March 31, 2009

Openings

Weiss-Bannister: The Free Clinic
Grand opening!

"Isn't it about time it is what it already was, but better?"


* Pre-naval care
* Am I blinking enough?
* Fake limps
* Too much ear hair is affecting my balance
* Nermdaphobia (Fear of patio furniture)
* Am I winking enough?
* Tube sock overdose


Weiss-Bannister - 500 Porter Street, West Dylan

March 30, 2009

Destinations

Looking for a great place to spend your summer vacation?

Morwood Spa & Resort & Dental School is waiting for you!



* Take a tour of our fabulous Visitor's Parking Lot and Front Lobby Brochure Table

* Hike up Eyebrow Mountain and relax in one of our world-famous Clam Chowder Spas (now with 12% more bouillon!)

* Nightly musical performances:

- The Soy Sauce Revival
- Barking Linda
- Salami Sandwich
- Ernie and the Bunsen Burners


And so much more!


Call 555-8117 for reservations


** Free molar extraction if you purchase by May 1 **

March 29, 2009

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

My girlfriend left me when it became clear I wouldn't be able to compete with Oprah. I even hosted my own show in the basement for a few weeks, but she didn't even notice. Looking to start over.

Kenneth box 32018


SWM, 32. Former quarterback for Crocker Creek High School (1992-1995). Voted "Best Nose" in senior yearbook.

Craig box 66586

March 28, 2009

For sale

Magazines

Women Named Cora (September, 2003, October, 2003)
Wrists & Ankles (May, 1979 - *rare*)
Puddle Water Collector (July, 2006; January, 2007)


$4 each
Eddie 555-0114

March 27, 2009

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
April meeting


Books to discuss:

Encyclopedia of Ranch Dressing Spills - Corin Shane
The Un-Nibbleable Man - Tony Conrad
The Idiot's Guide to Family Reunions - Chocolate House Publishing


Bean sprouts: Candace


April 3, 7:00 p.m. at Shanequa's condo

March 26, 2009

TV listings

Check out WDER's Thursday lineup!


REALITY TV


Make me a pick pocket - 8:00 p.m.

Darryl is eliminated after he mistakenly puts a $5 bill into someone's pocket.

Pimp my linen closet - 9:00 p.m.
After Mr. Delicious suggests a diamond-studded throw pillow, Cathy has a nervous breakdown and has to spend five minutes in The Hamper.

Following around the Delvecchios - 10:00 p.m.
Little Vinnie learns the literal and figurative meaning of "a knuckle sandwich".



MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.

Briefcase of a salesman



6:10 a.m. - Bus routes in your area

March 25, 2009

Home for sale




1 BR
0 BATH
3 WASP NESTS


* Used in the filming of the ground-breaking television documentary A Town Without Teeth
* Coming April, 2009: in-ground mayonnaise pool. Be the first on your block to take a dip in the mayo!


$9,000
Rance and Cynthia

March 24, 2009

Services

Private investigator for hire

"Today, more than ever"


* Is your barber pocketing your old hair?
* Who's wearing your donated knee brace
* Spotting phony mustaches
* Did that pigeon give you a funny look?
* The pinching of Molly Brandenburg
* Cutest cocker spaniel in the neighborhood


Call for rates and availability
Danny 555-7182

March 23, 2009

Obituaries

Fred Vanderells
1890-2009


Frequent contributor to Ear Hair: The Magazine; died of an apparent stapler overdose. A lifelong advocate of interracial deck sanding, Mr. Vanderells is survived by his parakeet, Sammy.


Vicky McDaniel
1919-2009


Lead singer for Vicky and the Mosquitoes (1942-1951). Loved mashed potatoes and collecting sideburns. Funeral services are Wednesday at 1:00 p.m., then it's off to Lindy's Fish N Chips for trivia.

March 22, 2009

Meetings

The Friends of Uri Shankesh
April meeting


On the agenda:

* Starting May 7th, we're taking the arm pit jiggle out of the Shankesh Shuffle
* Last week's ultimate frisbee loss to The Pals of Barry Crane: did anyone find the tip of Danny's left index finger?
* Who is dropping off Uri's nephew at his orthodontist appointment?



April 2, 7:00 p.m. at the Vines at Carverbluff apartment complex gazebo

March 21, 2009

For sale

1989 Dermoor Budster ZE




* Driver-side Melted Crumple Technology
* Half bologna sandwich in glove compartment
* Used for several road trips, including 2003 pilgrimage to Grapes Land, childhood home of Ernie Corley


$170 or best offer
Rick 555-6227

March 20, 2009

Children for sale

Kevin
Age: 5
Education: one year of kindergarten
Favorite game: Hide under the sink, scare Grandpa
Favorite TV show: The Dribbledrobblers

$200
Betty and Dan 555-4071


Felicity
Age: 6
Favorite TV show: Cody Shambot
Life's ambition: to grow up and become a stuffed animal
Special skills:
- nationally ranked poo flinger
- can write 30 words per minute on the living room wall

$120 or best offer
Corinne 555-6111

March 19, 2009

Services

Professional taster for hire

Unsure of what you're about to taste? Give me a call and I'll try it out first!


* Lettuce
* Convenience store ham sandwiches
* Mystery objects
* Grandma's pocketbook mints
* The good life
* Convenience store chimichangas
* Janet, two apartments down
* Your own medicine


And more!


Call for hourly rates and availability
Niles 555-3763

March 18, 2009

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


FEATURED AD OF THE DAY



Part-time mascot, "Squirts", for the Kaynesport Bluejays winter league baseball team. I'm famous for my December, 2008 run-in with a fan who sprayed me with mustard and relish while I was doing 'YMCA' on the roof of the dugout. I pulled that little kid's pants down; he cried. Anyway, those days are behind me. I'm a changed man, baby. Give me a ring, I'm probably at home microwaving some soup.
Josh 555-2022


SWM, age 31. I was married to the sea, but we split up when I almost drowned trying to save my Big Girl O'Clock hat. I've been seeing this gravel road for the past few months and we're looking for a third. Call me.
Scott 555-9681


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SBF, age 33. I've been told I bite in my sleep, but nothing has ever been proven.
Natalie 555-3991


I've got my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on my left shoulder. His name is Gutter.

Looking for a man named Gutter.
Alexis 555-7172

Meetings




Derwood Beach
Lifeguards meeting


On the agenda:

* We save everyone from drowning, not just women 25 and under
* Where in the sand is Ernie Mcafferty buried?


March 21, 3:00 p.m.

March 17, 2009

For sale

Uncle Ronald

Age: 43
Hair:
Thick - knuckles, ears
Thin - head, right leg


* Founded the musical group Spaghetti Moses
* Thinks pants are "unnecessary"
* Voted Most Likely to Name his First Child after a Soft Drink in his high school yearbook


$110
Dottie 555-4410

March 16, 2009

Announcements

Benton Wolverines 6th grade basketball
Post-season awards banquet


Schedule of events

6:00 p.m. - Cocktail hour and parking validation
6:55 p.m. - National anthem: Soy Sauce Revival
7:00 p.m. - Awards

- Shane Tully Award (most shots made in own basket)
- Nosiest Mother
- Ball Hog Award
- Biggest Forehead

8:30 p.m. - Dinner

Baked potato
Potato soup
Dessert: Potato chips


March 25 at Clam Street Banquet Hall

Services

Want to meet Joe Maglio?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

March 15, 2009

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #103
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please shave at home from now on
* The firing, re-hiring, re-firing and incarceration of drive-thru manager Corinne Thompkins
* There's no such thing as Bring Your Grandfather to Work Day


March 18, 3:30 p.m.

March 14, 2009

Saturday personal ad




SGI, age 9. I'm tired of the tree scene; looking for a nice, scaly woman to settle down with. I enjoy pacing up and down the sidewalk and eating ants.

Julio box 61283

For sale

Magazines


Mosquito Fancy (December, 2001)
Knee Hair (February, 1992; June, 1993; November, 1994)
Nosy Orthodontist (May, 2005; July, 2005)


$5 each
Patricia 555-6731

March 13, 2009

Home for sale



"Isn't it what it is, now more than ever?"


2 BR
0 WINDOWS
4 INNER TUBES

** Aunt Jeanine available for limited time **


$750/month
Debbie and Cooper 555-4401

March 12, 2009

Police report



Carl Clemente
Age: 59
Pants: no


March 11: Mr. Clemente was arrested for refusing to remove his beer helmet and cape in a government building.


Previous arrests


May, 2003: Arrested for providing false information. The accused claimed he was a Puerto Rican rooster named Juan and that the only way to get a stain out of a shirt is with dish washing detergent.

December, 1989: Taken into custody for impersonating an elevator. Mr. Clemente became disorderly after he claimed a female passenger insisted on pushing all of his buttons.

April, 1982: Arrested for possession of more than 12 penguins with intent to sell.



CLEMENTE, CARL

BAIL: $70

March 11, 2009

For sale

Pet lizard




Name: Ollie
Age: 8

We had a falling out over some orange stuff on my leg. I accused him of relieving himself; he said I was "just getting old." It's time for both of us to start over.

* Co-founder of the musical group Cricket Sam and the Ollies
* Fastest 40-yard dash time: 1.1 seconds (June, 2007)


$40
Reggie 555-9103

March 10, 2009

Meetings

Turn the Page book club
March meeting


Books to discuss:

Who microwaved my socks? - Janet Banneker
The idiot's guide to rear view mirrors - The Hirsch Group


Crackers: Tony


March 13, 7:00 p.m. at Olin and Debra's condo

Casting call

The Neck Hair Theater Company is holding auditions for the new musical Mejia, Mejia!

We're looking for men and women of all ages to audition for the following roles:


- Ernie
- Coach Jorgensen
- Misshapen Fred
- Angry Ernie
- Murph the Talking Armadillo
- Dream Helen


** Now hiring ceiling fan historians **


Auditions - March 12-14, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.


Neck Hair Theater Co. - 540 Crockett Place, Royster


March 9, 2009

For sale



Tires

Perfect for:

- Cars, trucks
- Tire fights


$4 each
Evan 555-2001



VHS

Edgar & Sandeep Escape from the Laundromat
Pinching Chloe
The Goshfather
Sneakered Man Walking



$5 each
Vanessa 555-9111

March 8, 2009

Meetings

MEETINGS


The People in the Woods - Plumptin Point Chapter
March meeting




Items to discuss:


* What was that noise?
* Let's stop carrying lunch meat in our pockets
* What we learned from Thursday's taunting of Murray the Raccoon


March 10, 8:00 p.m.

March 7, 2009

Meetings

Cluck's Chicken Hut - Store #71
March staff meeting


On the agenda:


* Say hello to our new cashier, D'Rondae
* The whereabouts of Captain Clucky
* We do not have a drive thru


March 10, 6:00 p.m.


** Please bring your own socks **

March 6, 2009

Services

Need someone poked or scratched?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

March 5, 2009

For sale

Spare bedroom clearance sale


Desk

* I LOVE SARAH carved into top, left corner

$35


Used Halloween costumes

Caesar Salad Man (w/crouton decoder ring) - $15
Dave Coulier - $3
Principal Allen - $6 (toupee add $2)
The Leaf Blower - $10


VHS player

- Doesn't work but has plenty of character

$4



Gary 555-6167

March 4, 2009

Dreams for sale

I'm selling a bunch of my old dreams; some go all the way back to my childhood.

Make me an offer.


- Quarterback for the Toronto Argonauts
- Crossing a bridge on a pogo stick while eating a tuna fish sandwich
- Go on a date with Derrick's mom
- Offensive coordinator for the Toronto Argonauts
- The maple syrup dream
- Leader of a biker gang called The Solution
- Firefighter
- Contestant on a game show; win a lifetime supply of mayonnaise



Zack 555-3303

March 3, 2009

TV listings

WDER'S Tuesday lineup


EXCITING LSAA ACTION!

Kippinger Falls at Betty's Bashers - 6:00 p.m.
The Lady of Wombat return to Fritz Field, site of last year's infamous Blouse Burn. The Bashers head into the contest with the league's best record and the 'Ol Poo Slinger, Natalie Milton, on the mound.


REALITY TV


Postal Worker Swap - 8:00 p.m.

Julio is eliminated after forgetting to put down the flag on the Corcoran's mailbox. Plus: Arnold wears his Captain Cucumber boxer shorts outside his regular shorts.

Will you go on a date with my father? - 9:00 p.m.
Maureen is mortified when her father, Ben, shows up to his date with Clara the Weather Girl with a half-shaved mustache.



LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE


I know whose nose you picked last summer
- 10:00 p.m.

Raj & Elroy escape from detention
- 11:30 p.m.



5:40 a.m. - Learn to Jaywalk

March 2, 2009

For sale

I'm selling all of my old nicknames


"Johnny Big Time"
"J-To-The-Max"
"Mustard Man"
"The Provoker" (8th grade spelling bee incident)
"Pee Pee Johnny" (Elementary school nickname-*rare*)


$15 each
John 555-2481

March 1, 2009

Services

Life coach for hire

Gwen
Age: 36
Experience:
- Life coach since 2007
- Girl's soccer coach (1995-1997)


* Trouble at stoplights
* Ruler anxiety: what should I measure?
* Looking good at the batting cage: 10 helpful hints
* How many cats is too many?
* Fear of Unibrows
* Celery addiction
* Don't tuck your pants into your socks


Call for hourly rates
555-8105