September 30, 2008

Meet Carl Clepper, October 25!



The former lead guitarist for The Mossy People will be autographing his new solo album, Corn on the Cob Man Revival, at the Midtown Beefy's Fast Food Hut from 1:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.


Midtown Beefy's FFH: 555-2345

September 29, 2008

Nose pick Mondays



Jean shorts for sale

Bedroom-wide clearance. Find all of your jean short needs in one place.

Black - $7 each
Dark blue - $4 each
Yellow w/ NASCAR logo on backside - $25
Purple - $5 each or 3 for $10
White w/Fat Albert's head on left leg - $10
Light Blue w/six pockets - $3



Robbie 555-3221

September 28, 2008

Meetings posted

The Pet Store
October staff meeting


Items to discuss:

- Why you shouldn't eat the bird seed

- Un-sanctioned dog races during business hours: who's the ringleader?

- The whereabouts of Molly the Ferret


October 4, 7:00 p.m.



Friends of Teresa Bailey
Emergency fall meeting


* Teresa's mother is in town: who's picking her up at the airport?


Thursday, October 9, 8:00 p.m.

Vanilla wafers: Gary

September 27, 2008

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


I'll show you the world, or at least my little part of the world located in mom's attic. I like chicken noodle soup with Saltines-if you don't like it, there's the door! (I'll point to the door when the time is right).

Roderick box 11116


I want to no you.

Vince box 44001


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


My sister Hillary, "Miss Perfect", is getting married in March, 2009. I'd like to finally beat her at something, so I need to get married before she does. You can help make that happen. No half-thumbs.

Janet box 77991

September 26, 2008

Thoughts for sale

My thoughts just aren't selling like I thought they would. These are some of my more recent thoughts, now available at low, low prices.


- Should I wear black jean shorts?
- My hiring, firing, re-hiring and re-firing at Applebees
- My father's new girlfriend, Sharon
- What the hell is that big bump on the heel of my right foot?
- Krispy Kreme doughnuts
- I sneeze once or twice a year; is that a bad thing?
- Dennis Haskins
- Interview with Kenny "Sky" Walker. We become friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment


Make me an offer
Danny 555-8108

Openings




Visit the world-famous Sammybee Park playground!

*Now with 17% less urine; 5% less poo
*Over 130,000 wood chips (most in North America)
*The Crush Monster has been removed

Grab the kids and come check out....

- Two new slides: "The Rotini" & "The A.C. Slater"


All-day passes
$55 adults
$47.50 children under 11

Sammybee P&R 555-6105

September 25, 2008

Obituaries

Carlton Henning
1852-2008

The old rascal finally died (wine cork overdose). Governor of Pierce City from 1917-1919; impeached April, 1919 for misappropriation of penguins. Sadly, never fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a lifelong dreamer. Survived by his step-son Elijah (131) and his wife, Mary (83).


Helen Farqua

1867-2008

Helen was married six times to three different men. Lived through the Refried Bean shortages of 1913 and 1926. Funeral services: October 2, 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Patty Q's for beer and wings.

September 24, 2008

For rent




Umpires

Denny Winfield (45) and Olin Barker (41)

Both Winfield (left) and Barker are 15-year veterans of softball and baseball umpiring.

Strike calls-

Denny:Straaaaack!
Olin: Hike!


* Have both been told repeatedly to get a pair of glasses but they refuse


$75 for the pair/game
Bibblow County Umpires Association 555-7303

September 23, 2008

For rent




Mail box #1021

Previous owners:

~ Johnny "Midnight" Bainbridge, QB, Hancock High School Spartans (1999-2003)
~ Fred Savage impersonator, Todd Pelkey
~ Dorothy Whitmore, actress, Housekeeper Swap

Rental prices

Per hour: $3
Week-to-week: $65 per week

Manny 555-0042

September 22, 2008

For sale



Teen Wolf Too

* VHS
* Very rare

$50
Rental price: $.99
Derwood 555-2322

September 21, 2008

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
October meeting

Books to discuss:

The Encyclopedia of Grass Stains - Chocolate House Publishing
The Art of Drooling - Juan Mendoza


Celery sticks/ranch dressing: Ben

October 2, 7:30 p.m.

September 20, 2008

For sale

Football memorabilia for sale

Store-wide sale!!


Don Tankowski, Kansas City Aeros autographed jersey - $45
Patch of grass from 1981 Blue Bonnet Bowl - $30
Boob Sanderson bobblehead doll - $5
Chin strap worn by Johnny Unitas, autographed by my neighbor's son, Henry - $700

Bags of sweat:

* 1977 Super Bowl commemorative duffle bag (2 1/2 lbs.) - $150
* Canadian Football League draft day door prize bag (1 lb.) - $70


Tom's Collectibles 555-0228

September 19, 2008

Meetings

Jasper High School marching band
Full-band meeting


On the agenda:

* Assessing blame, handing out punishment: last Monday's trombone sword fights
* Where not to empty your spit valve
* The whereabouts of 2nd chair trumpet, Carl Danielson


Vegetable platters: french horns


September 28, 8:00 p.m.

For sale

Children

Brandon and Jessica, age 5

* Brandon is a poo-thrower


$75 each or 2 for $120
Kevin & Linda 555-7207

September 18, 2008

Missing



Fernando
Age: 7
Last seen: Mangrove Forest, 9/2/08
Wanted for: Chewing on/spitting out several lizards
Also known as: "Pete"

Services

Oil change

$10

Derek
555-7642

September 17, 2008

Thoughts for sale

I've got hundreds of thoughts going through my head and I'm tired of having to deal with all of them. For the month of September all of my thoughts are 75% off.

Some of my most popular:

- Where did I leave my favorite blue jacket with the picture of the motorcycle on the sleeve?
- Hoping to be discovered by a talent agent; begin acting career
- My ex-girlfriend Mary: did she get the grocery bag full of rose petals I sent her?
- What is that on my leg?
- Slam dunking over Shaquille O'Neal. We become lifelong friends.
- Handlebar mustache?
- I'm afraid of snakes so why do I own one?
- Grapes


Make me an offer

Danny 555-8108

September 16, 2008

For sale

USED CARS


1998 Toyota Corolla

Blue with dried mustard racing stripes

- 85,000 miles

- Once belonged to Kirk Cameron impersonator, Harvey Klein

$500
Jimmy 555-7702


2001 Ford Explorer

"The car of 2001, today."

Make me an offer
Jillian 555-4200


1997 Mazda Miata

Fits 1/2 person comfortably

$400
Bernie 555-6116

September 15, 2008

Services

The Expressions Store
Selling quality expressions and greetings since 2002


Waves
'Hello': $3
'Goodbye' (comes with a frown): $2
'Come on over here': $5
'Get out of here': $4

Sayings
'Good luck': $6
'Have a good day': $8
'See you later': $5
'Congratulations': $10

Other items

Thumbs up: $7 per thumb
Handshake: $2
Back slap: $4
High fives: 3 for $10
Hugs: $1


The Expressions Store - Highway 73, Nedding City
555-3993

September 14, 2008

TV listings

WHOO's new fall reality TV lineup is here!


Maintenance Man Swap

Make me a Turkey Sandwich!

FIX MY DOG! Chihuahua Boot Camp-Season 4


[All shows premier October 1]

September 13, 2008

Home for sale

Beautiful three-bedroom house with no recent fire ant problems.

Pool in backyard needs water; a lot of love.

Previous owners:

- Mario Lopez impersonator Lars Rio
- Former Ft. Lauderdale Aces quarterback Guy Nielson
- The Beegleberry twins
- Mario Lopez

**Tremendous view of next-door neighbor's house**


$85,000

Jerry and Cynthia 555-9931

September 12, 2008

Meetings

Hatterfield Gremlins semi-pro fall baseball
Pre-season meeting

Items to discuss:

- Why you have to wear a jock strap and pants
- The whereabouts of third-base coach Jimmy Tannen
- Part 4 of our strategy sessions: non-verbal signs


Gremlins Stadium, September 21 at 7:30 p.m.

September 11, 2008

For sale

VHS


Growing up Headless
Strangers on a Kayak
Dude, who drank my Diet Coke?



$10 each
Ben 555-7992

Morning personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


38, SWM. Big-time rocking chair enthusiast, but I've been looking for a woman who can teach me a thing or two about recliners, couches and other stationery living room furniture. Give me a call, I'm probably home.

Robert box 77981


Look, who are we kidding? I like you, you like me. Let's get passed all of the foreplay and get straight to the pudding pool in my backyard.

Teddy box 30350


SBM, age 41. I've invented several words over the years, including "shizabuck", "clammter" and "tywoo". I enjoy professional football and cucumber salads. Oh, and listening. I love to listen.

Brandon box 28881


WOMEN SEEKING MEN



31, SWF. Voted "Best Looking" by the senior class at Plainville High School (June, 1995).

Candice box 28746

September 10, 2008

For sale

Bow ties

- orange

6 for $1


Salami w/spicy mustard


$1
The Bow Tie & Sandwich Shop 555-0210



Eyebrows

Me and my friend, Janet, made a bet. I lost. Now I've got a set of eyebrows just going to waste.

$4 for the pair

Andrea 555-4222

September 9, 2008

Tennis instructor for sale

Pete Flannery
Age: 36
Right-handed

Pete's a pretty good tennis instructor, but he plays too much air guitar with his racket and he doesn't believe in using a ball. It's just time for all of us to move on.


Comes with:

* His own fold-out clay court for "tennis on the go"
* More than a dozen ironed polo shirts


$200 or best offer
Midtown Tennis Club 555-8830

For sale

Wife

Darlene: 42 years old; chubby

Loves Sour Cream and Onion anything and Ray Charles impersonators. President of the Dave Coulier Fan Club (Hannington City chapter).


$75
Chuck 555-6781

For Sale

1989 Ford Mustang

* Whiteish
* 192,000+ miles
* No wheels

$625
Terry 555-2127

September 8, 2008

Jasper City for sale!

We're selling the entire city during our late-summer and early-fall-everything must go sale!

Roads, bar stools, dirt, security guards, mailboxes, doors, knitting supplies, cats; you name it, it's all available for a limited time.

Week 1 Specials

* Buy three oak trees get the fourth free

* 2 for 1 grandparents (Saturdays only)

* Pork chops - $.79/pound WOW!

* Highway on-ramps only $99.95!


Sale starts September 12

For sale

Puppies

Five total, all brown with white spots. One puppy poops a lot; we call him Poops A. Lot, or "Pal". The others just follow Pal around and eat his poo/sniff his butt.


$200 for all five
Tammy and Jim 555-4410

September 7, 2008

For sale

FOR SALE


$100


$115 or best offer

Carl 555-4209



Ankle socks

Six pairs for $15 or $1 per sock


Anthony 555-7007

September 5, 2008

For sale

Buy my words

The following are available at discounted prices: 'Clubzic', 'Yanning', 'Doomb,' 'Dindier', 'Onch', 'Humbert', 'Chinway'.


$4 each
Vance 555-6459

September 3, 2008

Home for sale




One-story mansion

- 1/2 BR/0 BATH
- Over 1,000 cans of soup come with house


* Once owned by world-famous bodybuilder/serial pincher Garret Pendelton


$750
Hansen Reality 555-6529

September 2, 2008

Events

Noah




* One night only*

September 8, 2008 at Erniger Amphitheatre

September 1, 2008

Meetings

Carterston Semi-Pro Football
Team meeting


On the agenda:

- What happened to the goal posts?
- Remembering Walter Piersall
- "You've got to wear a helmet" - Part 2
- Where not to put your cup and jock strap


September 2, 7:30 p.m. at fieldhouse