October 31, 2008

Events

MURRAY'S DRIVE-IN
"The westernsouth's finest drive-in."



Murray's - 14 East Landers Ave., Dylan



NOVEMBER MOVIES

Did I hear you sneeze?
Spicy Mustard
Edgar and Sandeep need bus fare
Nerdy Dancing
I sleep in the woods
Gravy Expectations



Sour Patch Kids: 2 for $3


Murray's
555-0011 for show times

October 30, 2008

Openings



One-Hour Sandwich Shop

Bring in your bread, your lunchmeats, even your condiments and we'll make you a sandwich in one hour or less!

* No pita bread


Some of the benefits of having your sandwich made with us:

* Complimentary lettuce
* Bring the family and cool off in our brand-new Spicy Mustard Pool
* Spend $50 or more and get your picture taken with Bologna Man (autograph on picture: $5)


Sam's
775 Wayley Avenue, Kemple

October 29, 2008

Services

Does your child have a name?

Nothing is more embarrassing than having a nameless child, wandering around, bumping into things.

Hire ME to name your child!

* Over 20 years of experience


Sold out names

Kayden
Craphonso
Twe'Anthony


Call for prices
Ian 555-3469

Meetings

Beefy's Fast food Hut - Store #317
Fall staff meeting


On the agenda:

- What not to do with the Polynesian sauce
- The disappearance of Whit Corley
- Why we can't have water beds in the break room


November 2, 1:00 p.m.

October 28, 2008

Closings: The Ernst: 7/7/1949 - 11/11/2008

Come help us say goodbye to Ernst Hardaway Field (home of the Pigeons), November 11.


ERNST HARDAWAY FIELD BEFORE '07 MSAA TITLE GAME


The Ernst has hosted:

- 22 MSAA Championship Games
- 1971 Septic Tank Pull
- The Reverend Riley Ocean
- Four NLBSC All-Star games
- Pope John Paul II using the restroom-June, 1981


Pre-game ceremony: 6:00 p.m.
FINAL GAME - Pigeons vs. Hannington City: 7:00 p.m.

* First 5,000 fans in attendance receive a complimentary Stylin' Stan Peacock bobblehead doll


Tickets: 1-555-ERNSTTIX

October 27, 2008

Monday TV listings

WDER's Monday lineup!



REALITY TV (WDER2)


We're living in the walk-in closet! - 8:00 p.m.

We catch up with the Hendersons and see who will be voted out of the closet this week.

So, you wanna be a mall Santa - 8:30 p.m.
Dominic gets peed on and Terry deals with the child that has everything.

Make me a cheeseburger! - 9:00 p.m.
Math Tutor Swap - 9:30 p.m.


MOVIES


Section 6 - 8:00 p.m.

Junior Sherman (Chubby Camp 2) stars in the coming-of-age story about a boy who grew up on the wrong side of town, but with the right color slippers. Also starring: Boo Boo Shoshane, Liza McCafferty

Dude, who kicked me?
- 10:00 p.m.

October 26, 2008

Sports Memorabilia Auction

November 17, 7:00 p.m. at the Chudington Lake Ballroom in Dylan County.

FEATURED ITEMS-


Autographed baseballs


Anson Kermitshire


Corby Celshaw


1972 Shonsen City Roadrunners




Game programs


1993 Dave LaPoint 14-under World Series, Game 7
2002 NSLTA Champonship Series

Misc. items

- Corey Bankhouse game-worn eye black


Chudington Lake Ballroom - 550 Sherman Street

Buy my air




Have you ever thrown air, or traded air with your friends?

Or maybe you're just looking for some new air in your life to breathe in or suck up through a straw.

Well now you can have both!


Only $25 per box


"It's the perfect holiday gift for the breather in your life."

-- Vincent, 33

"Air is so this year".

-- Julie, 16


Randy "Air" Jornin 555-3818

October 25, 2008

Home for sale



1 BR

- Spacious kitchen
- Perfect for storing children; apples

** Stairs coming - January, 2009**


Make us an offer
Beth and Tymothy 555-4200

Late night Bobby

FOR SALE


5 Miller High Lifes


$3 each
2 for $5

Hurry, thousands interested.

Gregory 555-6111



Personalized match books


Most popular:

- "Sebastian's matches"
- "Maple Syrup Man"
- "Playa, Playa"
- "Dan"

$60 for 500
$100 for 1,000

Matt's Matchbooks 555-3982

October 23, 2008

For sale

Stuffed animals

We're trying to move some of our child's stuffed animals. Nice deals on a lot of items. Plenty of tortoises (5 for $10) and teddy bears.


Gary $4


Mr. Baluga (tiger) $9
Fred (penguin; no eyes) $4
Mrs. Cheese (bear) *rare* $25
Boopa (bear) $15
Julio (boy doll) $3
Jennifer (girl doll) $6


Jim and Lynette 555-4207

October 22, 2008

For sale



Vintage containers



Perfect for-

- Time capsules
- Turnip storage
- Jet pack for possible space exploration
- Telling fake alien stories


And more!


$45 each
Sam 555-5509





Pickles hat

Size 7 3/4

* autographed by Pickle legend Garvin McGown


$3
Junior 555-8123

Club 474




Opening March, 2009

www.club474.oog

October 21, 2008

For Sale

1992 Blinky-X77 model alarm clock




- "Stone Temple Pilots" written in black magic marker on top of clock
- Alarm time stuck on 5:32 a.m.
- Alarm sound: bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah ...

$10
Tyler 555-7102

October 20, 2008

Silly Name Hall of Fame ceremony

The Silly Name HOF induction ceremony is scheduled for November 4 at 7:30 p.m. This month's retirees:

Craphonso
D'antavius
Clinique
Patience
Nichelle
Koy
Sebastian

Lifetime achievement award: Porsche


Silly Name HOF
770 Lavender Road

October 19, 2008

For sale

Used books


The Encyclopedia of Dropped Ice Cream Cones - Chocolate House Publishing
The Idiots Guide to Loitering - Van Guard Group
Call me Mr. B: the autobiography of Dennis Haskins - Dennis Haskins


$7 each
Helen 555-4449

October 18, 2008

Spam sandwiches




Another peek inside the Bobby Classifieds spam email box....


October 14, 2008


Dear sir

I have notice you take vacations. You'll be happy you did.

Cruise ship leaves, no Mondays.


Rogelio Mansur




October 16, 2008

Derwood,

Need help pleasing of your ladies? Proving effect on your rod is just a phone booth away. Find womens and buy the lovers package.


Henrick@goca.ig

Call for actors and actresses!


JEAN SHORTS CO.


The Jean Shorts Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for roles in the upcoming musical The Olly Porter Story.

Audition for the roles of:

Old Olly
Mrs. Applegate
Troy
Coach Whitmore
Polly Peterson
Duffy the Dream Turtle
Voice of evil sideburns


Auditions: November 1-4, 8:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.

October 17, 2008

TV listings

WSOO's new fall reality TV lineup

Get me out of this walk-in freezer!
Granddaugther Swap
Will you marry my son?



Shows premiere October 29

October 16, 2008

Services

Need your grass cut?


File photo



Professional lawn manicurist for hire

** My lawn mowing speed has been clocked at 9 MPH, 2nd-fastest in the nation (Jimmy Stansbury)
** I have my own Shabazz-Z750 mower, the same mower that was used in the movie Gang Green Thumb


Extra services/specials:

- Squirrel poisonings - 3 squirrels for $25
- Beehive removal - $5/hive
- Surf board designs in lawn


Kevin 555-0111

October 15, 2008

Pet personal ads

CATS FOR CATS



SWBC, age 7. I love bacon and short walks to my liter box. Call me, I'm probably under the bed.

Bernie box 345


SWC, age 11. I'm a former Book Case-Fighting world champion. Now I'm just looking for a nice, young lady to help me eat my retirement cat nip.

Mittens box 871


DOGS FOR DOGS



SBTD, age 5. I haven't been fixed yet and I'm tired of the same, old table legs and human ankles. In 2006, I set a Hannigan County record for longest AWP (against the wind pee).

Mookie box 551

October 14, 2008

Services Provided




Lunch companion for hire


Feeling lonely at lunch? If you're looking for someone to eat with, I'm your man.


* Over 5,000 sandwiches eaten in a 27-year career
* Know how to say "sweet tea with lemon" in seven different languages
* Have my own car


"I ate lunch with Andy and it was wonderful. He ordered a water, but he filled the cup with Diet Coke when the cashier wasn't looking!"

- Diane Gafreda


"Me and a few co-workers called him up as kind of a joke one day, but this guy is a real pro. He had a lunch menu rolodex he kept in a little compartment on his belt. He was separating checks for six people in his head. We're going to eat lunch with Andy again on Thursday!"

- Mitch Kellog


The Lunch Guy (Andy Baker)
Call for hourly rates: 555-0113

October 13, 2008

For Sale

Basketball coach


Murray Henning

- 67 years old; head coach for 45 years
- Won "Best Plotka" at the 1993 Hairies

* Coached at Santo Lucas High School (1990-1991). Fired, on run from law enforcement officials, after running over the starting point guard with his car (1988 Pontiac Grand Prix).

Henning: "Kid couldn't run the pick and roll."

* September, 2008, refused to allow his players to wear shorts during practices or games.


$150 or best offer
Vandover Runnin' Ferrets 555-3003

October 12, 2008

For sale

Magazines

Ceiling Fan Enthusiast
(May, 2004; July, 2004)
Parking Lot (September, 1991)
The Akron Ohioer (January, 2000; August, 2001; December, 2001)


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

October 10, 2008

For sale

Baby teeth


Seven kids, no tooth fairy-you do the math.

We've got dozens of teeth and it cost us hundreds of dollars over the years. We need to start making some of that money back.


$2 each or 10 for $15

Kids: $500 each


Tori and Jacob 555-6200

October 9, 2008

Home for sale




The world-famous Wood House

* As seen in the movie Splinter Man

- Huge upstairs living room
- Swimming pool in the backyard full of wood
- Front door installed July, 2008
- Dead crow on the roof (Rodney)


$1,400
Sanderson Reality 555-6410

October 7, 2008

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN



22, SWM. I hate playing games; except for computer Wheel of Fortune. You want to try on my head dress, don't you? Too bad, you can't.

Toby box 72903


Do I like to ask myself questions and answer them? Yes. Do I think you should call me as soon as you're done reading this? Absolutely. Do I sell my medication and refuse to wear pants on Wednesdays and Thursdays? Possibly.

Dan box 54400

October 6, 2008

For sale

Pro basketball bench

Everything must go before the start of the season-


Short, white guy: Mitch Donaldson

* Crew cut
* Former walk-on at Paymont University; averaged 4.7 ppg and 2.2 apg his senior year


7-3, 210-pound Slovakian: Dominic Hedvika

* Curly, brown perm


Power forward: Ricky "Lemontree" Daniels

* 6-4, 355 pounds
* Won three consecutive national pepperoni log eating contests (1998-2000)


Trainer: James

Eight red, folding chairs


Make us an offer

Cain City Mavericks
555-7225

October 4, 2008

Services




Do you have to go to the bathroom and you've been having trouble deciding where to go?

Come on down to the future site of the 17th Avenue Beefy's Fast Food Hut and take a pee, a poo or both in our brand-new Porta-johns.

- Nicknamed "The Dream Team" by several national publications
- Each 6-6, 450 pounds
- BYOPTSC (bring your own paper toilet seat covers)


Rental price: $.50 per minute

Peppo's Construction 555-0108

October 3, 2008

Wide receiver for sale

Jimmy Washington
Age: 23

2nd-year pro

* tall, great hands, speaks in 1st person


We really don't have any place for him on our roster. He never says a word, loves not only his quarterback, but all quarterbacks.

Couple other things:

1. The fans gave him a nickname and he said "I don't want it."
2. No arrest record
3. Tattoo of himself giving a hug to a small child on his right bicep


He's a real problem and it's time for all of us to move on.


Make us an offer

Sanderson Valley Cobras 555-1323

October 1, 2008

House for sale



Two-story home in the heart of the Overalls District.

* Carport perfect for parking car/guest room
* Beautiful view of the gravel road
* Hollow inside


$19,000
Kaye and Eddie 555-8000