October 31, 2009

Children's toy for sale



Blue turtle

* "Mr. Joey"
* Macaroni noodle stuck to bottom
* Used in the 2003 home movie Grandpa Has a Turtle in his Pants


$6
Eric & Diane 555-1328

October 30, 2009

Meetings

Rory's Stationery Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting napkins with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The wedding stationery is not priced based on the attractiveness of the bride-to-be
* SUI (stapling under the influence): the firing of Karl Vanderells


November 2, 1:00 p.m.

October 29, 2009

For sale

Selling some stuff from around the house; great deals available.


Socks

* Tube - $1 each


Body hair

* Mustache w/mayonnaise clump (rare) - $15
* Ear hairs - 25 for $1


Washing machine

* White
* Mouse inside not dead

$24 or best offer



Garret 555-9991

October 28, 2009

Letter from the editor




Thanks to everyone who participated in the Save the Peanuts fundraiser, held this past Saturday, October 24. With your help, we were able to save over three pounds of peanuts from being de-shelled.

Also: the winner of the Guacamole Sculpture and the three finalists for next month's Raccoon Toss will be notified by mail.


Derwood Morris

October 27, 2009

Home for sale



1 BR
0 FLOORS
1/16 KITCHEN

* Bath tub filled with actual blood, sweat and tears
* Free with purchase: copy of Peggy Cliff's 1984 platinum-selling album I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus


Former residents:

- TV's original Caterpillar Man, Donnie Barfield
- Phillis Baker



Open house: October 31, 12:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. at 717 Pepano Circle, Pisoville

For sale

Magazines


* Dry Wall Taster (December, 1991; March, 1992)
* Emaciated Male (May, 2004; November, 2004)
* Wheelbarrow & Pusher (January, 1995)
* Fashionable Rhino (April, 1981; May, 1981; January, 1982)


$2 each
Shonsen 555-4216

October 26, 2009

For sale

T-shirts

* Red (w/toothpaste stain)
* "Real Men Like Jesus"
* "Mashed Potato Lucy-North American Tour, 2002"

$5 each
Troy  555-9922

Police report



Vernon Easterly
Age: 36
Pants: No


October 25: Taken into custody for bathing in a downtown bird bath. Mr. Easterly claimed he was "just trying to teach the younger birds how to lather properly."


Previous arrests:

November 7, 2004: Arrested for failing to produce a valid crawler's license after police discovered Mr. Easterly crawling on a highway off-ramp.

April 18, 2000: Found with more than three pounds of owl feathers with intent to distribute.

May 24, 1999: Arrested for acorn neglect.



EASTERLY, VERNON
Bail: $15

October 25, 2009

For lease

Land for lease




Previous owners:

* Stinky/Pooman '96 campaign headquarters - Fall, 1996
* Randall & Son Empty Building - 1997-2002
* M.A.T.P. (Mothers Against Teenage Pinching) headquarters - 2003-2008
* The Church of D'Ondre - September, 2009


$310/month
Berker Reality 555-6750

October 24, 2009

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Fall meeting


On the agenda:

* Who is dropping off Andrea's grandmother at her salsa lesson, November 1?
* Andrea's new pinky implants
* 2010 Fleming Fest (January 3-5) needs:

- Raccoon Toss judges
- Auctioneer for the 2nd annual Eyebrow Auction



October 26, 7:00 p.m. at Tory and Brevin's house

October 23, 2009

TV listings

WDER's brand-new Friday lineup!


REALITY TV

So, You Think You Can Nose Bleed? - 8:00 p.m.
Frank can't get his nose to bleed. Plus: Jillian is caught picking with her thumb and has to spend a day in the Septum Tank.

Mailmen - 9:00 p.m.
Vince is eliminated when judges find his satchel is filled with mashed potatoes.

The Real Kittens of the Orin County Humane Society - 10:00 p.m.
Paco throws up a rubber band, while Buttons and Sammy fight over who's going to eat it next. Plus: Lexi learns to trust her shadow.



"Night at the Movies" - 11:00 p.m.

I Know What You Found in Your Ear Last Summer




5:55 a.m. - Winking & Blinking with Carol

October 22, 2009

For sale



2 BR
1 BATH/OFFICE
3 RUBBER POSSUM MASKS


* Used in the filming of the 2007 hit reality TV show Unibrow House
* Extra wood on roof sold seperately


Open house - October 31, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 349 Piso Street, SE Plumptin

October 21, 2009

Events

The Kaynesport County Fair is back!


"BYOI....bring your own iguanas."

- Kaynesport mayor Morris J. Woodiger


Rides and attractions

- Giant Spoon Kid-Toss
- Pine Cone Man Ride (new!)
- Kicking Booth
- Mouthwash Dunk Tank


Musical acts

* Dottie and the Uninterested
* Soy Sauce Revival
* Peggy Cliff
* Rory & Merle


Delicious foods

* Aunt Kendra's Chocolate-Covered Eyelids
* Breads of different sogginess


**Plus**

The return of Leaky the Clown and his world-famous Balloon Vegetables

- Parsnip now available!



Join us for all the fun, November 13-15 at the D'herwood Fairgrounds

October 20, 2009

For sale

Bumper stickers


"My Daughter is a Student at Claymore Elementary"
"How's My Chicken Bone Tossing? 555-6437"
"#1 Every Other Weekend Dad"


$2 each or all three for $5
Ian 555-6437

October 19, 2009

For sale

Calvin
Age: 48


* Star of reality TV show Will You Go On a Date With My Uncle?
* Gives excellent earlobe massages
* Self-appointed "Mayor of Love Town"



Calvin (artist's rendering)


$105
Trevor 555-2122

** Hurry, many interested

Meetings

Holy Shoes!
Company meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please do not smell the shoes before handing them to the customers to try on
* What not to hide in the empty shoe boxes
* Cashiers: penny loafers should not be taken literally


October 20, 1:30 p.m. at the midtown corporate office

October 18, 2009

For sale

CD singles


I think we may have hit that Deer - The Cuckleys
Applesauce Pants - 9J5
(We headed for a) Drive-by Sewing - Loch Ness Mobster
I saw Mommy Kissing Three Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff


$3 each
Natalie 555-0340

October 17, 2009

Services

Need bath water drank?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For rent



* 2 bedroom dream home in the heart of the wasp district


- Hole in kitchen to be filled December, 2009
- Underneath house: Nostrils the Clown red wig/coconut gun, Grandpa Vern, thumb (w/out fingernail)
- Used in the filming of the 2002 movie Diary of a Mad, Green Bullfrog


$190/month
Cassie & Eli 555-9079

October 16, 2009

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"It's about time for it to be what it is and then some. A whole lot more some."


* Fear of condensed milk
* The voices inside your Easter basket
* Faking nose bleeds
* Over-frowning
* "I hate my mailman's walk"
* Fear of invasion by a race of killer washing machines



Call for rates
Harriet 555-3281

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #61
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not have a delivery service
* Say hello to our new mascot, Professor Patty
* Please stop accepting blades of grass as currency



October 19, 11:30 a.m.

For sale

Used protest signs


- "Make Gravy Not War"
- "Support Banana Slugs in the Theatre"
- "Get out of my Refrigerator!"
- "Ankle Socks for Jesus"


$4 each
Mort 555-4547

October 15, 2009

Services

Jeremy





Available for:

* Thorax massage (ladies only)
* Wind instrument real estate


Call for rates and availability
555-1239

October 14, 2009

Openings

103rd Street Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"Now with a water fountain"


Fall, 2009 movies:


Bobsledder on the Roof
A Bed of Noses
Pet my Eyebrows
Sneezeless in Seattle
The Knuckle Collector



103rd Street Movie House - Downtown next to Jumping Jacks Gentleman's Club

October 13, 2009

Meetings

Kaynesport Lumberjacks Baseball
Team meeting


On the agenda:

* Leave your glove in the dugout when you go to hit
* The rosin bag is not a weapon
* Catchers: put on your shin guards after your pants
* The whereabouts of honorary bat boy, Grandpa Dan


October 15, 1:00 p.m. at Mo Arthur Recreation Center

October 12, 2009

Announcements

Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.


October entries:




"Rain Falling on Murray Patterson"
by Kwon Raburn, East Plumptin





"Glue Stick & Moldy Bagel"
by Kristin Fecker, Kaynesport



* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter November's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Thoughts for sale

These are some of my more recent thoughts.

Got to get them out of my head; make me an offer.


* Pumpkin seed earrings
* What is that smell coming from my sock drawer?
* I'm not a big fan of the name "Carson".
* Goldfish don't need to be taken for walks. I know that now.
* What is so wrong about picking other people's noses?
* While helping Dan Marino fix a flat tire, he tosses me a wrench and I make an over-the-shoulder catch. He says "nice grab, rookie" and we become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
* That's the last time I drink an entire bottle of sun tan lotion to impress a woman.



Dale 555-8459

Services

Need holes filled?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 11, 2009

For sale

Shorts

- Ice cream cone stenciled on back pocket
- Perfect for wearing over underwear
- Comes with three gum wrappers


$7
Riley 555-0888

Children for sale

Patricia
Age: 3
Hobbies: Hiding in the dishwasher; writing her name in chocolate syrup on the living room furniture


Cr'Shon
Age: 5
Awards & Honors: Nationally-ranked Crawl-Farter (2004-2005)

* Will only sleep in a wheelbarrow with his imaginary friend, Dennis


$75 each or both for $125
Clem and Beverly 555-2431

October 10, 2009

Services

Need holes dug?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 9, 2009

Obituary

Gervin Phelps (1902-2009)

Mr. Phelps passed away early Friday morning of an apparent raccoon overdose. Was one of the original members of the musical group The Yats Wuestling Experience; self-proclaimed "Godfather of coal"; married to his job (1939-1945), divorced, May 1945 for attending a meeting wearing two belts and no pants.

Funeral services, October 11 at 6:30 p.m. then it's off to Benny Q's for $1 beer night.

Home for sale




1 BR/BATH/SQUABBLING ROOM
0 DOOR

* Minor roof damage
* Used in the filming of the 2005 documentary Something Crawled in my Ear


Open house - October 17, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
260 Possum Trace, Kaynesport

October 8, 2009

Openings

Ugg's Bar & Grill
Grand re-opening

"We got rid of the fire ant hills, ya'll!"


October drink specials

* $2 shots of Ernie's Elbow Juice
* "Schnapps Hose Fridays"
* Ceiling Drip: $1 per gulp


Live music

- Mookie and the Crawfish - every Saturday in October/November



- Forehead - October 16-17
- House band Pinching Christopher (every night on the graham cracker stage)


** Plus **

October 24 - 1st annual Ugg's Wet House Coat Contest



Ugg's - 175 Rainbow Way, Plumptin

For sale

Magazines


Guys Named Rodney (January, 2002; May, 2002)
Cuticle Collector (November, 1997)
Bean Beat (Garbanzo pin-up: February, 2006)


$8 each
Joan 555-6652

October 7, 2009

For sale

Minivan



1989 Febbers LE

* Missing front

Special items free with purchase:

- March, 2008 issue of Ice Cube Sports magazine
- Tr'Von, age 4


$45
Andrew 555-0918

Pet personal ad




SBD, age 2. Looking for a nice, young canine who loves eating/throwing up Christmas ornaments and whose not afraid to crawl underneath the couch and tinkle.

Breath must smell like tuna or worse.


Max box 31997

October 6, 2009

For hire

Advice Man

"It could be what it is if you let it."


* Don't pour salad dressing into your sneakers
* A sneeze guard is not a suggestion
* If you're going to climb into the washing machine, make sure you know how to get out
* It's not a good idea to glue blades of grass to your neck tie
* Lavender jean shorts? No.
* You lick it, you buy it


Call for rates and availability
Jerry 555-2118

October 5, 2009

Casting call

The Dertherwood Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in our upcoming play, Give 'em hell, Takahasha!:


- Vice Principal Takahasha
- Z'Vontavious
- Beatrice
- Mr. Yips
- Murray, pinching champion
- Chongo the talking eggplant
- Bernie Jr.
- Dream Olin
- Evil Beatrice

** We're also looking for anyone who knows how to talk a man out of a chimney **


Auditions will be held October 19-22 from 6:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. at Dertherwood's

Wanted

Single men seek lopsided women for fun in the mud


* Must have both elbows
* Access to leaf blower a plus


555-4618

October 4, 2009

For sale

Used reference books


* The History of Uncooked Bacon (1960-1989)
* Encyclopedia of Delayed Airline Flights-Volume 5
* Greer's Law Books: Penguin Possession
* Pickpocket's Almanac
* Illustrated History of the Frown


$10 each
Harriet 555-1317

Meetings

Corkscrew's Italian Eatery
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* A canoli is not a weapon
* There's no such thing as "Bring your Grandmother to Work Day"
* Whoever is bringing in pillow cases and using them for to-go food, please stop


October 7, 3:00 p.m.

October 3, 2009

Car for sale

1992 Bonch Dazzle-JE




* Honorable mention at 2002 Windshield Toss

Items in glove compartment (free with purchase):

- It's Beginning to look a lot like January (DJ Tinkle remix) cassette tape
- 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich
- Plastic cup of old mustaches


$83
Randall 555-9716

For sale




Sneakers

- Pair of limited edition Bobby Feathers
- Come with house


* Call within the next 24 hours and receive a free copy of Yuni Franklin's new book The Man in the Mashed Potato Mask autographed by my neighbor, Sal


$14
Vernon 555-3440

October 2, 2009

Announcements




The new APBL (Aging Persons Basketball League) season is right around the corner.

"The roof's the limit!"


10 teams spread throughout the metro area:

- Blubberville Bobcats
- Kaynesport Seminoles
- Restricted Area
- Shonsen City Rockets
- Shrimpsburg Slows
- Clumptown Astros
- Ernieville Torpedos
- West Dylan Wheeze
- Plumptin Possums
- Wortmen Ninnys


Exciting features no other basketball league can offer:

* 'Bring Your Goldfish to the Arena' Thursdays
* Backboards made of broccoli


And come help us celebrate opening night, October 23 at Robert L. Morwood Memorial Gynasium

7:00 p.m. - Welcome address from commissioner Rory Rainbow
7:45 p.m. - Chicken pot pie launch
7:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by pop sensation Nevada
8:05 p.m. - Ceremonial first tip by Gary Germaine, creator of the award-winning reality TV show Get my Momma to Church!
8:10 p.m. - Tip-off: Blubberville vs. Shrimpsburg
10:30 p.m. - Wheelbarrow service begins at northwest end of arena

October 1, 2009

For sale

Old signs


"Beware of Half-man/Half-tomato"
"Crossing Guard Crossing"
"Re-elect Martha Bannister for Chairman of Hugs"
"Exit here for Spinach"


$2 each

Robert 555-8110

Meetings

Between the Lines book club
October meeting


Books to discuss:

* You Can't Take that Mud With You - Carlton Richard
* The Collected Poetic Works of Lil' Pipsqueak - Lil' Pipsqueak
* Sandwiches I've yet to Finish - Penelope Arnold


Frozen thousand island dressing cubes: Harry



October 4, 6:00 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Discount Books