July 31, 2009

Openings

N'Yunk's Pawn Shop
Grand re-opening

"We got rid of the bee hives, ya'll!"


We buy:

* Elbows
* Grandpersons
* Lima bean art
* Autographed wheelbarrows
* Cat whiskers
* Vintage sweat
* Watermelon combat helmets


N'Yunk's - 210 Laurentia Street, Bweeb County

July 30, 2009

For hire



Dance instructor

Specializing in:

- Ernie Shuffle
- The Rocking Chair
- Banana Be-Bop


Call for prices and availability

Austin Bean 555-3448

July 29, 2009

Pet personal ads

CATS FOR CATS



I can lick myself, you, both of us at the same time. Whatever you want, baby.

Smokey box 66209


I burned off all of my whiskers sticking my head in a candle. Just looking for a decent feline who won't make fun of my stumps.

Mo box 11339


DOGS FOR DOGS



SWD, fleas.

Barney box 57310

July 28, 2009

For sale

CD singles


Countin' On (Raisin Folk) - ABCD
Cruel Sunburn - Delphine Singers
I think we may have run a stop sign - The Muffins
Ernie Davis Eyes - Capolo
The Bacon Song - Tom Thompson


$3 each
David 555-3878

For sale

Grab bag



Includes:

* Face pieces
- raccoon
- Marty and Lynette Royster

* Mystery clumps
* Half salami sandwich (rare)


** Wrapped in newspaper (July 17, 2007, Kaynesport Times)


$40
Evan 555-7717

July 27, 2009

Openings

Noodles Arcade
Grand Opening




Brand-new games

Golden Teeth
Throat Collapser 2K
Prison Cafeteria Live



Summer Special:

Thomas Simmons, age 10.
* 4-6, 77 pounds
* In pockets: $.75, (2) melted slices of cheddar cheese

Rental price: $25/day


Noodles Arcade - 5425 Claire Avenue, Kaynesport

July 26, 2009

For sale



Kerniger & Son Grand Piano

* Dead squirrel (Randall) underneath lid
* Used in the 1993 Christmas play, I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone


$58 or best offer
James 555-2441

July 25, 2009

Services

Ebbits & he-Jo Law Offices

"Now is the time for something"


* Oboenapping
* GUI (Gluing under the influence)
* Misappropriation of fudge
* Penguin trading
* Driftwood profiling
* Possession of thumbs with intent to distribute


Call for a free consultation - 555-9193

House for sale



1 BR
1/3 BATH
2 CANTALOUPE HELMET

* Comes with grape jelly-filled bath tub
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Help, I'm Trapped Underneath the Sink!


$217/month
Cole & Brenda 555-6558

July 24, 2009

For sale

Vanity license plates


LICEMAN (Pennsylvania)
POO CHILLIN (New Jersey)
CHUBLUVR (New Jersey)


$6 each
Ralph 555-3440

July 23, 2009

Sold



Washing machine

Sold for $11 to Monty and Darlene Barber, who plan to use the machine to store lunch meat.


* The Barbers will be holding a meet and greet for their new washing machine, Sunday, July 26 (780 Mitchell Avenue, Kaynesport). Lint traps will be provided.

Letter from the editor




1. The bus trip to Pennington Forest has been cancelled.
2. Pieces of ear will no longer be accepted.


Please come by the office in the next week to collect your mashed potato duffel bag and stirrups.



- D. Morris

July 22, 2009

Openings



Cluckston Point Shopping Center
Grand opening


* Hoosegow's Bar & Grill
* Purple Jean Shorts Wholesaler
* Tall People Re-Sizing Plant
* Discount Spatula
* W.T. McDoodle's Chubby Time Fun Palace
* Syrup World
* Everything for a Pigeon


Cluckston Point - 155 Industry Way, Corcoran

July 21, 2009

Services

Need someone's pants pulled down?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
August meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Them and I - Charles Franklin
* Nostril Johnson and the Lettuce Avenger, Escape from the Parking Garage - BC Comics
* The Encyclopedia of Returned Phone Calls - Chocolate House Publishing


Vegetarian steak cubes: Tatiana


August 1, 7:00 p.m. at Jan & Gary's condo

July 20, 2009

Openings




Chet's Hair Salon
Grand opening!

"Come on in, and tell Chet that Chet sent ya."


Professional hairstylists on staff:

* Big Head Jesse
* Sharla O'Shea
* Sf'ven
* Fragrance


And try one of our world-famous cuts:

- The Y
- "The Rory Calloway"
- Flop Plop


**Summer Specials**
50% off any other customer's recently-cut/burnt hair


Chet's - 810 Momont Avenue, East Plumptin

July 19, 2009

For sale

Child

Tyler, age 4

* Will only bathe in apple juice
* Favorite game: Can I Swallow an Entire Spoon?
* Left ear larger than right


$210 or best offer
Andrew & Stacey 555-2091

July 18, 2009

Casting call

The Morrwood Theater is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in our upcoming play, Blow Your Nose, Sam!:


* Doctor Yi
* Cucumber Man
* Murray (Cucumber Man's sidekick)
* Voice of giant toothpick
* Dennis
* Gary, Sneeze Salesman
* Biker Ruth/Sister Ruth
* Evil Sam


**Plus**
We need actors to portray the musical group Shoving Susan: two men, two women and one jelly doughnut (keyboards).


Auditions: July 27-July 31, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. at the Morrwood, 440 Pepano Court, Kaynesport

July 17, 2009

For sale

DVD


Things we gave up for the spinach
Macaroni Pendelton Presents: Wedgie House
Elbow Collector II



$9 each
Leanette 555-1818

July 16, 2009

Meetings

Cain City Mavericks Basketball Club
Emergency team meeting


Items to discuss:

* No wool hats or capes allowed during games
* Anyone still carrying lice: please do not report to Saturday's game
* The whereabouts of Coach Abraham


July 17, 2:00 p.m. at Van Keeken Gymnasium

July 15, 2009

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"It's time for is, isn't it?"


* The voices inside your gas tank
* Fear of clarinets
* Hoarding staple removers
* Chimney lust
* Excessive buttoning
* Pinkie collecting
* Cluvkaphobia (fear of dishwashing detergent)
* Giraffe Draft anxiety


Call for hourly rates
Terrence 555-3404

For sale

Leon

Age: 43

* Orange 'flaming nostril' tattoo on left shoulder
* Speaks Rorynease, as well as some conversational English
* Divorced: Mandi Cleewadder (1998)

$110
The Mitchells 555-8113


Pillowcases

Agent Shumway- $4
Toronto Cobras 1984 GLZA CHAMPIONS (autographed by Shoshane Patel) - $15


Rick and Diane 555-6655

July 14, 2009

For sale

Used boxer shorts


* Penguin heads
* Flying scrambled eggs
* YER OUT! (with umpire mask on backside)
* Cholly Booger Boy
* Silk with red felt hearts (rare)


All in mint-to-near-mint condition

$8 each
Jeremy 555-0184

July 13, 2009

Announcements




Elect Ernie Shine for Gravy Inspector

Vote August 25

** Shine and Capolo debate Noushon/Bucket - July 19 at Pwang's Lounge, 7:00 p.m.

July 12, 2009

Birth announcements

Gary Jr. and Trevontavious



Mr. and Mrs. Gary Thomas would like to welcome two new tangerines into this world. The couple found the tangerines, both a healthy two ounces and light orange, in the produce section mixed in with some artificial crab meat.

"We just couldn't separate them," said Andrea Thomas. "My husband and I have been trying to have tangerines for a long time. To get two in one day is special."

The couple said they weren't going to put any extra pressure on their new tangerines, despite the family history (father and mother were part of the world-famous "Glass of OJ That Saved Wisconsin").


Gary & Andrea Thomas, Plumptin County

July 11, 2009

Meetings

Smelling Together support group
July meeting


On the agenda:

* The whereabouts of Harold "Stinky" Gafreda
* It's true: there's poo on your shoe
* The noseless: 10 helpful hints



July 15, 7:00 p.m. at Todd & Patrick's condo

Thoughts for sale

Mostly new thoughts, but I need to get rid of them. Make me an offer.


* I still haven't warmed to the concept of frosted wheat
* Lamp Shades on Ice, starring Bonnie Franklin
* A world run by snooty wheelbarrow salesmen
* If I swallowed a bunch of shoelaces, would anything even happen to me?
* Professor Grindell's ear hair collection
* Get my forehead pierced, walk into work the next day and everyone has their forehead pierced, even Mr. Leonard
* Mr. Belding's son was born in an elevator during an earthquake
* I've almost filled an entire Styrofoam cup with my sneezes


Dale 555-8459

July 10, 2009

For sale

Home




1/2 BR
2 BATH/SHOWER
3 TARANTULA (1 dead)


* Kitchen view underlooks fence
* Used in the filming of the 2002 documentary, I Can Smell you Breathing


Make us an offer
Harland and Ashley 555-4001

July 9, 2009

Building for lease




Historic building for lease

"Plenty of charm and rattlesnakes."


Previous inhabitants:

1983-1991:
- Herman Stinky campaign headquarters (October-November, 1983)
- The Silence Shop

1991-1992:
- E.W. Grinfellow's Jollytime Factory

1992-2009:
- Mel's Discount Doofus/Dweeb
- Handstands Gentleman's Club
- AOKUPAY Orthodontics



$750/month
Tim Donaldson 555-3177

July 8, 2009

TV listings

WDEOR'S new Wednesday lineup!


REALITY TV

Will anyone go on a date with my mom? - 8:00 p.m.
Mrs. Pederson's date ends prematurely following an ill-timed ear pick/burp combo.

Documenting the Templetons - 9:00 p.m.
Taylor gets a ride to school on his elephant, Jejow, drawing criticism from Rory, the town elephant hater. Plus: Hannahbelle plays "Gwen" in the community theater production of Mashed Potatoes: The Musical.

Get me out of this inner tube! - 10:00 p.m.
Clarke can't get out of his inner tube.



MOVIE NIGHT FAMILY FEATURE - 11:00 p.m.

I Only Have Eyelids For You



6:10 a.m. - Getting out of your car and staying out.

July 7, 2009

For sale

Magazines


The Journal of Modern Pinching (August, 2005)
Nient'ya (Special Double Issue-April, 1997)
Teen Slovenly (February, 1992; April, 1992; January, 1993)
Awkward Ben (January, 2003; May, 2003)


$8 each
Beverly 555-6771

July 6, 2009

Services

Advice Man for hire

"Isn't it about time you found out what it is?"


* Don't put applesauce in your coffee
* Roof-top juggling: dos and donts
* How to properly identify Hoosegow
* Collecting hot dog grease = bad.
* Avoid anyone named Herman
* Stop mailing celery to your ex-girlfriends
* Yellow jean shorts? I don't think so
* There's no reason to wear a helmet to the office supply store


Call for prices and availability
Peter 555-3445

July 5, 2009

WANTED



Denny Sawchuk
aka "Denny Big Nose"


* For kidnapping an ironing board, ironing under the influence and evading police while on stilts. Mr. Sawchuk is also wanted for selling counterfeit raisins.


Any information, call the Kaynesport Sheriff's Department - 555-1004

For sale

Children


Trevon
Age: 7
What he wants to be when he grows up: A robot made out of cheese
Favorite item: Flubberwhompers activity set
Favorite game: What's Underneath the Carpet?


Alexandria
Age: 5
Can count to: 19
Favorite food: Tomatoes with chocolate sauce
Favorite game: Shaving grandma's head



$200 each or $350 for both
Orin & Jacqueline

July 4, 2009

Services

Tester for hire


* How many ice cubes can you fit inside your nose?
* Who has the best forehead to bounce ping pong balls off of?
* Spelling (J through R; T)
* Who can last the longest in the clothing hamper
* Jeanette from Apartment 1753
* Roller skating on hundreds of acres of frozen oatmeal
* Is a homemade decoder ring a good wedding anniversary present?
* Giving the "thumbs up" in a thumbless town


Call for rates and availability
Brenden 555-7880

July 3, 2009

Space guy for hire



Nick


Acceptable methods of payment:

- Noodles
- Magic giraffes


555-2201

July 2, 2009

New products



Travis Beer™


Now with 19% more whiskers!


Try lots of different Travis flavors, including:

Travis Hippo Ale
Pale Travis
Blueberry Travis
NEW! Soapygarden Cider


Join us for our 3rd annual Travis Beer Fest

* Peacock Auction. Bid on your favorite, and it's all for a good cause (buying new peacocks).
* A special musical performance by Drunk Bonnie

And more!

July 10-12 at the Germore County Fairgrounds - 275 Vanderells Avenue, Plumptin

Openings

Arnold's Variety Store
Grand opening


* Fake knuckles (rubber)
* Doofus Ball play set
* Shirt pockets (Summer Special - 10 for $10)
* Fancy Trevor lunch boxes
* "Hiccups in a bottle" by Jucinda
* Frozen ketchup sticks
* Sawdust Man halloween costumes


1170 Bleacher Street, West Dylan

July 1, 2009

For sale

Knee cap

* Genuine beige
* Light hair
* Once owned by Ernest McAfee
* Perfect for your knee, or the knee of someone special in your life


$10
Hurry, several interested.

Marc 555-7710