Great deal on some of my oldest shirts
* The Durlys - World Tour 1992
* Turquoise (w/barbecue sauce stain)
* "And I was like, what-ever"
$8 each or all three for $20
Bobby 555-2323
September 30, 2009
September 29, 2009
For rent
Taylor
Age: 4
Specializes in:
- Microwaving goldfish
- Toupee relocation
- Coming up with nicknames for little sisters (most popular: "Poopy Butt")
* Comes with head lice
$35/hour
Jim and Tanya 555-5675
Age: 4
Specializes in:
- Microwaving goldfish
- Toupee relocation
- Coming up with nicknames for little sisters (most popular: "Poopy Butt")
* Comes with head lice
$35/hour
Jim and Tanya 555-5675
Garage for sale
* Fits 1/3 of a car
* Several boxes of celery free with purchase
Former occupants:
- Plunger Rock band Hobo Winfrey
- A family of raccoons ("The Petersons")
- Float from 1986 Oscar Rainbow Appreciation Day parade
** Was used in the filming of the 2006 horror film I can smell you melting
$119
Roxanne 555-1018
Hurry, many interested
September 28, 2009
For sale
Mattress
- Rectangular
- Used in two Halloween costumes:
* "Mattress Man" (2003)
* "Bed Ghost" (2006)
$11 or best offer
Ian 555-2381
- Rectangular
- Used in two Halloween costumes:
* "Mattress Man" (2003)
* "Bed Ghost" (2006)
$11 or best offer
Ian 555-2381
September 27, 2009
Closings
Noodle Fred's Discount Records
Final week sale - September 27 - October 3

Some of our most-popular records at low, low prices:
(Dependin' On) Salami Folk - The Salamanders
The Clumpy Man Cometh - Clumpy Man
The Dark Side of the Mule - Ingo
and more!
**Plus**
Buy one get one free four-year olds (October 2-3)
Noodle Fred's - 17 Feathers Place, Kaynesport
Final week sale - September 27 - October 3
Some of our most-popular records at low, low prices:
(Dependin' On) Salami Folk - The Salamanders
The Clumpy Man Cometh - Clumpy Man
The Dark Side of the Mule - Ingo
and more!
**Plus**
Buy one get one free four-year olds (October 2-3)
Noodle Fred's - 17 Feathers Place, Kaynesport
September 26, 2009
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
"Remember when it already was what it is?"
* Fear of drowning in the sink
* Excessive air high fiving
* Voices on top of your head
* Ice cube anxiety
* Vitztephobia (fear of fabric softener)
* Porcupine envy
* Whistling battles in church: keeping it real
Call for rates
Jaqueline 555-3657
"Remember when it already was what it is?"
* Fear of drowning in the sink
* Excessive air high fiving
* Voices on top of your head
* Ice cube anxiety
* Vitztephobia (fear of fabric softener)
* Porcupine envy
* Whistling battles in church: keeping it real
Call for rates
Jaqueline 555-3657
September 25, 2009
For sale
Andrew
Age: 42
Likes: Smelling himself; getting a second opinion; pretending to understand French; one-man ranch dressing drinking contests.
$105 or best offer
Hurry, many interested
Cassandra 555-2002
Age: 42
Likes: Smelling himself; getting a second opinion; pretending to understand French; one-man ranch dressing drinking contests.
$105 or best offer
Hurry, many interested
Cassandra 555-2002
For sale
Apartment-wide sale
Workout videos
* Now We're Blubbersizing! Volume 7 - $9
* Lyle's Mile Trial & Bile - $2
Cat paw nails
* 10 for $5
Magazines
Paper Clip Fancy (May, 2006)
Stinky Joanne (December, 1993 - special holiday double issue)
Unibrow Comber (January, 2000)
- $6 each
Terry 555-5471
Workout videos
* Now We're Blubbersizing! Volume 7 - $9
* Lyle's Mile Trial & Bile - $2
Cat paw nails
* 10 for $5
Magazines
Paper Clip Fancy (May, 2006)
Stinky Joanne (December, 1993 - special holiday double issue)
Unibrow Comber (January, 2000)
- $6 each
Terry 555-5471
September 24, 2009
Meetings
The Friends of Wes Lester
October meeting
Items to discuss:
* Wes Fest '09: what happened to all of the cole slaw?
* There is too much hair on Wes' knee caps
* Should Wes have played more on his junior varsity baseball team? Q&A with former Crandall County JV team manager Hermon Brewster
* FOWL Turn Back the Clock: the day we met Les Wester
Cucumber juice cups: Martha
October 2, 7:00 p.m. at Nathaniel's house
October meeting
Items to discuss:
* Wes Fest '09: what happened to all of the cole slaw?
* There is too much hair on Wes' knee caps
* Should Wes have played more on his junior varsity baseball team? Q&A with former Crandall County JV team manager Hermon Brewster
* FOWL Turn Back the Clock: the day we met Les Wester
Cucumber juice cups: Martha
October 2, 7:00 p.m. at Nathaniel's house
September 23, 2009
Lizard for sale

Jeffrey
Age: 2
We used to be so close-we'd talk about bugs he'd eaten, mud. Now we just sit in silence. Plus, I think he's jealous of my new goldfish, Pierre. It's time for both of us to move on with our lives.
$30 or best offer
Charlie 555-7901
September 22, 2009
For sale
DVDs
Kevin Vacuumcleanerfeet
I Know where you Snorkeled Last Summer
Picnic: Impossible
$15 each
Keyontay 555-5408
Kevin Vacuumcleanerfeet
I Know where you Snorkeled Last Summer
Picnic: Impossible
$15 each
Keyontay 555-5408
September 21, 2009
For sale
Bumper stickers
* "My child got head lice at Watkins Middle School"
* "Lasagna socks"
* "End sneezing by 2075"
$4 each
Barry 555-3248
* "My child got head lice at Watkins Middle School"
* "Lasagna socks"
* "End sneezing by 2075"
$4 each
Barry 555-3248
September 20, 2009
Openings
The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening!
September specials:
* Chopped slippers w/shampoo vinaigrette
* Thumbs of Barry on wheat
* Bread sandwich w/napkin sprinklings
* Pine cone crumble panini
* The Ernie Caufield
BYOL (Bring your own lettuce)
Sandwich Hole - 457 Rogers Avenue, East Plumptin
Grand opening!
September specials:
* Chopped slippers w/shampoo vinaigrette
* Thumbs of Barry on wheat
* Bread sandwich w/napkin sprinklings
* Pine cone crumble panini
* The Ernie Caufield
BYOL (Bring your own lettuce)
Sandwich Hole - 457 Rogers Avenue, East Plumptin
September 19, 2009
For rent
1 BR
1/2 ROOF
0 FRONT WALL
* Squirrel (Larry) free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Watch Me Shovel Snow
$89/month
Gwen 555-6845
September 18, 2009
Meetings
Smile Wish Chinese Restaurant
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Egg Drop Soup should not be taken literally
* The disappearance of line cook, Manny Gallagher: Q&A
* "All you can drink soy sauce" is not this month's special
September 21, 11:00 a.m.
**Please bring your own shirt and pants**
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Egg Drop Soup should not be taken literally
* The disappearance of line cook, Manny Gallagher: Q&A
* "All you can drink soy sauce" is not this month's special
September 21, 11:00 a.m.
**Please bring your own shirt and pants**
Services
Hannah
* Three-years old, but some say I'm "three going on 21"
Call 555-2187 to schedule an appointment
Acceptable methods of payment:
* Empty boxes
* Applesauce
* Balloon penguins
September 17, 2009
For sale
Used Halloween costumes
* Baked Bean Avenger - $15
* Cholly Fingerson - $30
* Uncle Merle (w/omelet cap) - $7
* Liceman (rare) - $75
* Weenie Travis - $12
Bruce 555-4177
* Baked Bean Avenger - $15
* Cholly Fingerson - $30
* Uncle Merle (w/omelet cap) - $7
* Liceman (rare) - $75
* Weenie Travis - $12
Bruce 555-4177
September 16, 2009
Events
1st annual Kirby Aid (benefiting guys named Kirby) is coming to the Kaynesport Grounds

"It's time we gave something back to the Kirbys: their tube socks."
- Festival organizer Murray Shane
Dozens of musical acts, including:
Rory
Lil' Pipsqueak (featuring The Toenail Clippaz)
Forehead
They Used to be Mailmen
Ernie & the Unconcerned
Special attractions:
* Turkey gravy dunk tank
* The continued police search for Lon Barfield, "The Crouton Snatcher"
* Pinching booth
Delicious local cuisine:
* Hot dogs
September 26, 1:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.
Tickets: 555-3251
"It's time we gave something back to the Kirbys: their tube socks."
- Festival organizer Murray Shane
Dozens of musical acts, including:
Rory
Lil' Pipsqueak (featuring The Toenail Clippaz)
Forehead
They Used to be Mailmen
Ernie & the Unconcerned
Special attractions:
* Turkey gravy dunk tank
* The continued police search for Lon Barfield, "The Crouton Snatcher"
* Pinching booth
Delicious local cuisine:
* Hot dogs
September 26, 1:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.
Tickets: 555-3251
September 15, 2009
For sale
Magazines
Doofus Quarterly (May, 1991; July, 1991)
Plumpy Margaret for Kids (November, 2003)
Linguine Vest Maker (January, 2008; March, 2008; August, 2008)
The Journal of Modern Silence (February, 1977)
$2 each
Paul 555-8102
Doofus Quarterly (May, 1991; July, 1991)
Plumpy Margaret for Kids (November, 2003)
Linguine Vest Maker (January, 2008; March, 2008; August, 2008)
The Journal of Modern Silence (February, 1977)
$2 each
Paul 555-8102
September 14, 2009
For sale
TV
Hepanokko 30-inch big screen
* Melted candle on top, left corner (pomegranate cider)
* No on/off button so the TV is always on
* Jeremiah Jr., age 3, free with purchase
$43
Jeremiah 555-9791
Hepanokko 30-inch big screen
* Melted candle on top, left corner (pomegranate cider)
* No on/off button so the TV is always on
* Jeremiah Jr., age 3, free with purchase
$43
Jeremiah 555-9791
September 13, 2009
Meetings
Friends of Talia Baker
September meeting
On the agenda:
* Who's picking up Talia's nephew, K'Ondre at his orthodontist appointment?
* Talia's new lips
* For our October 7 field trip to Talia's middle school lunch table, we still need deposits from: Jojo, Lori and Hev'in
Mushroom pops: Ellen
September 17, 7:00 p.m. at the 73rd Street Beefy's Fast Food Hut
September meeting
On the agenda:
* Who's picking up Talia's nephew, K'Ondre at his orthodontist appointment?
* Talia's new lips
* For our October 7 field trip to Talia's middle school lunch table, we still need deposits from: Jojo, Lori and Hev'in
Mushroom pops: Ellen
September 17, 7:00 p.m. at the 73rd Street Beefy's Fast Food Hut
September 12, 2009
Services
Van driver for hire

"Don't you think it's about time is became what it used to be again?"
Famous clients include:
- Kirby Klein, "The Lettuce Jewelry King"
- Children's television star Porcupine Martha
- Pinching great Wendell Cooper
September specials
* Egg salad sandwich free with reservation (limited time only)
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone" by Peggy Cliff stuck in 8-track player
Call for rates
Charlton 555-3246
** BYOWM (bring your own walrus mask) **
"Don't you think it's about time is became what it used to be again?"
Famous clients include:
- Kirby Klein, "The Lettuce Jewelry King"
- Children's television star Porcupine Martha
- Pinching great Wendell Cooper
September specials
* Egg salad sandwich free with reservation (limited time only)
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone" by Peggy Cliff stuck in 8-track player
Call for rates
Charlton 555-3246
** BYOWM (bring your own walrus mask) **
September 11, 2009
Meetings
Pat's Pets
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's that smell?
* Our flag football loss to Pete's Pets: what went wrong
* Customers are not allowed to go fishing in the aquariums
September 14, 1:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's that smell?
* Our flag football loss to Pete's Pets: what went wrong
* Customers are not allowed to go fishing in the aquariums
September 14, 1:00 p.m.
September 10, 2009
September 9, 2009
Services
Mr. Do-it-all for hire
"I am what it is and was, and then some."
* Personal waver
* Celery hoarding: Q&A
* Shouting at crossing guards
* Meeting the right Murray
* Where to staple and when
* Goldfish naming 101
Call for rates and availability
Barry 555-1002
"I am what it is and was, and then some."
* Personal waver
* Celery hoarding: Q&A
* Shouting at crossing guards
* Meeting the right Murray
* Where to staple and when
* Goldfish naming 101
Call for rates and availability
Barry 555-1002
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
September meeting
Books to discuss:
* When Noodles Marry - Terrell Adams Jr.
* The They and I - Amanda Fletcher
* The Encyclopedia of Softball Sacrifice Bunts - Chocolate House Publishing
Frozen ketchup cubes: Bryan
September 13, 7:00 p.m. at Jim & Gwen's house
September meeting
Books to discuss:
* When Noodles Marry - Terrell Adams Jr.
* The They and I - Amanda Fletcher
* The Encyclopedia of Softball Sacrifice Bunts - Chocolate House Publishing
Frozen ketchup cubes: Bryan
September 13, 7:00 p.m. at Jim & Gwen's house
September 8, 2009
For sale
Apartment-wide sale
- T-shirts
* "Chin Salad - World Tour, 1989"
* "Kaynesport Dolphins Region 7 Champions"
* Purple
- Salami sandwich (half)
- Children's toys
* Kirby Booger Boy plush doll
* Salamander Dan play set
- Jeremy
* Age 37
* Prize possession: mustard helmet autographed by Grady Reynolds
Call for prices/back scratches (cats only)
Sam 555-7610
- T-shirts
* "Chin Salad - World Tour, 1989"
* "Kaynesport Dolphins Region 7 Champions"
* Purple
- Salami sandwich (half)
- Children's toys
* Kirby Booger Boy plush doll
* Salamander Dan play set
- Jeremy
* Age 37
* Prize possession: mustard helmet autographed by Grady Reynolds
Call for prices/back scratches (cats only)
Sam 555-7610
September 7, 2009
September 6, 2009
Home for sale
1 BR
1/16 BATH
2 BEE HIVE/KITCHEN CABINET
* Once owned by College Crawling hall of famer Bingo Crumpley
* Used in the filming of the 1988 television documentary Frail Men
$80/month
Clem & Diane 555-9790
September 5, 2009
For sale
Magazines
Ralph (July, 2004; September, 2004)
Flumbering Ninny (January, 1998)
Dandruff Collector (October, 1999)
Pinch & Flee (May, 2007; December, 2007)
Pine Cone Helmet Maker (January 1982)
$3 each
Evelyn 555-8173
Ralph (July, 2004; September, 2004)
Flumbering Ninny (January, 1998)
Dandruff Collector (October, 1999)
Pinch & Flee (May, 2007; December, 2007)
Pine Cone Helmet Maker (January 1982)
$3 each
Evelyn 555-8173
September 4, 2009
Services
Advice man for hire
"You want my advice? I think you should take my advice from now on."
* Anchovies were not meant to be worn as earrings
* Don't put mayonnaise in your lemonade
* "Stay away from guys named Ted" - part 1
* Sending your ex-girlfriend "hair lockets": Q&A
Call for hourly rates
Seth 555-4747
"You want my advice? I think you should take my advice from now on."
* Anchovies were not meant to be worn as earrings
* Don't put mayonnaise in your lemonade
* "Stay away from guys named Ted" - part 1
* Sending your ex-girlfriend "hair lockets": Q&A
Call for hourly rates
Seth 555-4747
September 3, 2009
Meetings
Ernie's Grocery - Store #22
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Milk does not come with a prize inside
* The whereabouts of assistant seafood manager, Derek
* What's the code for water chestnuts?
September 7, 2:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Milk does not come with a prize inside
* The whereabouts of assistant seafood manager, Derek
* What's the code for water chestnuts?
September 7, 2:00 p.m.
September 2, 2009
New Headquarters
The Bobby Classifieds has moved its headquarters to 235 Piso Street in downtown Kaynesport. Come help us celebrate our new building, September 5.
Scheduled events:
7:00 p.m. - National Anthem performed by Ankle Hair
7:15 p.m. - Silent auction
Some of the items up for bid:
- Staff writer Nick Leonard's TALK TO THE HANDLE coffee mug
- Dennis Haskins bobblehead doll
- Rare photos of copy editor Helen Tomlinson at the final production of "Salt Shakers On Ice" (July, 1997)
9:00 p.m. - Let's get Paul Garrison drunk
9:30 p.m. - Special musical performance by Johnny and the Lunchmeats
11:00 p.m. - Closing speech by editor-in-chief Derwood Morris - "Don't Tell Anyone You Were Here Tonight"
11:45 p.m. - Lawn mow your way to the parking lot
September 5 starting at 7:00 p.m.
235 Piso Street
For hire
Handyman
* Paper cuts
* "Ebeneezer" exterminations
* Nostril flushes
* Staple remover removers
* Sideburn maintenance
* Dead things under sink identification/removal
* Hug Olympics preperation
Call for rates and availability
Ed 555-6450
* Paper cuts
* "Ebeneezer" exterminations
* Nostril flushes
* Staple remover removers
* Sideburn maintenance
* Dead things under sink identification/removal
* Hug Olympics preperation
Call for rates and availability
Ed 555-6450
September 1, 2009
TV listings
WDER'S new Tuesday lineup!
REALITY TV
Let's Get Ru-Ru & Lil' Pipsqueak Some Booty - 7:00 p.m.
Presh'is and Mimi are eliminated and have to spend a night in the Stank Barn.
Will Someone Take my Son to the Homecoming Dance? - 8:00 p.m.
Ricky farts in the movie theater, prematurely ending his date with Maureen. Plus: Mrs. Donaldson and her son, Joey, practice pinning a corsage on the family dog, Buster.
Housekeeper Swap - ALL STARS - 9:00 p.m.
The Patterson's housekeeper picks up the wrong kids at soccer practice and the Banneker's housekeeper gets trapped underneath the living room couch.
MOVIE NIGHT Double Feature
Big Ear Camp 2 - 9:30 p.m.
Dude, Who Stole my Ant Farm? - 11:00 p.m.
6:05 a.m. - Perfecting your fake limp
REALITY TV
Let's Get Ru-Ru & Lil' Pipsqueak Some Booty - 7:00 p.m.
Presh'is and Mimi are eliminated and have to spend a night in the Stank Barn.
Will Someone Take my Son to the Homecoming Dance? - 8:00 p.m.
Ricky farts in the movie theater, prematurely ending his date with Maureen. Plus: Mrs. Donaldson and her son, Joey, practice pinning a corsage on the family dog, Buster.
Housekeeper Swap - ALL STARS - 9:00 p.m.
The Patterson's housekeeper picks up the wrong kids at soccer practice and the Banneker's housekeeper gets trapped underneath the living room couch.
MOVIE NIGHT Double Feature
Big Ear Camp 2 - 9:30 p.m.
Dude, Who Stole my Ant Farm? - 11:00 p.m.
6:05 a.m. - Perfecting your fake limp
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