January 31, 2009

Saturday Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


FEATURED PERSONAL AD



SWM, age 30. I'm looking for a woman with a nice, confident limp. Call me, I'm probably at the Farmer's Market, waiting for Yanling to make some more dumplings.
Andy box 67719


Retired lollygagger. I've got a lot of momma issues, in that my mother, Harriet, lives with me and she's got a lot of issues. Is she in your spot on the couch? Push her off.
Brandon box 42002


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


Former Miss Beefy's Fast Food Hut (North American chapter). I've got a brand-new nose and I'm not afraid to sneeze with it if the mood is right.
Corinne box 33371


Middle school math teacher willing to try anything involving powdered sugar. No weird odors, please.
Linda box 53000

January 30, 2009

For Sale

MAGAZINES

All in near-mint condition -

Walking to the Mailbox (Holiday double issue: December, 2006)
Mashed Potato Fancy (August, 1988)
Glove Compartment (July, 2005)


$8 each
Paul 555-8102

January 29, 2009

For sale


FOR SALE



Crisp, new $50 bill


$60
Steven 555-4902

January 28, 2009

Services provided

Do you have a hard time telling people how you feel about certain things?

Give me a call and I'll give them a piece of your mind.


* People who name their children after a season
* Unicyclists
* People who describe their belly button lint
* Ear pickers
* People whose accents change when they say Spanish words


February Specials

Help with:

- Steering wheel drumming
- Loud phone calls
- Olive breath


Call for rates and availability
Seth 555-6671

January 27, 2009

For sale

Bus



Classic 1970 Blue Bullet model

- Seats 44
- (c)Possum Village in back

Bus highlights:

* Palms on the Stove Baptist Church bookmobile (1971-1978)
* The hideout for Horace "The Ear Collector" McKendry (1979-1982)
* The Chest Hairs tour bus (1988-1993)


$350
Fran and Kevin 555-0103

January 26, 2009

Police Report




Name: Vernon Sanderson
Age: 33
Pants: Yes


January 25: Mr. Sanderson was arrested for attempted murder (goldfish) when police found him pouring excessive amounts of soy sauce into his fish tank. Mr. Sanderson defended his actions by stating that the goldfish who disliked soy sauce was "out of town on business."


Previous arrests:

March, 2005: Arrested for failure to maintain two, distinct eyebrows, which is a felony in Yuntz County.

November, 2002: Arrested for kidnapping a clothing hamper, claiming that "corduroys weren't meant to be caged."

July, 1999: Taken into custody for impersonating a dinner plate. Mr. Sanderson became abusive and was handcuffed after a female guest refused to eat fried calamari out of his belly button.



SANDERSON, VERNON
BAIL: $15

January 25, 2009

TV listings

WDER'S Sunday lineup


REALITY TV

Give my grandpa a bath - 8:00 p.m.
Hillary is disqualified for over-shampooing. Plus: Grandpa Luis wears his robe and slippers into the bath.

My ears are full of what? - 9:00 p.m.
The housemates can't agree on what brand of mustard is pouring out of Troy's ears. Special guest star: Stuart Fratkin

2nd grader swap - 10:00 p.m.
The Donaldsons lose patience with Timothy after he puts his sneakers on the wrong feet again. Plus: the Greggs are devastated when Keanon reveals his favorite super hero is Wonder Woman.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Ankles in America



6:05 a.m. - Jogging in place with Trevor

January 24, 2009

Closings

Help us say goodbye to the Mop Top
February 6



The Westernsouth's oldest bar and worm store



Closing night festivities:

7:00 p.m. - Parade of Bouncers

7:30 p.m - Top 5 Mop Top Moments
Narrated by Cool 94.5 DJ Rory Ferguson

5. Smelling Lisa farewell concert
4. Harriet sets Earl on fire
3. The afternoon Chubby Mike ate all of the cocktail onions
2. Earl sets Harriet on fire
1. When Jimmy fell in the toilet, claimed he'd meant to, then to prove his point stayed in the toilet the entire night.

10:00 p.m. - Wet Sock Contest - Finals

11:00 p.m. - LIVE in concert: My Neighbor's Nostrils



The Mop Top - 1400 Cooper Street, Kaynesport

January 23, 2009

Meetings

Friends of Dottie Bedinfield
February meeting


Items to discuss:

* Dottie's new gloves: Q&A
* When is the last time Dottie finished a crossword puzzle?
* 2009 Dottie Fest volunteer signup


Mashed strawberries: Kelly



February 4, 7:00 p.m. at Oak Park apartment complex gazebo

January 22, 2009

Openings

The Morris-Jakely Movie Theater
Grand opening!




February movies

Sniffing Elijah
Edgar & Sandeep Rent a Minivan
The Horseradish Nine
39, Part 2
How Rory got his Shoes Back



Winter, 2009 specials

* Popcorn butter - $4/gallon
* Buy one 1st grader, get the second free (Wednesdays only)


The Morris-Jakely - 7755 Bainbridge Way, East Shueburg
Call 555-8183 for show times

January 21, 2009

Pet personal ads

DOGS SEEKING DOGS



I'm only seven years old, but I can pee all night. Call me, we can bury my owner's toupee in the backyard and see where it goes from there.

Jersey box 511



Single, Boston Terrier, age 3. Looking for a lady that'll help me find some squirrels.

Murphy box 287



CATS SEEKING CATS



I've been chasing shadows and my tail for years; it's time I settled down. I've got plenty of cat nip and my owner is always out of town on business, so we've got the toilet all to ourselves.

Roger box 646



OTHER


Owl, age 8, looking for a good listener.

Henry box 390

Services

HOSPITALITY


Do you need to go to the bathroom?

* First flush free, $3 for each additional flush
* Several issues of Standing & Sitting in upstairs bathroom
* Ear hair removal available upon request


JUST ADDED: Basement bathroom

- AM/FM radio


The McElroy's - 4110 Merriweather Lane, Kaynesport

January 20, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Other People's Feet (November, 2006; January, 2007)
Cat Breath Quarterly (May, 2003; July, 2003; February, 2004)
Cramping Up (March, 2008; May, 2008)


$6 each
Ernie 555-6606

January 19, 2009

Meetings

Head Scratchers Anonymous
February meeting

On the agenda:

- Picking up the pieces from last weekend's flag football loss to Pimple Pickers Anonymous
- What to do when something falls out and runs away


Frozen mayonnaise squares: Aaron


February 2, 8:00 p.m. at Corey and Irene's house

January 18, 2009

For sale

Moving sale
Everything must go!

VHS movies

I know whose nose you picked last summer
What salamanders want


$7 each


Soda

Blast! Cola, 77 oz. party bottle (rare) - $10


Bedroom accessories

Pillows
w/soy sauce stains - $4 each
w/out stains - $2 each

Vlade Divac poster - $25


Relatives

Grandpa Vernon - $45
Cousin Janice (deceased) - $32



Call for complete pricing list and directions to my house
Derek 555-7711

January 17, 2009

For rent

Schlofko Motor Inn
Room 102



* Once rented by John Stamos look-alike contest runner-up Joel Mandley (August 9-11, 2000)
* Free Potato Channel
* Shower fits 11


$35/night
Schlofko Motor Inn - 97 Wherton Street, Cole County


** Complimentary dozen eggs with room rental **

January 16, 2009

For sale

Miles





We used to have so much fun. Now, he just sits in the tree all day.


$40
Eric 555-0103

January 15, 2009

For sale

Vanity plates

**Great deals on some of my rarest license plates**

JURE 884 (Ohio)
769 RL6G (South Carolina)
ERWAXMAN (New Jersey)


$12 each
Olin 555-2216

January 14, 2009

TV listings

WDER's Wednesday lineup


REALITY TV


Will you go on a date with my uncle? - 7:00 p.m.

Uncle Hank's lunch date with Maryanne comes to an end when Hank picks his nose and wipes it on the table.

America's next top toll booth operator - 8:00 p.m.
Tony can't make change for a $20 bill and Kiesha's nervous breakdown causes her to give up the coveted Yellow Parka.

Pressure wash my driveway! - 9:00 p.m.
Carl gets into the Anderson's mail again. Special guest star: Willie Ames



LATE MOVIE SPECIAL - 11:00 p.m.

Spicy Mustard 2: Maury's Revenge




5:05 a.m.
- Pollen counts by state (with Gregory Selgewick)

January 13, 2009

Tuesday Personals

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


FEATURED PERSONAL AD



Former spelling bee runner-up looking for a good time.

Rory box 51397


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SWF, age 29. Some say I look like a young Demi Moore. Others say a young Dudley Moore. Give me a call and we'll decide together.

Samantha box 55800


This is my first time doing this, so I'm a little nervous. I've never typed before. I'm a 30-to-40ish woman who njoys sunsets and raisins. Call me, I'm probably home watching Maury Povich.

Beth box 10174

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
January meeting


Books to discuss:

* I smelled Johansen - Beatrice Cunningham
* Greer's Law Books: snowflake possession - Greer Publishing
* Shaving Murray - Gregory Steinbeck
* The encyclopedia of maroon windbreakers - Chocolate House Publishing


January 22, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's town house


Blueberry paste squares: Harvey

January 12, 2009

Openings

Rorinson Printing Company
GRAND RE-OPENING

We got the cheese smell out, ya'll!


* Ransom notes
* Beware of Grandmother Pinching signs
* Color copies (orange only)
* All-You-Can-Staple Thursdays


And much more!


Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County

January 11, 2009

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #84



Winter, 2009 staff meeting


On the agenda:


- Why it's not OK to sell your leftovers from home at the drive thru window
- Remembering Mustard Man
- The thousand island dressing pool in the parking lot: what went wrong in construction


January 17, 6:00 p.m.

January 10, 2009

Meetings

Mosquito Keepers Society
Winter meeting

Items to discuss:

- What are we going to do with all of these mosquitos?
- Giving them all names: why we have too many Andys
- Dragonfly Keepers Society: who do these guys think they are?


Grape jelly cups: Todd


January 30, 7:00 p.m. - McHenry Ballroom & Laundromat

January 9, 2009

Visit Derwood Forest & Resort


The smolderiest place on earth!


* See North America's only talking acorn, Ernie
* Cross Makipsey Bridge, where Danny proposed to Beth in the final episode of the hit sitcom Frowning Natalie
* Kayak down Derwood River with the legendary Olin Craig, author of Shut up and Kayak
* Get some sun and sand at Raccoon Beach


SPECIAL WINTER EVENTS

~ Every Friday: Soy Sauce Drinking Contests
~ First Sunday of each month: Musical guest Terrence Shane and the Centipedes



Derwood Forest & Resort
510 Pudinshot Lane, Tettleburo

Call 555-1918 for reservations

January 8, 2009

Meetings

Friends of Jan Jensen
Winter, 2009 meeting


On the agenda:

* Who is taking Jan's mother to the eye doctor?
* Should Jan have won Miss Kaynesport in 1997?
* Jan's new sweater
* FJJ TIME MACHINE - May 9, 2004: the day we met Jen Janson


Raspberry bread: Julio


January 11, 7:00 p.m.
Sequence and Rodney's house - 410 Waveley Avenue

Thoughts for sale

Plenty of good stuff available at discounted prices:

- Is "Big Dog" a good nickname to give myself?
- Stuart Fratkin
- The turkey sandwich I had at lunch yesterday was really good.
- I don't understand horseradish.
- Did the mole on my chin just turn purple?
- I block one of Larry Bird's three-pointers and grab the loose ball; he jogs over and says "good hustle, kid." We start hanging out and eventually go into business together selling affordable aluminum siding.
- My Kirk Cameron bobblehead doll


$10 each
Hector 555-4401

January 7, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Lettuce (January, 2004)
Hiding Under the Sink (May, 1999; September, 2001; October, 2001)
Cauliflower Quarterly (June, 2006; July, 2006)
Driving & Parking (December, 2002)
Shoulder Hair (February, 2002)
Possum Fancy (September, 1987; June, 1988)



$6 each
Paul 555-8102

For sale

Multi-family yard sale


Tons of great deals-


- Grass: $4/clump

Sprinklers
* Batman - $9
* Sonic the Hedgehog - $4
* Silvery-green - $2

- Tattered shoelace pieces: 5 for $1
- 1994 croquet wickets (rare): $55 each
- Mailbox flags: 3 for $5



Stanton Farms subdivision, Kaynesport City
January 17-18, noon-8:00 p.m.

January 6, 2009

Police report



Name: Preston Shoshane
Age: 26
Pants: no


January 5 - Taken into police custody for following too closely to a school bus. According to an eyewitness, Mr. Shoshane was screaming about 2% milk and demanding to see a pair of mittens.


Previous arrests:

November 6, 2007 - Shumway grocery store, Carter Avenue: Arrested for attempting to swallow a shopping cart, which is a rule 5 violation in Cole County.

May 11, 2003 - Arrested for impersonating a police horse.


SHOSHANE, PRESTON
BAIL: $60

House for sale




1 BR
4 BATH
2 IGUANA


Perfect for:

- Super Bowl parties
- Capturings/rehabilitations


$750/month
+ utilities
+ Grandpa Ben
+ Grandpa Ben's golf videos


Happy Bohemoth Reality 555-8110

Meetings

Standin' Around
January meeting


On the agenda:

* Q&A: the dissapearance of Kenny Sanderson
* Should we stand over there?
* Drivin' Around: who do these guys think they are?
* 2008 Awards

- Slowest to sit down
- Leg drummer of the year

and more!


January 14, 7:30 p.m.


Banana cubes: Ethan

January 5, 2009

Openings

Spayesley Drive-In Movie Theatre & Cement Emporium
GRAND RE-OPENING!


January movies-

Smelling Clarence
Dude, what time is it?
Ken and Raju run a red light
A Perpendicular Summer
Indecent Nakedness



*Specials*

* Buy 1, get 1 free- smooshed Sour Patch Kids
* Obstructed view spaces: $3
* Cement blocks - $4 each

Children
* Tommy, age 5
* Cr'Shonsay, age 7

$150 each


Spayesley Drive-In - 100 Picko Street, Plumptin

January 4, 2009

Call for actors and actresses


JEAN SHORTS CO.


The Jean Shorts Theater Company is holding auditions for our one-act play, What About Cody?

We're looking for men and women of all ages to audition for the following roles:


Jillian
Chef Nick
Kate
Voice of killer pumpkin
Coach Stansky
Old Bruce
Dream Kate
Shrunken Cody


Auditions: January 20-23, 7:00 p.m. each night
**Please bring your own socks and shoes

For sale

Magazines

Nodding Off - January, 2005; March, 2005
Crouton Sympathizer - November, 2003; March, 2004
Falling & Whining About It - July, 2000


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

January 3, 2009

TV listings

WDOO's Saturday lineup!


MSAA ACTION

Sean's Sluggers at Tico Hardware - 8:00 p.m.

The Sluggers, who have lost seven consecutive games, return to Hammerhead Stadium, scene of last year's refried bean attacks. Tico Hardware, Murton Conference champions the past three seasons, will play without injured first baseman Bog Piso (torn eyebrow).


REALITY TV


Lawnmower Swap - 10:00 p.m.
The Petersons can't agree on who should pull the cord.

Somebody Stinks! - 10:30 p.m.

Semi finals of the Southwest Regional Deodorant Challenge. At dinner, Marcy farts in the middle of grace.


MOVIE DOO - Late night feature


Gravy Expectations - 11:00 p.m.



5:15 a.m. - Jogging with Rory

Pet personal ads

Cats seeking cats



Believe it or not, I love the water. Baths; the sink; sprinklers--I get into it all.

Willard box 404


SBM, age 9. I'm mostly into scratching up the furniture. Anyone's furniture, baby. Call me.

Hector box 779

January 2, 2009

Services

Do you have a lot of things to write down and not enough time in the day to write them all? Give me a call and let me put over 20 years experience writing things down to work for you. I specialize in notebooks; I can write in college ruled; wide ruled; no lines; spiral/non-spiral.

* 100% ballpoint *


Starting February, 2009:


-- Seminars: How to write legibly on someone's hand
-- Napkin doodling dos and donts
-- The re-birth of Margin Man


Call for hourly rates
Keith 555-7172

For sale

Toy ax




- Wooden
- Used in the Mosquito Wars of 2004 & 2006
- Once belonged to Ralph Macchio impersonator, Ben Farmer

$30
*w/ blade sharpener (wooden) $40

Ross 555-8110

January 1, 2009

For sale

2008 calendars

Wall
* Kittens
* Plumptin County Zoologists

Desk
* 365 days of Celery
* Shimples Fact-a-Day


$5 each or best offer
Joseph 555-3008