September 30, 2009

T-shirts for sale

Great deal on some of my oldest shirts

* The Durlys - World Tour 1992
* Turquoise (w/barbecue sauce stain)
* "And I was like, what-ever"


$8 each or all three for $20
Bobby 555-2323

September 29, 2009

For rent

Taylor
Age: 4

Specializes in:

- Microwaving goldfish
- Toupee relocation
- Coming up with nicknames for little sisters (most popular: "Poopy Butt")


* Comes with head lice


$35/hour
Jim and Tanya 555-5675

Garage for sale




* Fits 1/3 of a car
* Several boxes of celery free with purchase


Former occupants:

- Plunger Rock band Hobo Winfrey
- A family of raccoons ("The Petersons")
- Float from 1986 Oscar Rainbow Appreciation Day parade


** Was used in the filming of the 2006 horror film I can smell you melting


$119
Roxanne 555-1018

Hurry, many interested

September 28, 2009

For sale

Mattress

- Rectangular
- Used in two Halloween costumes:

* "Mattress Man" (2003)
* "Bed Ghost" (2006)


$11 or best offer
Ian 555-2381

September 27, 2009

Closings

Noodle Fred's Discount Records
Final week sale - September 27 - October 3




Some of our most-popular records at low, low prices:

(Dependin' On) Salami Folk - The Salamanders
The Clumpy Man Cometh - Clumpy Man
The Dark Side of the Mule - Ingo

and more!


**Plus**

Buy one get one free four-year olds (October 2-3)


Noodle Fred's - 17 Feathers Place, Kaynesport

September 26, 2009

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Remember when it already was what it is?"


* Fear of drowning in the sink
* Excessive air high fiving
* Voices on top of your head
* Ice cube anxiety
* Vitztephobia (fear of fabric softener)
* Porcupine envy
* Whistling battles in church: keeping it real


Call for rates
Jaqueline 555-3657

September 25, 2009

For sale

Andrew
Age: 42

Likes: Smelling himself; getting a second opinion; pretending to understand French; one-man ranch dressing drinking contests.


$105 or best offer
Hurry, many interested

Cassandra 555-2002

For sale

Apartment-wide sale


Workout videos

* Now We're Blubbersizing! Volume 7 - $9
* Lyle's Mile Trial & Bile - $2


Cat paw nails

* 10 for $5


Magazines

Paper Clip Fancy (May, 2006)
Stinky Joanne (December, 1993 - special holiday double issue)
Unibrow Comber (January, 2000)

- $6 each


Terry 555-5471

September 24, 2009

Meetings

The Friends of Wes Lester
October meeting


Items to discuss:

* Wes Fest '09: what happened to all of the cole slaw?
* There is too much hair on Wes' knee caps
* Should Wes have played more on his junior varsity baseball team? Q&A with former Crandall County JV team manager Hermon Brewster
* FOWL Turn Back the Clock: the day we met Les Wester


Cucumber juice cups: Martha


October 2, 7:00 p.m. at Nathaniel's house

September 23, 2009

Lizard for sale




Jeffrey
Age: 2

We used to be so close-we'd talk about bugs he'd eaten, mud. Now we just sit in silence. Plus, I think he's jealous of my new goldfish, Pierre. It's time for both of us to move on with our lives.


$30 or best offer
Charlie 555-7901

September 22, 2009

For sale

DVDs


Kevin Vacuumcleanerfeet
I Know where you Snorkeled Last Summer
Picnic: Impossible



$15 each
Keyontay 555-5408

September 21, 2009

For sale

Bumper stickers


* "My child got head lice at Watkins Middle School"
* "Lasagna socks"
* "End sneezing by 2075"


$4 each
Barry 555-3248

September 20, 2009

Openings

The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening!


September specials:

* Chopped slippers w/shampoo vinaigrette
* Thumbs of Barry on wheat
* Bread sandwich w/napkin sprinklings
* Pine cone crumble panini
* The Ernie Caufield


BYOL (Bring your own lettuce)


Sandwich Hole - 457 Rogers Avenue, East Plumptin

September 19, 2009

For rent



1 BR
1/2 ROOF
0 FRONT WALL


* Squirrel (Larry) free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Watch Me Shovel Snow


$89/month
Gwen 555-6845

September 18, 2009

Meetings

Smile Wish Chinese Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Egg Drop Soup should not be taken literally
* The disappearance of line cook, Manny Gallagher: Q&A
* "All you can drink soy sauce" is not this month's special


September 21, 11:00 a.m.


**Please bring your own shirt and pants**

Services


Hannah

* Three-years old, but some say I'm "three going on 21"

Call 555-2187 to schedule an appointment


Acceptable methods of payment:

* Empty boxes
* Applesauce
* Balloon penguins

September 17, 2009

For sale

Used Halloween costumes


* Baked Bean Avenger - $15
* Cholly Fingerson - $30
* Uncle Merle (w/omelet cap) - $7
* Liceman (rare) - $75
* Weenie Travis - $12


Bruce 555-4177

September 16, 2009

Events

1st annual Kirby Aid (benefiting guys named Kirby) is coming to the Kaynesport Grounds



"It's time we gave something back to the Kirbys: their tube socks."

- Festival organizer Murray Shane


Dozens of musical acts, including:

Rory
Lil' Pipsqueak (featuring The Toenail Clippaz)
Forehead
They Used to be Mailmen
Ernie & the Unconcerned



Special attractions:

* Turkey gravy dunk tank
* The continued police search for Lon Barfield, "The Crouton Snatcher"
* Pinching booth


Delicious local cuisine:

* Hot dogs



September 26, 1:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.
Tickets: 555-3251

September 15, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Doofus Quarterly (May, 1991; July, 1991)
Plumpy Margaret for Kids (November, 2003)
Linguine Vest Maker (January, 2008; March, 2008; August, 2008)
The Journal of Modern Silence (February, 1977)


$2 each
Paul 555-8102

September 14, 2009

For sale

TV


Hepanokko 30-inch big screen

* Melted candle on top, left corner (pomegranate cider)
* No on/off button so the TV is always on
* Jeremiah Jr., age 3, free with purchase


$43
Jeremiah 555-9791

September 13, 2009

Meetings

Friends of Talia Baker
September meeting


On the agenda:

* Who's picking up Talia's nephew, K'Ondre at his orthodontist appointment?
* Talia's new lips
* For our October 7 field trip to Talia's middle school lunch table, we still need deposits from: Jojo, Lori and Hev'in


Mushroom pops: Ellen


September 17, 7:00 p.m. at the 73rd Street Beefy's Fast Food Hut

September 12, 2009

Wanted

Single men seeking blue-sweatered women


* Must own ladder
* Clumpy ankles OK


Call 555-3479

Services

Van driver for hire



"Don't you think it's about time is became what it used to be again?"


Famous clients include:

- Kirby Klein, "The Lettuce Jewelry King"
- Children's television star Porcupine Martha
- Pinching great Wendell Cooper


September specials

* Egg salad sandwich free with reservation (limited time only)
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone" by Peggy Cliff stuck in 8-track player


Call for rates
Charlton 555-3246


** BYOWM (bring your own walrus mask) **

September 11, 2009

Meetings

Pat's Pets
Staff meeting

On the agenda:


* What's that smell?
* Our flag football loss to Pete's Pets: what went wrong
* Customers are not allowed to go fishing in the aquariums


September 14, 1:00 p.m.

September 10, 2009

For sale

Red tray




* Perfect for carrying things
* Comes with house


$7 or best offer
Mitch 555-6159

September 9, 2009

Services

Mr. Do-it-all for hire

"I am what it is and was, and then some."


* Personal waver
* Celery hoarding: Q&A
* Shouting at crossing guards
* Meeting the right Murray
* Where to staple and when
* Goldfish naming 101


Call for rates and availability
Barry 555-1002

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
September meeting


Books to discuss:

* When Noodles Marry - Terrell Adams Jr.
* The They and I - Amanda Fletcher
* The Encyclopedia of Softball Sacrifice Bunts - Chocolate House Publishing


Frozen ketchup cubes: Bryan


September 13, 7:00 p.m. at Jim & Gwen's house

September 8, 2009

For sale

Apartment-wide sale


- T-shirts

* "Chin Salad - World Tour, 1989"
* "Kaynesport Dolphins Region 7 Champions"
* Purple

- Salami sandwich (half)

- Children's toys

* Kirby Booger Boy plush doll
* Salamander Dan play set

- Jeremy

* Age 37
* Prize possession: mustard helmet autographed by Grady Reynolds


Call for prices/back scratches (cats only)
Sam 555-7610

September 7, 2009

For sale

Video games


Cabbage Man
Shimples Live!
Cabbage Man vs. Antarctica



$9 each
Roger 555-2316

September 6, 2009

Home for sale




1 BR
1/16 BATH
2 BEE HIVE/KITCHEN CABINET

* Once owned by College Crawling hall of famer Bingo Crumpley
* Used in the filming of the 1988 television documentary Frail Men


$80/month
Clem & Diane 555-9790

September 5, 2009

For sale

Magazines


Ralph (July, 2004; September, 2004)
Flumbering Ninny (January, 1998)
Dandruff Collector (October, 1999)
Pinch & Flee (May, 2007; December, 2007)
Pine Cone Helmet Maker (January 1982)


$3 each
Evelyn 555-8173

September 4, 2009

Services

Advice man for hire

"You want my advice? I think you should take my advice from now on."

* Anchovies were not meant to be worn as earrings
* Don't put mayonnaise in your lemonade
* "Stay away from guys named Ted" - part 1
* Sending your ex-girlfriend "hair lockets": Q&A


Call for hourly rates
Seth 555-4747

September 3, 2009

Meetings

Ernie's Grocery - Store #22
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Milk does not come with a prize inside
* The whereabouts of assistant seafood manager, Derek
* What's the code for water chestnuts?


September 7, 2:00 p.m.

September 2, 2009

New Headquarters




The Bobby Classifieds has moved its headquarters to 235 Piso Street in downtown Kaynesport. Come help us celebrate our new building, September 5.

Scheduled events:

7:00 p.m. - National Anthem performed by Ankle Hair
7:15 p.m. - Silent auction

Some of the items up for bid:

- Staff writer Nick Leonard's TALK TO THE HANDLE coffee mug
- Dennis Haskins bobblehead doll
- Rare photos of copy editor Helen Tomlinson at the final production of "Salt Shakers On Ice" (July, 1997)

9:00 p.m. - Let's get Paul Garrison drunk
9:30 p.m. - Special musical performance by Johnny and the Lunchmeats
11:00 p.m. - Closing speech by editor-in-chief Derwood Morris - "Don't Tell Anyone You Were Here Tonight"
11:45 p.m. - Lawn mow your way to the parking lot


September 5 starting at 7:00 p.m.
235 Piso Street

For hire

Handyman


* Paper cuts
* "Ebeneezer" exterminations
* Nostril flushes
* Staple remover removers
* Sideburn maintenance
* Dead things under sink identification/removal
* Hug Olympics preperation


Call for rates and availability
Ed 555-6450

September 1, 2009

TV listings

WDER'S new Tuesday lineup!


REALITY TV

Let's Get Ru-Ru & Lil' Pipsqueak Some Booty - 7:00 p.m.
Presh'is and Mimi are eliminated and have to spend a night in the Stank Barn.

Will Someone Take my Son to the Homecoming Dance? - 8:00 p.m.
Ricky farts in the movie theater, prematurely ending his date with Maureen. Plus: Mrs. Donaldson and her son, Joey, practice pinning a corsage on the family dog, Buster.

Housekeeper Swap - ALL STARS - 9:00 p.m.
The Patterson's housekeeper picks up the wrong kids at soccer practice and the Banneker's housekeeper gets trapped underneath the living room couch.


MOVIE NIGHT Double Feature

Big Ear Camp 2 - 9:30 p.m.

Dude, Who Stole my Ant Farm? - 11:00 p.m.



6:05 a.m. - Perfecting your fake limp