're not allowed to give manicures at the drive-thru window


October 5, 10:30 a.m.

October 2, 2010

For sale

Pen cap collection

* Over 400 available
* Part of the reality TV show Pen Cap Eating Contest: All Stars


Call for pricing list
Dimitri  555-7111

Meetings

Plumptin Press
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Call-takers on the Friday night sports desk: for the last time, pinching is not a sport
* The obituary page is not for pens that ran out of ink


October 4, 9:00 a.m.

October 1, 2010

For sale

Murray Dandridge autographed lettuce



$150
Claude 555-7340

Services

Need to get someone down from a roof or chandelier?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

September 30, 2010

Meetings

Sleepwalkers Anonymous
October meeting


Topics to discuss:

- Who's faking?
- Neighborhoods to stay away from
- Sleep running 101


October 5, 8:00 p.m.

For sale

Dental bill

- $227.43 due
- Napkin autographed by receptionist Diane free with purchase


$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303

** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **

September 29, 2010

Meetings

Men in Refrigerators
Fall meeting


On the agenda:

* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Last week's softball game against the Men Near Microwaves: where in the visitor's dugout did we bury Murray's wallet?


October 2, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Music albums on CD

Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists


$6 each
Harold 555-6891

September 28, 2010

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Toll Booth on the Roof.

- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown


** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **


Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

TV listings

Check out WDOO's new Tuesday lineup!

REALITY TV

America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit. Plus: the judges are impressed with Randall and Jessica's recreation of the play Bread Monsters Invade Salami City.

Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal again and is forced to take a leave of absence.



Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.

Movie of Scenes



6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool

September 27, 2010

For sale

Shampoo gun

* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff shield sold separately


$40
Trevor 555-1181

September 26, 2010

Meetings

Sanjai's Stationery
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath


September 28, 4:00 p.m.

September 25, 2010

For sale

Used books


Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons


$3 each
Jan 555-8100

September 24, 2010

Home for sale



1 BR
6 BATH
2 SALAMI CAPE

* Former headquarters for support groups:

- "Women Named Vanessa" (Kaynesport chapter)
- "Fake Limps Anonymous"

* Grandpa Rob/Grandpa Rob's peanut shell collection (approximately 11,000 shells as of September 22) come with house
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Are You Smellier Than a 3rd Grader?


Open house - October 2 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
4755 Scooner Crossing, East Kaynesport

September 23, 2010

Advertisments

A memo on Glug


Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.

Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.

** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **


Call 555-7881 for free insult

September 22, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Talk to your kids about hot dog ankles, before someone else does.

Call 555-4455 for more information.

Meetings

Plumptin High School 2010 Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting

On the agenda:

* Tuxedos are not allowed to be made out of lasagna sheets no matter what coach Tiso said
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme of this year's dance is not going to be "Plumptin's Plumpest"
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?


September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center

September 21, 2010

For sale

Grocery bill

- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6


$25
Bill 555-7991

** Please, only serious offers **

Openings

Bunky's Used Video Games
Grand opening!



Fall, 2010 top sellers:

Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist



Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin

House for rent



1/9 BR
1 BATH/NUDGING ROOM
1 STEAK SAUCE POOL

* Arm hair collection free with rental agreement (over 1,000 hairs)
* Used in the filming of the 1999 music video Banana in the Mirror


$117/month
Pete 555-3322

September 20, 2010

For sale

Couch



* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase


$40
Brandon 555-6993


* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *

For sale

T-shirts

* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)


$15 each
Brandy 555-8170

September 19, 2010

Services

Air saxophone lessons

* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson


$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617

September 18, 2010

Services

Janice McCullers
Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's punch the loony out of you"

* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room


Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment

September 17, 2010

For sale

VHS


My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid



$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008

September 16, 2010

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #117
Fall meeting

On the agenda:

- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
- You don't need to add hot water to the ketchup


September 17, 7:00 p.m.

Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m.

September 15, 2010

Missing pet



Geraldine

* Spider
* Missing since Monday
* Last seen on top of Grandpa Mel's head
* Mashed potatoes/plastic spoon reward if found


555-3301

September 14, 2010

Announcements

Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar

September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson


Call 555-DRUN for tickets

September 13, 2010

Religious visions

I discovered the image of our lord and savior, Rory Barfield, on my tube sock.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.



Artist's Rendering


* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

September 12, 2010

Events

Plumptin Centipedes Semi-pro baseball
Post-season meeting/banquet


Banquet schedule:

6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner

- Various dry noodles
- Water

9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards

* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year

and more!


September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location

September 11, 2010

Obituary

Reginald Callahan
1931-2010

Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.

September 10, 2010

For sale

Arm & hand



* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds


$4
Andy 555-4426

September 9, 2010

Meetings

Cheechio's Restaurant
Server's meeting

Items to discuss:

* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is no longer on the menu


September 12, 3:00 p.m.

September 8, 2010

Announcements

The Kaynesport Pythons 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!

2010 roster:

* returning player

1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*


First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6

* Please bring your own socks *

September 7, 2010

Destinations

Visit the Plunger County Prison & Museum




Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:


**Getaway Cars of the 1990s

Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)


**Solitary Peep Shows

See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:

- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter


Plus:

Lunch tray fights


Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin

September 6, 2010

Meetings

Friends of Randy Attley
September meeting

On the agenda:

- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18


September 9, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Change

- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)


$2
Jeremy 555-3329

* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *

September 5, 2010

For sale

Magazines


Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest
(July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)


$5 each
Charlene 555-8191

September 4, 2010

Services

Fernz, Gwendy & Capolo Attorneys at Law


* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building


Call 555-3319 for a free consultation

Services

** Morris' Now Available **

- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to


Call 555-5614 for pricing list

September 3, 2010

Openings

Jimmy's Restaurant
Grand re-opening

"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"

New menu items:

- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce


Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport

September 2, 2010

Meetings

Hepsen Valley Youth Football Bulldogs
Team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it


September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3

September 1, 2010

For sale

Domain names for sale

www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com


$20 each
Harry 555-4410

For sale

Stamps

"Pinch Olympics Champions"

* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45

"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"

* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10

"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"

* Rodney - $25


All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444

August 31, 2010

Services

Advice Lady for hire

* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your pants
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower


Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767

August 30, 2010

For sale

Music albums on CD

Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Take Another Little Piece of My Thumb - Rosa
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists


$5 each
Hillary 555-3316

August 29, 2010

Meetings

La Quaranda Hotel
Early-fall staff meeting


On the agenda:

- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop - Q&A
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: where do we go from here?



September 1, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Hair

* Gray
* Interesting trades for hats considered


$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119


** Ask about our dandruff plan **

August 28, 2010

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Emergency meeting


* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?


August 29, 8:00 a.m.


Wheat bread cubes: Samantha

August 27, 2010

For sale

Dontavius Upshaw autographed hot dog bun




$14
Henry  555-8891

August 26, 2010

For sale

Directions for sale

- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building
- Bennie's Liquor & Lunchmeat to the Kaynesport Youth Baseball complex


* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *


$10 each
Mike 555-6614

For sale

1/3 bologna sandwich

* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Bob play set free with purchase
* Mustache hair (1) sold separately


$6
Beth 555-7007

August 25, 2010

Meetings

Fast Stop Convenience Store
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session IV: defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray


August 27, 1:00 p.m.

August 24, 2010

For sale

Used books


Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Ivan Blayshore
Encyclopedia of North American Roof Theft - Chocolate House Publishing
Sneezes of Summer - Ryan Conway
History of Pinecone Wars (1939-1959) - Editor: Charlie Freedman


$6 each
Mallory 555-2101

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.

Trent box 77293


Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).

Mitch box 53802


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.

Connie box 79974


Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).

Mary box 37665

August 23, 2010

For rent

Apartment for rent

1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)

* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Plunger Wars


$130/month
Tony 555-0100

For sale

Kitten ear collection

- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, kitten ear fights


$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491

** Hurry, Danny is interested **

August 22, 2010

Openings

Mort's Motel
Grand re-opening!

** Now rabbit-free **

- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Wheelbarrow Obituaries Weekly with check-in
- Free Barry with room rental


* Rooms starting at $13.99 *

Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport

August 21, 2010

For sale



1/2 cupcake

* Received as compensation for lost cashews (August 17)
* Bite taken by Marv Ledford
* Free with purchase: dead ant (James), used napkin

$4
Wally 555-6029

** Interesting trades for cashews considered **

August 20, 2010

Public Service Announcement



Help us end barbecue sauce spills by 2020.

Call 555-8718 for more information.

For sale

Trumpet



* Used by legendary Bam Baker during 1982 concert at Noodle Fest
* Piece of hamburger in spit valve free with purchase
* Horn chewed on by raccoon (May, 1993)


$125
Kurt 555-2341

August 19, 2010

Services

Save muddy on cabin fare and buy Carl insurance. With owl of a question, it's beanier than any otter's shackle in creeping up on the Joe Zinns.

Shiny Nostril free with raccoon pompom.


Call 555-6886

August 18, 2010

Meetings

Remaining Confident in the Bathroom
Kaynesport Chapter - August meeting

On the agenda:

* You can shave with a toothbrush and brush your teeth with shaving cream, but it's not recommended
* I'm done in the shower, where do I go next?

Plus: Toilet Tutorials with Thomas

- The dangers of the flush-and-flee
- My leg is caught in the toilet: what do I do now?


August 22, 6:00 p.m. at the Aldersons