December 31, 2008

Events

Tonight at 8:00, it's A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock

** JUST ADDED **
Special musical guest Lil' Pipsqueak


Brought to you by:



Blast! Cola (c) 2008



L'Sha Empanadas (c) 2008


Starts at 8:00 p.m., following the season finale of Will you go with my Daughter to the Prom? on WDER

December 30, 2008

For sale

Magazines


Munster Cheese
(May, 2007; July, 2007)
Whining & Pouting (August, 2001; September, 2001)
Unibrow (September, 1999; January, 2000)
Mailman Tackler (April, 2008; August, 2008; January, 2008)



$7 each

Reynaldo 555-3448

December 29, 2008

Bobby Mondays

SERVICES


Plow/shovel man for hire



"I'll plow your drive way or shovel your front lawn or around your pool. Anywhere there's snow, I'll be there. Or my assistant, Pete, will be there."


- Grant Milsap, owner


Also specialize in:

* Sled conditions
* The 1985 Kansas City Royals
* Pee-to-snow ratios: what's OK and what's dangerous


Call for prices

Grant 555-1105



FOR SALE


DVD/VHS

Happy Birthday, Santa
Edgar & Sandeep Cash in a Lottery Ticket



$2 each
Cindy 555-7018

December 28, 2008

Events

WDER TV presents A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock


"!"

-- Len Bergeron, Kaynesport Times

8:00 p.m. - Live in concert: Robby Chestnut
9:00 p.m. - John & Sissy hug it out
10:00 p.m. - Countdown to 10:30
10:30 p.m. - Looking back: 2008's Standers & Sitters
11:30 p.m. - Midnight countdown begins

12:00 a.m. - Cantaloupe drop and a live performance by Ernie Copper and the Coreys


Join us New Years Eve for all the fun!



WDER TV

Kaynesport ch. 17
Goober City ch. 29

Thoughts for sale

After Christmas specials!!


All thoughts 60% off
(now through December 31)


- I hate hamsters, why do I own two of them?
- 2009: Black jean shorts?
- Pastrami
- Since when do I have an Uncle Mel?
- Willie Ames
- Do I even need fingernails?
- What is that red thing on my leg?
- I give up a game-winning home run to Pete Incaviglia in the bottom of the 9th inning of the seventh game of the World Series. We meet up afterwards and go to Burger King.



Call for prices-
Hetty 555-7100

December 27, 2008

TV listings

Feathers TV
Saturday lineup


EXCITING MSAA ACTION


Shueburg at Tettleburo - 6:00 p.m.
After Ernie Benson Stadium hosted the 4th annual Salami Convention, the Centipedes finally return home following a three-week road trip. Expansion Shueburg has won four consecutive games but will be without manager Tom Pipgras, whose wife gave birth to an eight-year old (Thomas Jr.).


REALITY TV


The Real Desk Clerks of the San Malingos Public Library - 8:30 p.m.

Dottie shushes a noisy patron, while Francene loses a contact lens in Non Fiction.

Make me a Tuna Fish Sandwich! - 9:00 p.m.

Dexter forgets to take off the crust.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 10:00 p.m.

Nerdy Dancing


6:05 a.m. - The Cauliflower Hour with Murton Shouse

December 26, 2008

For sale

Christmas tree

Plastic; about 6 feet, 4 inches.

* Two presents still underneath (Aunt Marsha)
* Was inspiration for wine-induced duets of O Christmas Tree - 2005, 2006, 2008


$27
Diane 555-6210



Socks
(Two pairs)

Reindeer heads with glowing, red noses on each sock


$3 per pair

** Interesting trades considered **

Jimmy 555-4404

December 24, 2008

Holiday parties

Grumson, Linus & Nultz Law Offices
2008 Holiday party

Schedule-

8:00 p.m. - Pin the tail on Mr. Dolan from circulation
9:00 p.m. - Photo Copy our Privates
9:25 p.m. - Let's get Sheldon Baker drunk

10:00 p.m. - Awards Ceremony

- First to stage
- Bossiest wife
- Fat ankle trophy

11:30 p.m. - 15th annual Snow Shovel your way to the Parking Lot (Weather Permitting).


December 27 @ Nunch Valley Ballroom

December 23, 2008

Car for sale




1979 Berchmont Glitter LE

439,000 miles

* AM/FM radio
* Lots of storage space in trunk
* Bowl of chicken soup in front passenger seat still warm and tasty
* Doors not included
* Used in 1982 movie Jim & Martha Drive to Houston


$45
Henry 555-6681

December 22, 2008

Christmas Classifieds

ALBUM RELEASES


From the people who brought you It's Easter Meester, stuff your stocking with the brand-new Christmas album, Turtle Doves & Reindeer Love


Check out new holiday hits like:

Up on the Meth House Top
Yellow Frosty
Grandpa got into the tree water (again)
I saw Mommy kissing Trevor's Mommy



Call 555-1002 to order your copy today!



FOR SALE


Bulk mistletoe


$5/pound
Tony 555-1991



MOVIE LISTINGS
WDER Holiday Classics
Christmas Day - 8:00 p.m.

Larry, the least-famous Reindeer of all

For sale

Collectibles

Clump County Vipers cap w/Kaz Hiroki autograph. Fudge stain under bill (Hiroki's) - $20
Vinyl record albums - $5 each
* The Mossy People, I think we may have missed the Exit
* Patty Gerald, Love and Mayonnaise
Dennis Haskins bobblehead dolls - 2 for $5


Chuck 555-3995

December 21, 2008

House for rent




** 2 BR dream house in the heart of the aardvark district **

- Once owned by R&B singer Lil' Pipsqueak
- Front door/windows coming May, 2009
- Used in the filming of the 1986 movie What's That Smell?


$300 per month
Samantha and Jerry 555-8018

December 20, 2008

Services

Langston & Associates
Attorneys at Law

"Isn't it about time it is what it is?"


* Sideburn discrimination
* Calculator violence
* Aunt/Uncle repossession
* Rhinoceros neglect
* Wrongful sweater shopping
* Goldfish custody


Free consultations/toasted bread
555-5007

December 19, 2008

Meetings

Friends of Mort Kellog Society
December meeting


On the agenda:

- Mort's new jogging suit
- Who is picking up Mort's mother-in-law at the bus station, January 2?
- Q&A: Mort's new walking stick
- Should Mort have been first chair trumpet in the Chester High School jazz band?
- Picking up the pieces after the flag football game loss to the Friends of Lenny Abraham


December 28, 2:30 p.m. at Charlie's town house


Cheese logs: Patricia

Police report




Ernie Herzog

Age: 38
Pants: yes
Beer in pocket: Two 16 oz. cans of Busch Light


December 18
: Mr. Herzog was taken into custody late Thursday night after refusing to remove his parachute in a government building.

Previous arrests:

July, 2007: Arrested for driving under the influence of spicy mustard.

October, 2003: Taken into custody for impersonating a wall clock. Police found the disgruntled Herzog in the den of his home, refusing to acknowledge Daylight Savings Time.


BAIL
HERZOG, ERNIE: $45

December 18, 2008

Meetings

Thick-Head Club
January meeting


Topics to discuss:

~ We don't need directions to get where we're going
~ 2008 Head Butt Games aftermath: What happened to Corey's toupee?
~ Stop ordering shellfish at Popeyes



January 7, 7:30 p.m.
Chancey Apartments gazebo


Pepperoni sticks: Kendall

Thursday TV listings

WDER TV's Thursday lineup


Exciting MSAA action!

Proom City at District 12 - 6:00 p.m.
Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as the Bandits try to put an end to a 53-game road losing streak dating back to 1987. They'll be without suspended slugger Zan Franco (uneven sideburns).


REALITY TV



Turtleneck Swap - 8:30 p.m.
Someone spills grape jelly on Todd's turtleneck. Plus: The house mates turn on Fat Neck Glen

Who wants to marry my daughter?
- 9:00 p.m.
Nancy finds a pimple and Father Sanderson refuses to wear pants again.

Build me a sand castle! - 9:30 p.m.
Grandpa Louis swallows too much sand.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE HOUR -
- 10:00 p.m.

Did I Hear You Sneeze?



5:10 a.m. - The Jesus Minute with Reverend Donnie Craig

Services

Need to distract a group of pigeons?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 17, 2008

Want Ads

Air guitarist looking to form band


I played some classical growing up, but now I rock the bass guitar on a nightly basis. Sold out six consecutive shows in my basement (July 2005). I'm looking for people who want to play pure rock & roll and blow some minds.


Needs:

- Lead air guitar: Looking for a real teeth clenching wild man here. The soul of the live shows are going to go through you, so we need some emotion. * Making good guitar sounds with your mouth a plus.

- Air drummer. Only the best of the best need apply. We're talking Keith Moon, but in a Corolla, banging on the steering wheel.

- Air congo drummer. Big, long solos with your eyes closed the entire time. Plan on having your mouth open through most of our live acts.


Other needs: roadies; van


Auditions now through February 1

Demond 555-7734

For sale


Brand-new $20 bill



$30
Chip 555-1342

December 16, 2008

Meetings

Pincher's Anonymous
2009 Retreat


February 13-15


On the agenda:

** Kayak down Pinch Creek
** Which cheeks to pinch and when
** Scratcher's Anonymous: who do these guys think they are?
** BREAK OUT GROUP SESSION: Perfect Pinching Practice Makes Perfect


$700 per person

Pryor-Rich Resort & Day Spa, Cole County
Info: 555-3328



* Please, no electronic pinchers on the retreat. Thank you.

December 15, 2008

For sale

Magazines


Crawling Around (February, 2000; March, 2000)
Landlord (November, 2005; December, 2005; February, 2006)
Hub Cap Quarterly (May, 2004; August, 2004)
Eyebrows (August, 1998; July, 2000; May, 2001)


$5 each

Paul 555-8102

December 14, 2008

Police report




Otto Morris
Age: not given
Pants: no


December 13: Arrested for throwing chicken cutlets on the highway. Mr. Morris was also holding a bag of water and claimed he had eaten his goldfish, Murray, because he "didn't respect his elders".


Previous arrests:

November, 2007: While on foot, taken into custody for following too closely to a pigeon. Claimed the pigeon was "walking funny".

January, 2001: Arrested with two others for conspiracy to commit fraud at an A.C. Slater look-alike contest.

June, 1999: Arrested at a karaoke competition for Murder 1 (Fleetwood Mac song).


BAIL
MORRIS, OTTO: $40

December 13, 2008

Services




Trying to get to the next floor? Get on an elevator.


* Take it to any floor: 4th, 9th, 11th...even the 14th floor. Yeah, the 14th.
* Play fun games, like:

Press all the buttons; get off at 2nd floor
Emergency Button Press
Racquetball Chase


See what others are saying about taking the elevator:


You know, not everyone can jump from floor to floor; I know I can't. With the elevator I can relax and pick the floor I want to go to.

- Jessica Evans


When that door closes, baby, it's party time!

- Corey Blaine


So jump on board and take the elevator. There's no telling where you'll end up.

December 12, 2008

Meetings

Dylan County 8th grade football
Post-season banquet

Agenda:

7:00 p.m. - Return helmet, shoulder pads
7:30 p.m. - Coach Garfunkel: "The importance of staying in bounds"
8:15 p.m. - Awards presentation

- Big Ear Award
- Worst Fumble
- Chubbiest

10:00 p.m. - Dancing to the 70s


December 14 at the Henry Piso Banquet Hall - 555-6661

December 11, 2008

For sale

Fall baseball team
Clearance sale


Right-handed pitchers
Joel ... $7
D'Rontavius ... $9

Second basemen

JaColby ... $12
JaColby's little brother, Sam (not on team) ... $7
Tanner ... $6

Equipment
Outfield grass ... $4 per barrel


Coach Baker 555-8063



Memorabilia



Pippen Sanchez autographed baseball - $110


Trey 555-4008

For sale

FOR SALE


Power bill


$57.29

- due December 27


$30 or best offer
Randy 555-7221

December 10, 2008

Meetings

Christmas Caroling Planning Committee (CCPC)
Emergency meeting

- Time to come clean: who's lip syncing?


December 11, 1:00 p.m.

Personal ads

PET PERSONAL ADS

CATS FOR CATS



SBWC, age 9. When I see a bird, I eat it.

Morris box 235


I don't have all of my whiskers, but I still know how to have a good time.

*Must have bad breath.

Trudy box 701


DOGS FOR DOGS


STC, age 5. I've got my own house and my own bed with a towel. I can smell my own poo or your poo; whatever makes you happy. And I'm a good listener.

Lenny box 386

December 9, 2008

For sale

VHS


Edgar & Sandeep File a Tax Return
Dude, Who Drank my last Mello Yello?
Thursday
He Smelled Me, Lionel



$5 each or 3 for $10
Amy 555-3019

December 8, 2008

Meeting posted

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs

December meeting

On the agenda:

* What is that smell?
* Assessing blame: last Saturday's mashed potato fight
* Andrea's mother-in-law, Linda
* 2008 Crawl Space Field Trip: who owes what


December 28, 4:00 p.m.


Celery: Sarah and Paul

December 7, 2008

For sale

MAGAZINES


Waffles (June, 1999; May, 2000)
Fluoride Enthusiast (April, 2007)
Shoelace (January, 1996; March, 1996)
Kicking & Screaming (October, 2003; November, 2003; May, 2004)


$4 each
Paul 555-8102

December 5, 2008

Friday TV listings

FEATHERS TV presents its Friday lineup!


MSAA GAME OF THE WEEK

Kaynesport at Ookamondo, 7:00 p.m.

Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as two division leaders battle for the Old Refried Bean Barrel. Kaynesport pitcher Ernie Sampson is back from suspension (performance-enhancing penguins) and he'll face the powerful Ookamondo lineup, led by 2007 Triple Crown winner Yi Maruki.


REALITY TV

Calculator Swap, 8:30 p.m.

Ryan's new calculator doesn't have a 7 and the math students reminisce about last month's Subtraction Olympics.

So, You Wanna Beg for Change, 9:00 p.m.

Chet gets a Canadian quarter.


MOVIE NIGHT - Late night special


Edgar & Sandeep Take a Nap, 11:00 p.m.


Terrible weather in your area: 4:50 a.m.

December 4, 2008

For sale

Tape recorder for sale




* Mint condition *


$700 or best offer


Calvin 555-1771

December 3, 2008

Meeting posted

A Novel Concept book club
Mid-December meeting


Books to discuss:

The Collected Poetic Works of Jeremy Shockey
- Jeremy Shockey
Never Too Late (Why it's OK to wait a few months to name your baby) - Pauline Braswell
The Encyclopedia of Buttered Bread - Chocolate House Publishing


December 16, 7:30 p.m
. at the Manchester Grove apartment complex gazebo


Salami fingers: Fran

December 2, 2008

Advertisement

Looking to get from one floor to another? Take the stairs.




* The #1 mode of transportation in buildings that are on fire
* Come in many different colors
* Wear any shoes


See what others are saying about taking the stairs:

"I always use the stairs-it's fun, doesn't cost anything and it's where I met my husband, Steve."

- Maryanne Dilworth, Kaynesport


"I stopped taking elevators. I don't need them, I found the stairs!"

- Ed Dandridge, Jasper City


"The stairs are like, so 2008."

- Candice Timmons, Plumptin


Join the new wave of getting from one floor to another and find a staircase near you!

December 1, 2008

For sale

Sleeves

With our struggling economy, now is the time to take advantage of my closet-wide clearance sale and stock up on some of the season's hottest sleeves.

Price list:

Sweatshirt sleeves - $5 each
T-shirt sleeves - 3 for $5
Jacket sleeves (*very rare*) - $10 each


Jack 555-6262

Thoughts for sale

I've got to unload some more of my thoughts. Find one that's right for you.


- I think my ear is bleeding.
- Why can't I grow hair on my right ankle?
- I don't understand banana peppers.
- I save one of Wayne Gretzky's slap shots, he skates up to me and says "nice save". We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
- Herbert Edelman
- What did I just step in and is it salvageable?
- In Teen Wolf, how many rebounds did Chubbs get in the championship game?
- I haven't sneezed in eleven days, is that bad?
- I'm on the roof, how did I get up here?


$10 each
Danny 555-8108