February 28, 2009

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
March meeting


Books to discuss:


Eggless Night
- Dorothy Crainpool
The idiot's guide to reaching for things - Editor: Ted Ellison
The Encyclopedia of elevator repairmen - Chocolate House Publishing



Horseradish cubes: Terry



March 7, 8:00 p.m. at Rory and Barbara's condo

February 27, 2009

Openings

Merle & Son Movie House
Grand Opening! - March 5


March movies


Slippers for Ernie
Dude, who took my pastrami sandwich?
Almost Humpback
I found his dandruff
Remember the Typists




Merle & Son's - 315 Nielson Avenue, Kaynesport

February 26, 2009

Pet personal ads

DOGS SEEKING DOGS




If I'm sniffing my butt, I just beefed, baby. Call me, we can hump my owner's leg, maybe pee on it a little.

Mookie box 77021



SWF, age 8. I'm tired of the dog park scene. Looking to meet a nice canine with really bad breath whose not afraid to admit he likes dry food.

Honey box 20238



CATS SEEKING CATS

I'm tired of scratching up this lady's new furniture all by myself. I want to settle down. Give me a call, I've got a bunch of cat nip and a bowl full of warm tap water.

Otis box 89911


SBM, age 10. I'm into extreme sports-running around with a shopping bag on my head; refrigerator diving; shadow fighting. If you're feeling adventurous, I'm your guy.

Miles box 10715

February 25, 2009

Home for sale




A beautiful two-bedroom home in the heart of the Grasshopper District



Comes with:

* Fireplace/TV area
* Uncle Herman
* Mashed Potato Man curtains in master bedroom
* Uncle Herman's toy soldier collection



$3,000
Bradley & Corinne 555-5441

February 24, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Caterpillar Fancy
(August, 2003; November, 2003)
Lollygagger (May, 1997)
Home Made Spaceship (May, 2005; October, 2005; February, 2006)



$6 each
Bobby 555-2323

February 23, 2009

Services

Handyman for hire

"The quality of my truck speaks for itself"


* Step-son/step-daughter removal
* Eyelash trimming
* Shouting at your neighbors
* Mirror straightening
* Shampoo/shave


New services for March, 2009:

- Following in others footsteps: wherever they go, I go
- Hug practice (ladies only)



Call now for rates and availability
Terry 555-0184

February 22, 2009

Meetings

Henry's Hardware
March staff meeting


On the agenda:


* The whereabouts of Arnold Gladsby
* What not to do with the lawnmower oil
* A galvanized nipple is not what you think it is



March 1, 3:00 p.m.

February 21, 2009

Public Service Announcement



Save the peanuts: help us keep the shells on

Call 555-0017

TV listings

WDER's Saturday lineup!


REALITY TV


Moping with the stars - 9:00 p.m.

Tony and Lanette wow the crowd with a flawless Shoulder Shrug.

Who wants to bathe a millionaire? - 10:00 p.m.
Helen is the first to be voted out of the bathroom and William advances to the quarterfinals of the Arm Pit Scrub.



MOVIE NIGHT
- 11:00 p.m.

Nostril Vacancy



6:10 a.m. - Finding the right tube socks

February 20, 2009

For sale

VHS

The Eyelash Diaries
Edgar & Sandeep vacuum the living room
I tickled Miranda


$4 each
Vanessa 555-8819


Gavin
Age 11

* Backup point guard on Kaynesport 5th grade all-star basketball team (1.3 PPG; 4 ejections)

$175 or best offer
Daniel and Harriet

February 19, 2009

Meetings

The Science Club - Midwest Chapter
February meeting


Items to discuss:

* Taking responsibility: the dissapearance of Professor Peabody's lucky clipboard
* What happened to all of the bunsen burners?
* Why we need our eyebrows


Celery shavings/plastic cups: Thomas


February 3, 7:00 p.m. - McMaster Auditorium

February 18, 2009

For sale

Bedroom closet sale

T-shirts - $5 each
Save the Cantaloupe (blue)
Plumptin City Little League All-Stars (Rodney #7, XS)
Rory Sharp and the Marshmallows, 1988 North American Tour (red)

Other clothing items
White jean shorts - $10 each or all three for $20
Poo Pieces tie (rare) - $10

Misc. items
Shoebox of mystery - $4


Ervin 555-4411

February 17, 2009

Meetings

Shueburg Youth Basketball Referees Association
Pre-playoffs meeting




On the agenda:

- Your whistle is not a weapon
- No cowboy boots on the court
- Why you only need to call traveling violations during games


February 27, 7:00 p.m. at Fenwick's Steakhouse, 17 Nettles Street

February 16, 2009

Openings

The Woodner Valley Recycling Center is having its grand opening
February 22




We recycle:

* Sideburns
* Cabbage
* Stepfathers
* Blast! Cola aluminum cans
* Treasure maps
* Extra skin
* Astronomers
* Softball fields


Woodner Valley Recycling Center - 1000 Arlington Way, Jasper City

February 15, 2009

For sale

Wood chips



$3 per handful

* Look for specially-marked grapefruits

Steve 555-8818



Magazines

Door Knob (October, 2007)
Eyelash Quarterly (April, 1999; June, 1999; November, 1999)
Pushing & Shoving (January, 2008)


$6 each

Harriet 555-1113

February 14, 2009

Closings

Come help us say goodbye to Heine Walsh Field
February 21




Some of The Walsh's most historic moments -

* Eight Kaynesport Flag Football Association city championship games, including the famous Cauliflower Massacre in 2003
* The chasing of Ernie Flanagan (Stage 5)
* Save the Worms benefit
* Officer Nick's "Pinching Doesn't Pay" lectures
* Used in the filming of the 1991 documentary Following Closely to Pigeons
* 2007 Lawnmower Olympics



Join us for the closing ceremonies, starting at 7:30 p.m.
333 Fenwick Street, Kaynesport

February 13, 2009

For sale

Couch



* Seats five
* Unopened Ecto Cooler juice box under right cushion (rare)
* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie I Scratched Diane


$70
Hurry, many interested
Nina and Robert 555-0014

February 12, 2009

New Product

Rory Light

"The eyebrow shaver's light beer"




* Raccoon-tested
* Won Best With Onion Dip at the 2008 Muggies


Pick up Rory & Rory Light at participating stores

February 11, 2009

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
February meeting


Topics to discuss:

* Andrea's new ears
* It's not too late to sign up for the 3rd annual Fleming Fest (March 10-12)
* Who is bringing the salad dressing to Andrea's grandfather Merle's 70th birthday party?


Macaroni necklaces: Tory


February 15, 7:00 p.m.

February 10, 2009

Police Report



Benjamin Vanderjagt
Age: 25
Pants: no


February 9 - Mr. Vanderjagt was arrested for failure to leave a dolphin tank in a timely manner. The accused said he couldn't leave the tank because "the fatter dolphin, Andy, owes me $20."


Previous arrests

October, 2007: Taken into custody for improper use of a dog leash after attempting to take his neighbor, Greg Danielson, for a walk.

April, 2005: Arrested for impersonating a 1998 Toyota Camry. Mr. Vanderjagt became hysterical when a female passenger refused to use his seat warmers.



VANDERJAGT, BENJAMIN
BAIL: $75

February 9, 2009

Meetings

Golden Jaurez Mexican Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Remembering Quesadilla Man
* Rat droppings in the tortilla soup: why Thursday's Happy Hour wasn't very happy
* Please do not accept gift cards from other restaurants
* Why you need to wear a belt and pants, not just a belt


February 10, 4:30 p.m.

February 8, 2009

For sale

Flanagan Groceries Store #410
Winter clearance event


Seedless watermelon - $5 each
Watermelon seeds - 15 for $1

Produce managers
Tom - $65
Rodney (assistant) - $42

February, 2009 magazines
Thirty Four
Hand Soap
Pointing & Laughing


Employee of the Month plaques - $10 each
Adrian Perkins (May, 2003)
Sandra Loney - w/gravy stain (September, 2008)


**Sale runs through February 28**

February 7, 2009

Services

Tammy Pederson
Psychiatrist for hire


* Fear of omelets
* Excessive matriculation
* Habitual Windshield Wiper Theft
* Voices inside your microwave
* Sea weed taunting
* Fear of washing machines
* Spicy Mustard Syndrome
* Chronic lawn wetting


Call 555-3317 for hourly rates

February 6, 2009

TV listings

WDER's Weekend Lineup!

Friday


REALITY TV

Watch me eat soup - 9:00 p.m.
Benita is caught trying to sneak clam chowder out of a restaurant in her pocket. Plus: Henry is disqualified from the Chicken Noodle Challenge when its revealed he used a plastic spoon to win his second-round match.

How much change is in my couch? - ALL STARS - 10:00 p.m.
The top contestants from the first three seasons return for an all-star challenge, set inside a Gorilla Ben's Furniture Store.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

How Rory got his shoes back



5:55 a.m. - Long division with Marty



Saturday

MSAA ACTION!

Goober City at Durden Plastics Inc. - 5:00 p.m.
The Eggbeaters return to Rory Blaine Stadium, site of last season's refried bean riots during the MSAA Playoffs. Durden Plastics Inc. will be without injured slugger Ivan Kleggo (elbow itch).

REALITY TV

Are you smellier than a 3rd grader? - 8:00 p.m.
Mr. Carlson and Tommy go head-to-head in the deodorant pits and the green team has a setback when Mrs. Vanderbilt is forced to spend a day in the Timeout Shower.

Fast Food Restaurant - 9:30 p.m.
Brandon is fired after cleaning his sneakers in the milk shake machine. Plus: Shelley overdoses on polynesian sauce and has to be rushed to the hospital.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Comb-Over Camp II



6:10 a.m. - Walking conditions in your area

For sale

Magazines


Paper Towel Enthusiast (August, 2003; January, 2004)
Mincing Around (March, 2006)
Envelope (December, 1990; February, 1991; May, 1991)
Screaming & Hollering (July, 1997)


$7 each
Paul 555-8102

February 5, 2009

For sale

Train




* 1983 Pepano S-9Z model
* Previous owners include Fred Savage impersonator, Ernie Paulsen, and the original Crouton Man
* Mashed potato car added December, 2008
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday movie Ya'll can keep 'em (my two front teeth)


$14,500 or best offer
Bert 555-7819

February 4, 2009

Meetings

The Traffic Watchers
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* Who lost their sunglasses in between the couch cushions?
* The Billboard Watchers: who do these guys think they are?
* Hubcaps For Charity: how you can help


Banana bread squares: Diane


February 11, 8:00 p.m. at Tettleburo Community Center

For sale

VHS

Prelude to an Apple Picking
Cole Milner's Daughter
Scratching Matilda
Edgar and Sandeep give each other Haircuts



$4 each
Glenda 555-4545

February 3, 2009

Thoughts for sale

Great winter deals on some of my oldest thoughts--


* What's so great about romaine lettuce?
* Ankle socks
* I shaved my arm hair two weeks ago, why hasn't any of it grown back?
* Mark Paul-Gosselaar
* Purple tank top?
* No one knows more Toronto Raptors trivia than I do
*
* I don't understand water chestnuts
* I'm sitting front row at a Van Halen concert in 1981. I yell to Eddie Van Halen "you should've played an A minor." He says, "you're right." We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.


$6 each


Devin 555-0115

TV listings

WMOR TV's Tuesday lineup


REALITY TV

Frank Island - 8:00 p.m.
Frank Banneker is voted off the island when his real name is revealed as Andrew and the orange team Franks put on a production of West Side Story. Special guest star: Frank Wilson.

Get my momma to church! - 9:00 p.m.
Barbara threatens to convert after not selling a single brownie at the bake sale. Plus: Nadine is caught putting Canadian quarters in the collection plate.

When refrigerators attack - 10:00 p.m.
Kevin's leg gets caught in the vegetable crisper and a can of flat Diet Coke turns on Melanie.


MOVIE OF THE WEEK - 11:00 p.m.

The Coleslaw Diaries



5:45 a.m. - Multiplication tables with Tavaris

February 2, 2009

Services

Joe Maglio for hire

* Dozens of services available *


555-9995

For sale

Novelty band aids

Left in stock:

- Flying Anchovies
- Clara Banana: Kid Librarian
- Satisfactory Man
- "Ouch, that hurts!"
- Satisfactory Man and the Nostril Avenger


50 pack - $14.95
100 pack - $19.95
Terese 555-7161

Obituaries

Helen Pendergast
1894-2009


Helen died doing what she loved: chasing children off of her lawn. Married her dental school sweetheart, Olin, and the couple had two children whom they refused to name. Got into politics during the 1970s but got out quickly, claiming it was "too political". Funeral services will be Thursday at 6:00 p.m., then its off to Sudds for Karaoke Night.


Ned Miranda
1889-2009


Beloved gardener and one of the founding members of the musical group Johnny and the Cold Cuts died of an apparent dish towel overdose. Miranda, best known for his public protests to ban same-sex furniture shopping, is survived by his pet goldfish, Freddie.

February 1, 2009

Announcements

Rico and Maryanne's 1st annual Super Bowl Bash


* Pre-game bathroom painting competition (Come early, grab a brush!)
* Vegetarian chili dunk tank
* Halftime musical performance by The Sweaty Girls
* Plenty of great food, including Maryanne's famous Dorito Caserole and Stuffed Chicken Wings (w/wing sauce)
* 2 1/2 kegs of Nuckles Beer


Special Super Sunday deals

- Toilet paper: $1/ply
- Toe nail clippers rental price: $3/hour


B.Y.O.P (Bring your own penguin)


TONIGHT at Rico & Maryanne's - 3205 Abner Avenue, Kaynesport

Call 555-6100 to RSVP