April 30, 2009

Services

Blaine, Erniger & Shonsen
Attorneys at Law

"It isn't what it is unless it has to be."


* Cabbage abuse
* Step-mother neglect
* Acorn profiling
* Wrongful envelope massaging
* HDUI (hand drying under the influence)
* Misappropriation of earthworms


Call 555-7551 for a free consultation

April 29, 2009

For sale

1992 Takanawa Coyote Z3



* Bologna sandwich in trunk
* Used in the filming of the 2007 television documentary 7 Miles to Chunky Town
* Steering wheel stolen (July, 2004). Temporary wheel made of egg noodles and glue


$190 or best offer
Trevon 555-7117

April 28, 2009

New product

Try new Sizzle Energy Drink



* 20% more pencil shavings, 40% more giraffe fur
* Contains plenty of Vitamin 7 kids need to play video games


Get Sizzled in three different sizes:

- 36-OZ bottle
- 82-OZ bucket
- 135-OZ wheelbarrow


Pick up yours today!

April 27, 2009

Police report



Danny Jelks
Age: 32
Pants: yes


April 26: Arrested at a local basketball game for refusing to take off his cat mask during the national anthem.


Previous arrests

November, 2004: Arrested for driving under the influence of peacock feathers.

May, 1999: Taken into custody for kidnapping a head of lettuce. After demanding $3 in ransom money, Mr. Jelks eventually surrendered to police, claiming it to be "a dark day for the crouton."


JELKS, DANNY
Bail: $25

Openings

Smile Time Chinese Restaurant
Grand re-opening - May 2

"Where the customer is always rice!"


New dinner specials:

Children Arm - $9.95
Smile Time Cakes - $4 each
Loaf of Dwayne - 1/2 pound loaf for $10
Orange Fun Cubes - $6 plate; $2.99 half plate
Spicy Flavor Stick - $3
Fried Eyebrow Platter - $4.99


* Trivia Fridays, featuring Bourbon Fred on the mic

* Hippopotamus-accessible


Smile Time Restaurant - 770 Oakdale Lane, Plumptin



Call 555-6662 for reservations/relationship advice

Obituaries

Jasper Franklin
1901-2009


He died doing what he loved: searching under the couch for his glasses. Franklin helped form several protest groups, including the Mashed Potato Alliance (1957); Jaspers for Jesus (1971) and the Dylan County chapter of Whiners/Complainers (1988).


Helen Charles
1908-2009


Best-known for organizing the 1974 Johnny's Cafeteria swedish meatball sit-ins, Mrs. Charles died of an aluminum foil overdose. Had a short career in film, starring as Beatrice in the Operation: Boll Weevil trilogy. Married to the sea in 1945; divorced in 1953 after an argument over rip tides. Funeral services set for April 30, 5:30 p.m., then it's off to Fatty's for nickel beer night.

April 26, 2009

For sale

Magazines

Laquesha (May, 1989)
Soy Sauce Enthusiast (January, 2006; September, 2006)
Bumbling Doofus (April, 1994)
Smelly Christine (October, 2004; January, 2005)


$8 each
Kelly 555-1009

April 25, 2009

Meetings

The People in Julio Cabrera's Garage
May meeting



On the agenda:

- Whose half-eaten salami sandwich is by the drill bits?
- Former club president Daniel Lapinski's public nudity trial: Q&A
- Juliorama 2009: what went wrong
- June 6 day trip to the front lawn-still need deposits from Gary, Ian and Leanne


May 2, 7:00 p.m.

** Remember: if you know your pants are going to fall down, please wear a belt as well.

April 24, 2009

Home for sale



4 BR
1/2 BATH
2 EASTER BUNNY COSTUMES


All utilities included:

* Maple syrup dispenser
* Oven light
* Artificial cricket noise


**Special**
The Girls of Mort's Worm & Tackle Shop 2003 calendar (missing July) - free with purchase


$7,000
Debbie and Vincent 555-8183

Educational opportunities

Earyare College
Adult education courses now available


* Identifying Smells
* How to do a Chin-up
* Eyebrows 101
* Survey: White Jean Shorts
* Beginning Clock Radio
* Thawing Frozen Ground Beef


Courses begin May 15. Sign up today!


Earyare registration hotline - 555-0016

April 23, 2009

Meetings

Chi-Chi Mexican Restuarant - Store #110
May staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please stop talking to the customers about our microwaves
* Why we need you to wear underwear and pants, not just underwear
* The whereabouts of Captain Enchilada


May 1, 2:30 p.m.

April 22, 2009

Destinations

Visit Lake Febbinshine



"The muddiest place on earth!"


* Two fishing docks where you can catch dozens of exotic fish, including:

- Smellyfish
- Detroit Bluefish
- Freshwater Nuppy
- Bandaidfish
- Rainbow Herman
- Newark Yellow Tail


* Wheelbarrow trails


* Hike Feathers Mountain
(Beware of Rory Vanderells, missing since July, 1988)


* Games for the whole family

Cantaloupe Toss
Ring Around Larry Meroni



** And coming to Lake Febbinshine in summer, 2009, a live taping of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!


Lake Febbinshine - 550 Lakeshore Avenue, Bronze City
Call 555-7661 for reservations

April 21, 2009

Services

Personal assistant for hire


* Mail retrieval
* Choosing the right asparagus
* Struggles with ear muffs
* Insect identification
* Eyebrow maintenance
* Hugs
* Sock selection


Sandy 555-2491

April 20, 2009

Openings

The Museum of Partial Objects
Grand opening!




Spring/summer exhibits:

Right Nostrils of the Mediterranean (May 5 - June 25)
Some of the region's largest and smallest right nostrils on display, dating back to the 15th century.

Capolo's Door Knobs (June 26 - August 2)
The legendary crooner's collection of door knobs and handles, including the stretch limo trunk handle from his 1975 "Knee Deep in Spicy Mustard" tour.

Pieces of Andrew Fleming (August 3 - September 10) Exhibit includes the Italian painter's chipped teeth and rare severed thumb.


Also available for a limited time:

* Apple Core Mondays (Each Monday in June)


MOPO - 1570 Arthur Ewing Crossway, South Dylan

For sale

Refrigerator sale


* Salami slices - 4 for $1
* Birthday cake ("Happy Birthday De'Ondrae") - $2/piece
* Cup of chilled sideburns - $6
* Six-pack of Red Eye Ale - $7
* Marty's left index finger (rare) - $25


Janet 555-6456

April 19, 2009

Meetings

Friends of Len Kesterson
Spring meeting


On the agenda:

* Len's new pet hamster, Art
* Who is driving Len's grandfather, Merle, to his pottery class graduation ceremony?
* F.O.L.K Flashback: November 11, 2004-the day we met Ken Lesterson


April 30, 7:00 p.m. at Nancy and Leslie's apartment

Bird for sale



Murray

Age: 5
Likes: worms; power lines; Cheetos
Dislikes: cats with nothing to lose


$45
Brandon 555-8112

April 18, 2009

Thoughts for sale

Some of my oldest thoughts. Everything is 50% off


- Why do I collect my old sideburns and couldn't I use that shoe box for something more useful?
- There's something funny about the way that construction worker is holding that 'SLOW' sign.
- Professor Quigly's ears
- I don't understand parsnips
- I like the name 'Rory' A LOT
- What is that red thing on my elbow?
- Bill Laimbeer and Otis Nixon in dresses, slow dancing at my high school prom
- I don't even like parakeets, why do I own four of them?


Make me an offer -
Kurt 555-0772

April 17, 2009

Openings

Silly Fanny Buffet
Grand opening!



Spring specials:

- Salt Packets of the World
- Misshapen fish - 10 pieces for just $9.95
- Hot dog bun free with purchase of hot dog

**Plus**

* Buy one middle school custodian get the second free
* Baby-changing station now inside the women's restroom!
* Silly Fanny t-shirts now available (made of 100% owl):

"I Slipped & Fell Into a Pool of Gravy at Silly Fanny"
"Someone Gave me Change at Silly Fanny"
"Feathers/Morris - 1989"


Silly Fanny Buffet - 620 Flat Island Lane, East Plumptin

April 16, 2009

WANTED

WANTED


Unibrow Man
aka "Niles Morwood"

* For inciting a refried bean riot, robbing the 14th St. Mustard Shop and for general mayhem and disorder.


If you have any information, please contact the Kaynesport Sheriff's Department
555-1004

April 15, 2009

Pet personal ads

CATS FOR CATS



SC, age 4. I've got six-inch whiskers, ladies, and I poop anywhere I feel like it. My owner doesn't know what's going on.

Pepe box 75521


DOGS FOR DOGS


SWF, age 7. Shaved and looking for the same.

Tootsie box 11177


I'm 10-years old but I still know how to party.

Must be un-clipped.

Rufus box 43019


OTHER



Parrot looking for something new. I'm getting tired of the same, old cage scene and these dry, wheat crackers. Call me.

Dexter box 81802

April 14, 2009

For sale

VHS


WORKOUT VIDEOS
Now We're Blubbersizing! - Volume 3

MOVIES
Chicken Pox Tonight
Seaweedless in Seattle
The Eggplant and I



$6 each
Irene 555-3119

April 13, 2009

TV Listings

Feathers-TV Monday lineup!


REALITY TV

Celebrity Green House - 8:00 p.m.
Ryan learns the hard way that protecting his quartertback is easier than protecting his marigolds from slugs.

Help, my son's a ballerina! - 9:00 p.m.
The Harrisons try to teach their son, Nathaniel, the Cabbage Patch.

Will you take my mom out on a date? - 10:00 p.m.
Lydia's fart ruins dinner with Maxwell. Plus: Jorge's mother wears her girdle outside of her pants, prematurely ending her miniature golf date.


NIGHT AT THE MOVIES - 11:00 p.m.

10,000 Leaves Under the Tree



5:50 a.m. - Building your fantasy paper football team

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
April meeting


Books to discuss:

* I had a long talk with myself and we're trying to work things out - Daryn Klein
* 101 Things to do with Curdled Milk - Henrietta Stephenson
* The Encyclopedia of Hooded Sweatshirts - Chocolate House Publishing


Frozen soy sauce pops: Jillian




April 17, 7:00 p.m. at Ben & Corinne's apartment

April 12, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Shins (May, 2004; August, 2004)
Puppy Sneeze (February, 1991)
Hippo Worshipper (October, 2006; January, 2007)


$8 each
Murray 555-6301

April 11, 2009

Obituary

Hector and the Centipedes
1998-2009

The Centipedes-Lazlo Berry (lead vocals); Hector Shoshane (lead guitar); Oz Corley (bass guitar) and Jimmy Wocka (drums)-broke up after more than 2,500 live shows and seven albums, including the multi platinum 2005 LP, Couch Crumbs. Played a 2002 concert in only ponchos and galoshes to help raise awareness of rain. 2008 inductees into the Zoomont County Hall of Fame.

April 10, 2009

For sale

Boat




"Filamena"

- 7 HP
- Won 1989 Save the Sideburns Cup
- Second place in 1993 Kaynesport Regatta


$135 or best offer
Colton and Sara 555-4800


Free with purchase
* One child size Dribbledrobblers life jacket
* Charlie's pinky toe (underneath windshield)
* Two cans of Rory Light beer

April 9, 2009

Openings

Hotel

"More than just a hotel; it's a way for lice"




- New ceilings made with 100% munster cheese
- Take a cool, refreshing shower in our Big Bucket of Water (w/powder soap dispenser in ceiling)
- Free Egg on a Stick breakfast
- Next to Beefy's Fast Food Hut, Tooth's Liquor Store and The Pants Palace


Call for rates and availability 555-7333

Services

Exterminator for hire

"Was isn't it anymore"

We'll get rid of:

* Elbow hair
* Drawings of rabbits
* Guys named Chet
* 6th grade all-star baseball teams
* Uneaten water chestnuts
* Loose skin
* Rival exterminators


The X-Terminators 555-1381

April 8, 2009

Events

Dottie and the Amphibians




Free concert in Featherwood Park
April 11, 8:00 p.m.

Special guest musicians: Lil Doo Doo, The Housing Project, Ernidor & Rory


* Octopus are prohibited in the park *

April 7, 2009

Meetings

The People in Mary Leonard's Attic
Spring meeting


Items to discuss:

* Picking up the pieces: last week's fast-pitch softball loss to The People in Tim Crowley's Pantry
* Finding chaperones for our April 21 field trip to the backyard
* Mary's new chin/forehead


April 12, 7:00 p.m. at Gavin's town house

April 6, 2009

Letter from the editor




Dear readers,

Please stop mailing salamanders to our headquarters. The contest ended November, 2008.


Derwood Morris

April 5, 2009

For hire

Actor for hire

* 15 years experience *

- Played Johan on the hit TV series Life Without Socks
- Played George Washington in the 1988 Bainbridge Elementary School play Oh, Hello, Mr. President
- Can do a great sad face


Call for full list of credits and ankle shots
Rance Winfield 555-7919

April 4, 2009

Geese for sale

Ernie (6 years old) and Pops (3)




$25 each or both for $40

April 3, 2009

For sale

Freezer clearance sale


Purplish-brown goo on piece of cardboard - $9
Ice tray (14 full cubes) - $2
Possum steaks - 3 for $25


** April special**

* Piece of my roommate, Deron's ear (fight with Japanese film star Yao Sasaki; ear autographed by Sasaki) - $100


Gary 555-4011

April 2, 2009

Casting call

Gumdrop Theatre is holding auditions for our upcoming musical Look Out, Linda!

Looking for men and women of all ages and head sizes to try out for the following roles:

- Mrs. Donaldson
- Dream Rory
- Kent, the talking banana
- Young Linda
- Coach Mejia
- Reverend Donald "The Dream" O'Riley
- Evil Corinne
- Tommy (the rhinoceros in the attic)


Auditions: April 7-11, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. each night
The Gumdrop - 410 Flop Street, Goober City

April 1, 2009

Meetings

Smile a Day Convenience Store - #122
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Why you can't bring your pet turtle or snake to work
* Olin Jamison's assault with burrito trial: Q&A
* There is no such thing as the Give a Penny, Take a Pack of Cigarettes dish


** Please bring your own pants **


April 4, 2:00 p.m.

For sale

Halloween costumes


Captain Toenails - $10
Rory Pock (1970s version with celery antenna *rare*) - $13
Dr. Jalapeno - $40
Barbecue Sauce Man (w/out shoulder pads) - $25


Reggie 555-5771