August 31, 2009

Services

Dance Lessons by Charlie

"Charlie is not only my name, it's my name tag"


* Pigeon Be-Bop
* The Elbow Scratch
* The Derwood
* Coatroom (Mothball or The Crouch & Hide)
* The Herman Peabody
* Poo Shuffle


Call for rates and availability
Charlie 555-8916

August 30, 2009

Personal ads

CATS SEEKING CATS



I coughed up something green and I'd like to share it with someone special. Tail must be natural.

Rex box 24202


Been chasing shadows and diving off the back porch for too long. I'm looking to settle down with a feline who isn't afraid to try scented litter every once in a while. Call me.

Trixxy box 66117



MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SWM, 43. Won "Most Likely to Shave Someones Beard While they Sleep" and "Best Smile" in Hamilton High School yearbook (June, 1984).

Trevor box 10091


SM, age 36. Brown teeth and misshapen left ear, but I more than make up for it with my air drumming.

Stan box 36810



WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I need a ride to the grocery store.

Amanda box 45917

August 29, 2009

For sale

Used protest signs


"Make Chili, Not War"
"Support Gabes in the Military"
"End Sneezing by 2070"
"Support Dandruff on Local Heads"


$15 each
Barry 555-3248

Openings

23rd Street Drive-in
Grand opening!





September movies

I Was Notified of your Hedge Trimming Last Summer
Macaroni Pendelton Presents: Poo House
Prince of Tires
Raviolis for Glenn
My Best Friend's Wedgie



23rd Street Drive-in
Open Monday-through-Saturday, 5:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.

August 28, 2009

Services

Bug for hire




Experience: 2 years
Favorite magazine: Darren

Specialities:

* Driving cats crazy


$25/hour
Hank 555-7167

August 27, 2009

Home for sale




1 BR/BATH/SPLINTER RECOVERY ROOM
3 Eggplant Man MASKS
1 LUCKY ANDY'S FOOT

* Once owned by Len Shephard, "The Felcro King of the Shephard Family"
* Used in the filming of the 2003 made-for-TV movie Hamburger Martha


Open house - August 29, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
718 Shane Street, Ookamondo Valley

August 26, 2009

Services

Pepano, Feathers & Blakely Law Offices

"It, and only it, is what it is."


* Misappropriation of Murrays
* Spaghetti profiling
* Wrongful sock puppet naming
* Cymbal rights
* WUI (winking under the influence)
* Hippo custody
* Wheelbarrow neglect


PF&B - 1000 Daniels Avenue, Kaynesport

August 25, 2009

Meetings

Friends of Sarah Quigley
September meeting


Items to discuss:

* Sarah's new lips/lip gloss
* Sarahlympics '09 concession duty
* Who wrote "have a good summer, Smelly Sarah" in Sarah's 7th grade yearbook?


September 2, 7:30 p.m. at Oscar's house

August 24, 2009

For sale

Vinyl record albums


The Sounds of Sinus - The Nostrils
I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy - Peggy Cliff
Can't Buy me Lunch - Rory Barfield
(Countin' On) Cabbage Folk - The Danielsons


$8 each
Vinny 555-2670

August 23, 2009

For lease



Building for lease


Previous inhabitants:

1990-1993
- M.A.A.C. (Mothers Against Adult Crawling) Headquarters

1994-1998
- Paul's Discount Thumb/Knuckle

1999-2005
- Let's Find a Roof fundraiser (December 28-31, 1999)
- The Sneeze Shop (2000-2005)

2006-2009
- Church of Jerry


$430/month
Henning Reality Co. 555-9119

August 22, 2009

For sale

Jeremy
Age: 6

Favorite game: Cannonballs on Grandpa
Eats: Mashed potatoes & caramel
Favorite toy: Stinky and Clumpy action figures

Comes with:

- Claire, age 3
- Lice


$75 or best offer
Darryl and Lucille 555-4201

August 21, 2009

Thoughts for sale

Unloading some of my oldest thoughts.

Make me an offer -


* How much could I charge to give piggy back rides down the highway?
* What is that purple thing on my foot?
* Talking cashews
* I'm in an alligator costume, trapped in a washing machine
* Why did that guy on the subway get so upset when I tried to brush his teeth?
* Giant staplers terrorizing the city
* Get to meet Unibrow Man at the mall. We laugh about engine coolant and he asks me to be his permanent sidekick


Trey 555-1819

August 20, 2009

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #68
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The firing of cashier, Donald
* The sign does not say 'employees must wash customers hands before returning to work'


August 25, 7:00 p.m. at East Plumptin corporate office

August 19, 2009

Services



Call 555-NOAH to schedule an appointment


Acceptable methods of payment:

- Icing
- Balloon iguanas

August 18, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Acorn Digest (July, 2005; January, 2006)
Sweaty Francene (Special Holiday Issue: December, 2003)
Napkin (March, 1998)
The Journal of Modern American Arm Pits (May, 2001; June, 2001)


$10 each
Cindy 555-3819

August 17, 2009

Home for sale



1/4 BR
0 BATH


* Great view of the water


$350/month rent or the equivalent in cherries
Gary & Terese 555-2187

August 16, 2009

For sale




Glen
Age: 4

* Floats on his own time
* Appeared in the 2008 documentary The Snails Are Better Over Here

He's changed; I've changed. It's time for both of us to start over.


$60 or best offer
Diane 555-1007

August 15, 2009

For sale

T-shirts


- "I Survived Astronomy Camp"
- Green
- "Don't Mess With My Ant Farm"
- Forehead - World Tour, 1991
- "Support Walrus in the Theater"
- I LOVE MUSTARD


$10 each
Ron 555-4414

August 14, 2009

Police report



Gavin Leonard
Age: 52
Socks: tube (2)


August 13 - Mr. Leonard was arrested for following too closely to a caterpillar, claiming the insect was "laughing and making fun of my wrists."


Previous arrests

September, 2005: Arrested for goldfish neglect.

March, 1997: Taken into police custody for possession of more than 1,000 eyebrows with intent to distribute.

May, 1978: Arrested for refusing to remove his celery belt and Ice Cube Man cape in a government building.



LEONARD, GAVIN
BAIL: $47

August 13, 2009

Openings

The Ernie Shop
Grand opening

"Your one-stop shop in today's Ernie-driven world"



* Discount Ernies:

- with glasses, $49.95
- without glasses + dandruff, $79.95
- with dandruff + fake shoulder injury, $89.95

* Replica Ernie Torkelson toupees - 5 for $20
* Save the Ernies-1983 t-shirts - $45 each
* 'Don't Call Me Bernie' buttons - $1


Ernie Shop - 266 L'Sha Lane, Kaynesport

August 12, 2009

For sale

VHS

I'm Aware of your Lawnmowing Last Summer
Holy McNamara Presents: Noogie House
Smelly Camp III



$6 each
Bob 555-3232

August 11, 2009

Meetings

Fry's Fast Food - Store #29
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Possum Pieces value meal: what went wrong
* What happened to all of the promotional ranch dressing helmets?
* Please stop accepting marbles as currency


August 14, 3:30 p.m. at downtown corporate office

August 10, 2009

For sale

Pillow case

* Comes with urine and/or orange juice stain
* Starred in the 2008 documentary I'm Pretty Sure He's Dead: The Disposing of Leonard the Squirrel
* Interesting trades for new pillow cases considered


$3
Jasper 555-7132

For sale

Magazines


Gals Named Brenda (June, 1998, May, 1999)
Neck Hair (December, 2003)
Elbow Johnson For Kids (March, 2005; October, 2005)


$3 each
Ruth 555-1301

August 9, 2009

For sale



Two brown chairs


** Made of genuine pigeonhide **


Perfect for:

- Sitting in
- Chair fights


$6 each or both for $10
Vernon 555-4648

August 8, 2009

For sale

In-ground pool




* 29 inches (shallow end - 18 inches)
* Diving board added December, 2008
* Used in the filming of the 2004 film The Splashing of Helen Corley


$34 or best offer
Lannette 555-0115

August 7, 2009

For hire

Stan the Advice Man

"'Advice' is my middle name. Actually, it's Jacob."


* Wear socks, underwear and pants, not just socks and underwear
* How to spot a fake sideburn
* Once your toenails are clipped, throw them away
* Don't put margarine in your iced tea
* Outdoor clapping practice: dos and donts
* Trust "Averys" and "Chets" at your own risk
* Bringing a jacket into the shower


Call for rates
Stan 555-1103

August 6, 2009

Announcements




2009 Build Your Dream House: 6th place.

Congratulations to Rory, Shandra and the rest of the team.


- D. Morris

August 5, 2009

Home for sale



1/3 BR
1/2 BATH
1 AVOCADO MAN MASK/CAPE (w/pipe cleaner nose)

* Family of possums in hallway closet ("The Winfields")


Open house - August 15, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
9540 Noah Circle, Yuntztown

August 4, 2009

Personal ads

DOGS SEEKING DOGS



SD, 7, not fixed.

Charles box 21179


Just got done digging this old sock out of the ground and I want to share it with you. Ears must smell like expired milk or worse.

Trixxy box 43338



MEN SEEKING WOMEN

SWM, 36. Unfortunately, I got some bad advice a long time ago and have been looking for lungs for the past 20 years. I have plenty of lungs; willing to try love, or the equivalent in cheese.

Please: no mustaches.

Thomas box 30881


Just trying to find a woman to take to my high school reunion so I don't have to go with my Aunt Dottie. Call me.

Cody box 55907



OTHER

On the roof. Need someone to get me down.

Jay box 71016

August 3, 2009

Meetings

Fireplace Watcher's Society
August meeting


Items to discuss:

* When men other than Santa Claus fall down the chimney
* The Microwave Watcher's Society: who do these guys think they are?


Frozen pancake cubes: Kevin


August 10, 6:00 p.m. at Ginger & Marty's house

For sale




Miles
Age: 3

He can fly and he's a great listener. Coffee can trained.


$150
Julie 555-3731

August 2, 2009

TV listings

WGOB TV Sunday lineup


REALITY TV

Mustard Shop - 9:30 p.m.

Shelby is caught bathing in Dijon.

Mitch House - 10:00 p.m.
Mitchell Larson is banned from Mitch Fest '09 after bringing a Carl into the house.


LATE-NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE- 11:00 p.m.

Remember the Typists

I Know Which Eyebrow You Waxed Last Summer



5:50 a.m. - Proper goldfish disposal with Gene

For sale




Tangerine

* Greenish-yellow, which is a sign of prosperity
* Used in the 2009 film, The Squirting of Harvey Garrison


$7 or best offer
Ron 555-3329

August 1, 2009

Openings

Manny McDonald's Drive-In Movies
Grand opening!!




August movies

There Goes Eenis
11 1/2 Monkeys
Things We Lost in the Cole Slaw
Natural Born Kilners
Sneeze By Me
Cross-Eyed Camp 3
A Unibrow Story



MM's Drive-In
1850 Tiso Circle, Corcoran City

For sale

Old lawn signs


BEWARE OF DOM
O'SHOOGIE/PEPANO '92
HAPPY EESTER (rare)
CELEBRATE NOSTRIL AWARENESS WEEK, May 7-13
HAPPY EASTER
MORE LAWN IN BACK
NO SYRUP ON PREMISES


$11 each
Jaffey 555-4664