November 30, 2008

TV listings

WDER's Sunday morning TV schedule


REALITY TV

Washing Machine Swap, 6:00 a.m.

Mitch doesn't separate the colors from the whites and forgets to tell the other housemates. Plus: Corey drinks too much fabric softener.

We're living in the kitchen pantry! 7:00 a.m.

Someone eats the last granola bar and the Stephensons vote another step child out of the pantry.


WDER's AM MOVIE

The Forgotten T-Bird, 8:00 a.m.

In this groundbreaking documentary, the filmmakers follow Tony Hernandez as he comes to grips with being rejected for a role in Grease 2 On Ice.

**Special appearance by Olin Persons**

November 29, 2008

For sale

VHS

When Trevor Sneezed
Dude, Where's my Grandmother?
Edgar and Sandeep Can't Pay their Cab Fare



$6 each
Mitch 555-1815

For sale

Husband

James, age 42.

- 5-6, 168 pounds
- Nicknamed himself "Mr. Spectacular" (July, 1997)
- Always wears a hat, even to bed.


Make me an offer

Patty 555-7100


*Call now and receive three Florida State Seminoles beer koozies, free with purchase!*

November 28, 2008

Meetings posted

The Friends of Rory Corcoran
December meeting


On the agenda:

- What do we know about the pimples on Rory's forehead?
- Concession stand schedule for the 2008 Rory Games.
- Who's taking Rory to his dental appointment, December 17?
- The Corey & Rory Variety Hour: what went wrong
- Should Rory have played more on the 1991 Canton High School JV soccer team?
- Q&A with Canton JV coach Whit Craymore.


We have a lot to go over. Please be on time.

December 10, 7:30 p.m. Plainville Baptist Church, Kaynesport

Lasagna squares: Pete

November 27, 2008

For sale


"The Derwood"




* Do-everything
* All-purpose
* Dream come true

** Comes with 1/2 pound of sliced salami **


$75
Andy 555-2281

November 26, 2008

Pre-Thanksgiving sale

Kitchen-wide clearance sale!!!


Stuffing (w/mystery orange chunks) - $4 per chunk
Cranberry sauce container lid (*rare*) - $10
"Toby Turkey" stuffed animal from 2004 Southwestern Regional Gobble Games - $25
Orange chunks grab bag - $1
Fixins - $3 per bucket


SPECIALS

*****
Uncles from all over the United States
$50 each

- Buy any Danny or Ted, get a free 2 liter bottle of Blast Cola


*****
Mr. and Mrs. Pilgrim erotic Halloween costumes - $20 each

- w/sandwich - $22.75



Linda and Perry 555-2101

November 25, 2008

Tuesday Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SWM, age 36. I like to sit at home, build a nice fire, maybe get a bottle of wine and read newspaper clippings from my high school days. I wasn't an athlete or anything, I just like to read them. Come over, maybe we could finish a few of these damn crossword puzzles and see where it goes from there.

Tony box 79200


I love pillow talk and I mean that literally: softness; number of feathers; the age-old rectangle/square debate. I could go on all night.

Edgar box 29181



WOMEN SEEKING MEN


No momma's boys; no daddy's boys; no grandma's boys; no boys with Spiderman bed sheets; no boyz in the hood; no newspaper delivery boys; no boys named Trent; don't bring your own boys.

Tamara box 45911



SWF, 40. I'm very fit and athletic for my age, which is actually 44. That's a lie, I'm 47. Or am I? Call to find out that and other things.

Nancy box 32220


COUPLES


Looking for a man or woman to make us breakfast and take the dog for a walk in the mornings. Three days a week for about an hour each day. Internship.

Jim and Candice 555-8716

November 24, 2008

For sale

I'm selling some of my old sayings at heavily discounted prices.

This week's specials


$8 each:

"Serious as a heart attack."
"Back off, bro."
"Damn straight."
"You got a cig?"


Bargain Bin
(3 for $5)

"Dude, I'm so wasted!"
"I didn't know that."
"Check you later."
"Hang on a second."
"What's up, man?"
"What's up, baby?"


and many more


Henry 555-0114



Mustard helmet


- Cup/straw on each side

** Once owned by Ernie Jensen, the "real life Teen Wolf Too" **


$25
Nancy 555-4442

November 23, 2008

For sale

Used books


Idiot's Guide to Pillow Talk - Branson Cole IV
I Tripped and Fell in Winnipeg - Candice Thornton
The Encyclopedia of Thousand Island Dressing Stains - Chocolate House Publishing


$6 each
Kenny 555-8003

November 22, 2008

Meetings

The Headache Club
Winter meeting


Items to discuss:

- Anybody have any Aspirin?
- The Sprained Ankle Club: who do these guys think they are?


Cool rags: Andy


November 29, 8:00 p.m.

November 21, 2008

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
September meeting


Books to discuss:

My Weekend with Morris Hernberg - Mary Pippen
The Collected Poetic Works of Lenny Dykstra - Lenny Dykstra
The Encyclopedia of Salami Sandwiches - Chocolate House Publishing


September 9, 7:00 p.m. at Miles' sister's condo

Diet 7UP: Louise

November 20, 2008

For sale

Lonny's Lamps
Clearance sale



Dave Coulier head lamp shade (w/mullet) $25
Bald man's scalp lamp shade $17
Reginald Vel Johnson head lamp shade $30
Dallas Mavericks lamp shade (w/Robert Pack autograph) $70



Lonny's - 750 Industrial Way, Jasper City

November 19, 2008

Wednesday TV listings

TVDOO's new Wednesday lineup!


REALITY TV

Take my son to soccer practice, 8:00 p.m.

Carla won't take Bridget's son to the big game and Nick goes on a penguin binge and loses Nick Jr.

Gym Shorts Swap, 9:00 p.m.

Coach Paddock gets into the girl's lockeroom again.


Late Night Movie Double Dip

10:00 p.m. - My Big, Fat, Greek Sister
(T'AnDrey Milton, Farrah Blaylock)

12:30 p.m. - Edgar and Sandeep Make a Sandwich
(Marty Plackemier, Al Bone, Tory Fenwick)


4:35 a.m. - Weather in your area

November 18, 2008

For sale

FOR SALE




Detroit Lions mini-helmet

** Very rare **

$300
Ben 555-3910

November 17, 2008

For sale

Refrigerator-wide sale


Check out my special winter deals:

* Half of a tomato - $2
* 2-liter bottle of Blast cola - $4
* Mystery juice (rare) - $11/cup
* Half of a birthday cake (James, age 5) - $9
* Mix and match vegetable bag - $5


Tony 555-3712

November 16, 2008

New product

TRY NEW BLAST COLA!




"The traffic dodger's cola"


* Contains plenty of Vitamin 9 kids need to watch TV
* Won Best with Doritos at 2006 industry and trade show
* Mystery Juices
* Refrigerator-safe


Pick up a can of Blast at your local grocery store, today!

Closings


File photo


The Itchy Spot night club is closing its doors. Everything must go:


Buy 1 comedian get 1 free:

- Nappy Jeanine
- Teeny
- Forest Lukely
- Shantre'l Williams
- Rhino Man


Bathroom mirrors

Men's restroom: "Kenny was heer" model $7
Women's restroom: "Caitlyn 555-0016" model $11
Illegally installed urinal mirrors 2 for $50


and much more!


Itchy Spot - Highway 38, Plumptin

November 15, 2008

Meetings

Friends of Ernie Klecko
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who cut in front of Ernie in the DMV line?
* Ernie's record-breaking night at Dunkin Donuts and where we all go from here
* Who's picking up Ernie's mother-in-law at the airport, December 15?


Trail mix: Anthony



December 9, 6:00 p.m.
Kenny's house - 410 Waysley Lane, Tettleburo

November 14, 2008

Thoughts for sale

Buy one thought, get the second thought free.

[Offer good through November 30]


- Dave Coulier
- What is that thing on my neck? Did it just turn blue?
- Growing a third arm: where would it go and would I be better off just collecting stamps?
- Should I buy a box cutter or can I break down this box myself?
- Why haven't I cleaned out my fish tank? Those fish are dead!
- Dennis Haskins
- Splinters
- Is there still time for me to become a dentist?
- Catching a touchdown pass from Joe Montana during our family's annual Thanksgiving game. Joe asks me to be his best friend.


$3 per thought

Danny 555-8108

November 13, 2008

Personal ad

Couples seeking women


Let's make a you sandwich. We'll bring the tub of mayonnaise.

Cheryl and Diandre box 72996

November 12, 2008

Tonight's TV listings

Feathers TV Wednesday lineup


Exciting LBL action!!

Compound 9 at Pubder, 6:00 p.m.
Sheesh County at Troonce, 8:00 p.m.
Compound 4 at Martha, 10:00 p.m.



REALITY TV (Feathers2)

We're living in a mashed potato pit! - 7:00 p.m.
The Carlsons vote another cousin out of the mashed potatoes.

Someone Smells - 8:00 p.m.
Rosa turns the hose on Abigail.

Will you go on a date with my brother? - Season 2 - 8:30 p.m.
Kelsey's date with Max becomes uncomfortable when Max reveals his back acne.


Late night movie event - 11:30 p.m.

There Will Be Highlighters
Bob Piso (Arabadacka; Arabadacka 3) fights for the black and white in a strange world of flourescent colors. Featuring Kennin Root as "Young Yellow".

For sale



2 BR DREAM HOME
1 RAMP

Previous owner: John Stamos look-alike Blaine Easton.


$130 monthly mortgage or best offer
Cole 555-6101

November 11, 2008

For sale

Magazines


Scratches and Bruises
(June, 2004; July, 2004)
Mustard Spreader (January, 1997)
Bocce Ball Centerfolds Monthly (November, 2000; March, 2002)
Chewing & Swallowing (May, 1988; June, 1988; December, 1988)


$4 each
Paul 555-8102

November 10, 2008

Events

2nd Annual Couch Grab


Site of Couch Grab, 2008


Only $1 per grab and the memories last a lifetime!


"I found a piece of a hot dog last year and the memories lasted a lifetime! I'm coming back in 2008! With two dollars"
- anonymous


Items you might find:

- Paper clips
- Teen Wolf Too DVD (Missing since May, 2004)
- Barbeque potato chip pieces
- Mystery brown chunks
- Piece of Greg's pinky

and more


November 15, 1:00 p.m.
Saundersville Apartments, Unit #1372

November 9, 2008

For sale

Bronze basin


Very rare; thought to belong to King Louis IX. Or my neighbor, Marv.


$250
Marc 555-0052



1992 Ford Taurus


220,00 miles, blue

Two turtles (Ollie & Pete) have died of heat exhaustion in the back seat (June, 2001; August, 2001), in case you're wondering about the smell. But It's a good car. You should buy it.


$500
Kerri 555-5229

November 8, 2008

Apartments for rent


ITCHLEY HILL APARTMENTS


Two-story apartment complex

Top building - 4 BR, 1 BATH, 3 CATS

Bottom building - 6 BR, 0 BATH, MOLD

* Nice view of Beefy's Fast Food Hut corporate offices
* No doors top or bottom floor


$95 per month

Itchley Hill Apartments 555-8881

November 7, 2008

Silly Restaurant Orders

The sick people at restaurantorders.blogspot.com would like you to stop by and read their collection of bizarre food/drink orders taken by the servers at Bagwell's Cantina. They promise the following items:

fun
sun
salami soup




Restaurant Orders

November 6, 2008

Meetings

Eyebrow Shavers Anonymous
November get-together


On the agenda:

-- What are we doing with the leftover eyebrows?
-- Q&A with Unibrow Man
-- Tweezers: the best friend you've never met


Tortilla chips/mild queso dip: Gerald


November 22, 7:00 p.m.
@ Canary St. YMCA

November 5, 2008

Openings

One-room school house


HANNINGTON SCHOOL - 175 Merwood Avenue, Kaynesport


Come be a part of The Hannington School, and be a part of the future


We're bringing back:

* Individual chalk boards
* Ruler whippings
* Potbelly stoves
* Standing in the corner
* Dunce caps

and much more!


PLUS: Miss Bechtold is back!


Hannington School
555-5003 for winter registration

Meetings

Young Independents
Emergency post-election meeting


Agenda:

* Who ate all of the election-night fudge?


November 5, 4:00 p.m. @ Carter-Winfrey building

November 4, 2008

Services

Meepos Hauling Service


We haul:

* Aunts/uncles
* Scrap metal
* Notebook paper
* Black jean shorts
* Drywall
* Crossing guards
* Elbow pads


Meepos
Call for hourly rates: 555-6734

November 3, 2008

For sale

Pineapple Man Halloween costume

w/fried onion shoes $12
w/out shoes $11



*SPECIAL*
Empty box of baking soda

Perfect for--

- storing change
- fake video camera
- collecting new baking soda
- fake telescope


$7
Termon 555-7028

November 2, 2008

For sale

Wino Milo's Spirits
Clearance sale


This week's special:
Beer kegs - 50% off

Mustache Dry - $30
Behemoth - $40
Wumperpoddy Light - $30
Pine Cone Ale - $25
Knoxville's Best - $15


Sale ends November 20
Milo's - 55 Amber Lane, Kaynesport

November 1, 2008

Halloween costumes for sale

Isn't it about time you got ready for Halloween, 2009?

Come on down to Holy Halloween's costume sale!


Green Lantern $20
Dr. Lettuce $30
Lampshade $75 *rare*
Molly Fleming, Booby's Restaurant waitress $125
Professor Pretzel $12
Possum Man $10

Extras

White face paint - 4 tubes for $10
Sour patch kids - 2 bags for $2
Sour Patch Kids t-shirts (w/drowning taco photo) $10 each


Holy Halloween 810 Market Street